Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

He doesn't sound like a good person; he sounds like a bit of a dick.

He sounds a bit mean...

My DH is a neat freak and does way more housework than me, often goes around picking up my clothes after I forget to put them in the basket. But he's self aware enough to realise not everyone is the same as him and he appreciates that I bring other things to the table like organising our social life. He definitely doesn't make digs about my contribution.

Have you explained how his attitude makes you feel?

I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too

What on earth makes you think he likes looking after you!? He sounds like a controlling arsehole to me. There is no way I would have children with a man who treated me like this. Imagine how he'd treat the kids!

He sounds like he has bad ocd re making the bed after you already made it beyond crazy.
Reminds me of that film which starred Julia Roberts faking her death to get away from her abusive controlling husband that was also OCD with cleaning and how things were to be presented 😬

He sounds insufferable. It's a really unpleasant way to communicate with you. Passive aggressive, mean and petty.

putt the hairbrush on your desk, that’s not tidying, it’s making a point…

@tofuprincess has it!

Does he make other not-subtle-at-all comments like "even the cats are cleaner"? Because any reasonable adult knows that if they have a problem with something then they communicate it plainly, fairly and not with this horrible passive-aggressiveness.

In fairness does he realise you've already made the bed?

But I absolutely 100% guarantee you that if you don't have to do anything for a baby, if you have one, you've going to be very, very unhappy. And that really isn't the time to have a battle for control on your hands.

In fact, I wonder if you'd be quite relieved at being able to do things for yourself if you split up.

Also, how bloody irritating of him.

Every time he makes a comment. Pull the covers off the bed.

Tell him to shut his face with his passive aggressive shit in future.

He's a dick OP. Don't breed with him.

Oh fuck him off.

Have you considered that this is a tactic to MAKE you feel 'not enough'.

Either way, you're not compatible.

The only point in having a partner is to make you happier. This guy doesn't do that. He actually makes you miserable.

You can leave someone for any reason you like.
It's your life.

He is not a 'good person'. He is a snivelling, passive-aggressive bell end.

He is not nice.

He sounds like a controling wanker.

You sound pretty messy. I'd get pissed off if my husband was leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for an hour after a bath or leaving his shit lying around. When you share space with someone you need to be considerate.

However, it's not a show home. It's your bloody home that you should be able to live in. The remaking the bed would grind my gears.

How long have you lived together?

I don't think that's being domesticated, I think it's being nasty.

His tidying etc isn't the problem, it's the lack of leeway and the intolerance.

He is being mean, and it's not normal.

I agree with everyone else. He is not nice. He sounds horrible.

You feel like you aren’t good enough because he speaks to you and treats you as if you are not good enough.
I can understand it must be awful to live with someone who is messy but leaving a hairbrush on the bed is hardly living in a pigsty. To bring it to you when you are working is so passive aggressive.

Do not have children with this man. If he loves you and makes you feel like this, how do you think he’ll make your children feel?

He's nasty

Yeah I don’t think him being domesticated is the problem… more him being a Dick

Oh no. I remake the bed and refold the washing after my partner does it sometimes  he just doesn't do it very well, or as well as I like it anyway. And clothes just left on the floor is so lazy. How hard is it to put in a laundry basket? I'm not a passive aggressive dick about it though, but maybe IABU. I just have higher standards so I bridge the gap 🤷‍♀️

I genuinely don’t think he is doing this on purpose or has the awareness around it. I think he just naturally puts people down because maybe he thinks highly of himself. I’ve heard him do it at work. He is other than that a great person, but I just don’t know if it’s something I can live with for the rest of my life. I want to feel useful. I want to contribute. I want to feel valuable. Especially with my children

He constantly says I don’t put things away. I suppose I don’t instantly but I have ADHD so I do try my hardest. Lived together for 5 years but he is getting worse. That’s what it feels like, a show home. I can’t even take the dogs to the beach anymore because of the sand.

You ay he make you fel less feminine, right? So, he is NOT the one for you.
Also, do not have children with men like this! They are some sort of freak perfectionist and diminishing buggers.

The problem isn't that he's tidier than you. It's that he's belittling you. To make a comment 'even the cats are cleaner than you' is like bullying. Redoing things you've done is insulting.

You need to say that these comments not acceptable. However it also sounds like he's frustrated you're not tidy like he is. I'd suggest you agree that you take responsibility for certain chores and he doesn't interfere with those ever.

How is he a great person?

For god's sake don't have children with this man. He will drive you mad and you will be trapped. And he won't like having children in his perfect house, they most definitely do not care about tidiness.

Do you really this this is better?? So he’s a great person except for the fact that he belittles people around him and thinks he’s better than everyone?

You are worrying about the wrong thing. You are concerned about feeling valuable and useful for your children. I am concerned that you are considering having children with a man who “naturally puts people down”. What kind of father is that going to make him?