My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

I also think that that message, coming from a SIL/DIL who has actually gone 'no contact' with the very people she is talking about, would not go down well at all.

If you go no contact with someone, you have no right to comment on how well their relatives care for them.

This is a quote from the OP on another thread:

"I'm totally NC with my PIL my DH still talks to them but very similar situation they would just turn up, etc. It's a relief to just rip off that sticky plaster and go totally NC."

In the context of that statement, how much do you think the SIL might welcome the OP sticking her oar in?

In the context of that statement, how much right does the OP have to make pronouncements about what sort of relationship her DH should have with his parents?

Going totally NC for the reasons stated on this thread (dirty house, didn't want to do all the admin to keep in touch) is not reasonable behaviour. If this is really what has happened.

My SIL would help DH with caring for late MIL by flying from the other side of the world twice a year, and staying for a couple of weeks each time to give DH a break.

If she could fly thousands of miles every six months, then your DH's excuses for not seeing his elderly parents or supporting his sister are pathetic, really.

OP I think you are completely unreasonable.

• 'His mum refuses to go into a care home': that's a big issue. The expect their daughter to put on her own health at risk and dedicate her life to them. That's utterly selfish.

• You are NC with them: so it is OK for you to have no contact whatsoever with them but you expect your husband to be their carer? seriously?

Not everyone is cut out to be a carer for elderly people with high level of needs and they have the choice to refuse to do that.

I think there is a back story here that you are glossing over.

To the posters asking why I went no contact it's very outing, and it's also to due with duty of care with the grandkids. It's not really a key part of my question.

Thank you post and such a variety of opinions and debates. I will go through and reply individually just working atm.

@starsbrawl I haven't spoke to his sister so I can't answer that question directly yet.

I also have posted about the NC situation which is very outing. So if it's ok with you I'd keep that as a separate post.

@VictoriaSpungecake you are doing an amazing job, I'm in the thick of it with my own mum and was there for my dad when he was sick.

Is this what you are hoping for? How very odd.

I mean I can vanish, take on board all of the great advice and equally you can choose what threads you post and comment on with a tad more kindness maybe.

I have my very good very valid reasons for being NC, I hadn't appreciated how my NC would resist in my DH deciding to ignore his own parents as they are getting very old and need help, or letting his sister carry the load.

@starsbrawl are you ok?

@starsbrawl please bore off to your perfect trouble free life, let's hope your spiteful nature doesn't bite you on the arse one day!

Yes, @EPankhurst , of course I do. my mother is 85, has dementia. In complete denial. I’ve suggested solutions. Doesn’t want to know. Have had many, many emotional exchanges with stepdad, setting out what I think needs to be done. He’s in denial too. They have money. They both refuse.

So, not my circus.

Can I just say that I know personally 3 men who moved in with their mother to look after them as their health declined. One had never married, one was a widower and one divorced. So all of you mothers of sons ( like me) don't panic! I know for a fact that at least 3 of mine would have everything sorted on spreadsheets with shifts of visits and with whatever paid care/bill paying needed organised and done in a day. One might be more of the irregular visitor type, but he gives the best hugs and would do the entire garden plus any maintenance whilst he was here.

@greenrollneck what conversations (if any) did your DH have with his parents before they moved so far away? Is there an element of 'they made their bed so now they have to lie in it' to his thinking?

Did DH's parents care for their parents? If they did or didnt this may have an impact on his thinking.

Not all men abdicate from caring responsibilities. Both my DH and DB have been very involved in parental care.

@GnomeDePlume his parents were full time carers for his grandparents for many many years. They all lived to great ages.

There wasn't a move away as such, the family were spread out in other countries for years and the fact we all settled in different places with DS etc and they happen to be remote and hard to reach has always been an issue, but entirely their choice. Over the years they have repeatedly been asked to move closer to a normal life with facilities and support.

Jeeze. I can't believe the number of posts making excuses for this man.

My brother and I had a very difficult mother. I escaped and moved away as soon as I was old enough. He didn't, and so got caught up in an the practicalities when she needed to go into care.

But I still visited her regularly ( once a month or so) to support him. And to try to lift the burden from him, I did all the tasks that could be done from a distance, so all the admin, care related phone calls etc, while he picked up all the stuff that needed doing on the spot.

Using distance to avoid doing anything while a sibling takes on all the stress and pressures on their time, is shitty behaviour, whatever the relationship dynamics.

Has he spoken much about the impact of having parents caring for GPs had on his DSister and him?

Is there an element of frustration with his DParents? That the situation now is the natural consequence of decisions made? If he visits now he has to face the reality of their living conditions and at the same time be frustrated that they haven't and are continuing to not help themselves.

Is your DH worried that if he gets involved now that DSister will say 'it's your turn now' and that he will be forced to take over her role?

As you know, caring for and supporting an elderly parent can be a huge commitment. To an extent it forces you to look at your family relationships in a new light.

I have a lot of sympathy all round. We have, as a family, been through and are going through the difficulties of dealing with elderly parents. On the whole we have been fortunate in that circumstances and earlier decisions made have made it easier to provide support.

They have a carer but it's just not enough now.

How do you know this if the SIL hasn’t said anything at all re her feelings on the situation?

I totally would loose respect too 🙁 this shouldn’t just fall on the oldest daughters to handle.

Doglady1764 · Today 14:46
**
I totally would loose respect too 🙁 this shouldn’t just fall on the oldest daughters to handle.

It shouldn’t fall on their children, full stop. People should plan for old age. It’s hardly a surprise. Hell will freeze over before we will expect our kids to care for us.