My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

They moved away years ago. His sister lives closer. What can he do realistically day to day given the physical distance?.

He is working and is an integral part of his own family unit. Caring for elderly parents is not mandatory.

He has his own reasons for not visiting and OP needs to respect that no matter how hard it is to understand. It’s not her family.

It’s not your husband’s responsibility to look after his parents though. Each person is responsible for organising their own care when they get old. Relying on children is an astronomically selfish thing to do. Your mother in law is being so very inconsiderate. They moved 8 hours away- a sure indication that your parents weren’t that arsed about seeing your husband on a regular basis anyway. If your sister in law is getting burned out from doing too much, that’s her problem. She doesn’t have to do any of it.

When my gm died (she lived with us and mum cared for her) a couple of mum's siblings were making trouble over gm's "estate" and mum's lawyer (one of the executor's) pointed out that mum had saved them all untold amounts of money in care home fees. They shut up quickly after that.

Can you appeaL to your dh's more fiducary side, and remind him that he will owe his sister vast sums if she wereminded to fight for it. Let SIL know that you would support her if she wanted to put that side forward.

He could just be like my BiL who is really struggling with visits (waste of his time apparently) but is quite aware he's swerving the situation the majority of the time.

I include him in all discussion, whether he likes it or not. I appreciate his Whatsapp support tho and can understand his PoV, even though it's not what I would think myself.

This is so true.

When someone is either lacking in insight or deliberately trying to cover over their struggles it's so hard.

Any family I've known - the woman always end up doing the care for elderly parents.

It doesn't even cross men's minds to care for them. They would be surprised to have to care for them

Those gender roles are still very deep in society.

I don't know how to change it?

My extended family are the same. They expect me to be caring for my elderly mother 24/7. They wouldn't expect my brother to do anything.

OP can choose which questions to answer.

Another reason why I don't get all the "it's no different" responses to the gender disappointment threads. Clearly having adult sons just isn't the same.

That is not what I meant.

The sister is probably exhausted. She probably needs some respite and a chance to gain the perspective that will help her with future decision making.

OP is an informed observer so might be able to broker a sensible way forward with her husband providing useful support to his sibling. Its clear that her husband finds it easier to be in denial. Its fine that the sister is coping, for now, but there is a real risk of carer breakdown.

And why not have a family holiday nearby allowing the DH to make a contribution and allow his sister a chance for her own holiday. There is no feminist law that says that wife and children should not help make it possible for him to help look after his parents. My DC, who were teenagers at the time quite often had to help. (More on the moving furniture, getting DMs property ready for rental once she had moved into sheltered accommodation, etc, though in the early days of the crisis DH took a day off work to run errands, take my mother to appointments etc because for some reason I was not available.) I did a lot, but could only do it because my own family supported me.

Well I did stand up to my mother's extended family and I told them I wouldn't be doing full time care for my mum.

I told them that I had to work.

I was annoyed that I even had to stand up for myself over the issue.

Your post - and a few others on here - make me want to cry. I feel so alone as a carer. So, it is a relief to know that I am not the only one who thinks that the caring role is important. Others in my family have made me feel like an idiot for wanting/needing to care, as if the wiser choice is to forget about the sick and elderly and leave them to it. I too had a sibling aim all their vitriol at me (guilt?), making all kinds of accusations. It was awful and left a wound that won't heal. I don't think people mean to be cruel (at least I hope not) but that's what they end up being.

A big thank you to those of you - including the op - who understand about helping the vulnerable to maintain their dignity and for taking the role of carer seriously.

So true!!!

Get ye to the Elderly parents board!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

I had really super support. It became obvious that another poster's mum had been diagnosed with dementia in the same week at the same memory clinic.

One day I called in on her on my way to my mum's. It was bizarre. Complete gallows humour as we swapped stories. Even the worst experiences became funny when I had someone who understood. Such a valuable contact. It is so easy to lose perspective when you are physically and emotionally exhausted.

I decided that I had to park any emotions relating to my brother. He was making his decision, I was making mine, and I did not have energy to spare.

I only realised how difficult that decade had been soon after my mother passed away. I forgot my phone on a short trip to the shops, and realised it didn't matter. That background fear of the phone ringing and me having to drop everything to sort the latest problem out, was gone. The weight of that anxiety had lifted. I was very lucky to have a supportive husband and family. Doing it on your own would be really hard. Positives are that I gained maturity and understanding, the satisfaction of doing the right thing, and the chance for DC to see that family is important. I also know that DH is reliable.

Good luck. It is such a difficult experience.

The OP has also deftly sidestepped all the questions about why she is 'NC' with her MIL.

You don't go no contact because someone has a filthy house, or because you don't want to organise their birthday card. There is a middle ground where you don't stay in their home (use a hotel), and you don't do all the admin to facilitate the relationship (leave it to DH), but still see and communicate with them in a normal way.

Going NC is a nuclear option, if that is what's happened, but we have no real idea why. It makes me think there is a bigger backstory regarding the relationship with her ILs than we are being told.

Well exactly, she is NC and thats her choice but she shouldn't judge her H for wanting the same/similar

My DH would be very hurt if I went NC with his parents (I'm guessing this means refusing to visit them with him, not speaking to them, not communicating etc.) and it would put him in a really awkward position. Like the OP's DH he had a normal upbringing and they are nice people, so there would be no solid reason for me to do this.

If I did do that, I would have absolutely no right to try to dictate how my DH approached his relationship with them, and what support he did or didn't provide to them. None whatsoever.

Unless the term NC is being used here to mean something different to my understanding, I think it is very relevant to the thread.

I agree. The OP is projecting a hell of a lot onto her SIL here.

I didn’t read that the OP is non contact with her in laws. Where did she say this?

I only read that she thinks they’re lovely people, but doesn’t like staying in their dirty house, and that she’d stepped back from some of the care duties which her DH then clearly isn’t picking up.

They are lovely but live in a disgusting home that isn't somewhere i was comfortable with my DS staying as they grew up.
So handed over the care and support to my DH, so I didn't break with the load of young kids, 2 sets of elderly parents and running a business. Something had to give.

And the context of the post about the dirty house is that she is giving her 'reasons' for going NC. It's a bit odd.

You cannot force a person to take care of old parents if he does not want to. He does not need his wife to play his mum and text his sister on his behalf.