He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Why would anyone assume a liar and cheater will be truthful about finances? this makes zero sense. Of course he would hide money, as he did hide his affair. As he is hiding his true feelings. of course he would pretend to be truthful about his finances - but surely his track record would make it hard to believe a word he says.

My advice would be to hire a forensic accountant instead.

Its a requirement for anyone who wants to apply to the court that they must have tried mediation first.

The idea is that it’s much cheaper ( for everyone) than court. And it cuts the pressure on the courts. It’s also possible that it can be remedied more quickly.

however, if the two parties can’t agree, then it can go to court.

mediation is worth trying- it’s not legally binding, but at least it focuses minds on how assets can be split. And both sides can consult their solicitors before, during and after mediation.

the big problem with going to court is the uncertainty. Judges can come to very different conclusions, so it’s better to find something you are both happy with.

and if you think court is the only option, you can attend a session alone with a mediator to explain why is won’t work in your case ( usually due to abuse)

Two words

Forensic Accountant.

Thinking of you OP - I hope you can find some joy this Christmas with your children, irrespective of him. Sending you strength and light for the new year.

This.

You sound very nice OP - too nice. Don’t let him control the narrative - and don’t be afraid to tell the truth in a matter of fact way to people who ask.

He doesn’t get to keep you a silent victim in this.

Do not expect a cheating liar to behave with decency and honesty when it comes to finances.

You will likely be bitterly screwed over if you do.

Focus completely on the best deal.

Do not make the common mistake of giving in so that relations remain amicable.

The two issues are NOT linked and combining them will cost you dearly and you will regret it enormously in the future.

Detach your head from your heart.

Focus only on what you and your children need for the most comfortable future financially.

No woman EVER regrets holding out for the best financial agreement.

Many women regret to the end of their days allowing themselves to be screwed over, simply because they didn't want to feel the discomfort of demanding a good deal or thought it would be more amicable.

Do not be those women.
Get every penny you can for yourself and the children.

This 100%. I have more than one friend or relative who accepted a very low offer because she wanted the divorce (his adultery, in all cases) to be amicable. They particularly “didn’t want him to take it out on the kids”.

So all the mothers ended up struggling to get by, and all the DC had less than the kids around them. Still had loving mothers, still had deadbeat fathers. Mums and DC could have had much more financially comfortable lives if DM had ignored their “be nice” training and made reasonable demands.

Thank you - you too. I find Christmas hard anyway (knowing what he was doing with the OW this time last year…) but I feel sort of mechanical about it all right now. I just can’t wait for it to be over!

@Spikyseason Thats understandable. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were slightly dissociated from it all, given the trauma you’ve been put through. You will have happier, brighter Christmases in future - believe it. Keep moving forward.

Just to say, thinking of you and hoping you don't find the festivities too draining! I think you said way back, that you were hosting a few people. Very brave, but the right decision I think. At least your mind will be occupied with that, other than the despair your obviously feeling. Good luck with it all. Wishing you all good wishes and a brighter and more peaceful New Year. Stay strong.

Just wanted to give my appreciation for all the support on the thread and merry Christmas. I am both dreading 2025 and looking forward to getting Christmas over in equal measure!

Hopefully Christmas won't be too draining for you OP and i really hope 2025 is the start of something better and wonderful for you - you so deserve it - you are a strong woman dig deep and really find yourself you fabulous lady

I hope you find some unexpected spots of joy in the day. You will be in control of the situation and the rest of your life in the near future.

Here is hoping for a glorious new beginning and a wonderful new year!

I've followed your thread since you first posted and I so felt for you. I've seen you get your backbone and realise you're worth so much than how you've been treated by this utter disgrace of a man. I'm in awe of all the women that have given their wisdom, experience and love and have helped you see your worth. I know this feels so hard right now, but in a few years time you will be a different person, you will be independent, confident, self assured and able to do things you never believed you were capable of right now.

And remember you are NEVER on your own, you have a WHOLE army of women willing you on...

Thank you… I am just relieved Christmas is over to be honest. There was no diamond necklace under the tree for me, incidentally…! DH probably mourning the loss of his OW. Thankfully we’ve been busy with family and DC.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas x

Oh sweetheart I wish there was something I could say to make things better for you right now, but there isnt. I'm currently single, and am on my own right now, but that's ok, I've had a lovely day. I just want you to know that this year will be hard, but you will find resources within you that you didn't even know you had.

Just focus on the future and know that there is something much better awaiting you in the future and hold on to that...x

@Spikyseason a belated Merry Christmas to you. You’ve come so far! Your first post was really about trying to get help convincing you that your H still loved you. Your posts now are about you - not the ow or him. That’s a massive change in focus and you will be in control of everything in 2025. It won’t be easy at times but it will be worth it! xx

So…. Given that he wants to stay “for the kids” has he been an active involved parent over Christmas? Down in the parenting trenches with carol concerts, homework, shopping for presents, doing fun things?

My guess is it’s all a load of blather and what he really means is “staying for his pension fund / avoiding an expensive divorce”. What a LOSER he is.

I agree with this.

I hope you can buy yourself a diamond necklace for Christmas next year, you so deserve it and what it represents.

Ha… him and his work colleagues are quite often involved in writing articles and doing webinars on how to balance their working life with being parents. Very self-congratulatory bullshit. Ironically the only thing ‘DH’ was balancing at the time was the OW on his balls… 😂 such hypocrisy.

I suspect a lot is down to image rather than money. In terms of Christmas he bought the DC gifts in fairness (we buy separately anyway) and we’re on holiday now, during which time he is off to the gym at the crack of dawn and will occasionally surface for ‘family time’ with the nanny not too far away.

He is very loving, he isn’t dismissive of them or anything like that, but it’s kind of like the whole thing terrifies him. I do wonder how he would cope with 50:50 parenting.

.

Ha just blooming typical isn’t it? What a smug git he is.

All the rhetoric about the importance of the family then skiving out of everything to go to the gym. Knob.

He sounds the typical high level financier. Image, power, deals, lifestyle.

Money and image being important.

You’re on holiday with a nanny (extremely common in these circumstances). This should be a time to reconcile and reconnect. But it’s not working is it?

He could no doubt continue as he has his all important work that gives him the buzz and status. Family life on the outside looking in, but no real depth to it as you and the nanny do the main parenting. He just comes in and out when available for limited periods.

Gym, socialising, work events take up other time. Plus his long working hours give him additional opportunities and an alibi to conduct an affair.

Sadly you know this is broken. But from something that’s turned sour you can find a path with time to a happier place. You don’t have to live a half life with fear, anxiety and sadness. You can drive through the pain and get out the other side and reclaim your sense of worth and happiness.

Sometimes things just don’t work out as we want or think how they will be. It’s not failure. It’s just life. But he has to want more than his image of being a family man and a somewhat absent father to his children. He has to want you and fight to keep you. None of those actions seem to be present.

Perhaps it’s just all run its course. There’s no shame in both admitting that. You’ve admitted bravely that you’re scared to be on your own which is understandable. But you haven’t really said you love him so much and can’t bear the idea of being without him. More that you’re scared of being in a situation that’s so unknown to you. That also speaks volumes.

It’s really strange because I never thought of him as being shallow. He doesn’t seem hugely
motivated by the wealth or status and isn’t materialistic. But maybe there is no real depth to him.

it does all feel a bit performative at times. Like the ‘I would die for DC’ comments but simultaneously also being almost terrified of them. He has wondered aloud why we had them before.

He likes to be in control and panics easily if things don’t go to plan. I do wonder if part of the ‘devastation’ he displayed upon the discovery of OW was because his carefully maintained image / world was crumbling. And then of course there was a huge rush to get back to that as soon as possible and basically pretend like it never happened and was ‘in the past’. Totally separate from him. Mask back on. He did seem initially to ‘fight to keep me’ but probably not so much me, and more the overall image. I actually don’t even think it’s for other people so much as trying to convince himself this is who he is and what he wants.