He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Oh I’m not planning on leaving the house. We’re fortunate in that we wouldn’t need to sell and I’m not uprooting DC for nothing. I think PPs mean leave the marriage. It’s like he’s forcing me to call time so he can say to himself he didn’t ‘abandon’ DCs…

I agree @Spikyseason that is exactly what he is doing. He cannot stand to be the villain in his own story, so he just makes one up. Or makes it so god awful for you that you leave and can be the one in the “wrong”.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think he “loved her”. I think he would be hard pushed at the minute to even define what love is.
But, I also think that he needs to take a back seat now. You focus on you and make him…as irrelevant as you possibly can.

I can't tell you how many times I've thought about you and your dilema. I've been looking out every day for some update. You certainly seem to have found some resilience and long may it continue...
Christmas will undoubtedly be challenging to say the least, but you will know and he won't, that you have gained the upper hand. By realising that this relationship is really on it's last legs. I think, reading between the lines, you know it's over (from your perspective anyway). Your going through the motions basically to protect your DC'S. This is natural, but when the time comes and he realises that you are not going to be made to feel second best a moment longer, he will have to face the fact that he's treated you appallingly. And his persona will come crashing down. No longer the upstanding member of society , that he likes to perceive
Keep strong, keep well and keep thinking the ball is well and truly in your court!
Lots of luck, thinking of you.

@Spikyseason My ehH did exactly the same, made it unbearable in the hope I'd end the marriage so he could swan off to his OW without being the bad guy. I was in a state of freeze for a bit, unsure what to do but I did end up filing for divorce, and I filed as sole applicant so I had control over timings to a certain degree, I could delay next steps in the process if I needed to come to an arrangement with him in other aspects. It put me in the power seat and gave me the power to drive some of the timings to my advantage. I went from absolute heartbreak to the mindset of this being a game of chess, with a cheater, so I must be one step ahead and protect my dignity and mental health and property assets. In the end it was an empowering thing to have filed for divorce the way I did. I'm out on the other side, even though I didn't belief the betrayal trauma would ever lift. but it does. it will for you too. this is temporary.

Sorry you’ve been through it! I know what you mean, in many ways I just feel stuck, frozen, going over the same things in my head. How long did that last for you?
I’m glad you managed to get out. I’m trying to see it as being the ‘strong’ one rather than the ‘bad guy’…

I’m really sorry you are in this position. I know how hard it is. You sound so lovely.

He appears to have no idea of the terrible pain he has put you through - and is still putting you through when he reports how much he misses her and tells you he is still communicating with her.

This marriage is simply transactional for him.
And you come with the children deal.
OW comes with the expensive jewellery and all his pent up longing for her deal.

Safe to say his affair isn’t over
I know you want to hang on and wait for it to be over when she decides she’s had enough and breaks his heart. But he will resent you then, for not having set him free - a whole new chapter of misery for you at that point.

You do have another choice. You could gather your strength and divorce now and agree to co-parent amicably. Get everything settled sooner rather than having to face all this misery before the inevitable break up much further down the line.

Understandably, you want what’s best for the children. A happy contented mum is best for them OP. Look at the chances of you being a happy mum if you stay now and leave later - compared to if you leave now and get settled as quickly as possible away from the pain he so easily and willingly inflicts on you.

Can you stay with a man who openly admits he longs for somebody else ?

I totally agree re his cowardice and wanting to leave you to make the final call so he can say it wasn’t his decision.

However - he made the decision when he had an affair. He made the decision to disregard your vows every single time he contacted the OW, met up with her, planned trysts with her, spent money on her. He chose her over you and his children so many times. He knew cheating was a deal breaker for you. It’s on HIM.

He is hoping you can cast aside your morals and values as easily as he did his. But he is flimsy and weak, you are stronger than you know. You know what is going on here and you clearly aren’t accepting his faux stand up guy narrative - because it is blatantly bullshit. Decent men do not have ONS before getting married. Do not have a year long affair and only admit it after getting caught. Do not risk their wives health by having unprotected sex outside of the relationship. Do not disrespect their wife by suggesting they are surprised she is bothered by said affair. Do not spend 80k of what should be family money on OW. Do not have the audacity and huge disrespect to speak to the OW infront of you and claim she ‘deserves better’!

He has made the choice to end your marriage a thousand times or more. He is showing you who he is. He chose her again and again and again. It is time for you to choose YOU, calling time on this will be the most empowering thing you ever do even though it may not feel this way at the time. You will be saying that he is not good enough for you and that you and your children deserve better. Because you do. You deserve to be with someone who adores you and has interest in you, who values family time - not sneaking off to meet OW or hide in the gym to avoid the devastation he has caused. The man is a coward and a fraud. Take some control back OP.

"Sorry you’ve been through it! I know what you mean, in many ways I just feel stuck, frozen, going over the same things in my head. How long did that last for you?
I’m glad you managed to get out. I’m trying to see it as being the ‘strong’ one rather than the ‘bad guy’…"

@Spikyseason
Practically I kicked into gear pretty fast - first lawyer appointment only a few weeks after things were obviously off. this is thanks to the wise women of MN who all told me his behaviour sounds like an affair. filed for divorce very fast. But thats the practical side, I'm good at that.

Emotionally, It took me 5 months to stop spiralling downwards. the sadness was so overwhelming at points that I wasn't sure if I could survive. after 5/6 month something started to shift, and him finally moving out really helped. I didn't heal a little bit every day, I was stuck at different stages for weeks and months, and then suddenly made massive leaps forward. then stuck again, and so on.

I know everyone is different, but here are things that helped me a lot:

• Audio book 'leave a cheater gain a life' on repeat

• podcast 'tell me how you're mighty' daily

• move forward physically: I walked for hours, daily, then my body was suddenly strong enough to run. every time the pain was too much I went for a run, that really helped with the extremely high adrenaline I felt all the time

• friends: I opened up and shared with friends. I talked and talked and talked. My god those women are saints and I don't know how they were able to listen to all my pain. that is a hard job but they did it. It helped so much. suddenly, from one day to the other, I didn't need to tell the story anymore. it is not important anymore.

• skill/hobby: I started a hobby again that I had neglected for years, joined a club and am doing this hobby bow every week. I love it.

How are you doing @Spikyseason ?

@Plastictrees thanks for checking in. I noticed DH had added the OW as a contact again the other day and now mysteriously disappeared. No idea if they are in contact but I am keeping my head and not mentioning anything for now….

I hope you’re surviving the pre-Christmas stress!

I really admire your stoicism @Spikyseason I would have lost it by now! This really must be so torturous for you though. I’m hoping you’re managing to get some glimmers of joy here and there, Christmas can be such a funny time especially in situations such as this. Have you had any post Christmas thoughts yet?

We are in the middle of a house move and baby has conjunctivitis, so I’m not feeling too festive just yet!

I don’t really have much choice at the moment, just feeling numb to it all right now and just operating on automatic I think. I can’t even think about new year.
small mercy but DH has been sleeping in the spare room and no interest in sex so that makes avoiding him easier! Citing ‘work stress’!
I’m meeting again with my lawyer early new year, they say I would have to attempt mediation in terms of finances in the divorce and I honestly don’t know how fair DH is going to be. Haven’t even mentioned divorce yet. Shit might hit the proverbial fan. Probably because he’ll feel he’s lost control more than anything else.

conjunctivitis is miserable - I hope your baby recovers soon!

Hey @Spikyseason did you see more than one solicitor? I wonder why they say you must go through mediation - or is this something you want? I had one that came recommend and is probably of the SHL kind...I briefed my solicitor to be aggressive and fast, and told them the outcome I wanted - they were aggressive and fast, and achieved what I wanted for me.

So if you feel they are pushing you towards mediation and thats not something you want I would look for another solicitor.

@Spikyseason Thats completely understandable. You just need to get through Christmas and go from there. There is some brilliant wisdom on here from those who’ve been through divorces who may be able to advise you too, re mediation. That sounds unusual to me, but it’s not an area I know a lot about.

I am so glad he is in the spare room, the thought of sleeping next to a man who has behaved in such horrible ways is stomach turning. I hope you manage to get some decent sleep and rest on the run up to Christmas. You really are doing fabulously, and he will regret what he has lost one day.

You do tend to have to go through mediation- which is cheaper if it works. Ideally if you can find a charity that does it it can be cheaper.

But mediation at its most basic can be the mediator talking to both sides separately and then deciding mediation is not appropriate. Even if it continues it doesn't have to be a 3 way conversation (and it can happen over Zoom/Teams), it can be more "shuttle".
Also a good mediator will stop mediation if they believe one side is not taking it seriously. As happened in my case, the mediator said one side wasn't willing to compromise so sent us back to Solicitors. But what we had achieved saved money on solicitor bills later.

I have been in your situation, though without the financial safety net, unfortunately,😁and I think a divorce would be a relief for both of you.

Men like that don't want to appear to be the bad guy. It's better for his image if you end the marriage - he can tell everyone he was trying to make it work.

I found it easier once I'd decided on a divorce. Like you, I had a little while to think it through before telling him it was over. In that time I found I detached myself from him.

As for him staying for the children - if he's coming home after you're in bed, he's not seeing them in the week, is he? And when he had to care for them at the weekend he got his mother in... I wouldn't be surprised if he starts off staying he wants 50:50 and ends up with two hours at the weekend.

I think it would be great for you to think about starting a new career. Ditch the business - it's making a loss and taking up energy you can put elsewhere. What would you really love to do? It sounds as though you've got the resources to do anything you like - what would make you happiest?

@midnight excellent post.

Never ever underestimate how much some men do not want to parent their own children.

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes working it finance in my 20's.
Happy enough to have them and the image of the family man with a photo or two on the desk, but fxxk all interest in the hard slog of actually rearing them.
Time and time again.

Travel, work late, entertain, make money, anything to not be around for the slog.

He is utter scum.
He has one foot out the door and will take your youth until divorce suits him.

Your marriage is over for him, but it 100% suits him to treat you like a convenient white appliance.

His loyalty is to that woman, hence the jewellery, concern for her future.

He doesn't want the narrative of a long affair being why you divorced, so grubby.

Far better in 5-10 years time, that ye grew apart, so much more palatable.

Get good legal representation.
Tell him you are divorcing him because of his long affair.
Refuse to change the narrative.
He will try and change it.
The narrative is he had an affair and spent 80k on jewellery for her.
See how he likes that, the whole truth being known.

He will definitely tell the mediator. But I ended the affair. I moved back in to try to make it work.

But I ended it doesn’t cut it. The mediator should be mediating the split, not advocating for one side’s excuses.

From someone who has been there - it makes no difference who had an affair, who ended it, admitted it, got caught, whatever - it makes no difference.

I was told the court expected to see both parties had tried to mediate before issuing any proceedings - I don’t know how productive it will be and I’m probably in the dark about most of his finances, given I was apparently in the dark about a lot of things…

While you’re still officially ‘making it work’ mode (as far as he’s concerned) - can you make it a further condition of staying together that you have full financial transparency from him? You could broach it in terms of the £85k he spunked away without you having a clue, and frame it that you want a fair, honest, transparent relationship in order to build trust, yada yada. He might not be fully transparent, but you might have more to work with when / if you decide to take him to the cleaners 😊

I agree with this. You need to be clever here OP, don’t risk you and your DC losing out due to more of his underhanded sneakiness. Knowledge is power (and evidence)!

Good call. Tell him the financial betrayal has hit you hard and you need visibility of all accounts, investments etc.

This is good advice.

Tell your H that you need financial transparency to help you get through this and learn to trust him again.

I did this when I had trust issues with my DH. Full financial transparency. I also made him email the accountant and ask her to copy me into everything from now on and give me access to all his files.

As the issues were financial, we set up a spreadsheet of all our assets and liabilities which we update every few months. It's actually helped our relationship but I did the exercise initially to get my ducks in a row.

Hang in there OP.