Page 9 | Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

CovenOfCheeses · 2024-10-28T20:59:24+00:00

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time. Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left. The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

WitchesLadder · 29/10/2024 14:14

This is one of the saddest cases of cheating I have read about on this forum. 😞 And I would have no idea what would be the best thing to do if I was put in the OP’s predicament!! 😬

Because there IS no ideal course of action that could protect her friend from being hurt. The OP was forced into an impossible position where she had to choose between either betraying her friend (and having her friend risking exposure to STIs) by keeping the affair secret, or to expose the truth, which would be mentally and potentially physically devastating to her critically ill friend. 💔💔💔

I think OP has been a great friend and very brave, and whatever the outcome of this situation, it is absolutely NOT her fault and I hope she won’t blame herself. It’s 100% the fault of the cheating husband, because he’s the one who created this horrific situation!!

Not only did he cheat on his sick wife, he was also extremely careless (as well as utterly disgusting) to do it in the family home, where SURELY he must have known there was a very high probability of being caught. Not only by the OP (who he KNEW had a key to the house!!) but possibly by one of his children (for example, if the OP had come back earlier than expected with the kids)… or even by his wife, if she noticed evidence of the OW having been in her home and bed!!

I also feel very sorry for the children. Their mother is seriously ill, they are being neglected by their father, and now he is having an affair. These experiences will likely traumatise them, and no child deserves that. But at least the OP did her best to look after them when their father failed to step up.

Sending a big hug to the OP. 🌻🌻🌻I hope your friend recovers and that she and her children can ultimately find a better life after this disasterous situation. ❤️❤️❤️

Confusedandgrrrrr · 29/10/2024 14:16

I don't know if this is viable but could you speak to her oncologist first? Mention the situation and ask them if stds could lower immunity, whether they feel chemo and devastating news should go together, whether they could start her on meds to help her mental state out.
I think she should know, regardless of the situation. If somebody close to her suddenly died, you wouldn't keep that from her even though you know it would devastate her, you'd tell her.
What an absolute fuckup of a husband. I don't even want to call him a husband because he doesn't deserve that title. He could be comprimising her health further.

FrequentlyAskedQuestion · 29/10/2024 14:17

Oh dear.

I think he has told her some dreadful story about you and your going into the house. Maybe even that you propositioned him.

FrequentlyAskedQuestion · 29/10/2024 14:20

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 10:57

Hi I am sorry but this is a private matter for her that I cannot share. Thanks for your concern.

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Apologies OP, I did not mean to be nosey.

I should have clarified, for me the answers to those questions would have influenced my thinking around what to do - and for you to answer for yourself, not blab on MN.

I am so sorry for the situations that your friend and you are in.

UrbanDieter · 29/10/2024 14:23

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 12:16

Sorry, what is an AP?

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Affair Partner

fashionqueen0123 · 29/10/2024 14:43

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 09:26

This was one of the things I was going to text her about. I wanted to know whether I was still taking her kids trick or treating and whether she wanted me to put her keys in an envelope and post it through the letterbox. But I have been blocked. I have no way of knowing what she wants and whether she really wants me to still interact with her and her kids. I could use either to go around, the husband does not have a history of violence but he is a big imposing guy and I do not want to be around him. He is very passive aggressive.

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Do you not have her on Facebook or insta or anything else? I’d just go to her house. I bet he has sent that text

Waterboatlass · 29/10/2024 14:50

Do you know when he will be out? Return the keys then. I think there's a chance he has messaged from her number and I would want to know she was aware you hadn't ghosted her seeing as she's quite isolated other than you. If not, call from a different phone?

SandDuneSally · 29/10/2024 14:55

Confusedandgrrrrr · 29/10/2024 14:16

I don't know if this is viable but could you speak to her oncologist first? Mention the situation and ask them if stds could lower immunity, whether they feel chemo and devastating news should go together, whether they could start her on meds to help her mental state out.
I think she should know, regardless of the situation. If somebody close to her suddenly died, you wouldn't keep that from her even though you know it would devastate her, you'd tell her.
What an absolute fuckup of a husband. I don't even want to call him a husband because he doesn't deserve that title. He could be comprimising her health further.

There is absolutely no way that any doctor will share medical information without the patient's consent and certainly not to anyone who's not a relative.
Completely inappropriate to discuss her marriage, his affair and any STDs! Really?

SandDuneSally · 29/10/2024 14:56

@CovenOfCheeses I'd write her a letter/note and deliver it to the ward she's in so she gets it. Ask the staff to pass it on.

I'd keep it simple and say you've been told by her H that she wants no further contact, that you don't know why, but you're always there for her.

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 15:19

SoporificLettuce · 29/10/2024 12:52

“trying to make him behave like a decent human being”

The problem is thinking that this is even possible.

Good, kind people seem to find it hard to grasp just how devious and nasty an adulterous husband can be. No one can make them behave like a decent human being. He isn’t a decent human being and can’t be expected to behave like one.

From his perspective he had a short window of opportunity to take decisive action to cut OP out of his wife’s life, which is exactly what he has done.

Hopefully there will be an opportunity for OP to speak to the friend again and to even support her in the future. Because she’s going to need all the support she can get.

best wishes to you, OP
you are a decent, kind human being xxx

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I was giving OP credit for trying to make the scumbag husband behave like a decent human being - I had no expectation that he would, but that doesn't take the credit away from OP for trying. She's clearly an extremely kind and thoughtful woman - the kind of supportive friend we should all be so lucky to have.

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 15:26

SandDuneSally · 29/10/2024 14:55

There is absolutely no way that any doctor will share medical information without the patient's consent and certainly not to anyone who's not a relative.
Completely inappropriate to discuss her marriage, his affair and any STDs! Really?

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Totally agree. I can't believe @Confusedandgrrrrr can't see what an appalling betrayal of her friend's trust this would be. 😱

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 15:28

fashionqueen0123 · 29/10/2024 14:43

Do you not have her on Facebook or insta or anything else? I’d just go to her house. I bet he has sent that text

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OP's already posted that the friend isn't on SM.

fashionqueen0123 · 29/10/2024 16:08

Waterboatlass · 29/10/2024 14:50

Do you know when he will be out? Return the keys then. I think there's a chance he has messaged from her number and I would want to know she was aware you hadn't ghosted her seeing as she's quite isolated other than you. If not, call from a different phone?

I agree.

Otherwise the poor woman is probably wondering why you’ve abandoned her and her kids have no one to take them trick or treating. It sounds like she has been isolated by him.

Id be knocking her door down

SoporificLettuce · 29/10/2024 18:10

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 15:19

I was giving OP credit for trying to make the scumbag husband behave like a decent human being - I had no expectation that he would, but that doesn't take the credit away from OP for trying. She's clearly an extremely kind and thoughtful woman - the kind of supportive friend we should all be so lucky to have.

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Absolutely agree. She’s a gem.
The sort of friend any one of us would love to have.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2024 19:05

I agree with AcrossthePond55

**
"This is a tough one. I can think of three possibilities.
1-He told her the truth and she needs time to come to terms with it.
2-He told her that you made a pass at him and got angry when he 'rejected you'. This would be so he could say you're lying about his affair 'as revenge' for him having turned you down or that you're trying to breakup their marriage.
3-He sent the message and has blocked you so you can't tell her the truth.
You know them both. Which do you think might be the most likely?"

And based on what a scum bag he is, I would imagine it is 2 or 3.

However, I will just say I do not think this sort of thing is quite as unusual as we may imagine. My friend had breast cancer and three kids and her husband left her. What kind of a piece of shit does that! She recovered and I am sure she is better off without him. But I do think this kind of appalling behaviour is more common than we may imagine.

OP I would go and see her when he is not home, take the keys or some flowers, or a cooked meal as an excuse and find out what/if anything he has told her.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2024 19:52

@Italiangreyhound

But I do think this kind of appalling behaviour is more common than we may imagine.

It certainly is! Statistics show that men are 6 to 7 times more likely to leave their wives/partners if she gets cancer or another life changing illness. One study showed that the divorce rate for female patients is 20.8%, the rate for male patients is 2.9%. So much for ' in sickness or in health, until death do us part', eh?

Neodymium · 29/10/2024 20:01

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2024 19:52

@Italiangreyhound

But I do think this kind of appalling behaviour is more common than we may imagine.

It certainly is! Statistics show that men are 6 to 7 times more likely to leave their wives/partners if she gets cancer or another life changing illness. One study showed that the divorce rate for female patients is 20.8%, the rate for male patients is 2.9%. So much for ' in sickness or in health, until death do us part', eh?

I knew someone with brain cancer who had to move away for treatment as she lived rurally. While she was gone her husband moved someone else in. She had no where to go when she finished treatment.

years later they got back together.

XChrome · 29/10/2024 20:08

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 02:08

"Telling her will be tough, but she deserves it, and needs it." No, she absolutely doesn't "deserve" or "need" to know right now when she's trying to survive cancer!

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How will she survive cancer if he gives her an STI? Are you not aware how vulnerable people are to any infection during chemo?

XChrome · 29/10/2024 20:13

Confusedandgrrrrr · 29/10/2024 14:16

I don't know if this is viable but could you speak to her oncologist first? Mention the situation and ask them if stds could lower immunity, whether they feel chemo and devastating news should go together, whether they could start her on meds to help her mental state out.
I think she should know, regardless of the situation. If somebody close to her suddenly died, you wouldn't keep that from her even though you know it would devastate her, you'd tell her.
What an absolute fuckup of a husband. I don't even want to call him a husband because he doesn't deserve that title. He could be comprimising her health further.

It isn't that an STD lowers immunity. It's that she already has almost no immunity while on chemo.
So any infection is extra dangerous for her.

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 20:17

XChrome · 29/10/2024 20:08

How will she survive cancer if he gives her an STI? Are you not aware how vulnerable people are to any infection during chemo?

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IF. Your whole argument is predicated on something that is highly unlikely - and the reason I know this is because when my mother was having chemo' for breast cancer the last thing she felt like was having sex with my dad! But yeah, I know nothing about about how chemo' ravages the body, makes you incredibly vulnerable to infection and makes you feel like crap. 🙄

TinkyBella · 29/10/2024 22:01

Goingncforthisone · 29/10/2024 07:28

I think lots of people are missing a key bit of info in the OP:

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling.

She is trying to survive and doesn't need to know this right now. She needs as much mental strength as possible.

I would:

Screenshot the messages before he deletes them.
email a letter to myself that you can show her later saying I want to tell you today but you're so unwell I can't.
tell him you're waiting until she's better, but he needs to be the one to tell her.
tell him the STD risk so he doesn't compromise her when immunity is so low. He needs to get tested.

So sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

If you are having chemotherapy your partner should be wearing a condom to protect from the chemo transferring to him.
Also I don’t think many women feel much like having sex in the throws of chemo.

Itsgottobeme · 30/10/2024 06:25

Or its come out. And she's on the defensive shoot the/hate the messenger who ended her marriage when she either new or doesn't think right now she wanted to know. As now she's got to confront that.

WitchesLadder · 30/10/2024 11:25

Neodymium · 29/10/2024 20:01

I knew someone with brain cancer who had to move away for treatment as she lived rurally. While she was gone her husband moved someone else in. She had no where to go when she finished treatment.

years later they got back together.

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Reading that chilled me to the bone… how utterly soulless and vile of her husband to replace his sick wife in their home while she was still alive… as if she was already dead to him!! 🥶🥶🥶

What is wrong with some men?! 🤮

I guess he wasn’t expecting her to survive. Thank goodness she did, though!!

Obviously I don’t know those people and the details of their story, but I can’t get my head around why his wife got back together with him after he had betrayed her, cheated on her and made her homeless. What if she became unwell again and her husband did the same thing again?! I can only imagine her self esteem must have been on the floor. 💔 And I say this as a woman who stayed in an abusive relationship for 3 years.

This is what makes these men, to me, so much worse than other cheating men I hear about who are greedy cake eaters but still have a little vestige of guilt about their affairs, and mentally compartmentalise by shagging their OWs at the OW’s place or in a hotel, or in another country. It’s the extra contempt, disrespect and heartlessness of cheating on their wives in their own beds and the complete lack of remorse.

The OP’s friend’s husband had already betrayed his wife and shown his lack of love for her even before he cheated, by not driving her to her appointments or looking after their kids, and that alone must have been heartbreaking, the person she loved letting her down when she needed his love and support the most.

Men like this don’t deserve to have relationships or children. Unfortunately, they usually prey on the kindest and most vulnerable women. 😡😡😡

XChrome · 30/10/2024 18:27

WitchesLadder · 30/10/2024 11:25

Reading that chilled me to the bone… how utterly soulless and vile of her husband to replace his sick wife in their home while she was still alive… as if she was already dead to him!! 🥶🥶🥶

What is wrong with some men?! 🤮

I guess he wasn’t expecting her to survive. Thank goodness she did, though!!

Obviously I don’t know those people and the details of their story, but I can’t get my head around why his wife got back together with him after he had betrayed her, cheated on her and made her homeless. What if she became unwell again and her husband did the same thing again?! I can only imagine her self esteem must have been on the floor. 💔 And I say this as a woman who stayed in an abusive relationship for 3 years.

This is what makes these men, to me, so much worse than other cheating men I hear about who are greedy cake eaters but still have a little vestige of guilt about their affairs, and mentally compartmentalise by shagging their OWs at the OW’s place or in a hotel, or in another country. It’s the extra contempt, disrespect and heartlessness of cheating on their wives in their own beds and the complete lack of remorse.

The OP’s friend’s husband had already betrayed his wife and shown his lack of love for her even before he cheated, by not driving her to her appointments or looking after their kids, and that alone must have been heartbreaking, the person she loved letting her down when she needed his love and support the most.

Men like this don’t deserve to have relationships or children. Unfortunately, they usually prey on the kindest and most vulnerable women. 😡😡😡

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Yes, those who cheat on sick or pregnant partners and/or who violate the family home and marital bed with their filth are definitely the lowest variety of cheater. I don't understand how anybody could forgive that. You know that this is a person who will not be there when you are at your lowest ebb and most need him/her, so what's the point of staying with such a person. I guess some people don't believe past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour.

fashionqueen0123 · 30/10/2024 21:51

Any news today OP? And what about the kids and Halloween?