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Original poster

Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

311 replies

CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 20:59

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 29/10/2024 11:03

Id say he’s taken her phone, texted that to you and blocked you and deleted your number so she can’t contact you.

if he told her something vile about you, she wouldn’t nicely text you to thank you for your help and block you. She would say nothing and block you.

honestly I’d be very worried about her safety. If he’s such an arsehole who is telling what he will do? He doesn’t seem to care about her. I would phone the police and request a welfare check. Could even be a DV situation.

Original poster
CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 11:04

Sassybooklover · 29/10/2024 09:51

My ex partner cheated on me whilst I was seriously ill in hospital, fighting for my life. I found out once I came out of hospital, and I couldn't cope. Being ill, nearly dying and then finding out my partner was a cheating shit bag. All too much, together. I shut down. I stayed because I physically and emotionally didn't have the strength to leave. I would be very wary in telling someone their husband is cheating, now, whilst she is unwell and vulnerable. Unless you have walked in the same shoes (or similar), it's very easy to say 'yes tell her'. However, you don't know how that will effect her, emotionally...on top of everything else she has going on in her life. Not suggesting, the OP should stay quiet forever...but is now really best for her?

I am really sorry for this. I really have sympathy. I feel for you. Look after yourself.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 29/10/2024 11:11

Unfortunately it's clear her H is controlling the situation. Either he took her phone, sent that message then blocked you, or he is directly controlling her and has made her say this to you , then block you. Both are concerning.
If he goes to work during the day and you have an idea when she will be at home without him. Try knocking on her door to give the keys back. Then show her the texts he has sent you, and tell her in person. At present, you have lost the friendship via his means, so you have nothing to lose.
If he gave her an sti while she is immunosuppressed, that could lead to sepis in her condition, which is life-threatening.
At the very least, put the keys in an envelope, with a note telling her and saying you can show texts he has sent you as proof if she wants more evidence.
Then you have done all you can.

DaringlyDizzy · 29/10/2024 11:15

Sassybooklover · 29/10/2024 09:51

My ex partner cheated on me whilst I was seriously ill in hospital, fighting for my life. I found out once I came out of hospital, and I couldn't cope. Being ill, nearly dying and then finding out my partner was a cheating shit bag. All too much, together. I shut down. I stayed because I physically and emotionally didn't have the strength to leave. I would be very wary in telling someone their husband is cheating, now, whilst she is unwell and vulnerable. Unless you have walked in the same shoes (or similar), it's very easy to say 'yes tell her'. However, you don't know how that will effect her, emotionally...on top of everything else she has going on in her life. Not suggesting, the OP should stay quiet forever...but is now really best for her?

This sounds awful. I know this isnt the point of this thread but how are you now? I hope you got some support and are now out of there x

Opentooffers · 29/10/2024 11:21

I get it's hard when people are saying to you that they got tipped over the edge by similar. In which case, start gently to suss the situation. In your shoes I'd fear that the text has not come from her and want to find out. So you could knock on her door, give the keys back and say " I'm sorry you don't want to be friends anymore or be in contact, here are your keys back, you won't here from me as you've blocked me, take care". See how she reacts to that. If it comes as a shock, she at least has knowledge that he is controlling her friendships, rather than thinking you have just abandoned her.

esme19 · 29/10/2024 11:26

I'd be going round there this morning with her key to check in and see what's going on

SoporificLettuce · 29/10/2024 11:41

I’ve just seen the updates.

Of course he has taken control of the situation, has protected his position and has silenced you.

Your poor friend. 😢

boysinbars · 29/10/2024 11:49

He is a piece of work -- he's told her that you have made a move on him I expect, and to cut you off. heartbreaking for her.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 29/10/2024 11:55

boysinbars · 29/10/2024 11:49

He is a piece of work -- he's told her that you have made a move on him I expect, and to cut you off. heartbreaking for her.

I do suspect the same

UrbanDieter · 29/10/2024 11:56

Opentooffers · 28/10/2024 21:14

Hmm, I can only imagine a prostitute would do a home visit shag to what is going to be obviously a family home, with all the signs of a wife and children living there. Surely not even an AP would sink that low. Grim for 2 reasons.
Tell her for her own health and welfare. Last thing you want to risk is an infection whilst on chemo with a lowered immune system.

APs don't care, they know.

Drinkdrinkduuurink · 29/10/2024 12:15

ProvincialLady24 · 28/10/2024 22:36

I think your friend is probably too poorly to take this on right now.

You sound like an amazing friend.

Thinking similar.

The prime concern is her right now, and when is the "best" time for her to know.

It may be too soon.

Original poster
CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 12:16

UrbanDieter · 29/10/2024 11:56

APs don't care, they know.

Show quote history

Sorry, what is an AP?

OP posts:
Vermeers · 29/10/2024 12:20

Wn38475 · 29/10/2024 10:02

The GP won’t do anything at all.

Show quote history

I mean in terms of alerting services to her vulnerability.
The OP has been dropping her to chemo appointments and caring for her children because he has refused too.
This is a seriously ill vulnerable women in treatment with young children.
SS could be alerted to help her.

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 12:23

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 09:10

After a lot of soul searching, I texted the husband late last night and told him he needs to step up to the plate and that once his wife is better, he needs to tell her. It was very neutral and I rewrote several times and removed all emotive language.

About 30 minutes ago, I got a text from my friend. She thanked me for my help but said she would not need it anymore. she does not want me coming to her house or contacting her and she hopes that once she is better we can talk but now is not a good time. She wants to be left alone. . I tried to reply but she has blocked me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what he has told her or what made her react like that.

She has confided in the past that she does not have any friends apart from me and her family are not really close (emotionally). Her parents have passed away.

I don’t know whether to go on with my life as she has told me that she does not want me around or find out what is going on. I don’t want to appear like an interfering busybody but also feel for her. I would not want to be isolated and in her situation and face things alone with a husband who really does not seem to have any interest in her or the kids.

I think your action in texting him last night OP was exactly the right thing to do and I'm sorry about the response you seem to have received, but ask yourself this: from all your experience of your friend, is this really how she would behave just out of the blue? And why, after all the help you've been to her when no-one else has been (even her own faithless husband!)? I agree with others who've suggested that either he's told her a lie about you, and/or he wrote the text and blocked you. I also agree with a pp who advised you to do nothing for a week. Sometimes, when we don't know what to do, the best thing is to do nothing - we always feel like we need to do something which makes us react in haste (often to our detriment) but the mere passage of time can sometimes present a solution. So, I would wait for a week to see if anything else happens. And if you hear nothing, think of other ways you can contact her: does he work away from the house, so you could try calling on her during the day? Do you know her hospital appt schedule so could try to see her there? Is it possible she might resume the school run, so you could catch her there?
If all else fails, I would leave well alone. You stepped up when no-one else did and have nothing to reproach yourself for - quite the opposite! You haven't added to her burden with your knowledge of her husband's infidelity at a time when she is neither emotionally or physically able to cope with it, instead absorbing it and trying to make him behave like a decent human being (as you are). I honestly believe that the day will come when you and she have a frank and friendly discussion about what an absolute scumbag her husband is. Waiting for that day may be the best thing to do.
All the very best OP - you're a great friend. 🤗 xx

Vermeers · 29/10/2024 12:28

I am generally a believer of telling women the truth, but in these desperate circumstances I cannot see how it will help her at all.

God knows what he will have told her.
Possibly that you are kver involved and he feels excluded by you and guilted her to block you.
Or he may have sent it himself.

Drinkdrinkduuurink · 29/10/2024 12:31

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 12:16

Sorry, what is an AP?

Show quote history

Affair partner.

SandDuneSally · 29/10/2024 12:36

I don't think you should tell her.
Not yet.

My DP is having chemo (although his cancer is terminal) and I can tell you that any upsets are likely to make the immune system worse and her recovery less certain.

No one having chemo needs news like this. It could- being blunt- kill her.

There will be a time and a place. Perhaps.

I'm sorry you saw this and hope her husband changes his behaviour and get his moral compass sorted.

Who knows what he told her? It could be anything like you looking into private things in the house, doing something 'wrong' with her kids, even making a 'pass' at him, anything to make her not want to see you or have your support.

Cynic17 · 29/10/2024 12:37

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened, OP, because you were trying to be a good friend. But doesn't it just illustrate that none of us should ever interfere in another person's marriage? It is literally none of our business.

yeaitsmeagain · 29/10/2024 12:43

Cynic17 · 29/10/2024 12:37

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened, OP, because you were trying to be a good friend. But doesn't it just illustrate that none of us should ever interfere in another person's marriage? It is literally none of our business.

If everyone thought like you a lot more women would be dead from domestic abuse.

yeaitsmeagain · 29/10/2024 12:44

I think you should go round to her house, after checking he's definitely not there of course.

SoporificLettuce · 29/10/2024 12:52

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 12:23

I think your action in texting him last night OP was exactly the right thing to do and I'm sorry about the response you seem to have received, but ask yourself this: from all your experience of your friend, is this really how she would behave just out of the blue? And why, after all the help you've been to her when no-one else has been (even her own faithless husband!)? I agree with others who've suggested that either he's told her a lie about you, and/or he wrote the text and blocked you. I also agree with a pp who advised you to do nothing for a week. Sometimes, when we don't know what to do, the best thing is to do nothing - we always feel like we need to do something which makes us react in haste (often to our detriment) but the mere passage of time can sometimes present a solution. So, I would wait for a week to see if anything else happens. And if you hear nothing, think of other ways you can contact her: does he work away from the house, so you could try calling on her during the day? Do you know her hospital appt schedule so could try to see her there? Is it possible she might resume the school run, so you could catch her there?
If all else fails, I would leave well alone. You stepped up when no-one else did and have nothing to reproach yourself for - quite the opposite! You haven't added to her burden with your knowledge of her husband's infidelity at a time when she is neither emotionally or physically able to cope with it, instead absorbing it and trying to make him behave like a decent human being (as you are). I honestly believe that the day will come when you and she have a frank and friendly discussion about what an absolute scumbag her husband is. Waiting for that day may be the best thing to do.
All the very best OP - you're a great friend. 🤗 xx

Show quote history

“trying to make him behave like a decent human being”

The problem is thinking that this is even possible.

Good, kind people seem to find it hard to grasp just how devious and nasty an adulterous husband can be. No one can make them behave like a decent human being. He isn’t a decent human being and can’t be expected to behave like one.

From his perspective he had a short window of opportunity to take decisive action to cut OP out of his wife’s life, which is exactly what he has done.

Hopefully there will be an opportunity for OP to speak to the friend again and to even support her in the future. Because she’s going to need all the support she can get.

best wishes to you, OP
you are a decent, kind human being xxx

SoporificLettuce · 29/10/2024 12:57

Cynic17 · 29/10/2024 12:37

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened, OP, because you were trying to be a good friend. But doesn't it just illustrate that none of us should ever interfere in another person's marriage? It is literally none of our business.

What??

CheekySwan · 29/10/2024 13:03

CovenOfCheeses · 29/10/2024 09:10

After a lot of soul searching, I texted the husband late last night and told him he needs to step up to the plate and that once his wife is better, he needs to tell her. It was very neutral and I rewrote several times and removed all emotive language.

About 30 minutes ago, I got a text from my friend. She thanked me for my help but said she would not need it anymore. she does not want me coming to her house or contacting her and she hopes that once she is better we can talk but now is not a good time. She wants to be left alone. . I tried to reply but she has blocked me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what he has told her or what made her react like that.

She has confided in the past that she does not have any friends apart from me and her family are not really close (emotionally). Her parents have passed away.

I don’t know whether to go on with my life as she has told me that she does not want me around or find out what is going on. I don’t want to appear like an interfering busybody but also feel for her. I would not want to be isolated and in her situation and face things alone with a husband who really does not seem to have any interest in her or the kids.

That sounds a bit suspect to me. Do you know places where she would go that you could possibly approach her and tell her you are worried about her - you've done so much for her and all of a sudden, even though she has no one else, she has cut you off and blocked you - this doesn't sound right. Personally that would ring bells that he has messaged you from her phone and she is none the wiser. If that's the case she is then going to think that you are ignoring her and you have blocked her.

Or, he has concocted a story. Or he has told her and she is embarrassed.

I would definitely to try to approach her away from the house.

Pinkchicken75 · 29/10/2024 13:04

I would maybe leave it a week & send her a card in the post ,saying when she is ready your still be there. leave it at that.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2024 14:07

@CovenOfCheeses

This is a tough one. I can think of three possibilities.

1-He told her the truth and she needs time to come to terms with it.

2-He told her that you made a pass at him and got angry when he 'rejected you'. This would be so he could say you're lying about his affair 'as revenge' for him having turned you down or that you're trying to breakup their marriage.

3-He sent the message and has blocked you so you can't tell her the truth.

You know them both. Which do you think might be the most likely?

Since you're blocked, there isn't much you can do as far as getting a message to her. Maybe wait a few days and if you're still blocked drop a letter through the box when you're sure she's home and he's not.