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Original poster

Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

311 replies

CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 20:59

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 31/10/2024 16:51

CovenOfCheeses · 31/10/2024 15:53

Thanks I don’t think I have capacity to speak to doctors as I am not a spouse or family. I don’t want to continue interfering into someone else’s life and marriage.

Show quote history

You absolutely can give information to them. Anyone can give information, they just can't give any back to you. They would act on the information and with discretion.

If you don't think your friend is being abused, then I can understand if you'd rather not say, but if there is a chance she is, I really think you should say something.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/10/2024 17:05

@CovenOfCheeses does your friend not have parents to help her OP? it looks like she has been forced into a corner there if mil is now at her house and didnt bother to help her previously/ keep up the good work. you are doing as well as you can. I think she is being coerced just a wee bit. x

DexysMidniteRunners · 31/10/2024 17:05

Haven't read all but yes, she should know of course. It wasn't a one off either was it?...

FrequentlyAskedQuestion · 31/10/2024 17:06

I think He’s made some allegation about you.

A horrible situation OP.

I think you are right to step back and wait. Any intervention is likely to make things even worse atm.

Waterboatlass · 31/10/2024 17:22

I mean, if you're concerned you could speak to a specialist nurse in confidence and make clear you'd like it handled sensitively without your name bringing in. They may then speak to her and see how she is and whether she needs any further support. I think ouf if respect for your friend's privacy I wouldn't give the full details but just that you've been a main source of support and due to a family issue you're now estranged so you'd like to ensure someone is keeping an eye on her in case she needs to talk to someone.

Not saying you should definitely do this, obv trust your judgement, just that you could give a tip off in a sensitive way if you think that's needed.

Nettleteaser101 · 31/10/2024 17:25

I think you are right and that you should take a step back now. At least even if she is hovering her MIL is there now so she is being looked after. There is not much you can do Im sorry to say.

tsmainsqueeze · 31/10/2024 17:35

CovertPiggery · 31/10/2024 16:51

You absolutely can give information to them. Anyone can give information, they just can't give any back to you. They would act on the information and with discretion.

If you don't think your friend is being abused, then I can understand if you'd rather not say, but if there is a chance she is, I really think you should say something.

Show quote history

I think you could possibly make things a whole lot worse if you contact her gp without knowing the full facts and also potentially isolate her even more if that's what is happening to her.
Hopefully she will recover not only health wise but mentally too and gather the strength to leave this vile man when she is ready.

WitchesLadder · 31/10/2024 20:21

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/10/2024 17:05

@CovenOfCheeses does your friend not have parents to help her OP? it looks like she has been forced into a corner there if mil is now at her house and didnt bother to help her previously/ keep up the good work. you are doing as well as you can. I think she is being coerced just a wee bit. x

The OP said her friend’s parents had passed away in one of her updates:

“She has confided in the past that she does not have any friends apart from me and her family are not really close (emotionally). Her parents have passed away.”

I too think it’s interesting to note that the MIL never stepped in to help previously and has only done so now, unless she previously lived too far away or was unable to spare the time. You would think that any normal MIL would show an interest in helping to look after her own grandchildren!

Original poster
CovenOfCheeses · 31/10/2024 20:25

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/10/2024 17:05

@CovenOfCheeses does your friend not have parents to help her OP? it looks like she has been forced into a corner there if mil is now at her house and didnt bother to help her previously/ keep up the good work. you are doing as well as you can. I think she is being coerced just a wee bit. x

her parents have passed away and she really is not close to her family. I don’t think she has any close family and she does not have any friends apart from me. I don’t think she clicked with anyone from her children’s school. She gave up work to look after the children and never went back so she does not have any work friends.

I know she owned the house before her husband moved in so she must have had a successful career prior to children.

OP posts:
Youvebeenframed · 31/10/2024 20:58

Firstly, you are an amazing friend OP and one day she will see this loyalty for what it is.

For now, however, you’ve done everything you can for your friend and her kids.…….
That said, there is something really really wrong and quite sinister about your most recent update and while there’s not much you can do in person at her door (hell knows you tried) you can alert those who can help, anonymously if needs be and I really think you should because there’s something really “off” about this whole thing for your poor friend and she does need help.

fashionqueen0123 · 31/10/2024 21:15

WitchesLadder · 31/10/2024 20:21

The OP said her friend’s parents had passed away in one of her updates:

“She has confided in the past that she does not have any friends apart from me and her family are not really close (emotionally). Her parents have passed away.”

I too think it’s interesting to note that the MIL never stepped in to help previously and has only done so now, unless she previously lived too far away or was unable to spare the time. You would think that any normal MIL would show an interest in helping to look after her own grandchildren!

Show quote history

Exactly it’s pretty creepy.

You could always report to adult social services. It does sound like coercive control.

I wonder who will be doing the school run next week.

Wn38475 · 31/10/2024 21:25

I would knock on the door another day, hope that the MIL answers and say to her, do you realise that when I was helping friend, that I came into the house and found your son fucking another woman?

Itsgottobeme · 01/11/2024 07:05

Wn38475 · 31/10/2024 21:25

I would knock on the door another day, hope that the MIL answers and say to her, do you realise that when I was helping friend, that I came into the house and found your son fucking another woman?

I'd want to do this too. Because either you want to face the shithead Mil down so she knows her DIL has people looking put for her and not to treat you like she did.
Or her son has been telling porkies about the op. Like previous posters said maybe he's told his mum this crazy lady is making his wife sicker or telling lies about him. Which cpuld then be why the mil was being so curt.

WitchesLadder · 01/11/2024 14:58

“I know she owned the house before her husband moved in so she must have had a successful career prior to children.”

I’m so glad your friend owns the house, as it gives her options should she choose to divorce her husband.

Obviously, your friend is too ill to work now, so she and her children are dependent on the husband… but, if she recovers and is able to get a new job, then in the future she could sell her house, move with the kids into a less expensive property and start a new life. It’s a shit situation and not what she would have envisioned when she gave up her job and started a family, but at least she has more options than the other victim of cheating mentioned earlier in the thread who ended up with nowhere to live!

But right now your friend’s priority must be simply to survive. And I hope that her husband and MIL haven’t bullied all her confidence and self esteem away. 💔

Original poster
CovenOfCheeses · 09/11/2024 19:32

I have just had a text from a number purporting to be from my friend. I have no need to doubt it. She asks for my permission to be the executor of her will and she wants me to also be her LPA for welfare. It seems really onerous but after googling, it looks as if I need to decide whether she needs to continue treatment if she cannot decide for herself. I fear for her and the situation but don’t know how I should intervene now.

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 09/11/2024 19:39

@CovenOfCheeses she is placing an awful lot of pressure on you but you said yourself she has no one else. The fact she feels the need to ask you this shows that she does not feel safe in her marriage and that her husband definitely doesn’t have her best interests at heart. She is asking for your help, I can understand being reticent to take this in but you appear to be her only option. I hope you have the strength to be there for her and give her hope that someone is on her side and she’s not being left in an impossible situation with no one to turn to.

This is incredibly sad but she must be desperate - she’s either got a new phone to use secretly or her husband has changed her number to isolate her further.

You can do this, find out what her wishes are and your job will just be to ensure that they are respected. I would suggest maybe getting some external witnesses/legal professionals to authorise/witness all this so you can’t be accused of coercion. Potentially having a statement from her about why she is chiding to do this would be useful (not that I have any legal background).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/11/2024 19:46

Have you considered asking her to come round to yours on her own to discuss this, @CovenOfCheeses?

I realise she said last time that she wasn't prepared to talk at the moment, but however desperate she can hardly expect you to take on something like this just for the asking

I'm also thinking this would clarify whether the message really dif come from her

solice84 · 09/11/2024 19:51

She is asking a lot for someone who currently has you blocked

I really don't know what I'd do in this situation

Drakhan · 09/11/2024 19:52

Force the situation on him by refusing to look after the children so they aren’t there when you take her to hospital and then tell her what you saw.
If she gets angry and calls you a liar drop her at hospital and tell her she needs to get her loving husband to pick her up.

momager1 · 09/11/2024 20:23

Drakhan · 09/11/2024 19:52

Force the situation on him by refusing to look after the children so they aren’t there when you take her to hospital and then tell her what you saw.
If she gets angry and calls you a liar drop her at hospital and tell her she needs to get her loving husband to pick her up.

a little late to the party there.. at least read the OP's posts

Drakhan · 09/11/2024 20:24

momager1 · 09/11/2024 20:23

a little late to the party there.. at least read the OP's posts

Show quote history

👍

fashionqueen0123 · 09/11/2024 20:50

CovenOfCheeses · 09/11/2024 19:32

I have just had a text from a number purporting to be from my friend. I have no need to doubt it. She asks for my permission to be the executor of her will and she wants me to also be her LPA for welfare. It seems really onerous but after googling, it looks as if I need to decide whether she needs to continue treatment if she cannot decide for herself. I fear for her and the situation but don’t know how I should intervene now.

Goodness this is a turn in events. I wonder if she has a got a secret phone. The poor woman. I would suggest asking for a time to meet her alone so you can discuss this. Being an executor I would say fine to because she wants to make sure the right people get her estate I suggest.
Being a LPA doesn’t mean you’d suddenly make all medical decisions don’t panic. But it sounds like she does not trust her husband. Please do help her. But you need a conversation with her. There must be a time when she is alone

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2024 21:15

@CovenOfCheeses

I'd do it for a friend. It may be that she doesn't trust her husband to make the same decisions for her care that she would make for herself. And it may be that she's left instructions in her will that her children get her estate rather than it going to him.

But before you make a decision you really need to meet with/speak with her. You need to know the contents of her will and what her final wishes are regarding ongoing care once she becomes incapable of directing her own care. You want to be sure you can carry out her wishes with a clear conscience and that her wishes don't in some way go against your own moral code. And considering the circumstances, you need to know if you can legally carry out her final wishes.

You also don't know if she actually sent the text of her own free will. I have no idea why her husband would want to put such things in your hands, but stranger things have happened.

The poor woman. It sounds as if she's being held practically captive. I wish there was somewhere 'residential' she could go for care, but I know she'd probably never leave her children.

JoMaloneCandles · 09/11/2024 21:59

Call the number, see if she answers then ask to meet her alone and discuss in person.

Youvebeenframed · 09/11/2024 22:05

A: “of course I will support you
try to tell me when/where we can meet up. Your next appointment? Waiting room ? Toilets?”

she is most definitely reaching out for your help 🥺