Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

I will visit her tomorrow and see whether she is OK.

Good luck!

Best of luck OP. I hope you're able to see her and find out what's going on for your own peace of mind.

I am so worried as to what he’s done. And the poor kids too.

Has she blocked you on all messaging platforms?

Hope tomorrow's visit goes well.

Hope goes OK tomorrow OP.

He has probably told her you made a pass at him 🥴

If she blocked you on WhatsApp she needs to block you separately via phone / normal text. It's two separate programs.

You could try the other?

Just an update.

I went to my friend’s house this morning to return her keys, see if the kids needed taking out to trick or treating and to see whether my friend was OK.

The door was opened by an older lady who was a little curt. I told her what I wanted and then said I would like to meet with my friend. She said she was X who was <husband’s> mother and then asked me to wait and she would call my friend. She then shut the door on me. I wasn’t invited in, offered a cup of tea or anything. After about 7 or 8 minutes the door opened and there was my friend, with the MIL behind her. She looked very frail and tired and she said, thanks for coming and thinking of her, she was trying to concentrate on getting better and on her relationship with her husband and she would contact me when she was able to, but at the moment she was not able to see me or talk to me. She said she had his family to help and she would no longer need me to help her out. Then the mother in law said my friend needs to rest and I should go. I handed over her keys which I had in an envelope and left. With hindsight I should have kept them, just in case but the situation made me very nervous and I struggled to think in the moment.

This was a really bizarre and awkward interaction.

It was not an ideal conclusion and I think I don’t have any further avenues to explore.

I have been blocked on text and WhatsApp. I don’t have any other ways of contacting her apart from a letter and I think I may need to let this go for now.

You did so much to support her OP and you're right - you can do no more. Try not to dwell on it - you've been a wonderful friend to someone who really needed you. 🤗

Well done OP, it took some guts to go round. I think it showed that you are thinking of her and concerned. I think it's time to accept you may never know which version he's given her, to prompt this response. However she didn't appear angry with you. Right now it's possibly just too much for her to cope with, however I suspect that if/ when she needs a friend, she will remember your kindness. I would leave it there for now. She knows where you are if she needs you. You do something nice for yourself today, it's been a bruising experience. Take comfort that you behaved well.

OP you have done what you can.

The family have closed ranks. I doubt your friend knows the true story. But there is nothing you can do at this time.

She said working on her relationship so maybe he has told her? Also, do you think she could have had bad news about her treatment or anything?

Either that or he is keeping her from you because you caught him out.

Faced with a "you tell her or I will", which IMO was the right thing to do, it sounds as if he's invented something to cover what you saw - very likely "I was having a coffee here with a friend and OP turned it into something completely different" - and spread the word among his own people too

You've done what you can, and the only good news is that she hasn't gone for "you're evil and I never want to see you again", so hopefully she'll still be able to return when it all falls apart and you can help her pick up the pieces

The only other thing I can think of is to print off his deeply incriminating messages begging you to say nothing and put them through her door, but TBH that's probably better left if she's in the mindset to accept "explanations" for those too

Faced with a "you tell her or I will", which IMO was the right thing to do, it sounds as if he's invented something to cover what you saw - very likely "I was having a coffee here with a friend and OP turned it into something completely different" - and spread the word among his own people too.

I think this is exactly what he's done, which is a bit idiotic seeing as you have the texts he sent you confirming he's been cheating. That or he's claimed you made a pass at him and he knocked you back.

Sounds like his mother is a nasty piece of work too. It really sounds like they are isolating her.
If it was me I’d try to go back again when you know she’s alone although I’m not sure how. He has clearly told her a lie. I’d write a letter but I do wonder if she would get to read it.

It’s very unnerving that the mil was residing over the whole conversation. A bit like coercive control in your friends frail state.

your poor friend should only be focussing on her recovery, what kind of man says she needs to work on her relationship when she is battling to stay alive.

Something untoward has happened her but you’ll probably not know the truth. Well done for trying, nothing more you can do. I hope your friend is ok x

What a sad update. OP, you've really done your best.

How very odd that the MIL was hovering over. You've done the very best you can by this friend, you've really give over and above. Keep lines of communication open i.e don't block back, and send a Christmas card. You don't know what you've been told or what's happened health wise but you've acted in good faith and this is how she is dealing with things at this time. Hopefully she will come back after processing things xx

I agree with this.

It sounds like you've been to the hospital with her when she was having treatments. I would speak with them and let them know you're worried she's a victim of abuse.

They can find a time to speak with her with no husband or MIL and check she is safe.

Yes please to this as it’s really worrying.

I echo what others have said- you’ve done the best you can in an extremely disempowering situation. I’m sure your friend, deep down, is grateful for your support even if she is unable to express it right now (due to shock, her state of health AND her MIL breathing down her neck!!).

From what you have said in your latest update, I now believe your friend herself wrote the text message and not her husband. In the message she said she would be willing to speak to you at a later time (when her health is better?). And when you met her in person, she didn’t appear angry with you at all and she again said she would contact you “when she was able to”.

I have a hunch (although maybe it’s just a wild guess) that your friend’s husband, after you gave him the ultimatum, got in touch with his mother to confess he had cheated, BUT dramatically minimised what happened, for instance claiming he had only cheated on one occasion, and threw a pity party making out he was mentally a mess because of his wife’s cancer. His mother then backed him up when he confessed to his wife. And I suspect what’s happening now is the MIL is putting pressure on your friend to forgive her husband. Plus, by taking over your friend’s caregiving, the MIL wants to make your friend feel obligated to her family.

It is highly unlikely that such a horrible man was raised with good values by his parents and taught to respect women -
in most cases with a person devoid of a heart, at least one of their parents was toxic too. So I think the MIL raised him to be the way he is, or at the very least, enabled his behaviour.

Hopefully when your friend recovers, she will be in a better position to get free of her husband. In the meantime I don’t think there is anything else you can do, really. ☹️

But it sounds like she will reach out to you in future when she is ready, maybe sooner than you think, after she’s had time to process the immediate bombshell of what’s happened.

Thanks I don’t think I have capacity to speak to doctors as I am not a spouse or family. I don’t want to continue interfering into someone else’s life and marriage.

Absolutely right OP, wise and restrained as ever (I can't imagine your friend's reaction if you attempted to do this). Take care. xx

I was thinking along similar lines re. the husband's behaviour. At the very least he's created some story for his mother's consumption - enough to get her to help out anyway and negate the need for OP's ongoing support. It may be something as simple as "N's given her (OP) a key so she can just let herself in whenever and I don't like having my privacy invaded" without confessing anything at all about the OW. 🤔