Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father is refusing to return our son

233 replies

Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:29

Hello everyone,

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. On Friday, my son went to a holiday club at school. He took a while to come back home and I couldn't get through to him on the phone. I called the school receptionist who told me that DS left a while ago as his father picked him up and said he will return him. I immediately called DS's father who refused to pick up his phone- when he finally did. He answered and said that DS is staying with him and he will not return him to me. Since then, he has refused to let me speak with DS, has refuse to tell me when he will be bringing back DS. I went out with a friend tonight as my head was in a mess and when the father called me, he sounded angry that I went out with a friend and proclaimed that DS no longer wanted to go back home.

Before anyone asks, I have contacted the police who were very sympathetic but told me that there was nothing they can do (as he has PR), same thing with social services. I just don't know what to do from here on now.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 26/10/2024 23:38

Oh gosh, this must be awful for you. Make sure you’re communicating via message/email so you have evidence he’s refusing to bring him back. Your poor son.

I would send a message saying ‘you absolutely haven’t got xxx’s best interests if you’re refusing contact with his mum and I have applied to the courts to sort this out & it won’t look good on you.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:43

If I mention courts, he would definitely not return DS back. He would move elsewhere. He has no respect for the law and enforcement. He feels entitled to do this.

What should I apply for regarding the courts?

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 26/10/2024 23:49

See a family law sepecilaist….it’s my understanding that’s it a legal requirement that you attempt mediation with your ex before you are allowed to file for court proceedings…..hope it works out

AncientAndModern1 · 27/10/2024 00:06

Sorry this is happening. How old is your son? What’s the normal living arrangement? Is contact court ordered?

Wasywasydoodah · 27/10/2024 00:06

send the message evidencing that you’ve asked and he’s refusing to allow son to see you/return. How old is he? How much time does he normally spend at his dad’s? I suspect there’s an urgent court application needed (child arrangements order and prohibited steps to prevent removal) don’t bother with mediation, since it all sounds very sudden. Incidentally, if he’s had run ins with police before then that won’t help his case.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:13

My son is 14. My son resides with me full time, since birth. He has never lived with his father before. He was in and out of his life. He was abusive to me and this made him stay away from DS (due to many police convictions). A year ago or two he started asking to see DS but I told him that I preferred supervised due to his unpredictable behaviour (for example like this situation) and him threatening me that if he sees me with another man he would kill me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:14

The reason why he has done this is because I refused to enter into a relationship with him and told him that I wanted to be celibate.

OP posts:
Whatamidoing301 · 27/10/2024 00:16

I've been in this exact situation. Felt fearful of contacting courts too but that's what I did. I got an urgent court arranged C100 I think and I strongly suggest you do that. Good luck I feel for you, it was the most stressful period of my life.

JellyBeanFactory · 27/10/2024 00:18

At 14, your DS will have the biggest voice in this.

I'm not sure he can keep him against his will at that age.

Sorry you're facing this battle OP, I hope DS is home safe soon.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:19

Whatamidoing301 · 27/10/2024 00:16

I've been in this exact situation. Felt fearful of contacting courts too but that's what I did. I got an urgent court arranged C100 I think and I strongly suggest you do that. Good luck I feel for you, it was the most stressful period of my life.

I've been reading online and it was advised that mothers should refrain from going to court as the non resident parents will receive more access and mothers are not looked in favourably in the courts.

OP posts:
BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:21

There is no requirement for mediation if the relationship was abusive.

You need to apply for a child arrangements order from the court. It is easier with legal help, but by no means essential. The court is required to consider contact at every hearing.

Sorry you are having such an awful time.

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:22

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:19

I've been reading online and it was advised that mothers should refrain from going to court as the non resident parents will receive more access and mothers are not looked in favourably in the courts.

Show quote history

OP that is genuinely absolute nonsense

Miniope · 27/10/2024 00:22

We've been through this with my step children. We have full custody but their mum has refused to return them a number of times, police and social work do nothing. Their mum is similar to your ex in having zero respect for what the law or court tells her to do to the point where she has even been fined for contempt of court due to disregarding court orders, however she has never had to actually pay any of the fines as she doesn't work so they have been reduced to zero. Her refusing to return them has always coincided with school holidays, now we don't go to court, we just wait until school starts back and then get my stepkids from there. They are usually very happy to get home and have often been told made up stories by their mum as to why they are staying with her for that time.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:24

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:21

There is no requirement for mediation if the relationship was abusive.

You need to apply for a child arrangements order from the court. It is easier with legal help, but by no means essential. The court is required to consider contact at every hearing.

Sorry you are having such an awful time.

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this? Also, I am worried that if I make a court apologies, this would anger DS's father and he will not return DS to me. He would definitely keep him away from school, move, and will not let me have contact with him. Does the court inform the other parent of the application?

OP posts:
teenmaw · 27/10/2024 00:25

He's 14, he will no doubt realize soon enough that his dad is vile and come back and stay if his own free will. Bide your time. Does ds have a phone? I'd communicate with him directly and make sure he knows not to believe any shit he gets told about you.

Kimmeridge · 27/10/2024 00:27

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this

No you can't get a power of arrest. He might be a manipulative prick but he's not broken the law - as the police have already told you.

Have you managed to speak to your son yet? Do you know what are his thoughts & feelings. Its more complicated with children of his age because his feelings will very much be taken into account.

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:29

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:24

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this? Also, I am worried that if I make a court apologies, this would anger DS's father and he will not return DS to me. He would definitely keep him away from school, move, and will not let me have contact with him. Does the court inform the other parent of the application?

Show quote history

A power of arrest appears in injunctions but it's not a stand alone thing you can apply for. He hasn't broken the law if he has PR. I wouldn't get dragged into ill informed rabbit holes. Apply for a child arrangements order. The court will ask cafcass (the court social workers) to get in touch pronto, and they will speak with you and report back to court. Things will move faster than you expect.

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:34

And yes the court would definitely tell him. Moving away won't help him. To the contrary it will make it considerably more likely he will be refused unsupervised contact

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 00:36

My advice op would just try and talk to him calmly first this week to try to sort it yourselves. Just ring him again and ask him when is son coming home.

If he still refuses next week , get court involved

Noseybookworm · 27/10/2024 00:42

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP, a family law specialist. I do think it's odd that you went out with a friend tonight though - didn't you want to be home in case your son managed to get home somehow?

Edingril · 27/10/2024 00:42

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:24

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this? Also, I am worried that if I make a court apologies, this would anger DS's father and he will not return DS to me. He would definitely keep him away from school, move, and will not let me have contact with him. Does the court inform the other parent of the application?

Show quote history

Arrested for what? I don't know where you are getting your legal advice from but I would check their qualifications

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 00:46

He's 14. There is not a lot of point going to court. He will be going back to school soon, you can speak to him when he's at school, contact the school and explain - go in and see him, they will help facilitate this. If he wants to stay with his dad and tells you this then no court will make him come back to you. But if he's being coerced into staying with dad then you can get him home and report to police as a matter of abuse rather than a contact disagreement.

titchy · 27/10/2024 00:51

He's 14. Surely he has his own phone you can call/message him on. Why do you say your ex wouldn't let you speak to him?

At his age it's pretty much up to him who he lives with. A court won't enforce anything if he doesn't agree. What's his relationship with his father like?

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:52

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 00:46

He's 14. There is not a lot of point going to court. He will be going back to school soon, you can speak to him when he's at school, contact the school and explain - go in and see him, they will help facilitate this. If he wants to stay with his dad and tells you this then no court will make him come back to you. But if he's being coerced into staying with dad then you can get him home and report to police as a matter of abuse rather than a contact disagreement.

That isn't quite right. The court likely would make an order in these circumstances. Wishes and feelings are one of a number of factors but by no means determinative - and particularly so if an abusive absent father has removed a child in this way.

The police would also not do anything "as a matter of abuse" in a situation where parents are arguing over their child. They would tell her to go to court...