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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father is refusing to return our son

233 replies

Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:29

Hello everyone,

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. On Friday, my son went to a holiday club at school. He took a while to come back home and I couldn't get through to him on the phone. I called the school receptionist who told me that DS left a while ago as his father picked him up and said he will return him. I immediately called DS's father who refused to pick up his phone- when he finally did. He answered and said that DS is staying with him and he will not return him to me. Since then, he has refused to let me speak with DS, has refuse to tell me when he will be bringing back DS. I went out with a friend tonight as my head was in a mess and when the father called me, he sounded angry that I went out with a friend and proclaimed that DS no longer wanted to go back home.

Before anyone asks, I have contacted the police who were very sympathetic but told me that there was nothing they can do (as he has PR), same thing with social services. I just don't know what to do from here on now.

OP posts:
dementedmummy · 27/10/2024 08:11

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:24

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this? Also, I am worried that if I make a court apologies, this would anger DS's father and he will not return DS to me. He would definitely keep him away from school, move, and will not let me have contact with him. Does the court inform the other parent of the application?

Show quote history

If your ex keeps your son away from school, social services will definitely become involved. I'm assuming you are in England? If so, both you and your husband will get fined for him being off so I would get ahead of that curve and ensure that the school knows he has been taken without your consent, that you have been in touch with both ss and the police and you are doing everything possible to get him back and into school. I would also be heading to the school on Monday to check on the kid. Much as you don't want to, time to get a lawyer involved. A night in the clink might just work if you are awarded 100% residence and supervised visits. Has your son got a phone you can speak to him on? Good luck

johnworf · 27/10/2024 08:12

Wasywasydoodah · 27/10/2024 00:06

send the message evidencing that you’ve asked and he’s refusing to allow son to see you/return. How old is he? How much time does he normally spend at his dad’s? I suspect there’s an urgent court application needed (child arrangements order and prohibited steps to prevent removal) don’t bother with mediation, since it all sounds very sudden. Incidentally, if he’s had run ins with police before then that won’t help his case.

We have been through the same situation with my DH's son (DH has residency). You need to see a solicitor asap and take these steps as PP has mentioned. The police won't get involved until you have done this.

VOWarks · 27/10/2024 08:15

Just go and pick him up from school. It is his choice whether he goes with you if he wants to be with you, he will come. If not, let him know that you will always be waiting for him and always be there for him if he wants to come home. At 14, he can make that decision. If dad is abusive, and you think that he will be a bad influence or your son cannot make a sensible decision, then go see a family solicitor.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/10/2024 08:19

I would go into school and remove him at lunch time so that I cod talk with son to ascertain what is going on.

mommatoone · 27/10/2024 08:19

This ! OP, please consider getting a welfare check done. Explain to the Police everything you have said here. I suspect the police will have info on your ex which may increase the need to do this. Have you spoken to your DS since he took him?. If not, how do you know he is with him?(I'm talking hypothetically here). In which case you could report him as missing? I hope you get sorted this sounds like absolute hell for you.

kkneat · 27/10/2024 08:20

You can apply for an emergency child arrangements order but what I would do is on Monday phone school and arrange to meet your son just before school ends or just before. You need to see your son then hopefully bring him home with you.

kkneat · 27/10/2024 08:22

Apologies just seen what you’ve said about half term. Therefore I’d call the police and tell them you are worried about your son’s welfare, that you have not spoken to him & his dad is abusive. Police hopefully will do a welfare check

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 08:22

VOWarks · 27/10/2024 08:15

Just go and pick him up from school. It is his choice whether he goes with you if he wants to be with you, he will come. If not, let him know that you will always be waiting for him and always be there for him if he wants to come home. At 14, he can make that decision. If dad is abusive, and you think that he will be a bad influence or your son cannot make a sensible decision, then go see a family solicitor.

He goes back to school next Monday. Not tomorrow.

OP posts:
mommatoone · 27/10/2024 08:23

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/10/2024 04:38

I suspect there is more to this.

A 14 year old isn’t going to have been taken and held against their will. If he wanted to come home then he would.

It’s also highly unlikely the a 14 year old is going to be without his phone. If he wanted to call the OP he would.

Clearly this child is in regular contact with his father if he knew where to collect him from and he went willingly. And the school knew who he’d gone with. It’s not as if he’s primary age where it would be obvious where he is?

And it’s odd that the OP went out so soon after he’d gone when he could easily come back.

I suspect contact with his father is a source of friction between the OP and her DS, and the DS took this opportunity to see him.

Ok then Miss Marple,thanks for your valuable input. You know nothing about this family. This 14 year old could be in fear or his father or father could be manipulating him to turn against his mother? . OP says her son has SEN , you don't know how this affects him? Take your judgmental comments somewhere else.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 27/10/2024 08:29

The child is vulnerable. If told to do something, he does it. We have no idea what his father said to him.

OP, please try to stop panicking and write down a plan then stick to it. Contact Women's Aid for help as you seem to be struggling with what to do and need some real life support.

Starlight7080 · 27/10/2024 08:30

Do you know where he lives? Can you go and try to atleast see if your son is OK? Talk to him?
Why is he suddenly doing this do you think?

Attelina · 27/10/2024 08:31

Whole t the hostel have rules about a minor being there or more than the one occupant already agreed to?

LettuceSpray · 27/10/2024 08:32

@Onestepfromendingitall there are no ‘court houses’ in the UK and we have not used the term ‘custody’ in relation to parental responsibility for many, many years.

It’s not fair to give legal advice if you don’t have the correct information or you don’t live in the same country.

CornishTiger · 27/10/2024 08:32

If you don’t feel able to do the paperwork yourself you can contact these people. it is domestic abuse even if you aren’t living together and separated a long time ago. He’s continuing the control. If he hasn’t returned him to school tomorrow you are in an eceb stronger position as he isn’t acting as a responsible parent.

www.ncdv.org.uk/

Livinghappy · 27/10/2024 08:33

Do you fear ex leaving the country? Does your ex hold passport/citizenship from another country?

Does your son have formal diagnosis of SEN?

As others say, when you spoke to the police did you make them aware of your concerns for your son? Such as your exs previous convictions.

How did your ex know you were out with someone else?

RandomMess · 27/10/2024 08:42

Speak to your local police "domestic violence" team (they may have another name).

Discuss with them the fleeing risk, the risk of harm to your DS, how vulnerable your DS is , whether you can accompany them to the welfare check. If it can planned so you can get court orders served.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 08:43

RandomMess · 27/10/2024 08:42

Speak to your local police "domestic violence" team (they may have another name).

Discuss with them the fleeing risk, the risk of harm to your DS, how vulnerable your DS is , whether you can accompany them to the welfare check. If it can planned so you can get court orders served.

I don't understand. Do you mean I can go with the police to get the court order served?

OP posts:
LennyBalls · 27/10/2024 08:48

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if your son's dad will take him to school, if he does make a dentist appointment, or doctor's appointment and go and pick him up early.

prh47bridge · 27/10/2024 08:48

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 07:38

@silkworm, thank you. But some posters are saying that it will be unlikely that I get an order as DS is 14. Should I also fill out the child arrangements order?

Ignore those who are telling you that you won't get anywhere because of your child's age. It is true that the child's wishes are taken into account by the courts and, at 14, they are often decisive. However, your child has SEN and it seems you suspect that the father won't send him to school. Those are factors that can mean the courts will return your son to you even if that isn't what he wants.

On your earlier post re mediation, all that is ever required is that you attend a Mediation Information and Assessment meeting. You don't have to actually attempt mediation. And, when you need an urgent hearing like this, you can skip the MIAM.

Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 08:48

Livinghappy · 27/10/2024 08:33

Do you fear ex leaving the country? Does your ex hold passport/citizenship from another country?

Does your son have formal diagnosis of SEN?

As others say, when you spoke to the police did you make them aware of your concerns for your son? Such as your exs previous convictions.

How did your ex know you were out with someone else?

Yes, he has a passport from another country.

Yes, all has been mentioned to the police. I have also reported this incident.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 08:49

Livinghappy · 27/10/2024 08:33

Do you fear ex leaving the country? Does your ex hold passport/citizenship from another country?

Does your son have formal diagnosis of SEN?

As others say, when you spoke to the police did you make them aware of your concerns for your son? Such as your exs previous convictions.

How did your ex know you were out with someone else?

He knew that I was out because he called me and heard noise in the background and died why I was out.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 27/10/2024 08:50

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:06

What is PR? Why can’t the police and social services do anything?

Show quote history

the father has Parental Responsibility. In the absence of any court order re residence he has the same rights as the mother. This is a 14 year old who appears to have gone to his father's willingly. The police and social services won't interfere. The mother will need to go to court if she wants a residence order. The court will take into account what a 14 year old wants to happen

Spirallingdownwards · 27/10/2024 08:52

Criminal convictions in themselves do koto prevent a father from being able to have contacted or even residence orders for their children. If the mother wants to prevent him seeing his child she should have and should now apply for residence and state reasons why the child should not see their other parent

RandomMess · 27/10/2024 08:55

@Gownsandteas I'm not sure which is why you need to speak to them.

You need to go in heavy on your ask abducting your son to abroad and a risk of annihilation to hurt you.

Does your son have a British passport?

MissHavershamReturns · 27/10/2024 08:56

Dear Op, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please contact a family law specialist solicitor asap.

Does your DS have an EHCP? Is he in a special school? If yes to both of these then his father may not be able to deregister him without the head’s permission if you check the rules on this.