Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father is refusing to return our son

233 replies

Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:29

Hello everyone,

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. On Friday, my son went to a holiday club at school. He took a while to come back home and I couldn't get through to him on the phone. I called the school receptionist who told me that DS left a while ago as his father picked him up and said he will return him. I immediately called DS's father who refused to pick up his phone- when he finally did. He answered and said that DS is staying with him and he will not return him to me. Since then, he has refused to let me speak with DS, has refuse to tell me when he will be bringing back DS. I went out with a friend tonight as my head was in a mess and when the father called me, he sounded angry that I went out with a friend and proclaimed that DS no longer wanted to go back home.

Before anyone asks, I have contacted the police who were very sympathetic but told me that there was nothing they can do (as he has PR), same thing with social services. I just don't know what to do from here on now.

OP posts:
TealReal · 27/10/2024 00:56

If you email the headteacher and mark it as urgent safeguarding, they will pick up your email and contact social services

Also have you tried contacting your son via his phone or SM?

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/10/2024 00:56

teenmaw · 27/10/2024 00:25

He's 14, he will no doubt realize soon enough that his dad is vile and come back and stay if his own free will. Bide your time. Does ds have a phone? I'd communicate with him directly and make sure he knows not to believe any shit he gets told about you.

This is a risk I would not take. It’s not for the child to realise over time (or not) that his mums house is where he’s better off. The OP can’t stand idly by.

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 01:07

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:52

That isn't quite right. The court likely would make an order in these circumstances. Wishes and feelings are one of a number of factors but by no means determinative - and particularly so if an abusive absent father has removed a child in this way.

The police would also not do anything "as a matter of abuse" in a situation where parents are arguing over their child. They would tell her to go to court...

Show quote history

I said if the father is coercing him to stay then she can report it to police. As that would be abuse.

I don't agree that the court would make an order at age 14 nor that they would direct a NT 14 year old to live contrary to their wishes (unless there was clear evidence of danger at the home they preferred which would lend itself to a different set of orders/approach than a child arrangement order)

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 01:08

TealReal · 27/10/2024 00:56

If you email the headteacher and mark it as urgent safeguarding, they will pick up your email and contact social services

Also have you tried contacting your son via his phone or SM?

There's not a lot of point contacting social services if it's just a contact dispute. OP said she's already tried that anyway.

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 01:13

Did you call your son?

gillefc82 · 27/10/2024 01:27

Are the school aware of the history and circumstances here @Gownsandteas? Had you told them not to allow son to leave with anyone not authorised (e.g. his Dad) or had you previously permitted his father to be able to collect him?

If the school/people running the holiday club had been advised not to allow your son to be collected by his Dad, on Monday morning after a call to a family law specialist, I would be straight down to the school to ask some serious questions of those responsible for safeguarding your child.

Hope you get it sorted quickly. If you have a good relationship with your DS I suspect it won’t be long until he’s in touch and asking to be back home.

JoBrandsCleaner · 27/10/2024 01:34

Can you just pick him up from school next time he’s there?

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 01:38

gillefc82 · 27/10/2024 01:27

Are the school aware of the history and circumstances here @Gownsandteas? Had you told them not to allow son to leave with anyone not authorised (e.g. his Dad) or had you previously permitted his father to be able to collect him?

If the school/people running the holiday club had been advised not to allow your son to be collected by his Dad, on Monday morning after a call to a family law specialist, I would be straight down to the school to ask some serious questions of those responsible for safeguarding your child.

Hope you get it sorted quickly. If you have a good relationship with your DS I suspect it won’t be long until he’s in touch and asking to be back home.

Schools can't prevent people with PR from collecting kids unless they have a copy of a court order preventing it. Also this kid is 14, he's not being collected from school (unless he's got SEN that the OP hasn't mentioned)

gillefc82 · 27/10/2024 01:48

@TheSilkWorm hadn’t spotted the son’s age. Op had said his father had picked him up from the holiday club in her first post, hence my question. Thanks for clarifying re PR in this scenario.

Glitter0 · 27/10/2024 01:10

Are you good friends with any of your son’s friends parents? Could they arrange a playdate and then you could collect your son from their house?? Clutching at straws I know!

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/10/2024 01:11

BeCalmSloth · 27/10/2024 00:22

OP that is genuinely absolute nonsense

Show quote history

Some of its not tbf.

More men than women are successful in their family court applications, domestic abuse is often ignored and CAFCASS care more about father's rights than children's welfare.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2024 01:11

You say your ds was at holiday club on friday. Does that mean it was half term this week for you and that he should be in school tomorrow?

User100000000000 · 27/10/2024 01:18

Kitkat1523 · 26/10/2024 23:49

See a family law sepecilaist….it’s my understanding that’s it a legal requirement that you attempt mediation with your ex before you are allowed to file for court proceedings…..hope it works out

This does NOT apply in an emergency scenario like OP describes

OP - go to local court house and request an emergency custody reinstatement hearing. It will take place within 48hrs of your request so if you go Monday morning it should be by Wednesday. It will cost roughly £300 but he will not need to be present. The judge will create an order and this will instruct the police to act

User100000000000 · 27/10/2024 01:20

Kimmeridge · 27/10/2024 00:27

Someone advices I can apply for power of arrest to get our son back to me? Should I also apply for this

No you can't get a power of arrest. He might be a manipulative prick but he's not broken the law - as the police have already told you.

Have you managed to speak to your son yet? Do you know what are his thoughts & feelings. Its more complicated with children of his age because his feelings will very much be taken into account.

INCORRECT! The power of arrest is given by a court AFTER an emergency hearing. Please read my previous post

User100000000000 · 27/10/2024 01:22

@Edingril Please don't give incorrect legal advice. An emergency reinstatement hearing whereby the judge orders (given the father's actions) that custody is to be reinstated to the resident parent (mother) pending a subsequent hearing for final arrangements. This gives the police power of arrest, regardless of PR. This is a further order.

valentinka31 · 27/10/2024 01:26

Call women's aid, refuge, or your local domesic abuse charity. They will help you with everything and get your son back home to you xxx

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:06

Gownsandteas · 26/10/2024 23:29

Hello everyone,

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. On Friday, my son went to a holiday club at school. He took a while to come back home and I couldn't get through to him on the phone. I called the school receptionist who told me that DS left a while ago as his father picked him up and said he will return him. I immediately called DS's father who refused to pick up his phone- when he finally did. He answered and said that DS is staying with him and he will not return him to me. Since then, he has refused to let me speak with DS, has refuse to tell me when he will be bringing back DS. I went out with a friend tonight as my head was in a mess and when the father called me, he sounded angry that I went out with a friend and proclaimed that DS no longer wanted to go back home.

Before anyone asks, I have contacted the police who were very sympathetic but told me that there was nothing they can do (as he has PR), same thing with social services. I just don't know what to do from here on now.

What is PR? Why can’t the police and social services do anything?

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:09

JoBrandsCleaner · 27/10/2024 01:34

Can you just pick him up from school next time he’s there?

I was going to suggest this.

MissyB1 · 27/10/2024 02:11

Is he back at school Monday? And will his dad let him go to school do you think? If so go into school and fetch him home. Then see a solicitor and get a proper court order for access arrangements, I’m guessing you don’t have one?

Chickennuggetjules · 27/10/2024 02:45

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:06

What is PR? Why can’t the police and social services do anything?

Show quote history

Parental responsibility ie a legal right to his son.

Police and SS can’t do anything at the moment, as the man is legally the child’s father and has a right to child same as mum does. His name is on the birth cert and as there isn’t a court order saying he can’t have unsupervised access to his son, then there’s nothing really that the police can do right now.

best thing I agree with pp is to wait until the son is back at school and then ring in advance and ask to go in before the end of the day and speak to the son. Teachers should be understanding.

Gingerlingerlonger · 27/10/2024 02:55

Gownsandteas · 27/10/2024 00:14

The reason why he has done this is because I refused to enter into a relationship with him and told him that I wanted to be celibate.

Is nobody going to mention her ex demanded sex or he would take the child or the previous post about how he has threatened to kill her. Is this really just a custody dispute. If so, our system is fucking sick.

Sorry OP, wish I had some advice for you but it's not my area of knowledge. I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

Chickennuggetjules · 27/10/2024 03:04

Gingerlingerlonger · 27/10/2024 02:55

Is nobody going to mention her ex demanded sex or he would take the child or the previous post about how he has threatened to kill her. Is this really just a custody dispute. If so, our system is fucking sick.

Sorry OP, wish I had some advice for you but it's not my area of knowledge. I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

Show quote history

sadly I’m guessing OP hasn’t told the police about this/he was found not guilty, I know she said the guy had a criminal history with police but if she’d told them about his DV and he’d been convicted, likely he wouldn’t have unrestricted access to his son.

user1492757084 · 27/10/2024 03:07

How frightening!
Do you have a trace on your son's phone or a traceable tile in his shoe, school bag and head phones etc?

If you know exactly where he is, can you help Police fetch him to you.
Will his father remember to take son to school?
If so you could intervene once he is safely at school.

What is son like at communicating with his father and asking his father to take him home?
At 14 your son is old enough to have the courts listen to where he wants to spend time.

Chickennuggetjules · 27/10/2024 03:12

user1492757084 · 27/10/2024 03:07

How frightening!
Do you have a trace on your son's phone or a traceable tile in his shoe, school bag and head phones etc?

If you know exactly where he is, can you help Police fetch him to you.
Will his father remember to take son to school?
If so you could intervene once he is safely at school.

What is son like at communicating with his father and asking his father to take him home?
At 14 your son is old enough to have the courts listen to where he wants to spend time.

Police won’t do anything. Father has just as much right to the teenager as she does at the moment unfortunately.

KittenOnTheTable · 27/10/2024 03:29

Go in the middle of the day to his school tell them he has an appointment and take him home. Keep him off for a while until the dust settles.