Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

We've been together 12 yrs now and have no intention of marrying. Have you proposed to him/her? Just do it. They you will know.

I wouldn’t be bothered about a proposal but if I wanted marriage and DC then no I wouldn’t stay
How old are you?

You sound quite passive - but this is your life and your happiness at stake, so you shouldn't be! What do you want? Marriage this year, ttc next? Tell him what you want. Are you worried about what his response will he? If he doesn't want these things, you need to know now. 9 years is a long time.

Just propose?

Have a serious conversation with him about it or just propose yourself.

Why on earth haven't you proposed to him?

Have you said “I want to get married. Do you? Shall we book a date?”

You need to stop being passive and get what you want.

It's clear you want children.

You tell him you want to get married ASAP so you want to book the registry office and then start trying for a baby.

You need the truth out of him as to whether he's on board or not fast.

Do you want children?

Relying on men for these things is ridiculously risky. He can go off and have babies with someone else once your window of fertility has run down. He's not proposed in 9 years so clearly does not want to get married.

This.
You're an adult woman. Assert yourself.

He clearly doesn't see it as a priority, so either ask him to set a date; decide you can live without it; or break up.

I don't understand why women act as though they're powerless and just have to wait until a man decides it's time for him to ask. You don't need 'a proposal' at all if marriage is that important to you - just set a date. If he doesn't want to do that, that's an answer in itself. If you're hoping for him to do a romantic spontaneous proposal because that's how you envisioned it in your head, then he's already shown you that's not something he's in any rush to do, so either you need to let that go or break up with him if that's important to you.

But stop being passive. It's your life too: if you want to be married (to someone who is equally enthusiastic about being married to you) then you have options, but sitting around growing resentful isn't doing you any good.

As pp have said, you can propose to him. Just do it. Then you have your answer. If it's not a firm "yes" then you know to move on.

IMO you've wasted 9 years already waiting, don't waste a minute more. If you want children it gets harder and harder to conceive naturally as you age. There are plenty of women who leave it later to have children only to find out it's too late or they need invasive expensive IVF to do so.

Decide what you want. If it is marriage & children then ask him if you are sure he is the right person. If he says no, not yet, yes (but dawdles during the engagement) move on.

be mindful that he may be up for marriage but not a huge wedding (this can be a showstopper for some men).

Me and my husband were engaged for a long time and probably both felt it a bit overwhelming to plan a wedding. He always said he wanted kids. When I was also feeling time was starting to go against us I just pointed out to him that it was now or never, and we would miss the boat. I can't remember if I ever inferred that the alternative was to split, but I think the thought of never having his own family was a big driver for my DH. We therefore set a date and made it happen. Now we have a family of our own too and are enjoying this next stage of life.

I think you will just have to have it out, tell him what you want, and if he can't or won't offer that to you then you need to act accordingly.

This is bananas op. Of course I wouldn't stay with a man who had refused to marry me for NINE years!!!
His answers are 'golden'?? Bollocks. His words mean nothing and his actions prove he has no intention of marrying you.
If you want to be generous give him one more chance. Tell him you need to know if you will be getting married (next year no later) so you can plan your life. If he doesn't say yes within a couple of days, take that as him saying no and separate.
You need a date booked and everyone told by Christmas.

I'd make plans to leave and find someone more suitable.

Sure, you could propose yourself, but that doesn’t actually solve the problem. The right man will have wanted to marry you and proposed already.

The two of you will have discussed marriage and children like adults. You could have just decided to set a date, but he probably said something about wanting to propose and do it right someday. So you wait and wait and wait.

Pushing the issue may result in marriage, but that doesn’t mean the marriage will last. Really ask yourself what might be holding him back. Is he really the right person for you or is there a disconnect in your pairing. It very well may make more sense to just move on

I think discuss booking a date, rather than waiting for a proposal, that will hopefully prompt him to buy you a ring or shop for one together along with your wedding rings!
Any hesitation from him then unfortunately you know he isn't the one, only give it one more chance.
Use this time to explain why it's important for you, he's probably thinking as you already live together like a married couple then what would change or maybe it's the pressure of a big expensive wedding, discuss it as you have to be on the same wave length.

Tell him that you’re ready to set a date and book somewhere for next year. Explain that you don’t want a large marathon wedding, something small would be just as good.

Stop being passive. Thats what it boils down to.

Stop waiting for a surprise proposal. Before you just up and leave over it have a serious conversation. Ask him do you want marriage and children anytime soon? Then depending on his answer either start planning a wedding or start planning a new life if you can’t stay without marriage

It depends what you want the future to look like, specifically re. children/having them.

My husband and I both earned similarly, had already bought our house together, if we hadn’t wanted children I wouldn’t have been really bothered about marriage.

BUT I would absolutely not even think about having a child with someone I wasn’t married to, not enough protection.

.

I like to think I’d tell him I want to get married and want to pin down a date. That way I’d have my answer.

Realistically though, most men who want to get married don’t tend to hang around unmarried for 9 years.

I don't know why some women allow this to be totally the man's decision.