He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Does he know you know about the necklace?

Yes he does, sorry, that was when he said ‘I never told her I loved her’

Op would take a bit more than 20k!
Cleaners bill would be huge. Wonder how attractive he will be with half his funds and his negligible looks to offer.

He said “I never told her I loved her”

Sorry OP, but I notice he is not saying "but I never loved her"

I couldn't tolerate the affair but if I managed to suck that up, the 20k necklace would just end it for me. What does he think he is? A man with a mistress in a cheap novel giving diamond necklaces. Hero of his own affair drama?

Don't you have the ick on top of all your other troubles, OP? I couldn't look at him across the table without thinking "what a stupid arse you are - yuck"

Does he control the finances (and visuals Of the finances) to such an extent that you never even knew he spent twenty fucking thousand pounds on a necklace.

op hang onto this anger.

He has his own account. I demanded to see everything when I found out but I hadn’t seen credit card statements until now. So it’s like finding out all over again. The ‘just sex ‘ thing doesn’t really stack up.

You must be very affluent if he thought 20 grand might not get noticed. So what sort of financial position are you going to be in if you divorce? Are you both earning or just him? Obviously ideally you need to get rid of him as this is unforgivable but you need to make sure you don’t suffer financially. You may need to start feathering your own nest out of the joint pot that he’s so easily dipped into for the OW.

He was being billy big bollocks. What a twat.

That is unforgivable. I hope you have got good friends to lean on, for me that would be the end of the marriage.

oh wow op, I want to give you a big hug. What a betrayal. It’s worse that you had to find it yourself as well 😞

I'm sure you’re very financially literate but to put in perspective: that amount of money invested for a child now, over the next thirty years would give them a pension fund. He robbed your children. I’m speechless. Get at least 10K back and I wouldn’t hide from the children why you split if you do. He betrayed them too.

I see two major problems with this man as a partner;

1. He's a cheater

1. He is mental enough, while cheating, to give gifts that are beyond extravagant, that are - as posters have pointed out - a decent house deposit in many parts of the UK, a decent family car, a luxury family holiday, a sizeable chunk towards kids funds etc.

There is a disproportionate, child like, extreme, extravagant, over the top etc. crazyness/impulsiveness/lack of sense there ....that is as troublesome as the lack of integrity that led to the cheating.

Lots of men have affairs, few men give their affair partners gifts worth tens of thousands of pounds - when that is not a small amount of money in thrud household. That says as much about his character issues as the cheating. Like, what planet is he on? Most proof would not follow through on such a crazy idea, if they eden had it in the first place. There's something not right there mentally. I would be very thoughtful indeed about whether you want to.continue to hitch your wagon - and credit record - to someone like this.

Oh I hate this. What an utter, unconscionable bastard.
I feel just awful saying this to you but he’s still lying to you. I’d put good money on him having very strong feelings indeed for this woman, hence the expensive gifts etc, and her simply not wanting him in the same way… so he stuck with you. And that’s awful, and unfair and so much less than you deserve.

Your never going ti be able to get this one out of your head are you OP, its too much damage to repair in terms of how this will always crop up in your mind every anniversary,ever birthday, every Christmas when your gifted something- this will always be there in your mind that you weren't worth the same as her. Brutally put. This will in turn slowly or quickly chip away at your self esteem even more than the rest of the affair has. You can't live like this OP you deserve more. The children deserve to see a mum who is loved by her partner even if that's not their dad. Your done OP - don't let this just delay the inevitable , do it now when you got the resolve , do not waste a few years then realise you've wasted a few years! Get your ducks in a row.

Sorry...I meant to say it sounds like he expects brownie points for his integrity, thinking himself quite noble to claim he never told her he loved her.
He spent 20 grand on a fucking necklace for her so obviously he was besotted.
Empty words.

This is the thing. I appreciate it sounds like a crazy amount of money (it is) but not so crazy in context that it was conpletely reckless. It’s… very generous but within his means.
if it was totally mental I would say yes he totally lost his mind. The thing that hurts is he has never spent that much on a gift for me and never bought me jewellery except my engagement ring which never cost anywhere near that much. I am blindsided.

I woukd be looking to buy a red MX5 tomorrow. Budget £20k. Your DC would love it and every tine you drive it sing 'fuck you' by Lily Allen.
I bought a old gold jag once to pick my daughter up from school. She had been bullied. She laughed her socks off.

My friends banker husband bought her a £50k ring after an affair, she sold it. They did divorce, no DC though.
Your shiny car sitting there would mean it says, ha every day.
There was a famous divorcee in The Cotswolds with the number plate Bitch!

I'd be bloody fuming.

I’d text her and tell her that a 20k necklace had gone missing from my collection and can she shed any light on it before I ring the police.

But I’m childish like that.

I am really sorry OP; the deceit, lies and the mega expensive diamond ring. As much as I usually advocate trying to make it work, I think the betrayal will destroy you. It would be near impossible to trust him again and that will destroy you. Take care

Ha. I would do, save for the fact he bought it with her there.
he chose it though and it was stupid and he wasnt thinking. Apparently.

Can you afford that as a family?

I can’t say we budgeted for extravagant gifts for his mistress, but it hadn’t bankrupted us, no

Oh yes I imagine so. Just as well it stopped before he bought her a fucking castle.

At least you haven’t lost your sense of humour OP, you sound brilliant what a twat your husband is.

It makes the betrayal worse knowing he spent a small fortune on her.

He probably didn't get around to telling her he loved her. And it probably was just sex because she wouldn't give more. He was chasing her. He's been busted, so he's probably angry and licking his wounds and staying at home because he's cross and pissed off and feeling sorry for himself. So utterly, completely predictable. Nothing about you in all this: never spent that much on you, never thought that romantically about you, he just responded to someone showing a sexual interest in him and it went to his head. Fucker. Doesn't want to lose the kids so not separating.

I'd be showing him the fucking door and making it clear to everyone that HE is the one who broke up the family by sleeping around, not you for not forgiving him and trying to maintain some self-respect.

Do you think he bought it to keep her loyal / quiet perhaps?

Wow... thats so ridiculous its out of a Richard Curtis script!.

Yes you should be fucking livid. He was living a fantasy with someone else about who he was. You were under the impression your were living your lives together.

There is no-one who vagina is soooo incredible it would hypnotise a man into spending a thousands on diamonds.

I hope you have your own money. If you won't buy yourself the MX5 buy something very expensive. I would be shopping?, 😁