He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Honestly does it really make you feel better to think it wasn’t love? Like he was prepared to risk his marriage and family over nothing?

Somehow that seems even worse to me.

The necklace is very romantic and personal, how hurtful, I’m sorry.

£20,000 fxuking G'$. He must have been well sucked into this fantasy. That's beyond the realms of normal behaviour. Maybe she was a gold digger, urging him to $PEND $PEND $PEND or he's just really thick. Not sure this could or should be reconciled.

I'm sorry op but I don't think he is staying for you or the children.
I think he's staying for financial reasons and will leave when it will cost him less to go

It’s… very generous but within his means.

But did he not use a credit card to buy it (or did I pick that up wrong)?

If you have to put something in a credit card, I wouldn't actually consider it within your means.

Obviously some large/important things are not within many people's means or easy to buy at once and they use credit cards - cars, holidays etc.

But this is not a "necessary" large ticket item like that.
It's pure extravagance.

So if you have to put it on credit, it's not really within your means imho.

I couldn't get past it. I know that.

He can't be bothered to leave.
I was the OW (not yours!!). He told me he'd leave. They had the 'our relationship is shit we need to break' chat'

And then... He didn't. Cos he 'wanted to stay for the child'. Still adamant he doesn't love his wife

I'm.embartassrd I ever got embroiled in it. I take full accountability. But I'm pretty certain yours said the same to his bit on the side. I'm sorry.

More because I’m less likely to see credit card statements and it gets paid off automatically from his sole account.

Some people use credit cards similarly to debit cards. You just pay it off.

@Spikyseason my heart goes out to you, because I know you are devastated as well as furious. Because it’s not about the money itself , it’s that such a large sum shows that he was indeed very seriously involved with her . No one spends £20,000 on a casual fling.

Id assume that if he admits to one year, it went on much longer.

It’s just lie lies and more lies, on top of the lies. Presumably with a bit of gaslighting thrown in.

Has he told you yet that you are “ over reacting “ or being dramatic? Or that he would have told you before now but didn’t because he knew you would “ take it like this “?

And as for “ I never told her I loved her “, he’s completely deluded to think that makes it Ok or some sort of mitigating factor. In fact it’s almost an aggravating factor - it’s not that he lost his mind in some way and didn’t know what he was doing . But that he calculated what types of infidelity would technically be the least bad ( in his own warped mind ) and then did them.

When I found out that my husband (now thankfully ex husband ) had an affair with a MALE colleague, he told me that I couldn’t divorce him for adultery as it was only “ unreasonable behaviour “ 🙄 ( because I’m a woman, despite my user name and I thought he was a straight man and we were in a monogamous relationship ). He seemed to think this made it less bad than shagging a female colleague .

I don’t know how your reconciliation is going to work when he’s still lying to you and taking no accountability for what he’s done.

Im so sorry.

Pearl-clutching about fantasies of punching him! 🙄 Feeling an impulse to punch him in the face is mild. I think I'd want to do much worse to him, personally. I wouldn't, of course, because he's not worth ruining your life over, but the desire to see him suffer would be very strong.

This is a definite LTB situation, and squeeze him for everything he's worth.

Honestly OP, that's disgusting. Imagine what 20k could do for your DC. Fucker. Leave him and make sure you get that money back. It's yours too. He owes you £10k.

Honestly does it really make you feel better to think it wasn’t love? Like he was prepared to risk his marriage and family over nothing?

This too.

The argument of a cheater "but it didn't mean anything, I didn't love her" ..... The correct response "so you were prepared to thruw away our marriage and family for nothing/someone you didn't love; because there was always the chance you'd get caught and there was always the chance I'd not stay with you ....I'd be totally and utterly justified in not staying with you".

(Oh and if someone thinks you'll stay in spite of betrayal, infidelity, adultery etc. - and that's why they feel free to.cheat ..... You're on a hiding to nothing).

I would demand him to transfer £20K to your account - tell him it’s just the even things up. Then get your ducks in a row while you decide whatever to do. Also, don’t feel that you are breaking the family up. he has already done that.

I pay for everything on my credit card, for ease and for the points. It's paid off by direct debit every month. I can afford what I put on there.

But it's still not within your means if you need to use credit .

Not for non necessary items.

I couldn't stay with him, tbh he was shagging her for a year and spent 20k on jewellry ! That is eye watering. If you hadn't seen the message he'd have still been seeing her...and as for saying he didn't love her, he's not going to admit to that is he ! He's a piece of shit op, do you went to spend the rest of your days with this man? Do you think you'll be trusting or truly happy with him ever again?

OP I am so sorry this happened. That is way too much money. I hope you have good friends and family support. You are worth way more then 20 thousand .

I don't think a derail in how people use credit is beneficial here

If you need to put unnecessary, luxury purchases for eg accessories on credit ....they're not really within your means.

Or you’re trying to hide purchases bestowed upon your mistress from your wife. There is that.

Yes it is. It just makes it easier. I have say, £500k, in an account and want to spend £20k on a necklace. I put it on the credit card then pay the credit card bill from the account. It's credit while the balance is outstanding, but it's within my means.

He could have also wanted the credit card points that he would accrue on that large of an amount. Whatever it is. Miles. Cash back, etc.

If you have the money in the account and just go one extra step, through the credit card, you can certainly afford it. That's how I always shop. We never carry debt on the card. (But all this is beside the point.)

It is if you immediately pay it off.

Oh give over, not everyone is living in penury.

Regardless however, most (wealthy) people would pause for that sort of gift. It’s a big big birthday kind of amount for most and clearly not your usual budget. I expect he’s more ‘sensible’ when buying for you OP and that also hurts.

As she was there, there would have been some grandstanding.