He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

What’s your bottom line, OP? Does it just not matter how bad it gets because you’ll stay with him anyway? It’s like the parable
of the drowning man. The universe is trying to send you a life raft but you won’t get on.

It sounds like neither of you were really having your needs met, and there was an emotional distance. Combine these feelings with opportunity, and affairs can definitely happen.

You probably need to see whether he intends to put his family first going forward.

You need him to better communicate with you, and you might be sensing this is a barrier at the moment, as you’ve mentioned a few times that he’s really not responding to you in the way you need him to.

You’ll need to see him set work boundaries.

You’ll need him to make an effort to spend quality time with you and the family.

He needs to appreciate you.

Has he been making these efforts? Do you feel appreciated again? Will he be able to sustain any changes made? Do you even want him to make these changes now?

Perhaps just some things to think about?

he worked a lot and I rarely saw him ... even on holiday he was quite absent ... Sex life ... slacked off ... emotionally he wasn’t very present.

From your earlier replies, he was irritated by the children when young and hired help on holiday. Your illness annoyed him.

Is it possible that his affair has simply thrown the reality of your marriage into high relief? Against all evidence - which you can't have ignored, really - you pretended to yourself that you were in a more loving, more 'together' relationship. Now this has forced you to see what you were doggedly refusing to see?

That would be psychologically shocking, and would go a long way to explain your seeming kind of stuck. Psychologists call this incongruence. With a small apology for the repetition, the sanest way to resolve it is with a therapist

I think that he actually displayed a rare moment of insight into reality by saying "She wouldn't want to be with me going forward'; by which he means, when the 20k diamond necklaces are no longer forthcoming...

@Spikyseason, this has hit 40 pages, so you may want to consider starting another thread for continued support.

Thank you - yes I considered it but worried I’ve talked about it to death. I’ve had some people PM me which is really nice. Really grateful for the support on here x

You haven’t talked it to death! There is still a long way to go lol! If we don’t hear from you I am sure you will be fine @Spikyseason . You are down at the moment up your are not out of the game. You will feel better once you are more in control x

I’m another who thinks you haven’t talked this to death. You’ve received some outstanding advice and support which could continue to benefit you if you start another thread.

Maybe he’s waiting it out until you end it for good and then he doesn’t end up looking like the bad guy. My dad was a serial cheater on my mum who always took him back, until one day she left him and suddenly the narrative changed. Plus a guy will never leave unless he has someone else lined up (they can’t function alone) so if the OW has ditched him too then that’s another reason why he wants to stay.

As a divorcee, please take my advice and ditch him. Life is so much better without them! And it’s amazing what a new wardrobe and hairdo can do for the soul xx

No, you haven’t done it to death at all, @Spikyseason.

Many posters write multiple threads and are greatly benefited by the continued exchange of thoughts and opinions. Every time you post we get a fuller picture of your H and the dynamic between you, which helps us to further advise and support you. Speaking for myself, I have several more thoughts to add since reading your updates, but haven’t had the chance to compose them.

If you don’t start a new thread, I send you my best wishes!

@Spikyseason my experience is you never get over an affair. I stayed because my DC were at university and was worried a divorce would derail that, especially for my daughter. I was permanently angry and hurt. This went on for years until my husband died. Please don't be like me. Your children are young and will adapt. A £20.000 gift is a token of love. I wish you well love.

I am another who doesn’t think you have talked this to death either, OP. I hope it is somewhat helping you too in one way or another.

I wish wish wish you could see what I see. The way you have described him, I see a selfish, workaholic, cheating loser of a man who seems to believe because he provides for you, you should tolerate him and his infidelity. From your posts, I see a very understanding wife who is intelligent, puts her children first, is funny, articulate and kind. You’re undeniably strong, not only from being forgiving of your DH but also from what you’ve said about your childhood. I know what ever you do, you will be okay. But I know you are worth more than what he makes you believe you are. I know you’re too good for him, and that you deserve better. I hope that one day you can see that, however, I feel he may chip away at you sadly. I think you’re amazing OP. Whatever you decide to do I truly wish you the best x x x

I hope you can see that the majority of people on this thread have been trying to support you and offer intelligent and constructive advice. Yes there are always going to be some just using that awful term “get rid”. But most people have been supportive and understanding of your sheer confusion and we have understood as you have posted more about your perceived anxiety of coping on your own.

If you do want to start another thread there will be many willing you on in trying to help you untangle your fears and feelings. If you don’t want to I wish you well in trying to navigate your path through this difficult situation.

In the gentlest possible sense OP, but are you finding it difficult to take up space for your own needs? I mean in real life, as well as on here.

There is absolutely interest and support for you on here, whether you decide to stay or leave your DH. Either decision will be difficult and there’s a whole community here who will provide support in whatever way you need.

I think as women sometimes we struggle to occupy a space that’s just about us. We demur, minimise, and change the subject because we’ve absorbed the message that it’s “rude” or “selfish” to talk about our own needs. But it’s not. Please don’t feel as if you can’t start another thread if it would be useful - lots of us would love to support you along your journey, whatever that might look like.

It feels to me as if you’ve lost touch with yourself slightly, and been buried by children (lovely though I’m sure they are), your DH’s “big job”, and the burden of everyday life. It is scary being alone again - but is it scarier than spending your life on someone you don’t really love, and who doesn’t love you? When the DC are grown and it’s just you and him, will you enjoy the time you spend together? Or will you find that it was only dependent DC binding you?

Honestly, no judgement from me - only you know what’s right. And you certainly shouldn’t feel goaded to leave him. But you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be loved for the wonderful woman that you clearly are. You’re so much better than a consolation prize.

We are here if you want to carry on talking 💐

I am so sorry you are going through this.

your quote " he is ultimately a coward, ... the fear would be enough".. you know him, true. But, the fear will fade and the temptation, be it ego, sex, boredom or whatever the reasons are then or in the future, will come. He was a weak man then, he will be the same in the future.

Being a coward will not stop a man from sleeping with another woman, they are not thinking with their brains when do they do.

I am so sorry, I have been where you are, I stayed, it made no difference to the eventual outcome. He is an ex and I wonder at the pain I could have saved myself and my children if I had the guts to end it straight away.

Take care, you are an amazing woman.

@Spikyseason I wonder if you are thinking of it something like this.

“ He’s needs to choose between her and me and he says he’s chosen me. But why would he do that because he must really love her? And the proof that he must really love her is not just that he spent so much money on jewellery for her but that he was willing to risk everything - his marriage and his children - for her.”

“ And if he really loved and loves me as he says he does, why would he ever dream of getting involved in her in the first place. So that proves she must have something I don’t and he chose her for all these qualities.”

“ So why has he now changed his mind and realised that it was “ all a mistake“ and he “ didn’t know what he was doing or what he was thinking “? Why has he now suddenly “ come to his senses “ and understood what what he did was wrong? “

But that’s not what’s happening . He is NOT choosing between you and her. He’s choosing himself and what he wants - which is to preserve the status quo. He wants everything to go back to the way it was - for you to start functioning correctly and doing your job properly you used to do. So that he can get back to his old life - which is having both you AND a mistress . Whether it’s it’s the old one or a shiny new one.

So it’s not about her versus you at all. It’s about what’s easy for him ( not rocking the boat ) or what’s very difficult , stressful and a great deal of hassle for him (separation and divorce ).

He’s not choosing between you, he plans to keep both of you. Or you and her replacement. So he’s saying and doing whatever it takes to shut you up and get you to stay. The quicker you do that the quicker he can get back to his old life.

So that’s why he’s deeply irritated that you’ve found this information about the jewellery. It’s set back his plans by 5 months . He’s saying the words “ I’m sorry” but it doesn’t feel real to you because it’s NOT real. It’s not real remorse, it’s fake remorse.

He doesn’t understand your devastation, he is annoyed that you are not over this already and you are still banging on about the past when he wants to move forward. All that stuff about “ low self esteem, thrill seeking “ etc is nonsense - it’s what he’s read on Reddit about “ good excuses for cheating “. It’s part of The Script.

He doesn’t feel sorry because he’s NOT sorry he did it, only that he got caught. He doesn’t think he’s REALLY done anything wrong , expect in the minor way that someone might an admit that fiddling their tax return or doing 35 mph in a build up area is wrong. Yeah technically it is but everyone does it and it’s not hurting anyone. It’s a victimless crime, because when you didn’t know about it, there was no problem . He was happy and you were happy, it was a win win.

Any minute now he will be telling you he feels hurt that you are not giving his credit for “ doing the right thing “ and making the morally right decision to stay with you and the children. That you should be grateful to him really, as lots of other men would have left but he’s such an honourable man he’s putting his kids first

@AndyMcFlurry very well said.

This is very well said and probably entirely true. I do wonder if he has some kind of mental trigger where it will be enough for him - when the kids get to a certain age, if his friends or family start getting divorced. I’m worried about the menopause and if I go off sex. Basically any extra stressor or if it becomes more ‘acceptable’ to him in his mind. Of course he denies all of this and tries to reassure me… but really I have no idea.

OP there are 40 pages on this & 4 pages alone on your replies - I am impressed by your commitment in trying to get clarity here. But I think you are trying to, quite understandably, rationalise your husband’s behaviour so that you can make sense of it when the reality is that people don’t behave rationally when they fall in love. As many others have said, and I haven’t read everything, this is more than him having his head turned or just wanderlust & for that I am so truly sorry.

No one wants to be rejected, we all want to be loved, it’s human instinct & after 20 years you are quite rightly thinking - well, fuck me, is that it? But you can’t force someone to love you, and you can’t make him change how he feels. All you can control is what you do & how you feel.

So you need to stop trying to second guess his feelings, based on what you know about him because everything about him is different now, and think about what you want. He may say he’ll never leave his children, well, he may not have a choice in that now. He’s broken the contract. Take some of the power back & you will start to feel better I think.

I don’t agree that the husband is waiting for things to go back to the status quo, where he can take back up with this or another ow.

I don’t believe the necklace means he loved her.

I do believe physical and emotional distance in a relationship can open doors for one or both partners to stray. Because their needs are unfulfilled.

I do believe that the straying partner can realise that an affair isn’t what they want and they don’t want to lose their family.

I have no idea whether op’s husband falls into the above category of people, I don’t know him. Op won’t know either unless they communicate openly and honestly. Relationship counselling is an excellent idea to explore this.

Op reserves the right to explore what happened and her feelings towards her husband, until she’s ready to make her decision. Staying will be hard, but so will leaving. OP loses nothing by taking time to see how her husband responds over the coming weeks or months.

I believe people can change. A relative of mine had affairs. Until his wife found out. He caused his family a lot of pain. The wife forgave him and they stayed together, eventually the affair was forgotten by everyone around them.
He didn’t have any more affairs. His wife died earlier this year and he was broken. He misses her more than I think anyone could have imagined. He obviously loved her very much despite his indiscretions and they meant less to him than she would have though. Why did he have those affairs then? Ego, opportunity, her being busy with children, him busy with work, selfishness, sex. True love isn’t usually the reason for an affair and if it is, normally the man will leave for the affair partner.

Anyway, whether you start a new thread or not, whether you decide to stay with him or not, I’m really hoping things start to make sense for you and you can be happy again soon.

He will do this though. He has demonstrated so already plus, he will likely just go out and get another lover.

You are trying to understand him based on your own standards and you must not even try as you are a far superior being.

He will probably never demonstrate love or possibly have the love for you that he had for the OW. You have said yourself that he has never given you a romantic present - ever.

You need to try to detach and look at it all with a very cold eye rather than through the emotional lens you have currently OP.

Staying with this one dimensional turd will break your spirit down.

Great post.
OP, you sound so lovely but scared.
Take your time and fovus on getting yourself into a position of independence from him emotionally.
Get good legal advice.

I don't believe for a minute you relationship is going to last.
He has one foot out the door and will be gone the minute he deems the timing acceptable publicly.
Don't be caught out again, having wasted years further on him.
The timing isn't right for him to leave, thats all this is about.
Don't be used.
Get yourself organised so that he doesn't get the chance to implode your life again 5 years from now.
He will be cheating again, just maybe casually, but he will.
Please harden up and protect yourself.
Get aggressive legal advice that will help you plot the best path for YOU.

This sounds very transactional. All marriages go through ebbs and flows in terms of their sex life. It does seem to be that you are already worried about what you perceive to be inevitable. It doesn't have to be. My DH is a big fan of HRT (the testosterone element is the game-changer) but we do have a mutual respect about each other. He has had ED due to a heart condition. My first reaction was not to go and hump the first man interested in me. You need to put your own self-esteem first. As the child of parents who could not stand each other and never seemed to be kind to each other, I can honestly say that the atmosphere as a kid was unbearable. And did not teach me to seek out a partner where the relationship was equal - I learned that the hard way. You need to put yourself first here. The kids will be fine - they need to see their mother valued not endured - else they will also see your relationship with them transactional.

I do wish you all the best.

I agree with this.
Please think about it OP.

Putting all the info together about your relationship it’s clear it hasn’t been great for a long time. Many years in fact. And I’m pretty sure this OW isn’t the first.

I don’t think he as any respect for you. And he will have hardly any left after this situation, the pick me dance, believing his lies, wanting to hang on in there etc. I think for now he doesn’t think it’s the right time to leave. But I’m pretty sure he will leave one day. And you can bet he’ll have prepared really well in terms of hiding assets.

You’ve had good advice here OP from many other people who’ve been in your situation.

Honestly it’s time to stop trying to analyse him. He isn’t uniquely fascinating. He’s the same as all men who cheat on their wife, keep control of all the finances, and bide their time leaving until they think it’s the most beneficial to them.

💐

@Spikyseason you're almost overthinking this, it seems to me. You want a rational explanation for why he betrayed you. There is none. There'll never be an answer to your questions about him.

He did it because he could. And because he wanted to.

It's nothing to do with you, and there's nothing you can do to fix this, or solve his problem, or be a better wife, or the thousand and one things we think when someone behaves so badly towards us.

I suspect that all your thinking in trying to work out why he did what he did, is a smokescreen. It's allowing you not to have to think about kicking him out and living on your own.

You need to work out what you really want. Not the panicked you, but the you that is her own person. Do you want to be doing this in 20 years time?

My mother didn't kick my father out. It was before there was any sort of equality in pay, divorce settlements and so on, precious little social security net, and huge social disgrace and prejudice about divorced women.

My parents eventually divorced when I was in my 30s. It was a relief to finally stop feeling that my mother had sacrificed her happiness for her children. That is far too heavy a burden to place on your DC.