He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

What a shitbag. Is it changing your decision to take him back/keep him? Or is it still too raw?
Keep copies of everything, just in case it 'disappears' when you tell him you want a divorce. If he can afford £20k for her, he can afford a generous settlement for his wife & kids.

Wow. I can't get over £20k and I can't get over "put it on a credit card." That's one hefty credit card limit. And a lot of two factor authentication. I would find this very difficult to move past not least because of the eye watering amount of money.

Practically, he had money to.throw at her. I would want him to "prove" himself to me in your shoes 20k to you PLUS whatever price you put on this hurt.. if he hasn't got liquid funds to cover it, shares in properties above what you own jointly.

Then maybe, just maybe you'll work on it.

20 fucking grand.
I'd be shell shocked too

Sounds like he's clutching at technicalities to minimise this.

(And I think she must draw conclusions from being given a 20k piece of jewellery by him).
Others might draw conclusions too. That's a rather pricey gift for someone you don't love).

It sounds like you are getting caught up/he is catching you up on whether he "loved' her or not.
If he didn't love her, you stay.
If he did, he's out.

Imho it doesn't actually matter; someone cheating on you, especially with kids involved, can be a deal breaker; without them having to have loved their affair partner.

Yes, it's crazy.

Sorry to hear OP. Sounds awful. Do we know if she rejected him in the end so he came back to you? Sorry if that sounds harsh but 20k as a gift doesn’t sound like a quick shag.

I'd guess OP's own lifestyle is pretty different to most of us here. I don't know anyone who'd ever have occasion to wear a £20k necklace.

Which doesn't make it OK, at all, but does change the context.

I would find hard not to punch him in the face.

Glad I don't know you.

Take him to the cleaners OP.

F me 😳🙁
That would be a VERY BIG gift from my husband, very big.
On an affair partner? Fucking Nope.
From a practical point - you have this crap somewhere in a safe/vault and wear a fake, usually.
The situation is unforgivable.

£20k on a bloody necklace?! Wow!!! What an absolute fucker!
I'd divorce his sorry arse and take him for everything you can.

I don't know anyone who'd ever have occasion to wear a £20k necklace.

Or buy one, me.

I'd hate to live that lifestyle because it just makes you a victim to robbery and associated terror.

@Spikyseason
Personally in what i have seen - these sort of gifts scream insecurity. Its not some huge romantic gesture - but rather an older man trying to keep the younger, more attractive woman interested.

More than anything - this is a transaction, a payment forward. Pathetic, and a cliche.
Not sure it makes a difference to you.

But i don't think its about him loving her. If he did - he wouldn't be paying for her time with expensive gifts…

retrieve said necklace. What you decide to do with it is up to you.

Is second hand diamond jewellery like most second hand items, even luxury items; worth quite a bit less than its retail value.

That's a lot of money thrown down the drain, even if she were to return it, which I'd imagine she had no obligation to do.

Did you miss the husband title??

Trying to impress?
🤢

He isn’t so much older he would need to chuck that money around to interest her necessarily.

probably helped though.

My ex DH bought the OW a handbag. A nice one but nowhere near as eye-wateringly expensive as the jewellery your DH splashed out on. Finding the receipt broke my heart. It felt like such a personal gift when I'd only ever shopped for my own birthday present or got something practical for the house.
I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

* I would find hard not to punch him in the face.
Glad I don't know you.*

I'd consider that an extremely mild reaction.

20k is what it cost not what it is worth, the ninny dh got it at a jewellery store. Try reselling it back to the same store, they’ll offer you half.

Honestly though op, the dealbreaker is the physical affair. Emotional stuff is bad but it really is the shags that are unforgivable.

Of course she's 'out of his league', that's why he has bought such an extravagant present. He was trying to make out that he was wealthier/more generous/more attractive than he actually is. I'm not surprised you are angry and hurt, all over again. I don't know how you get past this.

Exactly this. Not the amount per se, more how much in comparison to what was spent and bought for me. It’s so personal.

How noble of him. 😏

Imo you take that amount for yourself.. Spend it on setting up your new life...

I know don’t even know what that means tbh.

I’d insist on a gift of £20k then squirrel it away and divorce him.