He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

At least in that situation they had an honest conversation about it. If things were upfront I could even get my head around that. It’s the pretending I can’t understand, if that’s what this is.

@Gloriia I have a small business I can do from home but it’s a bit of a ‘hobby’ job to be honest. I don’t really make any money from it. DH and the OW are in an industry I originally trained in and then it didn’t really work out for me. So yet another way I feel inadequate and another slap in the face.

I still don’t really understand this because surely if you want to be with someone that much you would leave. Is it social image? Can’t cope with young kids on his own?

Him wanting to be with her in a relationship isn't really up to him alone, she may not be interested in all the baggage that comes with him and just wants the fun parts with no chance of commitment. It's the reason relationships with mistresses don't always work out, they have only been seeing the best of each other during the affair.. it is worlds apart from what a real committed relationship would look like between them and it may be that the OW isn't interested in that.

I'm sorry OP, I know that's not very nice to say, you may be seeing it as a glimmer of hope that he must want to be with you above her, but it could just be that he hasn't got the balls to leave you for her, him lavishing her with expensive gifts is quite telling IMO.

How do you mean? Don’t worry I’m not offended. There’s probably nothing that hasn’t already gone through my head. I did wonder if maybe he was worried she would lose interest in him. Too much of a risk…. 😕

Probably some of that involved but mainly he's afraid you'll take him to the cleaners. He would lose a lot financially, along with a comfortable home life, the respectable facade of marriage and just all the general grief that would come with a divorce. Men are cowards and very, very few actually leave their wives for their mistress when push comes to shove.

I meant to add, he's not staying for you and the kids - he's staying for him.

Well, he was getting what he needed from the relationship, namely sex, intimacy and an emotional connection with no strings attached, but bear in mind while this is going on the daily grind and all the home life stress was being taken care of by you, he was free to go out and live the high life with her, but that's not how a real relationship is and it's not a good foundation for a real relationship because it's just not true to life or sustainable in the long run.

And she was obviously getting something out of it too, and then, when they weren't actually together was able to leave it all behind and not have to do any of the (in her mind) "boring bits", like spend time with his family, deal with who does or doesn't do chores etc, try and navigate any sort of relationship with any other parts of his life like his children, his ex... Him buying her extremely expensive gifts, when it is obviously out of character for him, speaks volumes to me in that it seems to have been something he felt the need to do, is it something he felt he had to do to keep her interested for instance?

My point is, having an affair is nothing like having a relationship in real life, you are free to leave your 'real life' behind for a while, and escape in a fantasy, truth is she may not want him in real life at all, so he has no choice but to stay.

A lot of men will only leave if they have a new partner lined up, because they are too cowardly (or cheap) to break out on their own, if the OW isn't interested in the day to day drudgery then he will stay where he is as long as he can get away with it for.

Gosh, 20k is a lot, even if you can easily afford it. I mean, frankly, if you went to a really plush resort for a week or two somewhere with lots of good childcare/activities, you could also squeeze a decent amount of quality time and sex in, have a nice time and still have some cash to spare! I know you say you have nice holidays, but that's a pretty fabulous amount extra to spend on travel, babysitting or couple time that could have enhanced your lives together.

Instead, he has spent it indulging a fantasy with his mistress - I think he probably knows that his attraction to the other woman is as a high earning senior who is also (supposedly) a devoted family man with a sex life that needs spark (not what is necessarily true, but this is the fantasy that they are living out together), whereas the bloke on the other side of the divorce would be the guy with the complicated childcare arrangements, bitter about his wife having taken some of "his" money. You can bet it's not the fantasy of a women in her late twenties or early thirties!

As to what you want to do, I think it all depends. I don't think I could bear to live with a man who says "it's all out there, I made a mistake, now we have to move on as it is in the past", without wanting to do the work in building something with me that involves a meaningful shared connection. But I can understand that others might want to stay in a relationship that offered successful coparenting even without shared romantic or sexual feelings for one another.

You seem to be struggling to get your head around what the deal is, @Spikyseason - yet he's laid it out pretty clearly.

The idea that marriages are bound by romantic love is simplistic. It's unlikely that even half of them are. You may have believed yours was, despite evidence to the contrary; you may feel bound by it. Your husband isn't.

He's offering a good-enough marriage and family life: one where you're friendly to one another, don't interfere in each other's out of home activities, you turn up to various events together and probably have good-enough sex once a week or a fortnight. A marriage where you love each other for the roles you take in your home life. There is little depth in this kind of marriage, and it's fairly normal.

He is not dependent on you; this is a serious imbalance. You're a convenient, functional, tolerable provider of services. I think it's a great idea to do another degree or training course, if only to add a fresh dimension to yourself. Should that lead to an increase in confidence and a sense of broadening horizons, so much the better.

You're tormenting yourself over whether he feels/felt romantic love for his OW. Perhaps he did, but it wasn't strong enough to pull him away from the family life. Perhaps they'll resume their affair after a decent break; perhaps he'll start a new affair or a string of them. Perhaps, in a little while, you will. None of this would be terribly unusual.

Marriages like this often break up after the youngest child leaves home, the fundamental 'purpose' having been fulfilled. It's usually a bit more tricky for a woman to go solo in her mid-sixties than for a man - that's one of the main reasons for women seeking divorce in their forties. Of course, some women really blossom in later life, especially if they've been investing in their interests and social networks. And quite a few couples succeed in living 'separately together' for the rest of their lives - though, old age being unpredictable, it helps if they've plenty of money.

Whether or not you've been able to have honest conversations with H about the shape of your marriage going forward (if it does), I'm sure it would help you to work though your feelings and options with a counsellor.

I’m wondering what industry your DH works in, OP.

I worked in an industry many moons ago where it was common for the men to all have lovely wives and expensive mistresses on the side. It would have been unthinkable for any of them to leave their wives for their mistresses. That was unheard of, I can’t think of a single time I heard of that happening.

There was an annual conference/industry event in SA. Everyone went from all over the world. It was a 2 week thing. It was common knowledge and accepted practice that first week was mistress week and second week was wives week. The PA’s would be very careful organising flights so there was no cross-over at the airport.

OP, he isn’t leaving you because he doesn’t want to. He wants a wife and he probably does love you in his own way. He also wants a bit on the side. To some men, these things are not mutually exclusive. The men I worked with who had these mistresses would absolutely say that they loved their wives. They would also say that I couldn’t understand it because I’m a woman.

@Spikyseason

Theres not a single person on Mumsnet who can tell you how your husband feels or why he had this affair.

You sound as though you love your husband and have been deeply hurt by his actions. You are trying to understand what happened. How he could do this to you. When a person does something so destructive to their family, of course it’s impossible to understand. I’m not even sure any answer would suffice.

He will have to at some point try to answer those questions, but first, ask him how he feels about you, and without mentioning the children ‘how do you feel about me?’. Then listen and hear what he says. Don’t prompt with reminders of what he did, or tell him that you can’t have meant that much etc, but let him explain his feelings towards you - you need to know and you’ll only know if you leave the question open for him to answer.

I believe if you want to try and salvage your relationship, you have the right to. It’s not for people here to say you should just leave, ultimately there’s plenty of time to make that decision. And staying to salvage a relationship doesn’t mean you have to just forgive and forget either.

I personally don’t equate financial value with love. I equate ostentatious gifts with showing off. I adore my husband, love him more than anything and it’s the little things I buy that show him how much he’s loved, hearing that he needed more comfortable flip flops, noticing that he’s run out of razor blades, or picking up his favourite ice cream for him. I could go and buy him a £5000 watch if I wanted to. But I don’t, because I don’t need to impress him. Your husband may have been trying to impress, but I wouldn’t attribute anymore meaning to the jewellery yet. Especially if that jewellery was affordable to him.

I genuinely wish you all the best whatever you eventually decide to do, but Mumsnet has a habit of getting into our heads and sending us back to those square one feelings, so please keep at the heart of this, what you want to do.

After the discovery when he was trying to make out it was a self esteem issue / fantasy thing, he did say she probably wouldn’t be interested in him anyway if it came to it, like that was supposed to make me feel better or give me some reassurance or maybe he just wasn’t thinking, I don’t know.

she wasn’t ‘equal’ to him career wise, but I guess maybe the ambition / looks combo was more ‘exciting’ than the live in maid at home! I’m sure it would have played to his ego given it was someone he probably would have assumed wouldn’t be interested.

and yes maybe we could have a ‘good enough’ marriage. Maybe he won’t risk the fall out of this happening again (given it was so traumatic for him. Yes, he did actually say that later down the line…) and as he is ultimately a coward, I reckon the fear would maybe be enough. I am not sure if I want someone staying with me out of fear and obligation though, and I’m well aware I’m probably also doing that to a degree myself.

It’ll take time to work out what you want to do. You don’t have to make rush decisions and you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave, particularly if this relationship isn’t going to make you happy anymore. You don’t owe him anything.

If you do want to see what happens that’s ok too, and you can do so as cautiously as you like.

With regards to him saying that she wouldn’t want to be with him going forward…men are stupid sometimes. He possibly meant that you haven’t got to worry about the relationship sparking back up. My friends husband said something similar to her in the past. He used to put his foot in his mouth at every turn. You need to really just concentrate on his feelings for you, rather than his feelings for her. As understanding why he’s with you now will help you move forward and decide what you want to do.

Ask him questions like ‘how are you feeling about me?’ and ‘what do you think will improve our relationship now?’. Not to give him control, but to gauge what he’s thinking, when excluding the ow and the children from the conversation.

And remember, you’re going to be up and down for a little while, so be kind to yourself and put yourself first. If you need to take a break from him, take it.

Have you a good friend you can confide in, op?

It would help you maybe, to see if your friend is surprised at what he's done, or if she was already thinking he is a creepy cheat.

Is he a coward though? He took the risk of an affair, gave you his credit card statements which revealed the purchase knowing you’d discover it yet he didn’t fret and volunteer the information. He’s a risk taker OP.
Ignore what he says. Take control as atm you have the upper hand. Plan what you want and ensure it comes into effect. He’ll have to fit in with whatever you decide.
“he did say she probably wouldn’t be interested in him anyway if it came to it” applies also to you and he needs to know this.

You’re never going to get what you want.

Everybody is telling you the same thing, in slightly different ways, but you are coming back with more ‘but why’s because this isn’t what you want to hear. You want to hear someone (everyone) say that it doesn’t matter, clearly you’re his true love and if you just do X, Y, Z you’ll get your happily ever after.

Someone who wants to be with you, cherishes you and adores you does not have a year long affair.

The necklace is an absolute red herring and one you have to get over one way or another because there is NO solution to it other than putting it behind you whatever else you decide.

He won’t be able to answer why he bought it, and even if he was being completely honest and he bought it because he was in love with her, there’s a strong chance that, in the cold light of day, he’s realised that what he thought was love (so he did buy it for someone he ‘loved’) was actually lust. He probably can’t give you the ‘truth’ because what he feels now probably isn’t what he felt at the time when caught up in it all. So would the truthful answer be he bought it because he loved her? Because he thought he loved her? Does he even know himself? I’d guess probably not. The rosy glow of an affair, and all its associated fantasy, has now worn off, reality has bitten and he’s looking at it through new eyes.

But there is no solution. He didn’t buy you expensive things. He didn’t spoil you. He didn’t lavish you with gifts - he only did that for her. He could turn up with a £100k necklace and it wouldn’t scream anything to you other than ‘Affair! Affair! You’re only doing this because you had an AFFAIR!’ It won’t make you feel better, it’ll just serve as a constant reminder. When he had free choice, he chose to spoil her. He chose not to spoil you.

Likewise the (silly) suggestions to transfer yourself £20k. If your husband has that kind of money to spend on his bit on the side, as his wife you should have always had a high bank balance in your own right. So again, if you seek that redress now, every time you log into your bank it’s a constant reminder of WHY the money is there, and what led to this.

You DO need to get over the necklace. I fully agree with him on that, you have no choice. You can’t change any of it.

But I also think you should not be staying with him.

I haven’t told my friends, I don’t think I can face it, but I have told trusted family members. My Dad hates his guts 😂 going to be awkward at family
occasions!

Well he's in no position to judge is he, didn't he cheat on your dm?

Where did you get this from?

He did - a bit hypocritical but yes, he was furious. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed but I just could bear all the gossip that comes with telling friends. I may do once I’ve made a firm decision.

The op said upthread her dm was an alcoholic after her df's affair.

What was your relationship like before the affair op? From your point of view?

It's absolutely bonkers he should keep quiet I'm sure his fury is not welcome after what he put your family through.

It’s right that’s lot of marriages do plod on in relative contentment and inertia but it’s whether that’s enough for you for the sake of the lifestyle/status quo/convenience etc only you can say.

I know it wouldn’t be for me. He can’t even fuck you properly, that for me would be a big deal. Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s something else but I wouldn’t like it at all.

I think it is possible that he loves you, and quite truly, perhaps as much as he can love anyone. The silly ostentation of expensive jewellery doesn’t necessarily mean love. The question is whether what he is offering now - in terms of love - is enough for you.

Well he worked a lot and I rarely saw him tbh. He has tried to cut back since D-Day but he has a ‘big job’ so ultimately there will be expectations that go with that and also there was a mandatory RTO so even less time at home. But generally I thought we were ok, I guess even on holiday he was quite absent. More focused on activities on his own.

sex life gradually deteriorates and he would either take a very long time to finish or not get going at all and tbh that suited me fine after young kids so probably slacked off there and I felt partially to blame. Sorry if TMI!

he was very supportive with family issues, but again more on the practical side of things. I think emotionally he wasn’t very present.