He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Thing is, I would find hard not to punch him in the face. Disagree about the necklace being worse than the affair itself.

Honestly I would not call it reconciling, I would have to say to him that I am staying because I am trapped with dc and don’t want to give up my lifestyle.

Are you worried he will go off with her if you don’t play nice? Couldn’t be doing with that, would need to tell him to F off each and every day.

@coldcallerbaiter Honestly, I would not be quits until I had an affair myself and rubbed it in his face. He has hurt you too deeply and it’s humiliating.

This is terrible advice. Relationship aside OP and her DH have to parent along side each other for decades to come.

And OP should not be humiliated! It’s him and this woman who should be.

So he gets to but she mustn’t. Wouldn’t work for me sorry.

To put into context, I got a (very ‘practical’) jacket for my birthday.

What a fucking wanker.

Because he wanted his fancy mistress he showered lavish gifts upon, and his home life. Sounds like he’s very good at compartmentalising.

Completely agree with everything you’ve said. My knee jerk ( petty!!) thinking is to imply you’d like a gift more expensive than that if he wants to make up with you (just to recoup that loss from the marital assets).

Sorry OP but I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about him wanting to reconcile because of your DC. Plus if you go down the divorce route he will have to take a financial hit which will mean not being able to splash out on more expensive jewellery for the OW.

Personally I don't know how you can bear to look at him.

Did he spend 20k total on you in the first few years of your marriage (even adjusted for inflation). I bet not. Let alone a one off gift. That's mental money. A ridiculous amount for someone he didn't love.

Clearly she meant a lot to him. Could she have had his baby or something? Sorry but I can't think why he'd give her so much 'money'.

I couldn't get by that. Nope. Divorce. Bye.

Unfortunately men like this want their cake!
He has you at home, looking after his children, helping keep the house, nice family life, sex on tap when he fancies a mid week shag and then he has his fun, sexy side life that makes him feel like the big man. He loved her but didn’t want to blow up his life, having both was the best outcome for him.

I'd be absolutely fcking livid
I mean I couldn't ever forgive an affair anyway as I'm a natural pent up ball of rage on a good day but this would have me foaming

Blimey, I'd be wondering what on earth he's got himself mixed up in. What do you even do with a £20k necklace?

Men often stay because it’s easier than leaving.

Then we read about them ending a 30 year relationship once the kids have grown and the woman has put everything into supporting him and his career while she built nothing for herself.

Probably because she didn’t want him as a full time partner no matter what he bought her .

As a girlfriend / other women she gets the jewelry holidays posh hotels wines and dined and she hasn’t got to wash his skid mark pants or put up with in-laws or step kids

As a wife …. Well you know what he gives you as a presents - she clearly didn’t want

its not the sex. - sex can be forgiven
it’s the emotional stuff that can’t be forgiven
that he thought enough of her to buy a 20k necklace

personally I would get him to buy me a 30k necklace and then divorce him and take him to the cleaners while dancing naked in the house wearing said necklace 😂

No he has never spent that much on me ever.

Sex cannot be forgiven. That is such a stupid stupid attitude. I wouldn’t go telling your dh that!

He’s probably realised how expensive and inconvenient leaving / divorcing would be, especially if you have children. Much easier for him to “reconcile” and be on best behaviour for a bit and get back together secretly with OW when it’s “blown over”.

Is ow single? If you left dh then would he go back to her?

Was she younger or v beautiful? He sounds infatuated.

Has he cut off contact with her completely or is she at his work?

Id ask him to get any and all gifts back. You want them. If she meant nothing asking her to return them shouldn’t be a problem.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I wouldn't be able to stop myself demanding he get that necklace back, sold back to a jeweller and 'that spare 20k' that clearly was expendable, should pay for a v nice holiday for you and the DC! What a fucking outrage! I'm so angry on your behalf!!!

They usually are.

OP, he's an douche. Find out how much money he spent on her and ask for it extra in the divorce.

He can ask but the recipient has no obligation to return them and why would she?

Of course people can forgive someone for having sex / affair . They do every day .
even the op says sex is one thing but buying a 20k necklace is a whole different level of deceit

it’s the emotional stuff - like buying presents , pet names in jokes that’s what often really hurts not the actual sex bit ( imo)

I agree…otherwise I guess it’s open season on ONS? It’s just sex, so as long as he always uses protection…

Deffo time to see a divorce lawyer.

It won’t be worth 20k if bought from a jeweller, re-selling it anywhere it would be way less, unless it was a designer piece.