He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

What's he said? And have you pointed out that he owes you your half back at the very fucking least.

he should ask for them back. If she means nothing, asking for them back will be easy. You can wear the bloody necklace or sell it on. What was his reaction to you finding out about this?

Unforgivable.

That is £20k of family money he's spent on an affair partner. Imagine what good use your kids could have made of that money if he'd have put it away for them - uni fees, cars, deposit on a flat etc. Or you could have spent it on lovely family holidays for you all.

I hope you're divorcing him and making sure you get your fair share of the shared marital assets?

Will you ever get over this? Learn to trust him again? Can you be happy alone? Can you manage?
I know what I would do. In fact I have done it. I am at peace now and love being single.

Why does everyone suddenly think she'd return them?

And what do you think he'd be doing if you had been fucking another man behind his back for a year, and had given this man a £20, 000 gift (out of your joint/household finances)????

Do you think even your kids would stop him from leaving, or at the very least checking out of the marriage? Do you think he'd let you have unrestricted access or oversight of the finances again?

I think you'd be being labelled a Madame Bovary, mentally unstable etc.; to be gifting tens of thousands of pounds to your lover .... Out of your kids' holiday funds/uni funds/car fund/house deposit fund/inheritance.

I think you'd be labelled mental, irresponsible, a bad mother ...and that's not even getting onto the labels you'd get due to fucking another man behind your husband's back - for a year.

It's always interesting to turn the scenarios that posters post on here about men and see how a woman would be judged for it. It's often the only way you get a true assessment of their behaviour. Because we still give men leeway for behaviour that we would never give women.

Do you really think OP would want to wear the necklace? A constant reminder of his affair round her neck? I don't think so.

Staying and kidding yourself is not forgiveness. You’d need a men in black mind-wipe to get over it.

She is single, younger and very ‘objectively’ beautiful I suppose. Way out of his league if you ask me. The fucker.

she doesn’t work with him but same industry. She isn’t stupid save for the fact she clearly has no issue dating married men, but who knows what he told her! Can’t trust anything he said to me.

No? I was being sarcastic. She should tell her husband she wants to wear it. (As if) and he should get the thing back!

He said “I never told her I loved her”

Course she won’t return it, the bitch thinks she earnt it.

20k!! That’s more than we spent on the family car. Can you afford that as a family?

I’m so sorry OP, that is awful. In plenty of parts of the UK that could be a house deposit for your DC. Even despite the eye watering amount it’s the message it sends that would be the end for me…her gift was a fun luxury - something to show off to everyone to make her feel on top of the world. Your gift was banal and practical. I wouldn’t be able to see past the absolute chasm between his attitude towards you both respectively 😥

I’m sorry this has happened to you :( you deserve so much better, really

I can’t say we budgeted for extravagant gifts for his mistress, but it hadn’t bankrupted us, no. Not really the point!

Tbf she probably has. She'll have been given all sorts of lines about how dead the marriage was and he's trapped because of OP's MH or the kids or what her brother will do to him....

Cos he has kids.

I would ask you the same question. Why didn’t you kick him out?

This is outrageous OP. A huge amount of money. You will never forget this so don’t bother trying. He clearly did love her to do this. He is lying to you.

Haha no he didn’t ‘love’ her, because what shitbag men like this think ‘love’ feels like is nowhere near. Men like this don’t love. He doesn’t know what love worth having even means. If that’s any consolation OP. You haven’t lost anything worth having and she never got anything worth taking either. Just a low rent crapbag.

I disagree that it means he loves her. I think it means he tried to impress her.

I would never take that gift as meaningful. But it is weird.

i wouldn’t forgive regardless

Us??
surely your husband bought it and not you??

I would tell him he has one chance to save the marriage, and that is to retrieve said necklace. What you decide to do with it is up to you.
Once you have it, I would then take steps to divorce. I can’t see how you could ever move past his affair and his lies. Total mind fuck. You can’t continue to live your life under this strain. What an utter twat!

Crumbs amighty, £20K?! I’d find that extremely hard to get over it. That’s half your money, money for the dc and he chucks it away on a fucking necklace?! Dunno what would be more painful if it were me. What is he doing to be back with you? Not sure I could forgive the cheating-over a year-but that really exacerbates it, if that’s possible. Hope you’re ok, OP.

Devil’s Advocate, that is such an insane amount it sort of aligns with him temporarily losing his mind. Like he went off and lived a fantasy and forgot he’s not Elon Musk, ultimately decided that it didn’t live up to real life, that you and family life are better than the fantasy. I can see why it might turn your stomach but I don’t know that it should make you reevaluate where you’re at with his infidelity. Wishing you happiness whatever you decide.

What she was, was someone who was prepared to take him up on the offer. Or vice versa.

low rent behind the bike sheds level.

most women wouldn’t, she did

🤷‍♀️