He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Shize. It really doesn't get any worse than this really OP.

You would be losing nothing of benefit to your life by squeezing him out of it.

Lawyer up. So what if she inherits him. He's a shallow cheating scumbag with the emotional depth of a bird bath.

I haven’t read the whole thread yet so sorry if I am repeating something, and I am only saying this to try and help, I don’t want it to come across as if I’m trying to stick the boot in or anything.

On another forum recently I read a post from the cheater point of view, he was found out by his wife and ended it with the mistress and was asking advice about how to get over her because he misses her. When asked why he didn’t just leave his wife if he loves the mistress and not her, he said he was a high earner with young children and if he left now his wife would be entitled to a higher settlement than if he waits until the children are grown up.

Please look into the laws around this where you live and find out if it affects you and how you can protect yourself from this kind of thing and also to ensure you’re not blindsided.

I’m absolutely not saying this is what your husband is doing but it’s something to consider so you can be prepared.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

This is so sad OP. He’s not a prize to be “won”, he’s a cunt of a man who hasn’t got your back and never will.

He seems to think he’s done you a favour staying with you. Don’t prolong the agony, it sounds like you’ve done so much on your own up to now so you can certainly manage just fine without him. More than fine, you’ll flourish. You can’t flourish with this sort of man in your life.

So many of us have lived through what you are currently suffering OP.
I chose to give my cheating DH another chance after he heroically phoned his girlfriend and ended their affair in front of me. I think it was the shock of his betrayal and blind panic - we had three school age children - that made me stay.
He didn’t change, he was just more careful. Now, fifteen years later, we are divorcing and I regret the wasted years.
I wish I’d had a sounding board like mumsnet back then. Perhaps I’d have been braver. I wish you so much luck whatever you decide. Take your time and take care

Thank you - I still don’t really understand this because surely if you want to be with someone that much you would leave. Is it social image? Can’t cope with young kids on his own?

I can’t see that money would factor too much into his decision. I have spoken to a lawyer and was told it would likely be 50:50 split of assets and pension with spousal maintenance till the kids are at least in secondary school if not longer. It’s not as though he stands to give me less in terms of assets because the kids are young, the only difference is spousal maintenance really which may be less as the DC are more independent.

I also just can’t get my head around him staying unless part of him must also want to be with me. How can it work otherwise? You can’t fake an entire marriage for years on end. Although in fairness that’s what he’s been doing for years I suppose.

I don’t understand how his mind works.

You need to stop focusing on him and start building yourself up. It’s the ‘I can’t cope’ statement that is the worry. You know what you need to do but you are not confident enough to do it.

it’s not easy, to rewire your brain, build confidence and face up to a life of uncertainty. So take small steps, identify the void he’ll leave when you part ways - whether physical, emotional, financial or all three and work to fill those voids.

This is no longer the time for working out his feelings for you, it is the time to be brave,
set some achievable goals to separate and work towards them bit by bit.

good luck

Having read most of your posts what comes through is your fear of change, of being alone, of starting again as an independent woman and mother. I really do think you should go for counselling on your own, to help you face your fears and embrace the idea of a brand new future for you and your children. Your husband does not love you, that much is abundantly clear. What's even clearer is that he doesn't deserve you, or deserve his convenient life with you. I hope you face your fears OP, and break free.

I do think, @Spikyseason, that whether you eventually stay or go - your decision - you need to make him see that he is not the only one with choices and the divine right to bestow his remaining on you and expect you to be grateful.

In your position, I would be asking him to leave, give you some space, and expecting you both to be in counselling. I would tell him that you will be the one deciding whether this marriage continues now, so if he wants that he’d better start earning it.

I would personally also be telling him that I don’t believe for a minute that the £20k was spent on a necklace and I’d be expecting him to prove to me that it wasn’t a ring before I went any further. You don’t dispose of receipts for £20k purchases, it won’t be difficult. Still wouldn’t be happy with the necklace, but a ring is a different sentiment entirely.

Harsh, but you need to get in the driving seat here. It’s a sad fact that people like this won’t respect you if you don’t show them that you respect and value yourself.❤️

@Spikyseason he’s not winning you over as he already knows he’s got you I’m affraid. Instead of rushing home from his jolly to alleviate your fears and worries, he’s shutting you down and making out he’s a prize as he “chose” to be with you. He’s minimising everything as it’s “in the past”. He’s making our he’s done something like leaving the toilet seat up instead of sneaking around for over a year shagging the ow.
I appreciate you are in a really fragile state right now but you’ve seen a new side of him manifesting with the ow.. the romance, the gifts, the protectiveness. You haven’t seen this in your relationship so it’s irrelevant whether he loves the OW or not. It’s about how he loves you and sees you.
No one wants to be alone but it’s very possible you’ve been quite alone while in your marriage ( I know I certainly was and was nothing more than a maid to my ExH).
I might be telling you this in a more confortable place as 4 years ago I met my dp and then I really experienced what love looked like. Even though there has been flowers and romance and holidays away he’s also been there for my hospital appointments, taking care of me when I was sick, taking my car to the garage so I don’t get ripped off. I never had that from my ExH and like you I had two primary school age kids. Don’t think you can’t cope, a lot of us on here just had to. Wasn’t an option, Take good care of yourself op. Be kind to yourself. You don’t deserve all this shit x

I can’t see that money would factor too much into his decision. I have spoken to a lawyer and was told it would likely be 50:50 split of assets and pension with spousal maintenance till the kids are at least in secondary school if not longer.

I don't understand why you think a 50/50 split isn't enough to scare him off. It's huge.

He may hope to resume with the other woman once the dust settles.

And while people generally assume the other woman is just dying for the bloke to leave, it may be that him doing so would be inconvenient or not what she wants. It sounds like he's been the one doing the showboating and wooing, so maybe she's not that into him.

Why would he leave if he's going to lose half his assets, time with his kids, the home comforts, loss of status, to go live on his own and do his own parenting?

He may wish to stay longer to hide assets better, he may think the settlement will be significantly better for him once the kids are older, he may be prepared to wait until they're of age.

This. Wow, huge amount (to most people) and very personal.

@Spikyseason also I think you can reside in the house till the oldest is 18 ( this was case when I was getting divorced). So you don’t have too much upheaval for you dc. That’s plus 50% off assets ect plus maintenance. I know at this moment the money isn’t the big concern but it’s something to consider.

As other posters pointed out, the important thing is what you think, and what you want NOT what your DH wants and whether he loved / loves her or not.

I know it hurts. It breaks heart. It feels impossible to detach yourself from only man you have ever known, but he doesn't seem to love you as a partner as not only his long term affair but also how he minimises what you are going through. He just wants to move past it because it is all in the past and you need to move on. It is a cheater's handbook. He might slowly start to act like a victim if you keep bringing it up. My ex bil did it too, he said "I am working hard to make it work, and you are not helping me to fix this." He forgot that he is the one who broke my sister's world.

Take your time to heal but if you decided to give it a go, go with open eyes that he can cheat again with someone else or goes back to her anytime. He has you and his kids now, and he will be cautious next time about not getting caught if there is next time.

What would make you happy? Sadly, you can't go back to the life before the affair. He isn't even giving you all the reassurance you need to work your feelings. I am heartbroken for you OP. Take care.

@Secondstart1001 the staying in the marital home is individual circumstances dependent

Honestly he seems to think as long as he is staying and has essentially done the ‘right’ thing by demonstrating how committed he is to his family, that that is the main thing

He sounds like he feels entitled to cheat, entitled to do wherever he wants.

His entitlement, arrogance and lack of integrity seems to know no bounds.

I'm wondering how he'd feel if that was your attitude after having an affair, and gifting your Other Man 20,000 quid on a Rolex or something. At the end of a luxury day together.

Do you think he'd still be there? Do you think he'd be thinking "ah ok she's doing her duty by staying with me so .. .".

It's unimaginable.

Because your relationship is totally unbalanced in terms of power.

A. I'd imagine because he's currently the bread winner and you're a sahm; he thinks you're dependant and stuck.
B. Because he knows you won't leave because you don't want the kids affected
C. Because he naturally knows/senses what you've said here - that you've known nothing else, that you don't think you can be on your own, you will avoid change etc.
(Does he know about your Mum and how you're scared history could repeat itself if you divorce?)
D. I know we only have snippets but It sounds, I'm sorry, like he's perhaps he "settled" and doesn't have (ever had?) very strong, romantic feelings while you ...do you have them for him? Another imbalance.

He knows you're taking wherever he doles out.
He knows you're going nowhere.

Given his character (which is pretty shitty tbh) I'm wondering how you'll ever be treated decently in this situation.

Even if you do a 180, as they put it in reconciliation/recovery lingo, (where you focus and yourself and make them realise you could leave it any time etc ), I'm not sure it will even change things.

@Spikyseason you are saying:

*I also just can’t get my head around him staying unless part of him must also want to be with me. How can it work otherwise? You can’t fake an entire marriage for years on end. Although in fairness that’s what he’s been doing for years I suppose.

I don’t understand how his mind works.*

^
It doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend to understand his mind works. you will never understand it. he is morally bankrupt, you are not. you will never understand his motivations, decisions or reasons. they don't make sense to a loyal person with integrity.

someone can indeed be in a marriage for a long time and throw it away with ease if they are shallow and if they have enough entitlement. he earns well, this means he is likely in a job that creates an air around him of 'you are important'- which creates entitlement. entitlement for him means to do what he wants.

This was the hardest part of the process for me, to reframe the person whose was the most safe in my life to the person who put my sexual health at risk, who damaged my mental health by ruthless gas lighting, who weakened my financial position by using family funds on his affair. from my safe parter to not just a stranger but a stranger who harmed me across all pillars of life: health, mental state and financially.

For the longest time my brain refused to accept that the cruel ruthless person is the same as my 'loving' DH. once the reality sunk in, I was able to go into strategy mode and started to look at the situation like a game of chess. knowing he will screw me over as much as he can, i started planning.

Please go back to your lawyer, make a plan. it can remain just a plan if you decide to stick with him, but it will be an excellent exercise to look how much you can get (and go for more. be as ruthless as he was with you.)

@Vespanest think op would be in strong position as she’s primary carer as stay at home mum with a H that “travels” for work and play. It’s def something she should get legal advice on and explore though. I know even in my position when I was working pt but still earning quite a lot this was an option open to me to stay in marital home though I didn’t want it and wanted a completely fresh start.

Also given that he hid what sounds like a pretty intense affair for a whole year (well he's told you it was a year (?)), and you've only found out about huge spends on her 5 months after that; I wouldn't even be 100% sure he's ended it with her.
As usual, it seems like he grudgingly tells you the absolute minimum and you accept it, because you feel like you can't "demand" anything.

Yes, this. If he is HNW he will absolutely NOT want to part with 50% of his assets. Say you were like people I know, £2m house; another £1-2m in a lifetime of accrued (company) shares/investments; final salary pension… he’d stand to lose £1.5-2m, over a shag (regardless of how much he may feel/have felt for OW). That would kill most driven, professional men. It’s why sensible men keep it in their trousers when tempted even if they are in loveless marriages.

I know many men in my DH’s circles who’ve lost that, plus then still had to fork out for continued school fees until each child was 18 OR spousal maintenance because the wife, now being the sole carer other than his contact weekends, couldn’t return to work without the private school set up. They lost their 5-6 bed renovated luxury properties and all the prestige that goes with it.

OP please do not delude yourself that he is staying for you/the kids if there is this much at stake financially (and I am inferring there is because of the £20k necklace spend).

He is absolutely choosing to maintain the material quality of his life, esp as it means he can still the children with minimal effort on his part.

if they are shallow and if they have enough entitlement. he earns well, this means he is likely in a job that creates an air around him of 'you are important'- which creates entitlement. entitlement for him means to do what he wants.

I totally agree that people, particularly men it seems, in high earning jobs become entitled and arrogant. Often very cynical.

Often they only get into those jobs and stay in them in the first place; because they are entitled, arrogant, ruthless and sociopathic/psychopathic.

Then they get way more opportunities to cheat then less well off men because they're relatively wealthy and have a desirable lifestyle.

Honestly I find those men are "Trumps" ...get what you're getting out of them cause you're almost certainly getting replaced by a new model.
(If he's 60 plus and you're younger, you might be the final wifey swap and last longer, but mostly you're lucky if you get a decade).

The "right" type of woman for that type of man, quite honestly, is a gold digger and hustler, who takes her chance and gets as much as she can get out of it and moves on stoically and cheerfully. Knows that a couple of kids will increase her "take", and is probably unfaithful on the side too (tennis coaches etc.). That's the only match for this type of man.

I wouldn't be waiting around until he feels it's most convenient to leave, and while he's doing and spending fuck knows who & what in the meantime.
I'd work out what the best time for you is.

You might find you adjust fine to being single. You might meet another partner, most do. You're not your mother. Get a forensic accountant, because I wouldn't trust him one iota.

Thank you - I still don’t really understand this because surely if you want to be with someone that much you would leave. Is it social image? Can’t cope with young kids on his own?

Maybe the OW doesn't want to be a part time SM. Maybe she doesn't want custody of DH either. The way things were/are might suit her and she does seem to have power in this situation. Or maybe your DH doesn't see her like that.

He's got everything nicely boxed off now. Little impact other than occasional grief from you which he shuts down immediately.

I really hope you are getting support from family and friends OP. I hope you are talking about this with people close to you. So often the wife in these situations is guilted (can you imagine) into saying nothing to nobody.

It's the secrecy and the guilt that keep you attached. Guilt about your kids and shame for yourself. You have no shame here. You and your kids deserve the best.

I think a major issue here is the lack of remorse. If your husband had told you he'd been a complete dick and begged you to forgive him there would be more of a chance to reconcile. He's basically told you he has finished explaining and that's that. It's his terms for which you should be greatful.
Nobody benefits here. I'm not sure why you feel you couldn't live without him, you can. Yes you'd be divorced but you'd have your self respect. It's not the 1950s.
I came off your thread for a few days but have caught up now. Nothing has changed.
Perhaps your husband will see the ow this weekend, perhaps not but you don't trust him.
When I commented earlier I felt you could make your marriage work. Now I'm not so sure. His minimising of his behaviour doesn't sit well with me. I'd want him wearing a hair shirt!

And FWIW (and I've outted myself to tell you this in the hope it will help) I fell in love with someone early on in my marriage. I didn't have children and I didn't commit adultery. However I've never stopped feeling ashamed. My DH was magnificent.
The OM was a serial philander and repeated his love bombing throughout his life as my husband said he would.
I'm the high earner in my marriage and I can tell you I'd rather have an honest man than a 'wealthy wallet wanker'.
Peace of mind is a wonderful thing.

He did do and say everything that was expected of him in terms of begging, pleading, crying. But now it’s the ‘it’s in the past’ comments that worry me. He says he must ‘make amends’ and is now ‘trying to honour the promises he made’ as if he is serving out some kind of punishment, but the crime is ‘in the past’.

he also says things like he is truly sorry for ‘what happened’, which is totally passive. Not what he did. What happened. He said he was sorry the gift discovery ‘dragged it all up’ and he is committed to us ‘moving on’.

I know I will have a lot to consider. It’s very hard to stop trying to ‘figure it out’ because honestly I am completely at a loss as to how anyone could be this way.

Please just decide to divorce him, with two young children you will be entitled to at least 50% assets. God knows the extent of this affair, the necklace is just something you chanced upon - the scale could be much bigger that he isn’t forthcoming about. What if he’s bought the OW a property? He’s stalling potentially to hide assets. Think hard about whether you can honestly forgive him without it destroying you. If not, start divorce proceedings with haste.

I am writing this reply ONLY to try to help OP see things from a different point of view. This is not about me please don't slate me

I was the OW and he was planning to leave his gf (yes I'm sure, no it might not have worked between us ) we were looking at houses, he bought me jewellery. Then he got his gf pregnant (yes I knew they were still sleeping together) he couldn't leave when she was pg. He said he'd leave when the baby was a few months old and settled. He continued his relationship with me all through her pregnancy. When his child was born everything changed. He finished with me, after a few months went on a work trip which separated him from his baby. He said he missed his baby more than he missed me, so he was staying with his baby.
My point is that it was never about his gf, the mother of his child. He was faced with a choice - a relationship with a woman (he told me) he was deeply in love with and more compatible with or being able to be a full time dad, with his baby everyday, seeing her grow up, with a woman he gets on ok with, available for sex occasionally, a comfortable home and, for my shallow, weak ex lover, keeping up appearances, because what other people see is vitally important to him. He didn't chose her because he loved her, (he was leaving her before the pregnancy) he chose his baby and his comfortable life. Your DH seems very similar to him. It's a balance, it's not like he's in a marriage with someone he hates, but he's willing to settle for you because it's comfortable, because he can see the kids grow up, because he looks like a decent family man to the outside world. In a few years he'll maybe have another affair when his need for passionate love and validation becomes too strong. It's also the reason he'll wait for you to be the one to put an end to this, he can't be SEEN to be the one leaving/abandoning his family. Appearances are everything.