I also just can’t get my head around him staying unless part of him must also want to be with me. How can it work otherwise? You can’t fake an entire marriage for years on end. Although in fairness that’s what he’s been doing for years I suppose.
Of course he wants to stay with you! Look at everything you do, have done and will do for him ! You have given up your own career / pension to support his. My guess is that you either do or organise EVERYTHING to do with the house and children. No doubt you do all the wife work and most of the emotional labour and supply sex on demand , in return for a little of his time and few kind words now and then. You seem thoughtful, intelligent , selfless and considerate - I’m sure you are good company.
You give him lots and lots of free time so he can do his hobbies, see his friends and indulge in affairs. All guilt free and fun for him. Why on earth would be want to give that up? It’s a GREAT DEAL for him.
OTOH if you divorce its a very bad deal for him. It’s going to costs him a lot of time and money , damage his reputation, change things with his kids and his freinds and generally destroy his easy and comfortable life.
He’s not going to see his kids much ( because of the hassle ) and that will make him look really bad. He will try to spin it but you can’t fool everyone all of the time. And it will damage his self image as a “ great dad”.
If his new partner move in with him and looks after the kids for him every second weekend, all well and good. But eventually the kids will complain about this, or she will get fed up with being used. Or both. More hassle, just another thing that needs sorted out. Sigh.
What on earth will he do about childcare , school lunches, homework , PE kit, parents evenings , fancy dress days , play dates, birthday parties, dentist and orthodontists and eye tests and glasses - seriously can you see him doing any of this @Spikyseason ?
You have said that you don’t know if you can manage without him, but my experience is that very VERY a few dads can be arsed to do any of this side of parenting. Yes they want 50% of Christmas days but 0% of the tedious work. You see them ( or their new partners ) on Mn all the time moaning about having to wash school uniform or some other TINY aspect of parenting that they expect their ex to do (along with the other 98%).
And what about OW ? Even if she wants to move in with him, she will always be on the alert for him cheating . And why would she want to swap diamond necklaces, champagne breakfast and illicit sex in fancy hotels for washing his socks and cooking his dinner? So he might end up alone until he can fill that position , which would be a MAJOR hassle with no live in staff and also make him look like a sad loser.
And that’s before we talk about legal fees, pension splitting, selling assets, the huge amount of Time and money he will need to invest in the divorce.
So he would be mad to leave you.
You’d think he could do a better job of faking remorse, wouldn’t you, given everything that’s at stake ? Or maybe he’s just buying time, until he can hide assets / your kids start school / some other reason.
Maybe saying the right words has always worked with you before, so he assumes it will work now?
Maybe your marriage was held together by the fact that you loved and trusted him and now that glue is gone ( or crumbling ) , he only has empty words to give you? It feels fake because it is fake, he says all the right words but his really feelings are leaking through.
Maybe you have stepped through the looking glass and now there’s no going back, however much you want to, because you can’t unsee and unknow things?
You are the only one who knows the answer to these questions. I suspect you do know deep down, but it can be very hard to admit to ourselves. None of us ever thought this would happen to us 😥
As always, these are just my thoughts , please ignore if irrelevant or unhelpful.