He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Well he's saying just enough for you to doubt yourself and think you'd be wrong to end it isn't he? Enough because he knows you well enough that you don't want to be alone.

You say money wouldn't be an issue as you'd get 50 percent, of course it's an issue to HIM. No matter how rich he is it's certain he doesn't want to upset the applecart he's got balanced, move out, see the kids now and then, and pay half his salary to do it.

Look, you want to hear that he's staying because he doesn't care enough about her to leave, and ironically that might be true but not for the reasons you think. Hes able to compartmentalise very easily and he can do it again.

Just to finish, it's very rare that on mumsnet during something serious like this, that you don't see a bunfight with some posters disagreeing on whether a marriage can be repaired....look at the number of replies you've had, and the general feeling.

Perhaps reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft will give some clues to his behaviour.

Have you noticed that almost all your posts are about trying to 'understand' him rather than trying to understand yourself?

Sometimes the trying to 'understand' is a subconscious way of delaying making a decision. Sometimes we live with the trying to understand all our life - never moving on or making decisions.

Just as an add, to like someone for a long time is often harder than loving them.
I've been married 36 years next month and I can honestly say I'd rather have my husband over any of my friends partners. The HNWI are shits in the main and the few that are happy are very strong women with their own money.
Whilst your DH is away have a sneaky peek on Rightmove. It might cheer you up. No hairy a**see man kit to accommodate!
Good luck op. X

Are you playing on words OP as in what happened v what he did, I wonder if you keep over analysing everything.
if you really want it to work you really do have to be able to put what happened in the past and move on, I know the £20000 spend has recently surfaced and that must be a massive fly in the ointment of progress, but I really can’t see any other way forward than to put it behind you, otherwise every single day will be one of agony for you thinking and overthinking everything.
You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, you’re constantly thinking ‘does he really want me’ and ‘but I want him to stay regardless’. Not one single person on here can make that decision for you, all the name calling and slagging off it doesn’t matter. It matters what you want, do you love him enough to forgive him, does he love you enough to make amends and give you the support and love that you need. If the answer to either of those is no well, you need to be bold and take action.

Yeah..no...that doesn't work like that does it OP, he needs a reality check.

I think others are on the right lines here. He has decided to stay (did you get any choice in that, it doesn't sound like it) because even a 50/50 split of assets with no spousal maintenance he stands to lose A Lot of money. I think he has a lot of money squirrelled away that you've no idea about. The 20k jewellery is possibly a drop in the ocean.
I think you should take a breather and have a good think about what you want from this marriage, if you want to stay in it in the first place, and think about what will make you happy and contented with life.

It's very unlikely that you will work out why he did this so you need to create a narrative in your own head that positively supports YOU.

So....

He has shown you by his actions (affair, lying, necklace, feeble attempts to explain) that he doesn't care about you. He thinks just telling you it's over you will back off and return to dutiful wife mode. He is probably treading water to either leave shortly or later in a bid to protect as much of his reputation and assets as possible.

Some men are not emotional beings who care about how their actions affect other people. You have to start seeing him like this. Everything he is doing now is for himself not you and the children.

For the love of ALL of the God’s OP - this guy is a copper bottomed, self-absorbed, selfish, duplicitous, spineless
amoeba of a man. Each time you add more he sounds
worse and worse! Please stop trying to understand why he did X and Y - he’s a manipulative user who is able to deceive and compartmentalise very easily, over a
long period of time. Unless you have those toxic traits or the beginnings of some sort of personality disorder then you will never be able to ‘understand’ why.

Some aspects of your marriage and your husband sound a little bit similar to my ex. I don’t want to sound harsh but stop tormenting yourself over the details of what he said etc and focus on the overall picture:-

He believes he is superior to you - his words and deeds show this very clearly. He believes you are lucky to have him and that he has you over a barrel, so essentially you’ll just have to put up and shut up.

He treats you with contempt - at best he sees you as a child-rearing, house-keeping ‘wife-not’ appliance. As an aside, how does react of you are ill? Does he care for you and willingly take over all child related stuff? Or is it an irritating inconvenience for him that the wife-bot has malfunctioned?

He is clearly verbalising that he has chosen to remain out of duty, for his image as a husband and father. He wants to ‘uphold the vows he made’ so he looks like a good guy, despite it being so ‘hard’. Are you willing to live your life with a man who tolerates you rather than cherishes you? From my personal experience it does a hell of a number on your self esteem, until you become a shell of your former self. It’s 100% not a path worth trying.

He has clearly shown that he thinks his behaviour is all in the past and now the problem is going to be YOU and your inability to sweep it under the carpet and carry on as though nothing happened. I expect as time goes on he will be angry when you mention it or become upset and he will throw it in your face as your weakness and lack of commitment/understanding/whatever.

I guarantee you will never trust him again. And it’s likely he will cheat again and next time you won’t find out about it because, guess what? He’s learnt how to cover his tracks properly now. He won’t make the same mistake next time. He’s clever and sneaky and he’s not your friend. You’ll either need to spend the next 10/20/30 years checking up on his movements, going through his pockets for evidence, pouring over his bank transactions etc, or make a decision to simply not care and determine not to be bothered about his ‘indiscretions’. Which of these options will drive you the least insane? Which will be least damaging to your self worth and mental health? Won’t you always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? The longer you stay with him the more ground down you will become, constantly circling the plug hole until he decides he’s tired of trying to ‘do the right thing’.

Honestly, there’s so much wrong with this man and this situation that I really don’t think the question should be “How do I move forward/save this marriage?” but rather “How do I save myself (and DC) from this awful marriage and get out as quickly and painlessly as possible with my sanity still intact?”

I have huge empathy for you and wish you happiness. But honestly there is no happiness left for you with this kind of man. Cut your losses, move on, find a new happiness.

In his eyes, you’re worth a $300 coat. Sensible, practical and convenient. She is worth $20,000 of beautiful diamonds, sparkly, exciting and feminine. That alone says everything you need to know.

Why did he stay / “pick you”? Because you’re the mother of his children. You’re convenient, practical and a sensible decision. It’d be expensive to divorce you, he’s not stupid. He’d look and feel like a moron if he left you, his reputation and financial position would both take a significant hit. So would his relationship with his children. So he “chooses” to stay at a cost to you.

It really sounds like you’re doing the pick me dance, OP. I’m sorry to say. You sound remarkably smart, you honestly come across on here as funny, intelligent and unbelievably kind. He doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve to be treated like a door mat. I feel like I’m more angry on your behalf than what you are. Where’s your fire? You’re worth so much more than a sensible, practical and convenient choice. You should always have been and always will be the only choice. Don’t let some lying, cheating weasel make you feel less than someone’s first and only choice. Because I bet, there will be (better) men who would worship you.

This advice given to you by PP is exceptional.

Your husband goes through life at a superficial, selfish and self-indulgent level. A £20K gift of jewellery is for show, something my DH could afford but wouldn’t go down well with me. Imo it displays a man’s inadequacy in conveying true depth of feeling. People don’t need this to know they’re special.

He is lazy and unthinking which is why he drifted into marriage, doesn’t recognise how deeply he has hurt you and what he needs to sincerely say and do to regain your trust and love.

He lacks depth, perception and sensibility. No matter how hard you try you cannot change him.

Offer him up to the tombola of life, an undesired and superfluous item from you.

You have integrity and a more settled future ahead when you are ready to take it. He never will. All he has is his salary and ego.

@NotTheMrMenAgain As an aside, how does react of you are ill? Does he care for you and willingly take over all child related stuff? Or is it an irritating inconvenience for him that the wife-bot has malfunctioned?

so he does take over child related stuff and practical things. But now you mention it he did make a comment to his sister when I had to have a minor surgery that it was ‘nothing serious, but another thing to sort out’

so yes, probably a good point.

Yuk, the more you post about him, the more revolting he sounds. I’m shocked anyone wants him tbh

His words sound like a business action plan applied to your marriage.

He has identified the mistake, outlined the actions and objectives and now it is time to execute the plan and move on. At some point, he will schedule a review meeting.

No real understanding of the impact his actions and choices have had on you.

As far as he is concerned, he gave her up for you and the children so let's just get on with it.

But you get to decide Eid right for you, not him. If he was truly remorseful, he would respect your need for time to heal.

Strange auto correct in previous post... Eid? Should read as what is

Are you still very much in love with him? What’s your honest answer to this question.

Is it him you don’t want to lose, or is the fear of change and being a single co parent that you dread? You’ve already identified that financially you would be fine. But the reality that seems to be coming through louder is that you’re terrified of change and a future without him being your husband.

You obviously have a nice lifestyle and there are some women that are prepared to ignore and get past affairs to maintain their current life at all cost. But you don’t actually sound like that.

You’re searching for answers, understandably, but sadly you’re not going to really get them as to the whys and wherefore as to his affair. You’ve been told certain things that he was prepared to divulge but naturally you just don’t know the intimacy of his other relationship as it wasn’t with you. But conducting an affair for at least a year isn’t just a bit of excitement it’s definitely something deeper. He could well be struggling himself with the end of the affair and missing the OW, but these aren’t feelings he’s going to express to you.

Perhaps if you book yourself some counselling to try and work through your feelings it might help you to see the wood for the trees.

Bang on the money with this one. It’s so, so difficult and painful and not fair. But he is utterly unworthy of you, a huge disappointment as a husband and father.

Do I love him? It should be simple but it isn’t. I see all this irrefutable evidence of him being a shit person. And also of his feelings towards me and his capability or lack thereof of deep feelings in general. His ability to compartmentalise and shut down any empathy is quite terrifying. And then all this is countered with him, on the whole, doing and saying the ‘right’ things probably because he knows what is expected of him and he knows what he should be doing but really his heart isn’t in it and maybe he thinks that’s ok, for the rest of his life.

so logically I know he is not a lovable person. But I still feel tied to him and part of me cannot accept the above on some level.

it’s always been in my nature to ‘figure things out’ before I can feel I can move on. Which I suppose is why I am focusing a lot on his feelings and motivations because I would feel better able to deal with and accept what I can understand. I cannot understand this. I appreciate that perhaps I never will.

thank you as well to PPs not only for their advice but also the lovely comments in general x

what he says is advertising.
what he does is the product itself.

the two don't align.

you sound like you need to go through understanding him and your own emotions to make some decisions, so here are resources that might be helpful:

audiobook: Leave a cheater gain a life by tracy schorn

research trauma bonding to why you feel so helpless by the idea of leaving him

research Dr. Omar Minwalla. He is a psychologist and a clinical sexologist who specializes in deceptive sexuality. his work puller me out of the fog.

It’s like he’s content on this being all some arrangement for the kids. Has he not thought about after they grow up? Or even just become less dependent?
Because if he actually doesn’t love me irrespective of OW then none of this is sustainable. It’s like he does and says all the right things but it feels hollow.

That reads like he doesn't care about you at all. So either he'll have affairs in future or more likely he'll leave when it's coinvent to him - when kids are teens don't need childcare to sort/be paid for - and do 50-50 so pays not maintenance.

This comes across as some who will with no problem screwing you over when convenient and still thinking he's a good guy.

So for you and your kids you need to find out where money is - and plan you getting back to work and building you confidence ( clearly subtlety undermined for years by him) .

He is not your friend, not an ally or partner and doesn't have your best interest at heart.

You do need to figure things out but the focus shouldn't be on him and his wants - but on you what you need what you want. I think counselling for yourself or in RL someone on your side who can help you put you and your kids needs first - rather than him and his wants.

If he is so keen to honour his promise why didnt he think about that same promise when he was having sex with the other woman. this is all about me, me, me. what he wants, what he thinks, whats convenient for him. cant you see this? he has a comfortable life and will stay with you until the kids are gone, then leave. by which time you will have wasted some of the best years of your life and for what? You keep focussing on him, what he says and what he wants. what about you? do you want to spend the next 30 or 40 years checking his phone, looking for clues of another affair. FWIW I dont think the affair has ended I think he and the other woman have paused it, give it a couple of years until you "forget" then start up again. this phone call with her sounded way, way too staged. You are being taken for a fool OP and the worst of it is that you are letting him do this. chuck him out, make him live away for 12 months then see if you want to restart your marriage. as for the vow renewal idea, only he needs to renew his vows because you havent broken yours. ask any celebrant why people do this and its almost always because of cheating. He has shown you the sort of person that he is and STILL you dont believe it. I hope you can get through the next few years of suspicion, checking up on him, always being on edge etc because thats what you are in for.

OP I've always been quite good at reading people. From your posts I can give you my reading of what he thinks...

I'd say he was besotted with the other woman. Loved the excitement, the sex, everything. Definitely infatuation to spend so much money. Probably convinced himself it was love but more likely lust.

When you found out, the reality of what he'd done came crashing down - and he realised he didn't want to lose his family, his stability, and have the social stigma of a divorce, kids with two homes, rubbish relationship with kids, heartbreak to you, everything that entails. He decided the "least bad" option was to lose the OW, who he still liked (but probably not loved) and make the family work.

I think he'd then be desperately missing the OW at first, but trying hard to get past it. And in all honesty I don't think he has super strong feelings for you anymore - but you and the kids are the "least bad" option. He doesn't want you to find out more about the affair as he wants to minimise his feelings about it to you, as he's made his choice now.

I don't know... That wouldn't be enough for me. I think you should leave and find someone who really does deserve you. He won't be happy - but it'd probably be the best thing in the long run for both of you.

That's me though - I have quite high standards for relationships. If you want to stay, you want to stay.

Whatever you decide, please take your time thinking it through. I'm sorry you're going through this ❤️

Hello OP, @Spikyseason

I left your thread sat morning, after sending you some hugs etc, as I felt I had nothing more useful to add.

I have now caught up with the rest of your posts. How I wish I knew you in person.

This thing of understanding motivations and feelings to help you make a decision is so much me. When Dh and I went through a difficult time soon after marrying, we met and married soon thereafter, and 80% of his circumstances changed:

1. I needed to first understand if I was lied to to start with;
2. I needed to understand all this was really just bad luck on him
3. I needed to ask him and understand why he married me.

In the end, whilst I really loved him, I knew I needed time to first get those answers before I could even know what to do- i.e to work through my feelings and make a decision.

I did have to ask myself though 'if I had time to wait'. So this is my Q to you. Should he leave after kids are independent; done secondary school, how will you feel? Will you feel you wasted your time on him- from the affair discovery to when he leaves? Will you feel you could have used time from now to find someone else? Or will you (like many married women) feel once this marriage is over, you will not want to marry again or enter a serious relationship; and therefore, on a practical level, you are not wasting your time from now until whatever happens (although you might not feel loved now- you say he is incapable of being loving; just does things for you and kids which show he cares about the 'family')

I still recall my Dh genuinely wanting to understand why I was still here -expecting me to abandon him. One of the reasons which after a year of asking, I said, was to say 'I was confused and needed to understand'. I was honest.

Anyway, time passed ( 2 years) and I got my answers and evidence that it was a genuine bad luck and I was not targeted by him. However, I had made the conscious decision to use time for this clarity to emerge as I decided I 1) I had the time; 2. nothing would change (still had my own home etc etc). and 3. Genuinely loved him and I could see he loved me and 4) so thought to stick it out and give number 3 a chance.

However, I wouldn't have decided to stay if I had no time for any eventuality (wasting time or love) as everything happened weeks after we married.

Yes, I too can be clinical and can easily separate things; but I am also emotional and need to feel things.

So I have half you and half your DH. Luckily my DH is all emotional and about feelings!

I've never been the other woman but thus sounds similar to friends who have cheating husbands who have taken them back and subsequent affairs and final break ups years later. Cowards way to settle but stick look around for a bit on the side.

Kind of what I was also trying to say.

Many HNW men have the wife as someone they are comfortable with, get on ok with etc etc.

Therefore, it is usually the 1) wanting to see kids everyday/ grow up 'whom they feel they are funding whether there or gone) and 2) Having a comfortable home plus kids full time.

It is why many of us are warning OP that he might still leave eventually, even if for someone else. That is a real possibility! Indeed, to use OP's logic, he will think he has done his duties (and/or punishment for staying) once kids are big and justified in moving on.

One take could be that he didn’t ’tell her he loved her’ because it wasn’t that kind of relationship - you’ve said she’s successful / attractive and ‘out of his league’ - for her she may have made it clear she didn’t want anything more serious, didn’t want more from him and did not want to be a step mum to two young kids. So it wasn’t him ‘choosing you’ once you’d found out - he became less appealing to her when he was ‘available’. This would explain the emotionless break up (although god knows that sounds staged).

And I do think there are different types of ‘love’ - mad passion and longer deeper love, and it’s possible to feel both at once and recognise that one is far more sustainable than the other. The love he has for you is now inextricably linked with kids & family, and should be one based on loyalty, connection and trust - that grows over the years. He’s destroyed those foundations with his actions, therefore you are rightly questioning whether there is any love left there and not just duty without real love.

fwiw with the jewellery, unpopular view here but a I personally don’t think a diamond necklace is that personal or thoughtful a gift. It’s a flash move - one he got her to pick, he didn’t even put a lot of thought into choosing it. It’s flashy (reflecting the shallow nature of their relationship) but I don’t think it’s that personal. What I do think is personal is actually buying birthday gifts, spending the day together etc for a birthday - that more than the jewellery says to me this wasn’t just about sex.

@Spikyseason You come across as loyal, thoughtful, smart and funny - don’t underestimate that he may have lost sight of you in your marriage (whole other post but his job sounds like it isn’t compatible with the man you knew when you got together if he’s not materialistic but is working in an industry where materiality is valued) but don’t you loose sight of how bloody lucky he is to have you, you are a prize in your own right as well as as a mother. 💕

What’s he really done to show he does loves and appreciate you?

And do you actually trust he’s not still at it? What changes has he made to demonstrate his commitment?
What discomfort has he suffered?