He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation OP.

But he has told you loud and clear here - ‘This is in the past. You’ve had you’re time and pound of flesh (counselling)… Now you accept it and move on’.

He’s given himself a clean slate to move forward from.

What he’s said means there’s no going back to keep questioning the bits you don’t yet know about. It’s done and forgotten…

Please, please take legal advice about your situation (I wouldn’t mention this to him).

Being informed is paramount!!! You don’t have to do anything with the information, but you need to know what it is!!!

He is treating you like an employee - you either like the terms or move on…

Whether you want to be alone or not, you need to ask yourself how you are going to feel when he is away on business and you’ve got that feeling that all is not quite right…

You can’t go back in a years time and mention this - you’ve focused on the future and moved on…

Sorry to his is so negative.

I genuinely don’t think I can cope on my own.

Of course you can. Millions of women do it. You'll feel much better, in fact.

"he decided to stay and although he understands how I’m feeling, it’s in the past and we need to focus on looking to the future 😕"

He decided did he? So that's it settled then? No it bloody well isn't. You haven't decided yet and he should be on his knees. Prat. He sounds like some new hire at the end of their probationary period saying, "I've deigned to continue in the job. I shall be having the corner office".

Do whatever is best for you, wishing you all the best. If you do divorce I hope you absolutely rinse him, the arrogant sod. (Then win Euromillions for good measure and buy racehorses and diamond bridles to put on them).

Think of the expenses you don't know about...

Every day you spend with this man since he has made clear he sees you as a duty is another day you could have been happier alone or with someone else

Contemplating being alone can feel quite scary, but the truth is, when it’s just you and your children, it’s not scary. It’s quite wonderful. You get to decide all the things! And when it’s just YOU because they’re visiting him, it’s wonderful in other ways- freedom to eat what you like, when you want to. Freedom to go to bed when you choose and wake up when you choose. Have a bath or don’t wash at all. Stay in or go out.

there will be lonely moments and times when adulting feels too hard, but those moments also occur inside a marriage- and if he isn’t the rock and stay that you thought he was, how can he support you through those desolate moments? Will he want to?

Imagine your life with him, and also without him. Picture it, write it down, describe it in vivid detail. And see which story appeals more to you.

I'm so sorry this is all so hard.

In one sense he is right that you all need to look forwards and move on from this but that doesn't necessarily mean together.

For him that means smoothing everything over, brushing it under the carpet and playing happy families whatever his true motivation is.
For you this needs to be about really assessing what you want and need.

You've tried and you can't (understandably) move past what he's done and how you feel about it and your relationship has not recovered and probably won't.

You don't feel important, you don't feel that you're the priority and that he stayed for you. Maybe that will change or he really is just biding his time and will go eventually anyway or they'll be other affairs.

Either way, you don't owe him your time, effort, pain and continued love.

You say you won't cope without him but you would and probably flourish and thrive.

As for your kids, they're little and they'll cope. Much better to have you both happier apart and forming new lives that nourish you.
I'm very against staying for the kids. It doesn't work usually and kids know.

Even if they don't know what's happening, they know when something isn't right and the home isn't a happy one.

I'm sorry OP. I know this is so hard. He's trying to minimise and dismiss what he did. He's not taken any responsibility for the magnitude of what he has done. He wants to have his cake and eat it by keeping the status quo and then have the freedom to go and do this to you again, or humiliating you by carrying on his affair with his grubby mistress. He doesn't seem in the least bit remorseful or repentant. I honestly wouldn't stay married to a man that had done this to me.
,

Maybe you feel like he’s settled for you and both of you should acknowledge that you are ALLOWING him to try to come back to you.
Is he trying to come back though? Is he trying to find ways to connect with YOU?

Everything you have known has been a mirage. For at least the past 2 years it hasn’t been a proper marriage. And who knows, she may not have been his first affair partner?

So when you say you hope it can be like that again, like what exactly? You blissfully in the dark whilst he does his own thing? Is that really what you want?

If you leave, you won’t be on your own forever. In all likelihood you’ll meet someone else. You’ll have your children.

I think you really do run the risk of him leaving one day anyway. And you will be older, children half way out of the door, and possibly half the woman you are today after years of the heartache of turning a blind eye.

You can cope on your own. To have gone through what you have the past 5 months I think you are probably stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I genuinely don’t think I can cope on my own.

In what way?

Do you know how to pay bills?
Do you know how to budget?
Do you know how to food shop?
Do you know how to cook?
Do you know how to do laundry?
Do you know how to bathe, interact and raise children?
Do you know how to talk to other people such as shop assistants, bus drivers, other school mums or are you mute/high anxiety?

I think you could cope, you just don't want to. And that is fine but the question needs to be asked - how much are you basing your decision on what you thought your marriage was rather than on what it actually is and has been?

It feels as though he's 'made the sacrifice' and given up the OW so now you need to play nicely and 'forget' it ever happened.
Your posts sound as though you're not going to be able to ever forget, and you might be able to forgive through gritted teeth. Maybe not!
I had a husband who frequently played away and I was supposed to ignore it as he gave me a nice lifestyle. The camel's back finally snapped with an incident and I knew things had to end. This necklace business sounds as though it might be your straw and camel. Don't stay with him for the children or because he browbeats/guilts you into it.

*I genuinely don’t think I can cope on my own. *@Spikyseason you are on your own.
He hasn't got your back,he's more interested in saving the ow.

What's the point in living in a sexless,souless marriage.
You'll always be wonderful what he's doing.
Plus he'll just get better at hiding his tracksuit.

You sound so down,I think you need to have someone you can talk to.

Apologies if I have missed the info on the thread but how old are your DCs, @Spikyseason ? I think this sometimes has a bearing on whether a split feels more or less manageable. You are in a position to afford help in the form of childcare if they are very young and they are less likely to ask awkward questions. If they are of an age when facing difficult exams and so on, I can see you might be more reluctant to break up a relationship. I don't mean any of this to sound cold or formal. You are in an awful position and I agree with others that he is doing the classic glossing over 'Nothing to see here! Everything is FINE!' And expecting you just to roll with every punch - past, present and future. Are you absolutely sure he has broken things off with the OW?

@friskybivalves DC are 9 and 7…

I know he broke things off but no idea if he contacted her again afterwards I suppose… (he called her in front of me, so if she didn’t know about me before she would have done by that point). I imagine she had some pre-warning before the phone call as he wasn’t speaking to her for too long and didn’t hear much of her side. She didn’t sound surprised though. Wasn’t a big emotional thing which perhaps in itself is odd.

I am sorry to say this OP, and remember you need time to process this, but from your description of how often he was away, working late, out with mates,whilst you were at home looking after the kids, you were already on your own.
He's not acting like the other half of a couple, even now. He's told you what suits him and you are expected to go along with it.
You've already coped magnificently with full time solo parenting for a large proportion of the time.

What about family and friends, I know you dont want to announce now until you've got your head around it, but these are people that will be there for you? And you can organise your own life the way you see fit, without this heartache still playing out, will he, won't he, does he care about me?What if I am 100 per cent better than previously, will that make a difference?

Freedom can be lonely, but it can also be very satisfying.

Everyday that you stay it’s a day where your heart breaks just a little bit more

you will never ever trust him again
when he has to work away / stay late at work your anxiety will be through the roof wondering where he is and with who- its no way to live

one day you will wake up and you won’t know who you are

you won’t be you anymore because he’s destroyed that old you bit by bit

I wouldn’t be too sure it’s over with OW. That call could have been staged.

There’s a thread on here where OP found her partner had gone to NZ to meet OW (said it was business trip). He came back and said it was over with OW. Then he spent a year secretly planning to go back. Got all the paperwork together and a job and just left one day.

Don’t be too naive OP. Get on top of all the financials. Get legal advice ASAP. He could be hiding all sorts from you while he prepares to leave.

I don’t think you spend £20k on someone that you can break it off with in a short call. I still wouldn’t rule out a 20k engagement ring to be honest. You should probably tell him you want £20k transferring to you as that was joint money you didn’t agree to spend.

Start helping yourself OP. He doesn’t have to know you’re seeing solicitors or looking into all the savings and pensions you have.

💐

@Spikyseason ffs this is heartbreaking, what an arsehole.

All I can say is please ask yourself, will YOU be happy? Will YOU ever be able to move on with your husband?
It really doesn’t sound like it to me. The children will survive, they are resilient. H will survive he will find ways to keep himself happy again I’m sure. You might not, you will drive yourself further into the ground beating yourself down with what ifs and feeling unwanted/unloved.

I believe in marriage, I believe in working through things but I also believe that life is short and everyone deserves to be happy and loved. If you walk away now I honestly don’t think you will feel much sadder than you do now. I think a weight will lift from your shoulders. I think that you will have a sense of freedom from all the horrible stress of this. Yes there will be horrible things to work out like shared custody but you will have the chance of a life, a chance to feel happy, free and loved.
I’m sure your H will then pull out the ‘I love yous’ to try and get you to stay but who knows if it’s for you or the kids. If it really is for you then he will feel some of the devastation you have felt, a lesson he deserves to learn.

Sadly this is what I think too

he said however he may have felt is irrelevant because he decided to stay and although he understands how I’m feeling, it’s in the past and we need to focus on looking to the future

I can’t stand this. Who does this arrogant prick think he is? God? Or just your owner?

OP, don’t let him tell you what he’s decided to do and how you have to obey him. Don’t let him give you orders. It’s not ‘in the past’ because he still treats you with contempt.

He gives her diamonds and gives you orders. You deserve better.

@Spikyseason I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm 7 month from discovery and can relate very much to your emotions.

obviously you need to make your own decisions but what helped me was to be scientific about it. I read a lot about the psychology of cheating and what it does to the victims.

my conclusion is cheating is abuse. you can not cheat without gaslighting. and gaslighting is recognised as abuse. the is the deception that is needed to cheat that damages you so deeply. he is forcing a false reality on to you, which is hugely damaging to your emotional state and your psychological wellbeing.

I remember to feel constantly confused, and so very busy making sense of loose ends and found messages and proof of lies and more lies and believing him. What I see now, looking back, there was never any sense to see. he lied: all. the. time. looked me in the eye and lied, not just about the affair but the smallest things. it scrambles your head, your reality is up side down and you cant think clearly because you are trying to see reason where there is non.

It works in his favour because this kind of fundamental gas lighting is so destabilising you can not make big decisions (like that you would be better of divorcing him) no, instead you ponder over the meaning of a necklace.
It doesn't matter what it meant or he meant. because he is abusing you.

Psycholosit Dr. Omar Minwalla has some models around why sexual betrayal is indeed a domestic abuse issue. worth a google.

Money wise - my stbx pissed away the entire amount set aside for a home extension on hotels and flights for his affair. TAX was the explanation, which I so desperately wanted to believe.

I feel for you and the stage of fog you are in. I sincerely wish you to break free and see how utterly cruel he is and that a better world awaits without him.

What is coming through from your posts is that you are deeply unhappy and understandably so.

But the more you post, you aren’t painting a picture of a man desperate to make amends to his wife for the hurt he’s caused and the recognition that it’s you he absolutely loves and wants to do everything to avoid losing you.

But with each of your posts and now the final admittance that you’re terrified of being on your own it’s all making more sense of where you’re at, at the moment.

Of course you’re scared of being on your own. That’s fine to admit. But honestly your life would be ok, you would deal with it, you would grow into a new person, you would take the hand you’d been dealt and would use it to build a new future.
Just because something has always been a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean it has to remain so for the future.

But you will trap yourself if you don’t open your mind to the possibility of a future that could be different. A future where he still is a person of immense value as the father of your children, but not your husband.

Trapping yourself by being too scared to move forward and live a life of uncertainty, anxiety and confusion constantly wondering if he feels trapped and is seeking solace elsewhere really is not a desirable lifestyle.

If you were to separate, you would cope. It would be scary. It would take time to adjust. But you can do it and be happy, but you would need to be brave. But perhaps better to be brave than be scared and subject yourself to sadness and conflict and fear and anxiety.

The other issue with you stating (incorrectly) that you don’t think you can cope on your own is that you may well be giving this message back to him.

If he is reading loud and clear that you don’t want to be on your own, though you would not be as you would have your children, this then gives him sadly the impression that you will accept unsatisfactory treatment and situations just to avoid splitting up. That really is an awful imbalance within a relationship.

Very possibly you could be straight back in this current situation a few months or years down the line.

As I said before, you've made it quite clear that you're only staying for the kids too. So why the hyperfocus on his motivation?

You two no longer seem to love, like, or respect each other. You know he wants something else yet you're gritting your teeth and going through the motions anyway. Sounds like a combination of fear and trauma bonding to me.

What a miserable life it'll be if you stay - for everyone, your kids too.