Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

What are you hoping for if you leave her?

also sounds like you don’t have children?

You don’t sound happy-I would leave. Presumably you haven’t got kids?

No kids. That does make the decision easier.

use her money and do all the hobbies and house renovations you want and dream of, build a man cave and don't leave her? Simplify your mindset? Start going abroad?

You say you love her. Do you think she loves you?

Life is too short to be unhappy. I respect that you're planning to simply be honest about this and part ways, rather than do something damaging and disrespectful like an affair. Some time apart at the minimum sounds wise, maybe some couples counselling, but you're also more than allowed simply to call it a day, for any reason. Best of luck

Have you told her you're thinking of leaving the marriage as it is not fulfilling for you?

Would you both consider counselling.

To be honest, you seem to come second to her career. Does she understand that's the position you're in? Does she appreciate you're unwilling to remain like this?

Sorry, you took six months out from running your business to deal with one domestic issue?
I would love to hear your wife's side of the story.

I left my then husband because he was work obsessed and I never saw him.
I have never regretted it.

What will you gain by leaving that you don't have now? You will still be solely responsible for a household as you will be alone and you won't have her there to do any of these things with at any point in the future.
You can do all the things you want to do without leaving her, albeit still alone or with friends/family.
I get the feeling it's past that though, that it's the way she makes you feel? And if you feel you'd be happier alone, then yes, you should probably leave. It's not necessarily that you will be practically better off, but emotionally better off.
Unfortunately only you can make this decision.
An honest conversation with your wife is much needed here. She may well think you're bluffing in order to 'get your way'. You just need to sure you aren't.

Of course you can leave for whatever reason you want.

Questions to ask yourself, can income from your business support you without her contributions?

Would you have to lower your standard of living drastically and I'd this worth staying to try to make it work.

Is it worth a last ditch effort/ultimatum/councilling for your own peace of mind if nothing else before leaving?

Perhaps seeing a solicitor will help to answer questions about financials in the case of devorce. I would guess that as the lower earner you might get more joint assets so you can house yourself equally but this isn't a given especially if there are no children and 50/50 is more realistic a starting point.

If you want a life companion, someone who spends quality time with you, then you probably do need to divorce and attempt to find someone else. Your wife seems to have shown little interest in being that person.

That's not the easiest thing to do though, middle aged dating is a minefield, so don't imagine you'll divorce her and have a queue of lovely ladies waiting to date you.

However, if you've consistently asked your wife to spend more time with you and be a more present partner and she's refusing to do that, and she's making you more unhappy than happy, then yes, leaving may be the only answer.

I can't help thinking that if this was a woman on this post they would get loads of messages saying LTB.

Her not picking you up after your op is awful regardless of whether it's minor or not. She said she'd be there so she should have prioritised it.

A therapist i listen to a lot often says in these situations someone needs to be willing to (metaphorically) turn the big light on in the room, switch off the background distractions and have a real hard honest conversation about your relationship and its future. Tell her in advance you want to speak to her to give her time to formulate her thoughts and you need to go into it knowing what you want from it, your hard lines and mean what you say.

With no kids, what are you waiting for? Just leave you’ve nothing to lose.

@ExasperatedHusband , I think it does because you don’t have them to consider.
Did you want children? It doesn’t sound as if your wife has space in her life for them.
Do you know what specifically you want from your wife, have you laid that on the line to her? Have you given her a time limit in which to change?
It’s very sad because you clearly love her and she probably loves you. She’s behaving like a lot of successful men do and there may be a lot of pressure for her to do so.
Life is very short and you are still young enough to start again. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

If there are no children it’s a no brainer. Her work is more important to her than you. Leave.

Women in this situation often have children and are the default everything by necessity. Before children I don’t remember there being the huge weight of responsibility that you describe.

Wow. Thank you! A lot of very helpful comments. In answer to some of those:

• Yes, I believe she loves me.
• Counselling has been discussed, but never seriously. I would consider it and I think she would.
• Money - I'm financially secure in my own right as is she and honestly I couldn't care less on that front as whatever happened we'd both be fine.
• Yes, I have told her many times that I am deeply unhappy.
• Dating afterwards is something I've not even thought about or know if I even want.
• As some of you picked up, the way I feel is a big part of the problem. Lawyers can be so cold and clinical. She is much better after a few days on holiday and starts to relax.
• What am I hoping to get out of this? How will my life be better? Those questions I need to think about.

I understand OP. My husband is a lawyer, occasionally working until 1am and sometimes all weekend too. It’s annoying and eventually the attraction does start to wane. I can’t imagine a long term future with him now because we have no connection anymore. We have a child together, which makes it all much harder.

Taking 6 months off seems excess but leaving that aside.

Is she aware that her marraige is at risk?
Is she going to partner and that excessive workload will reduce over time?
Would she consider being an in-house lawyer working more regular hours?

Does she actually want to save your marraige?

In her profession she will be under immense pressure to work long hours. It's not really a choice unless she changes jobs and accepts pay cut that comes with it. If she's not close to retirement age then leaving her job will not only mean simpler life but also smaller pension, less stability and waste of her talents. It's not a straightforward decision.
I agree with previous posters that honest conversation and ideally some counselling would be helpful.

You need to be very honest with her about how serious this is.
If she is unwilling to change then I would leave. You don't have kids, that makes it somewhat easier.

You can try counseling if she is willing and you think it could help. But from the way you describe her, it sounds like your current lifestyle suits her.

Don't waste your life being unhappy!

I need to explain the 6 months off as a number of you are picking up on it. That time was to deal with a legal matter related to our house. It involved me attending court 13 times, and a vast amount of prep, lawyer, expert witness time etc. behind the scenes. It's ironic that even this issue I had to deal with entirely despite it being a legal matter, because again she was too busy.

To be honest the hospital non-pick up told you all you need to know about the state of your relationship. That would have been a deal breaker for me prioritising work over a partner who is suffering, how hard is it to go pick up your partner after surgery and taking a couple of hours off for once?

Ask yourself if you still want to be living like this is 5 years time? I doubt you do but how will it change if you don't do something about it?

It never hurts to check on your finances and consider what moves you would need to take, get therapy, get advice, and/or have a quiet property hunt. You don't have to leave even after you've looked into or organised those things if you choose not to, it can be a helpful exercise to discover what you really want.

You can leave any relationship you want for any reason you like. It's not working for you, doesn't sound like she is willing to change, but you can effect a change in your life by not putting up with it anymore, if you want to.

If you're deeply unhappy, and there's no signs that the things that are making you unhappy are about to change, then you have to make a decision. Personally, I wouldn't want to live in a relationship like that. She really is taking you for granted- if you weren't there, she'd have to do a whole lot more domestically. It sounds very unequal.
If I was in your shoes, I'd leave. Life's too short. You will probably feel relief if that happens