Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

So your suggestion to his dilemma is what?

OP, I was once married to a man who behaved exactly the same as your wife.
Not only was he totally obsessed with work, his job frequently took him overseas, sometimes for several weeks at a time and on the occasions that he was at home, he was constantly distracted by work phone calls and emails.
The only time he attempted to wind down was on holiday, and even then he would be jittery about what was going on at work 🙄. One of the holidays we went on was interrupted for four days when he had to fly back to London for a meeting with lawyers (work related) - I stayed put and he did return to the resort but was very distracted for the remainder of the holiday.

Any attempt by me to have a conversation about our marriage was met with a brick wall. Basically I just felt used as a cook, housekeeper and admin assistant and kept everything going at home. Admittedly he earned good money and was good at his job which provided a very good lifestyle but it came with a heavy price.

Eventually he had an affair with his secretary which I got to find out about and I filed for divorce. At that point, let's face it, he was seeing far more of his secretary than me and as far as I was concerned our marriage was over.

Money, and everything it buys is great, but from this experience I learned that there is far more to life than being with someone who really only cares about himself.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP but there are other ladies out there who would also appreciate a more balanced relationship too. There is such a thing as compromise and I fear that is not going to happen in your current situation.

I've seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything.

Understand they might, but it is very unlikely that they are happy with their situation. I've seen loads of threads on MN from people who are extremely unhappy at playing second fiddle to their partner's job.

There are many threads on here from people whose partner spends their whole time either working or pursuing their important hobbies and have no time whatsoever for their other half or family life. They put work, money and hobbies above all else.

You are far from alone in feeling this way, and you are totally justified in having had enough of it.

It sounds like you are very unhappy. If you still love her and would want to be with her if she changed tell her before you decide to divorce. Good luck.

This.

The OP didn’t want the time off and he took the time off when his wife who could have helped did nothing. He said his job will support him financially, at what point do you think that deserves being called a ‘little job’? There’s no such things as ‘big jobs’ that’s what people call their careers to make themselves feel important.

This isn’t just about domestic distribution, it’s about someone who feels like they aren’t getting everything they want out of a relationship, like their partner isn’t with them enough. And that’s an okay feeling to have and it’s okay to say you want more. Don’t belittle someone for feeling like their relationship is struggling.

I think you need to leave. It doesn't sound as if she wants to change at all. She sounds cold and uncaring too.
Yes, it's very hard work being a corporate lawyer but it is possible to be much more involved in domestic life than she is and essential if you have children, which, fortunately, you don't.

I’m in a similar position (as you, with a workaholic DH).
Can you suggest a trial separation?
She needs to realise you’re seriously unhappy.

There is 3 of you in this marriage. And finally you have decided that you don’t want to be the third wheel anymore.

Just go - at worst if you want to come back you probably could as she’d still be doing exactly the same as now and no time for dating!!

Seems absolutely ridiculous to spend your life working this hard when you can’t take the money with you.

It sounds like a no brainer to split as you’re just incompatible I think. At least if you instigate it she has the option to change. As you’ve no kids that does make things simpler. I’d think about what you would want ideally and give her a serious ultimatum with a view to leaving if it doesn’t happen.

She’s obviously a brilliant lawyer, but she’s a bloody awful wife.

@BunnyLake I don't have one other than for him to leave if he's that hard done to. But sometimes people want the kudos, comfort and security of being with a high earner; they want the ability to do a little business that may or may not make much money and they want the ability to take 6 months off work to sort a problem. But people who earn those big incomes quite often have to work hard for them. Perhaps the DW here would like to sit on her arse with a hobby job and be supported by the OP but has a fuck off mortgage, legal disputes with neighbours and an expensive DH to fund!

This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”.

I suspect it’s this and I can absolutely see it taking six months to sort.

I couldn’t be with someone who failed to prioritise having a good work -life balance. You deserve more.

Your wife seems oblivious to you and I'm sorry to say yes, I think you should leave. One day we're all be dust and we mustn't waste our time here. If she doesn't come round within a month or so after you've left you'll know she'll never change. Take care :)

This almost feels like a reverse. This was the way of things for many women, for a long time - always picking up the slack, full mental load, all the life admin, whilst the man does his job (which is demanding on his time).

In this scenario the wife sounds like a workaholic. The dynamic isn't working.

OP, you love her but you don't seem to ever actually have any quality time together- maybe you love the image of her you've created?
If there are no children involved then it would be easy enough for you to leave and enjoy your life.

Because she was too busy being a lawyer.... Isn't that kind of OP's point?!?

It will never change. Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?

She is in a career that if she wanted to cut back , could she realistically? No probably not. .

There is nothing worse than being in a Relationship and you are lonelier than if you were single.

You will be miserable when you first split but you can go on and build your own life doing all your stuff you like .

If you were a women , you would be told you only get one life and if your dh can’t put you first then leave .

the fact she wouldn’t pick you up from the hospital is a big red flag, I’d seriously be considering whether she loves you in the way you want her to. I do think you need to have a serious conversation bout whether the relationship is working for you both.

I think either just leave or if you want to give it a last shot, arrange marriage counselling and tell her to come. If she doesn’t show much interest or doesn’t turn up then that’s it.

How old are you OP?

I agree, law is long,long hours. Either leave or stay but don't expect the job to change.

Is she choosing to be busy or is it just the nature of her job? Either way, if you're not happy you're not happy. You don't need permission to leave the relationship.

I'm not a lawyer, we do have kids and I think l do a bit more around the house than OPs wife but otherwise could plausibly be me.

I have a big career type of job and it takes up lots of time. Weekday evenings are largely a write off. I am tired an awful lot.

However on the other side

• DH's business has never needed to turn much of a profit because I earn reliable money to support us. Therefore he can enjoy doing what he loves although it's poorly paid. Without me I think he'd have had to give it up.
• DH has barely paid into a pension. He doesn't have to as mine is final salary
• DH standard of living is higher than it would be if his was the main wage/ we were equal and he is happy to enjoy that.
• DH does not need to do much budgeting or financial planning which he is bad at as I do it all and finance it all.

So OP if you are sure you'd be happier without her and her money then by all means leave. Spousal maintenance is not really a thing these days though..