Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

You’ve had a lot of good advice on here. One thing I would add is that a busy corporate life can be all consuming, and the workplace is a bubble. Everyone she works with will be in the same boat, and it’s easy to feel that that’s just how life is when you’re in the thick of it. Do you think she’d be open to taking a sabbatical for a few months so that you have some time to reconnect and to give her a bit of distance from the bubble so that she can see her life and how she’s spending it more clearly?

Oh OP I can hear the upset coming through from this post. I’m so sorry but I think that you need to do what’s best for you because I really don’t think your wife is. If you’d been together 5 years I’d say maybe suck it up a bit longer but 20 is a long time and we all know how fast the time flies as you get older. I think you will meet someone wonderful down the line and it will make you realise how skewed your wife's attitude to workactually is. She is a workaholic! And I think that only can come from her own sense of inadequacy. I don’t even think I’d give her a final ultimatum, I’d just tell her you e had enough and go. These things have a habit of lookingfar clearer when you’re out of them. Best of luck!

I’ve no idea if you should leave your wife. But I’m a lawyer at a relatively large firm and single parent to two children. I work hard but I also log off at 5 most days to put my children to bed (sometimes logging back on later), I can’t work weekends because I’m looking after my children and I have to take time off when my children are sick etc. I’ll probably make partnership in the next few years and our partners make 200k+ and much higher at the top end.

Your wife may work at a more demanding firm than me but there are options within law if she chooses them, including options where you still make good money and get good work. Many women manage a demanding law career alongside family commitments. But you need to be ruthlessly efficient and prioritise stuff which really matters (and maybe change firm if you’re an associate at a US firm in London). It’s always going to be hard work but doesn’t need to completely obliterate your personal life. It can however be very difficult to scale down your hours and say no to things unless you have a compelling reason.

I agree. Leaving him to get a taxi home from having surgery is unforgivable in my book.

Commendably honest, sad and frank confession!

It won’t get better and you aren’t happy with how it is. You could try counselling and agreeing some boundaries, but otherwise cut losses and leave; keep it amicable, if possible.

My best friend died suddenly after 20+ years of neglect at the hands of a partner he "loved". He never got the chance to live their shared dream, and when he died that was so hard to accept.

Go live your life, do and see things while you can, because there will come a day when you can't. The thought of leaving her will grow harder, people become complacent. Maybe when she sees you truly 'living' she'll realise that life is short and that she wants to share some joy with you, but if she doesn't then maybe you'll be lucky enough to meet someone else who does. There's nothing more lonely and soul-destroying than being with someone who doesn't see you. Go and find your smile.

If I was in your shoes, I think I could probably swallow the household burden etc. But I would find it very difficult to accept my partner not driving me home after an operation when they said they would. I’ve been in her situation and it is difficult BUT you need to draw boundaries. Firms will always take as much as they can and the people who were happiest were strong enough to say no when they needed to. Could you try explaining to her that you are seriously thinking of leaving if there isn’t some reporitising. I’d suggest some executive coaching for her to see if she can feel more empowered to draw the lines at work as well as some marriage guidance for you both. I think people fall into a trap of thinking they are lesser if they say no, in fact I think that it is often the opposite. At some point she is at serious risk of a mental health breakdown with such a toxic approach. She should also think of the example she is setting for juniors - most people could simply not work like that because they wouldn’t have a partner picking up the slack.

If kids were involved, yes - probably. But there are no kids so it's different.

I think the problem here is the two of you are emotionally mis-matched. The marriage works perfectly well for your wife because her emotional needs are less and her brain is kept busy with her job and its enough for her to go on holiday now and again and enjoy your company to the full but that doesn't work so well for you. You need more of an emotional connection throughout, not just on holiday. Neither is wrong but it is a mis-match and to work, there needs to be compromise on both sides. I do think you should push to see a couples therapist though and see where that takes you. You summed up your feelings perfectly in your post so why not write it all down for your wife to read, it might help her realise the seriousness seeing it in writing first. It's less likely to be an argument and then arrange a therapist. Good luck. I really hope it works out for you but you do deserve to be happy

It sounds like her career comes before you and she is unwilling to make any compromise.

That's unlikely to change so OP I would make plans to leave.

Life is short and I would not want to be in a relationship where I feel lonely, ignored and just used as an admin support...

My heart goes out to you bc I relate. Took some counselling sessions and figured out my partners first love is their career. Accepting that helped me. Without any changes from her would you continue?
Expect little changes that are sustainable long term, that is a harsh reality. Law is competitive and stepping down probably means stepping out due to the high demand of time and critical thinking needing outside typical office hours.
sounds like you want a companion and she is too busy for you.
The Children Act is on Netflix I think, and portraying your life right now. It’s sad and a harsh reality.

You have different life priorities. I married and we've found out along the way that we work to live not live to work. We don't have a huge house or fancy car or fancy holidays but we have loads of free time. We both used to have well-paid jobs with long hours but we were never in it for the long term. I know my DH will always have time to attend hospital visits with me.

I think you deserve someone who matches what you want in life. Or at least have the opportunity to try. Your wife clearly has different life goals to you. There is nothing wrong with what she wants - it just doesn't match with what you consider is important. I don't know if you can change that - or if you would want to.

You don't have children. I am unclear on what sacrifices you are making and why these are on behalf of your wife.

I get the feeling much of your life can be outsourced. You do not need to undertake massive domestic projects for her - drop the rope. Focus on your needs, your work and career. Be less available.

Post this again with genders swapped and note the difference in replies.

If you both truly love eachother then please make some time to see a marriage counsellor. Do this first before making any decisions.

You should actually read the post I quoted. I don't disagree with what you said but he also needs to accept he is also probably one of those men who likes the idea of his high flying solicitor wife (in theory) but nit the reality of what that means.

Thats OK.He doesn't have to stay. He says he loves her and as I said before don't make an ultimatum he may regret if the reality is he doesn't want her to accept the marriage is over if his goal isn't for that but to get her to give up her career .

I could have written your post, but I am female. Also long term marriage, child free, independently successful (not financially to same extend as DH but would be happy in smaller house etc) and realised my marriage wasn’t meeting my needs. Felt like the one who just fits in around someone else’s life.
we outsource or split most domestic chores (how long does loading a dishwasher take? She can do that!).
I know my husband will never change his work commitments and he would resent me if he did. I am trying to understand if carving out time around his career (he normally has some time free at weekends) is sufficient if we really connect. I have just started seeing a counsellor. Good luck, I hope there’s a happy ending whatever that may be,

To add to the above - there may be some compromise, I think the evidence suggests she doesn’t really want to pull back on her career which is fair, but in my view, marriage is a team game, not a solo sport. I’d focus on what is most important to you, for me it is connection, but I also know the value of a countryside dream - we moved to the countryside (within commuting distance) and I love it and wouldn’t move back. Other dreams I have let go of to be with DH and that’s ok, that’s a choice for the team.

I was that person once. I appreciate (and knew at the time) that the exhausting hours I was doing would lead to a relationship break-up. I now have a much more manageable job, a fresh relationship, and am in a much better place. Life is (now) fantastic on all fronts. Your partner can change - but maybe needs a clear message and timeline - give her one last chance.

this means he can just sign off without even telling her, he should tell her his intentions

Not in the world I live in! I know lots of people earning 60k plus - and some much more than that- and they do a solid 35 -37 hours but no more than this in the general run of things. And they have time in the evenings to occasionally meet friends for a walk or movie, ferry children around, volunteer, etc. The OP's wife's schedule is not normal and should not be normalised.

I like this. Life is never all good or all bad. There are lots of compromises in marriage and it's nice to live in a nice house, in a nice place, have friends and no money worries. And be with someone you love and get on with. Even if they spend way too much time at work.

Any job paying a whopping 60k salary would have a high degree of responsibility. People working those jobs do not work fixed hours.

Fixed hours of less than 40 hours a week would generally be operator or technician jobs, where people have low responsibility and clock in and out at fixed times.

Unfortunately that’s the nature of being a lawyer - long hours. Would you miss the financial stability?

Do really think this through. The grass always looks greener. You could stay together and focus more on your needs. More hobbies and time for yourself for example. And also with regards to other things at home, sometimes people get used to the other person doing it, so I’d experiment by simply stopping to see if they pick it up.

Sounds like you’ve been a fantastic partner to her though OP, you’ve been loyal and supported her career. I wish you all the best, and if a more fulfilling and present relationship is what you are needing, then have a serious conversation about your needs, set an ultimatum, and consider leaving if by after a certain deadline there has been no change or action x Change can take time x