Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

If things are that bad do you really need a bunch of strangers to validate your decision.

I think its unlikely anything will change, she knows you are deeply unhappy and hasn’t done anything about it. Perhaps she can’t, apart from leave the job, which she clearly doesn’t want to do. Do yourself a favour and leave now rather than staying and being unhappy, and years down the line wishing you had left.

As a last ditch attempt to save it would be counseling. But I'd tell her if she missed a single session then it's over. I do not believe she will make time for more than one session and then you'll have your definitive answer.

How can someone do spectacularly miss the point of a post?

it seems to have touched a nerve with you @THisbackwithavengeance

He took 6 months off because he owns his own business.

You sound unhealthily concerned with career status and money but even so you’ve chosen to ignore repeatedly that he is successful in his own right. Or do you think the partner who earns less is automatically unsuccessful and a gold digger?

Not picking you up after surgery shows you where you fit in her priorities. Life is too short to be unhappy and unfulfilled and after 20 years its unlikely to change.

It does seem she prioritises her job over her relationship with you. Whether she values it more than you, or just has found a way to prioritise it and take everything else for granted as it always gets sorted, who knows, you can only judge the behaviour.

If you don't want to continue like this, and you can only see being happy if she changes, unfortunately I don't think it will happen, given you have already expressed what your thoughts are and nothing changed.

It's not a moral judgement - big sacrifices for big money or other motivation is a perfectly valid choice, but doesn't make it right for everyone.

If you aren't going to be struggling financially.... Life is long but you only get one go round, and the world has a lot to offer, so don't let it pass you by.

@ThePure your post made me a bit sad - do you really think these things make up for having a disengaged spouse who shows no interest in being a partner to you?

OP, I agree with the posters who have said you can leave a relationship for any reason. So you don't need anyone's approval on here or reassurance that it's 'bad enough' (although for what it's worth, it's a dynamic I've seen a lot of as an ex Big Law associate and it's not something I would want for myself).

But I would echo people who have said not to jump into things. The reality is you don't know what your life will be like if you leave the relationship (and it probably won't be a straightforward 'better' or 'worse' - like everything in life, it will have its pros and its cons). There is no guarantee of happiness either way.

Given you do love your wife and believe she loves you, I would personally want to be really sure and feel I had tried my utmost to fix things. I'd suggest a serious conversation and both individual and couples counselling with a view to trying to fix things for a few months and seeing if anything changes. If not, you will go away feeling sure in your decision. I also think that how you end a relationship matters and you will probably feel better knowing that you had been fair to her and given her real warning that unless things change the end is coming, rather than blindsiding her.

Find a Gottman trained counsellor and try some counselling sessions.

Download the book ‘Seven principles for making marriage work’. I read it every year and wish I had found it earlier. Amazing book! Ask her to read it too. Then do his dates book.

And don’t forget about the importance of seeing a family lawyer; getting your ducks in a row financially and making sure you get 50% of everything….

You only live once. Wouldn't you rather have love and affection?

You are in your 40s? As a solvent, respectable person with presumably decent appearance, articulate, handy around the house, willing to share the mental load, adventuresome, you will have your pick of literally thousands of women on the dating scene. Single men like that are like a needle in a haystack.

You can remain friends with your wife but build the life you dream of with someone else. Not all marriage are meant to last forever.

Thank you to everyone who has replied including those who have been critical of me.

When an issue like this has been festering for a long time it starts to become impossible to view things objectively any more. Friends can help, but sometimes a stranger’s opinion is more valuable. I’m not the type to go on forums, but have found this extremely helpful.

I am in a fortunate position in many ways as there are no children and we are both financially secure in our right. I feel very sorry for those with young children in this situation.

We are not at the end of the road yet, and so I think we should at least give counselling a try, perhaps with some private sessions for me first to get my priorities and needs clear as some of you have suggested. I am less clear on that front than I thought I was.

I know this scenario is normally the other way round, so I hope this thread can help any other men out there who might be in the same situation as me.

Sounds utterly miserable. Not picking you up from hospital was a really shitty thing to do. I don't blame you for wanting to end your marriage, and given there are no DC this seems very reasonable.

All I'd suggest is think carefully about what your life will be like single again and if you feel relief, that's a pretty good sign post. Good luck.

OP, she doesn't care about you, she cares about her career. You're just there to take care of the irritating things that would distract her from the only thing that matters. If it wasn't you it would be someone else. Anyone else.

Those answering by suggesting "what would you have on your own that you don't have now"... I'll tell you what; The freedom to meet someone who has time, energy and inclination for an actual relationship.

Her failure to pick you up after your surgery would have been the final trigger for me. She showed you her hand there. Don't be tricked by her suggestion that it will change in future. This future will never come, in fact, if she makes partner she'll be more "important" than ever.

Leave, before you're too old to start again.

I don't know if it makes up for an entirely disengaged spouse as I am not entirely disengaged. I do love DH. I would pick him up from hospital FWIW, I do nearly all the cooking, laundry and household finances and I arrange things he'd like occasionally so it's perhaps not entirely the same

I am much less available than a SAHP or someone with the kind of job he has though and it is weird that it's OK and normal when that's the man and 'a bit sad' if it's the woman. Women choose a high salary, better standard of living and secure pension over a more domestically engaged spouse all the time. Maybe some men do too.

In our case DH loves his work. It's his passion, he would do it for free and he never wants to give it up but it is not profitable really certainly he does not make enough to support a family as main wage earner. It's a significant benefit to him for him to be able to do that job because of my money.

I think a really big issue here is what sound like repeated assurances that a some point in the future things will settle down at work and she'll have more time for your life together. But this never materialises and you have come to realise that it almost definitely never will, whilst she is working. It's not fair on you to give you that false hope, it's not the same as saying "this is how I am and how things are going to be, take it or leave it." I suppose it's wishful thinking on her part but it's not okay. You must have felt so sad and let down by the hospital situation, I'm really sorry you went through that. Everyone needs to feel valued and cared for. I think you should give couples counselling a go (if she can make the time for it!) as that should help her to understand your perspective and for it to become clear to you how to proceed. Best of luck, you sound like a sweet person.

Does she love you, or does she love having you around to take all the mental and household load off her so that she can work?

If you suggested counselling would she actually attend, or would something at work be more important?

I suggest a temporary separation, at least six months. Either she won't miss you, in which case you have your answer, or when she has to do it all herself she'll realise and come to appreciate just how much you do and be willing to talk.

But my feeling is that you (singular) can't go on like this. The fact that you're thinking about leaving says that resentment is creeping in, however much you may not realise it or want to admit it. And that will eat away any love you feel for her.

I’m glad you responded to this poster because I was trying to think what to say. I don’t really understand this poster to be honest.

If your wife made more time and space in her life for you and her job was no longer the unending priority, would you stay?

If this is a yes for you then I would at least try couples therapy for a few months. Relationships can be absolutely transformed. But you need to find a good therapist - I would meet with at least three initially and see which one you both ‘gel’ with the most. For a fly-on-the-wall insight into how couples therapy can work, take a look at the BBC show of the same name.

Wishing you lots of luck with getting to a happier place - you sound like a thoughtful person who loves their wife.

It's difficult because this is her career and big careers are time consuming. She has a boss to answer to and a company to impress. However, it's not all about the money - My husband and I barely saw one another in the past because we were being slammed with work. After some mental health struggles I realised that this man is my rock, my best friend, and we could not buy the time with one another, we could not buy back lost time, or future time. That is one big thing I've learned- There are things that money cannot do and that is they cannot pay for some of the most important parts of our lives. It definitely cannot buy happiness! The happiness it does pay for is fleeting.

We now have a balanced life with less income, but we have a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, car, clothing, and copious amounts of time with each other and our children.

Sit down and tell her what you want from life and ask her if she wants the same thing. Ask her if she can compromise and work less hours and if you can also cut down your hours/offer to financially support her instead.

Make this your ultimatum talk and give her some time and change to change - If she doesn't and she's aware you will leave; then that's a choice she's made and the consequences she's also chosen.

It sounds like you still love her but something needs to change to create the balance you need.

I’d make it clear to her that you’re thinking of leaving so she realises just how bad things are for you. Then I’d suggest marriage counselling where you can really talk through where your marriage has got to and what you need to stay in the marriage and how much she is really able and willing to compromise to make it work.

It might be that those two things don’t align and therefore you both realise that separating is the only solution. You should go in accepting that might be the case.

For example, going part time might not be an option in her field. She’s spent all those years building up her career and so she might not be willing to sacrifice all the work she’s put in by stepping back. She might be willing to take a career break but it might not be something her employer supports.

You should also keep in mind that the men she works with probably have stay at home wives who do even more than you at home with minimal complaint so by comparison she probably already has it tougher than her male peers and that’s why such demanding careers are rarely open to women. She might feel by comparison she does a lot more at home than her colleagues. But ultimately, you haven’t signed up to be a stay at home husband and the marriage needs to work for you both.

I think that she’s saying it’s sad, no matter what sex, because you seem to be advocating for financial benefits over emotional. It’s great that your DH is happy that you fund him and allow him to have a cute hobby job, but the OP here has said he’s not happy, it’s not working for him and, not only that, he’s financially secure and successful in his own right (unlike your DH), so the same considerations don’t apply. No one is saying that this is ok or normal if it is the man and many many women on this thread have said that when it’s the man, they’ve left and never looked back. I say this as a City lawyer who is the main earner in my house. If my husband stayed with me for purely financial motives, I’d be devastated.

Don’t think she loves you. She loves her work. Her work is her partner. Full stop.

No job should stop a loving partner from picking their partner up after surgery. No kids makes it s no brainer. I'd leave her. She's extremely selfish.

OP, it sounds as if you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your wife. Clearly, the lifestyle you have just cannot go on.

While I'm not familiar with the life of a lawyer, it does seem to me that your wife should be able to insist to her boss that her caseload is lightened. Nobody should have to work the way you describe, except perhaps at the start of a career when we're all young and single and have no domestic life.

If she cannot scale back her workload somewhat, would she consider taking a lesser-paid but more balanced job at a different type of law firm?

If it's just her work that's pulling you apart, this is totally fixable. But she has to work with you to fix it, and the first step towards that is you getting it through her head how unhappy you are and that change MUST happen. And the onus is on you to get through to her. You will have to communicate hard and clear, and make sure she hears you. That's the first step. Do not let her brush you off or shy away. It's imperative that you make her hear you, really hear you. That's your part.

Then she can consider how she wants to go forward.

Best of luck.

Your life sounds miserable just do what you think best for you at this point.