Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

It's the nature of her job. I am assuming she isn't yet a partner and is chasing promotion. I don't think threatening to leave will make a difference so don't give any ultimatums you aren't prepared to see through.

This. Spot on.

Life’s too short and you sound very unhappy.

We all have a breaking point and it sounds like you are close to yours.

If you love her (which you say you do…)

I would not call it a day until you’ve had 6 months or so of marriage counselling and really clearly asked her for what you need. Ie real change

it’s clear you need some significant changes to stay (which aren’t unreasonable asks imo) I’d see if you can work on that before ending it forever

I think you need to take some time out of doing all the household chores and do something you enjoy. Whether that's joining a gym and socialising there, going to the football or whatever. Why not get a cleaner to sort the house, do the washing and ironing? Order the shopping online. Make your own life easier.

I think you need to spend time working on yourself before you make a decision you may regret.

After working in the legal profession for 20-odd years, I appreciate how hard it is especially as a female in the industry. There's always networking, socialising, work to get through etc, etc. I left the profession as I wanted kids (am definitely an older mum) and couldn't be happier. It wasn't the life for me - but it may be the one your wife thrives on.

Take time for yourself and see how you feel in say six months times. You might find that when you both then spend time together it's great again; because you're in a better place mentally.

Good luck with it all!

I think even if you are busy as people being there to support one another through sickness is a non negotiable. There is no point in a relationship if you don't feel the other person is there for you at your rare time of need.
I also agree that if the sexes were reversed there would be a long list of LTB responses.

It doesn’t sound as though you feel fulfilled in this relationship, in your situation I would probably give one last ultimatum that things needed to change and if it didn’t would end the relationship.

"Counselling has been discussed, but never seriously. I would consider it and I think she would"

Given that you are in such a quandry, it does sound like you would benefit from counselling on your own to help you work out what exactly it is you actually want, given that you say you still love her. What changes could be made by both of you that would make you rethink?

At the same time, I feel that it might be unfair to spring this on her ready made when it might take her by surprise and she won't have had time to really consider what she wants or what changes she would be happy with... so its a bit tricky. She should also have counselling.... Maybe there is some leeway in her career that she might want to make which could have an impact on the situation. It's hard though if she is very successful for her to take a step back. But perhaps she too has been thinking about quality of life and ways to improve the work life balance. Is she overloaded at work. Could she get an assistant or a junior to help? Or wfh.

You mention you do most of the chores, but she does cook sometimes. How bad can this be? I'm sure she loads the dishwasher occasionally or sticks some washing in the machine. You don't have children to mess up the house, you are both well off so you don't have to scrimp and save. The litigation you mentioned which took up time is finished - so thats no longer an issue and both of you benefitted from that. Would things like, eating out together more to cut the shopping and cooking and give you both time together or employing people to help, a cleaner at the very least, make a difference?

No, she obviously loves her job more

you love her, she loves you and you have a comfortable life together. There is a lot to be said for this and I would hope your wife can see this and willingly give you more of her time.
Clearly however you are unhappy, Someone above suggested you look at properties, think about how you will socialise and with who. What would your evenings, weekends, holidays look like? If this future excites you, you have your answer. Wishing you all the best

Sounds awful, in my opinion. Leave and enjoy your life. I'd rather be alone than be with someone married to their job.

I’m a female lawyer (full confession!) but actually for me it’s my husband who works the excessive hours in the finance industry. After putting the hours in when I was more junior at a silver circle and then a white shoe US firm I took a step down in the type of firm and accepted a partnership position. I now have much more control over my workload and a lovely work life balance for our family.

Could you discuss with your wife her making a similar sort of move so you get more time together? I am not rocking the Chambers & Partners rankings but feel my current role is my reward for the 15 years of hard graft I did.

But you should seriously consider counselling before calling it a day. Even if you ultimately decide to part ways, it will be a useful experience.

Well, it’s interesting to see the roles reversed.
And interesting you don’t find it acceptable because women are usually told they should be appreciative of all the sacrifices their workaholic dh is doing himself. After all, working endless hours like this is not a walk in the park either.

Having said that, my answer to you is the same than what I would give to a woman.
If your needs aren’t met, then you leave.
If you still have hope things can change, then maybe suggest couple counselling.
But be aware that your dwife has a job she finds rewarding and important. She clearly gets a lot of pleasure/reward/ ego boosting from doing that so, just like any other very successful lawyer/business person/high achieving person ,she isn’t likely to stop happily.
On paper, she should accommodate you and your needs. She should not take you for granted. But in the other side, you’ve also be happy to play the role of the support partner for 20 years.

I’d encourage you to see a lawyer for the practical stuff.
And to look at what you’d like your life to look like. Build your life like that first, wo a partner but for yourself.

You’d be getting very different responses if the sexes were reversed OP….

Workaholics are like any other addicts - at the end of the day the addiction comes first.

even if she makes partner it won’t change.

it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you - but she loves work/her addiction more.

long term that will be soul destroying.

Why didn’t you hire a lawyer to do all that? I mean from what you said, you have the means to do that.
Why did you just accept that it’s you who would go to Court etc… when surely, either of you could have and you could have done it 50/50? Or agree that you would take it all on rather than feeling it has been pushed onto you (and feeling ressentful)?

see a solicitor, get a no fault divorce going and build your own life

@ExasperatedHusband Getting promoted to partner(if she’s chasing that?) does not necessarily mean she will then reduce her workload.
I know someone whose husband promised that this was the goal, and once it was reached, things would improve. They didn’t improve.
You need to do what’s best for you now. You’ve been doing what’s best for her for a very long time. I wish you both happier times.

I think I saw a PP say her workload will lessen if she makes partner - not at all, in fact it is likely to increase. Partners are expected to bring in business, with all the socialising and briefing meetings that requires, as well as taking on supervisory and mentoring roles.

Behavior is a language.

If she was a man, MN would be LTB.

You get one life and there is no rehearsals, that is it. So with that, with all of your carefully laid out words to her how you are feeling, there is yet to be any change if I understand you. So, in my opinion, and many others, behavior is a language. And if she has apologiesed to you, without change, than that in turn is a form of manipulation to keep you where you are for her comfort making you wait, and wait some more. It sounds like she has it good, she is happy, and so, go and be happy too. Whatever that may look like. Divorce is hard, but sometimes the best thing you can do, specially in a scenario like this one.

My husband was a lawyer and he entirely neglected me and more importantly his kids. leaving the house sometimes at 5 in the morning not getting back til 8.30 at night and then working some more. All weekend too. Needless to say, the relationship broke down. I would not enter a relationship with a workaholic again. Fuelled by his need to be 'the best' it became more important than anything in our life. Leave and live alone as more or less you are doing now. What would be so different in reality?

"This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. "

Why didn't your lawyer wife deal with the litigation issue?

LTB!

But seriously, go for couples' counselling, then LTB if it doesn't work afterwards. There's nothing else unless you wish to stay in an unhappy marriage.

This sounds lonely OP. I know a LOT of lawyers and families of lawyers and many of them sound similar.

A couple of suggestions:

Would she be willing to consider a move to an offshore firm where she might be able to have a better work/life balance? Also i don’t know what level she’s at but several offshore locations can be routes to fast track partnerships, which can reduce the work hours struggle a bit.

As others have suggested, could you throw money at the problem to a greater or lesser extent? Sign up for a meal prep delivery service, get a cleaner, use a travel agent, hire people to do some of the life admin for you? Then you will have time to develop your own business and interests.

Also, I would say, for most of the legal families I know, this period of living largely separate lives does come to an end sooner rather than later, as most lawyers can retire pretty early. I know several in their late 40s/early 50s who have recently retired or are about to.

You need some communication with your wife around this. She is getting defensive because she knows you're not happy and she's dropping the ball, but do you know why her career and work is so important to her? Because she's gambling an awful lot on it, and there has to be a reason.

I'd recommend counselling or coaching or something that gets you both in communication and figuring out what the future for you looks like, whether it's together or apart.