Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

Can you imagine if the husband did that ?

Divorce rates of corporate lawyers are sky high. It’s not that she doesn’t value you, it’s just that her firm has been playing her for 20 years to keep her insecure and over working. Read up on insecure over achievers.

I don’t know what the solution would be for you, but you are not alone.

In a nutshell, your wife is married to her job with you coming second, rather than married to you with her job coming second.

If you ask her baldly whether this is what she wants, and she says yes, you know what to do.

If she you ask and she argues it’s not so, you tell her it is and take it from there. If she denies there’s even a problem, you know what to do.

If she agrees this is the case, says she wants to change and makes efforts - that’s promising.

If she agrees this is the case but finds herself sucked in and falling into old habits, you can give her another chance and see what happens.

There are so many scenarios and possible outcomes. You’re free to make choices as you have no children.

@northernsouldownsouth you said it. I agree completely. Maybe because I am also a northern south down south ; )

@ExasperatedHusband you aren't just exasperated. You are neglected. How is your sex life? Sorry to ask so boldly but this is also part of the picture.

This, basically. Ime, most couples that can tough it out are happy in the end, if they can make it through the shit part, but they do have relatively separate lives early on, at least.

it’s a cutthroat career

Get a hobby, go out with friends
You be busy when she comes in not having her dinner cooked and washing done.
Stop doing things for her
I do most stuff in my house as I work from home, collecting teenagers from school or work. Cooking 5 days.
My husband does most of the shopping and washes his own clothes and makes his lunch for work. And he irons.
But we never go out.
It doesn't bother me, I just like to watch TV after work.

Nothing is more important in a marriage than each other. No job should ever take priority over relationships and family and you have your answer in the hospital non- pick up.

I think you should write everything down much like you have here, and leave it for her to read. Tell her you have gone away for a few days to think, do exactly that and set a date & time when you will be back and wish to discuss how to move forward calmly. Make that a weekend.

Then go away for a short break, come back and be resolute in your discussions.

I think you know its over.

Not to the exclusion of all else, no.

If I was unable to pick DH up from hospital it would be because I was in theatre doing an operation and it would be hard to cancel a list and let a lot of people down.
I guess court is like that for lawyers.
Some people really do have jobs that are not very flexible at all.

Only problem with counselling is you have to set aside time for it, and its a continuing issue that she doesn't set aside time for anything to do with the relationship. So, you are going to have to play hardball here and give a plain ultimatum. Either she sets aside time for regular counselling sessions or the relationship is over, no compromise on that. Then you both know where you stand. Unfortunately, I suspect she has disconnected from you also, as shown by her lack of care after your surgery.

Sit her down, cut out the noise and be crystal clear about how you're feeling and how far it's gone. Her response to how serious you are will tell you everything. Hopefully she'll value you higher moving forward.

Speaking from experience, I left. I saw my future and it was lonely and resentful. It was never clear whether it was the job demanding so much from him or him addicted to the job. In the end it didn't matter, I felt so alone and unimportant to the one person who should at least try to pretend you mattered.

After this I was in a relationship where there were long stretches apart and their job was very demanding but conversely, they made me feel secure and happy. They made sure I felt like I was no1 even if they physically couldn't be there. I realised a demanding job was never the problem, it was an excuse. Might not be the same for your scenario but could be helpful in assessing how much of a priority you feel. It's never too late to change things, whether it's your existing relationship or starting again.

Meh.
No one needs to stay in a marriage that they are unhappy with. Nothing is keeping you there, except perhaps money but that will be split, surely, so you don't need 'permission' or 'approval' to leave.
You just don't sound suited and that's ok. No children so much better to acknowlege that now.
Good luck, a new life awaits.

I think you should show your wife this thread and if she is not willing to change - actual real change like going part time or changing job to something with more work life balance - then you should end your relationship so you can build a life with someone that has time for you.

That was what did it for a friend of mine. her partner did not pick her up from hospital after she had a procedure, they went to work instead. It was the final straw.

My DH is a lawyer and I recognise so much of what you say in our relationship. We have a baby and a preschooler too, so it is different. I do 100% of the housework in the week, and 90% of it at weekends. This doesn’t even bother me too much, as he works such long hours. What I find hardest is what you describe - the constant tiredness, trying to discuss things and being met with “I’ve got no bandwidth/I’m tired/let’s talk about this later”.

He doesn’t work at weekends, but he spends them exhausted and grumpy, often falling asleep in the middle of the day. He tries to prioritise family dinners on days where he works from home, but it always feels like he’s mentally not there and is thinking about work/wanting to rush back.

I’m not sure my DH actually loves his job, but it is definitely all consuming. He neglects himself when things are busy, not just us. If I don’t bring him food when there’s a deal he won’t eat all day, he really does get locked in.

I find it difficult, but I love him as you say you love your wife. The hardest thing is having nobody to share the emotional load or decisions with - trying to discuss things makes him frazzled and overwhelmed on top of work so I have to handle everything myself. There is exactly zero emotional energy for me. He is grateful, and readily admits he couldn’t do what he does without me.

I cope with it by:

• therapy every 2 weeks, for myself, to emotionally offload to somebody!
• outsourcing things where possible - DH is well paid but not on a crazy high salary so can’t do too much of this, but I outsource things he would do if he had a normal job - gardening, car cleaning, handyman. I refuse to do all that on top of everything else with two children!
• I have a best friend, who’s also a SAHM and I speak to her daily, usually for over an hour. Again this fills my emotional cup/gives me an outlet and somebody who listens, and does the same for her. I appreciate male friendships tend to be different so this may not be an option.
• i also socialise on my own - I’ll take the children out for food in the week with friends while DH is working, I’ll arrange to meet friends in the day or go and see family. I used to not do this as I felt bad about him missing out, but now I just go for it, I don’t want the children to miss out too.
• Luckily I’m quite an introvert and love my own company! In the evening I no longer sit around waiting for him to finish work - I assume he’ll finish at 11pm/midnight, spend the evening however I’d like to, watch what I want to, and if he’s down before then it’s a pleasant surprise.

I hope you come to a decision. It is very lonely. Does your wife seem happy? Is she very stressed or does she seem to love what she does? Sometimes I think it is tearing my DH apart, but he just can’t seem to set limits or have any sort of work life balance. I know long hours come with the territory, but I don’t know how many hours is normal or if they’re all the same/some manage to do more.

You need to decide in what ways your life would be better if you left. Free of resentment, only yourself to support or think about, the possibility of a better match with someone else...and in what way it would be worse. Loss of the companionship you do get from her, reduced lifestyle, possibility you won't meet anyone else and will be alone...then do a cost/benefit analysis and go or stay based on that. What you shouldn't do is see the possibility of leaving as a lever for change, which it sounds a bit like you do I've no choice but to leave usually carries a silent "unless you..." and i think a woman as driven as she is would not respond to an ultimatum in the way you'd hope.

As others have said, there are other options for lawyers other than big city firms. She could most likely get a job at a smaller firm with a better work life balance but she would take a hit on the salary and the prestige. She also doesn’t sound like she wants to make any changes. Im a solicitor and work in house and find it very rewarding, and have a good work life balance and time for my husband and kids. It is doable but you have to make the choice.

As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues
What on earth could take you take 6 months to do to the part where you stop working? That is insane considering there are no children/care to juggle.

She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.
That's on you, why would you discharge yourself? Most people wait until the doctor does that and that can take hours.

If you are not happy, and there are no children to consider, then leave. Or ask her to consider joint counselling.

For lawyers, it isn’t just hard. It is quite literally impossible. You just can’t get last minute adjournments. And you can’t just not show up. Ironic really because Id have thought it would be far more difficult as a surgeon. My opposition was sectioned the day before a 3 day trial - his colleague applied for a postponement, it was refused. Absolute shit show.

Yes the job can involve long hours but honestly, if you have boundaries and plan your work load, it really doesn’t have to be all consuming. Some people though actively choose it to be that way.

Why do you feel you need ‘a female perspective’ on your life? Bizarre

20 years in law and still working the way your wife does? Doesn't add up

Sounds the same as any other full time job. Part time jobs generally have full time hours, full time hours generally take up evenings and weekends. It's not a lawyer-specific thing.

Just leave her.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited.

You have to start putting your needs first.

She seems very selfish and this relationship is very one
sided.

Why not do a trial separation for 6 weeks and see how you both get on.

Life’s too short: get out now.