Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

511 replies

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:37

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
DopeyS · 15/10/2024 16:23

He might be dangerous and gearing up to be controlling. He might be a compulsive liar who just lies for the sake of it. Either way a relationship shouldn't be hard work so early and it will only get worse.
I went to uni with someone who was a compulsive liar. It was weird and served no purpose and was just irritating.

Don't wait around to find out which one he is, either way it isn't good.

namechangeforobviousreasons24 · 15/10/2024 16:23

Say you've realised you still love your ex or that you have decided to take some time out just for yourself and don't feel you are ready for a relationship !

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 15/10/2024 16:23

Your best bet is to send an "it's not you, it's me" type text, blame chemistry, or say you're not ready to date, too busy at work, ill family member.... whatever you think is your safest option.

Get a ring door bell, have a code ready with a friend or family member, my dc send a text with a specific emoji at the end if they want me to come and get them ASAP, no questions asked, regardless of the content of the text.

This bloke sound quite scary.

Daschund1 · 15/10/2024 16:23

Where are your standards! You know this is bullshit

Amazonmulu · 15/10/2024 16:25

@Beautifulbouquet he's given you a way out then - say that you've been thinking and can't be his partner and so he should block you and you wish him all the best.

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:26

Bananalanacake · 15/10/2024 16:21

A guitarist in a death metal band you say, does he happen to know the name of the band?

Haha! Yes this is the hilarious thing (I am.both laughing and crying right now)

He told me the name of the band and played me their music

Having googled it a) the band is well enough known to have several sites list their members and he isn't one and b) he was 9 years old at the height of their fame

Laughing

But also

I'm an idiot

OP posts:
DeireadhFomhair · 15/10/2024 16:26

namechangeforobviousreasons24 · 15/10/2024 16:19

Could he be one of those scam artists ??

There's a regular poster on here whose brother is a fantasist and this is the kind of stuff he comes up with. I hope it's not him, because he sounds dangerous.
Ignore one or two messages then say something bland like... I'm not ready for a relationship right not...

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:26

He's hard work why bother?

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:27

DeireadhFomhair · 15/10/2024 16:26

There's a regular poster on here whose brother is a fantasist and this is the kind of stuff he comes up with. I hope it's not him, because he sounds dangerous.
Ignore one or two messages then say something bland like... I'm not ready for a relationship right not...

Show quote history

He has mentioned a sister who won't speak to him and refused to invite him to her wedding for no reason...

FFS I've been so stupid.

OP posts:
valentinka31 · 15/10/2024 16:27

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:48

Thank you so so much.

He has never told me her name. I just can't see that it could be true. Lots of other things he told me also don't seem true (like them phoning him to tell him his wife was dead...that isn't what the army do).

I don't want to confront him as frankly I'm a bit scared....this lie serves no purpose and his psychology is mind-boggling.

I need to end it without letting on I know. I'm now googling other things and there have been other bizarre and easily contradicted lies...such as being a guitarist in a death metal band.

I don't understand if he even was married ...I mean what a bizarre invention.

He is a fantasist. You are a new person, a blank sheet. We all give new people credit to start with - we believe them. So you are great fun for him.

Gradually withdraw. Gradually. Make yourself boring. Grey rock. The guy is bonkers.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/10/2024 16:27

I had one like this - tragic (but allegedly wealthy) past, security detail, house overseas etc etc.

I strongly suspect he was a virgin, living with his parents. I went to his house once and it decorated in 1970s style, hadn't been touched since, and some very sus photographs that he tried to explain away.

Told him I'd got back with an ex boyfriend who deserved 'one more chance' to stop any repercussions, becuase I judged that he wouldn't want to take on a big bloke just to try to keep me.

CandidHedgehog · 15/10/2024 16:28

MrRobinsonsQuango · 15/10/2024 16:01

They 100% wouldn’t ring him to tell him this. My dad died suddenly abroad, he was a civilian and they still sent police officers round to tell my mother

Show quote history

This. It’s one of the things the film Military Wives gets right - the scene where the car containing the officers to do the notification arrives at the married quarters. Nobody gets told by phone unless things have gone very wrong and the death of a female soldier in Afghanistan would have so much publicity the armed services would be very careful to follow procedure.

ByMerryKoala · 15/10/2024 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well, I think the op is worried that someone willing to invent stories like this to manipulate her, might not back off without any drama.

Sparkletastic · 15/10/2024 16:29

Oh god I worked with a man like this. Loads of stuff about dead girlfriend (although at one point he brought her back from the dead), his very important job in the armed forces etc. Pathological liar.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2024 16:29

BefuddledPuck · 15/10/2024 16:21

Oh God yes this. I used to work in an industry allied with the security industry (private security, close protection, that kind of thing). Pretty much every man I encountered at training events had been special forces or royal bodyguard. Laughable really.

Also, my sister worked for the MOD medals office, verifying and issuing medals. She had stories of families contacting the medals office after grandpa passed away, saying he'd never claimed the medals he had been awarded at *** battle/conflict/campaign etc. and could they be issued to the family. After putting in the research, my sister had to tell them. Grandpa wasn't anywhere near that conflict etc. How awful to find out your relative completely made up an heroic past!

Show quote history

That's really embarrassing.

Yet an uncle of Mum's I had no idea had been awarded a couple of medals for his role in WW2. {MC} and another til I saw his obituary.
He kept that quiet.

BabyCloud · 15/10/2024 16:30

It’s been a month and he has forced you into a relationship? He will not take the rejection well. You have to do it and then instan block him or he will bombard you.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:30

The other night he texted me out of the blue and insisted I either become his "partner" or he'd block me forever.
I went round to try and have a sensible conversation with him.

Why on earth would you go to someone's house when they've given you such an aggressive ultimatum after four dates?

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:30

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/10/2024 16:27

I had one like this - tragic (but allegedly wealthy) past, security detail, house overseas etc etc.

I strongly suspect he was a virgin, living with his parents. I went to his house once and it decorated in 1970s style, hadn't been touched since, and some very sus photographs that he tried to explain away.

Told him I'd got back with an ex boyfriend who deserved 'one more chance' to stop any repercussions, becuase I judged that he wouldn't want to take on a big bloke just to try to keep me.

Yes he has also mentioned two homes abroad which he inherited from his dead wife but he gives the money to charity as he can't bear to profit from her death

To be quite fair to anyone reading this thinking I'm an idiot I mean...you are right

He lives in a very small and old fashioned tiny tiny studio flat

OP posts:
Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:31

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:30

The other night he texted me out of the blue and insisted I either become his "partner" or he'd block me forever.
I went round to try and have a sensible conversation with him.

Why on earth would you go to someone's house when they've given you such an aggressive ultimatum after four dates?

Totally fair question.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/10/2024 16:31

He sounds like one of the featured ‘guests’ on 24 Hours in Police Custody.
I know we can all try to make light of it, but this man’s demands and lies are just awful.
We have all done stupid things the important thing now is to move forwards.

Scully01 · 15/10/2024 16:32

He sounds unhinged. I'd be breaking up but also maybe ask the police for a Clare's Law application too.

Bromptotoo · 15/10/2024 16:32

Are you sure his wife was a Brit?

US forces lost a few females in Afghan.

LBFseBrom · 15/10/2024 16:32

Google 'her name, British Marine killed in Afghanistan', and see what comes up, Just in case he is telling the truth (which I doubt).

If he lies about something like that he will lie about other stuff. He could even still be married and living with a wife plus kids!

You say he is hard work. Is it worth the effort? You haven't known him long, in fact hardly any time at all, and could just be unavailable so the relationship fades.

Plenty more fish and all that.

shieldmaiden7 · 15/10/2024 16:32

I don't know if I'm a worrier or not but in your shoes I'd phone 101 and tell them I'm planning to break up with my partner and scared of his reaction.

He is a massive red flag! 🚩

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 16:33

ByMerryKoala · 15/10/2024 16:29

Well, I think the op is worried that someone willing to invent stories like this to manipulate her, might not back off without any drama.

Show quote history

So what’s hanging around on mumsnet going to do

she’s been given a a few suggested very tame messages to send him

If anything concerns her re his response… i suggest she go straight to her line manager