Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

What kind of small life do you have to bring so much nastiness into other peoples lives? It is quite clear that the OP has managed the (difficult) situation and herself, and people like you coming on here suggesting therapy, and that this is some kind of conspiracy or exaggeration is unkind and unhelpful. This site provides a much needed sounding board for many people going through all sorts of personal struggles that might be difficult to discuss with people around them. Why are you here? What are you actually adding to the world today?

What are you actually adding to the world today?

Carbon dioxide and bodily waste.

The “pearl clutchers”?? Maybe you shouldn’t be on a women’s website when you think so little of women.

It’s a common phrase for women on here who hate men and answer questions differently dependent on the gender of the person/ find fault in the most innocent comments made on here by men. I don’t think so little of any gender, I just don’t like feminists, misandrists, chauvinists and misogynists

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not unusual to be on an emotional roller coaster after an emotional experience. It doesn't matter whether the experience is of our own making or if we're an innocent victim. Cut yourself some slack.

If you are truly concerned about 'what's wrong with you' as far as your judgement regarding men/people, or even just this man, that's something you can do something about. Consider getting counseling. The choices we make, and our judgment in making those choices, is a result of the 'learned experiences' of our lives. Some of those experiences teach us 'true' lessons, some teach us 'false' lessons. Counseling can help you sort through those lessons and discard the ones that are holding you back and use those 'true' lessons to help you judge your decisions and to find the 'true' relationships we all deserve. Give it a try, what have you got to lose?

I wish you peace and wisdom.

@Waitforit7 you 'don't like feminists'? You don't like people who want equal rights for women? Well I suggest you fuck off then 😂

Feminists don’t want equal rights for women any more than chauvinists want equality. I’ve made it clear that I am for 100% equality. The feminism of today is NOT the feminism of a bygone age. I’m quite certain you know what kind of feminists I’m referring to, there are plenty of them on here. Let’s not derail the thread though hey

It's the unfortunate truth. If a woman is a bit dodgy, and the alarm bells ring, men don't usually have to go through with the same bullshit to feel safe.

I get why you feel like you’ve been duped OP, I also think it’s healthy to want to look back on a situation and want to see the funny side rather then dwell on things.

I understand how easy it is to be duped, I once thought I’d met Preston from the ordinary boys and the fat one from G4 in a nightclub years ago, sadly that wasn’t the case 😉.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the support.

Believe me I'm aware that I have shown issues here around boundaries and I should have walked away earlier. That reflection will happen.

Fed up as had tough week at work and would love to pop in the local tonight but that is too high risk of a confrontation or some sort of awkwardness.

Hope your weekend gets better OP.

I wouldn't let this keep you away from your local.
Do you think all this is keeping him out of the local? I doubt it.

Go with a friend, have a drink & enjoy your evening.

@Beautifulbouquet but you did walk away, that's something to be proud of. You seem to be criticising yourself for the timing, but I think you should be nicer to yourself - you did it!

Hope you have a lovely weekend, and if you want to go to the pub, can you take a friend?

When men commit sexual and physical violence at the same low rate that women do, we'll talk about whether feminism is still needed. Until then, it's a given that it is.

This is the annoying thing. All my friends live in town. So meeting and drinking is difficult as the buses stop at 6pm and a taxi is £20.

I will take a friend in the future. Also there's a Halloween party that this guy definitely isn't going to so can go then.

I feel way way less bothered now anyway. In a couple of weeks don't think I'll care.

Just need a bit longer before facing him especially as we had sex.

Had a lovely email from a couple in the village today so at least not everyone is laughing at me. Just about having lunch sometime.

What is weird is if he'd said Iraq and not Afghanistan then I probably couldn't have known it was a lie...and so that was a lucky escape!

@Beautifulbouquet re people laughing, the shame is not yours, it's his. Take care of yourself x

Thank you Pancakes xx

A bit of an update.

I avoided the pub for a week or so. I've since seen him there a couple of times and ignored him. No problems.

Last night a friend of his spoke to me quite aggressively / nastily to tell me that everything the guy id been seeing said was true and specifically and repeatedly mocked me for Googling these facts. His argument was that lots goes on in the military that is suppressed.

He said I shouldn't be googling things.

It all felt unpleasant and a bit menacing in a vague way. He seemed genuinely angry that I'd said his friend was lying.

The guy I was seeing hadn't tried to talk to me or been any problem. We can both visit the village pub and it isn't an issue.

The friend though I found quite disturbing. He kept saying it was all true.

That's awful. I'd just say "look, it's sensible advice to do basic checks on a guy you're dating. That's just what anyone does. We aren't right for each other and that's that. Beyond that it's really none of anyone's business and I'm certainly not discussing him or his personal situation with anyone else and nor should you "

OP - I wouldn’t engage in a lengthy discussion with his friend. I’d just say ‘I appreciate your opinion and I understand that you care about your friend. We were not right for each other anyway so it’s in the past but I wish him all the best’ and swiftly exit the conversation. Then avoid future contacts at all costs to protect your safety and peace.

The friend has probably swallowed the whole story and has to justify himself for believing in it all. Why wouldn't he think that a woman should Google anyone she's dating and anything that they might tell you? That's just sensible. Sounds more like the friend is a wee bit gullible to me.

Thanks it's good advice.

There wasxs big party in the pub last night so we were all mixing a lot. I made some new friends which is really good.

I actually got more of the sense that this guy himself might have something online he doesn't want me googled. He seemed intense in a way I think went beyond caring for his friend.

You're right that his advice was bad advice.

Also met another loon...a woman who reckons her three kids were taken into care because her husbands new girlfriend lied that she was a heroine addict. I mean surely they'd do some blood tests or something???

Quite an interesting village anyway!

Blimey. I didn't post but was watching your thread and hoping you were okay. Sounds like Walter Mitty's friend also has ishoos, and maybe they click due to their mutual problems.

Anyone who tells you not to google someone if you have suspicions really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I hope you manage to find some sane, decent dating possibilities there !

This village sounds rough as 🤔

I don't understand the obsession with the pub.

Can't you go somewhere more interesting?