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Original poster

Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

511 replies

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:37

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
redorangeye110w · 15/10/2024 16:11

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 15/10/2024 15:45

I've met a million of these guys, they invent a trauma, then use that trauma to try and control you and the relationship.

"You didn't answer my message for an hour, I was so worried because if what happened to my wife"

"I don't want you to go out in case something happens like it did with my wife"

Etc.

I would throw this one back.

I knew one like that. Told everyone his pregnant girlfriend was hit by a car and killed. He had lived in the same area all his life and if that had happened people would have n own about to. Small town and so on. No idea why he did it

BringMeTea · 15/10/2024 16:11

What is it with these tools? Who believes them? My Dmil's friends do a bit of older dating and the number of men who reveal that they are licensed to 'carry' and have done so is out of control! Worryingly most of the women seem to believe them. The mind boggles. Anyway yeah, get rid of this whack job asap.

Normallynumb · 15/10/2024 16:14

End it with a bland text saying the usual " it's not you, it's me"or similar.
If you give reasons, he might try reasoning with you.
Block everywhere.
What's wrong with these people!

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:15

lcakethereforeIam · 15/10/2024 16:08

Tell him you are a sleeper agent for the security services and you've been called up to go undercover 🥸 If you tell him any more you'd have to kill him. Then kill block him.

Seriously though, in your shoes I'd feel very disturbed by this behaviour. It's unhinged.

Edited to add

Don't be hard on yourself. There are some strange people out there and, as they don't wear signs, they can initially appear quite normal.

Edited

Thanks this made me laugh.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 15/10/2024 16:16

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:06

He does. And he lives very close by.

I think I'm going to try and end this by text tonight without saying why. I'd appreciate any handholding. Not because I'm in two minds but I don't want this to escalate in any sense.

I've been incredibly incredibly stupid.

Show quote history

I’d wit for him to suggest another date. Say you can’t make it. Then, when / if it happens again, just say you are too busy for anything right now.

WomenInConstruction · 15/10/2024 16:16

The first two sentences were all that are needed to know what to do.
The rest is just the icing on the cake.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:17

I do think you need to be careful how you tell him, OP.

Does he work? If so do you know for certain he does what he says he does?

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:17

redorangeye110w · 15/10/2024 16:11

I knew one like that. Told everyone his pregnant girlfriend was hit by a car and killed. He had lived in the same area all his life and if that had happened people would have n own about to. Small town and so on. No idea why he did it

Show quote history

The only motivation I can think of is yo somehow explain and excuse any past or future bad behaviour as being causes by this trauma

The idea of a man deliberately inventing excuses for future mistreatment is really scary

OP posts:
Flatbellyfella · 15/10/2024 16:17

I know an ex soldier who claims to have been a long range sniper , but when his regiment was sent out to peace keeping in Bosnia , he was a conscientious objector & stayed in the UK .

MadAboutChocolateLady · 15/10/2024 16:17

It's horrible that you feel scared of him.
That in itself is a reason to run away!

Has he been to your home?
Please say he doesn't have a key.

All you need to say BY TEXT is 'Sorry, this isn't working for me any more. Take care and look after yourself.'

Then block his number.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 15/10/2024 16:17

I remember in a Woody Allen film, I think it was 'Play It Again Sam', he was going to tell a prospective girlfriend that his wife had been 'killed in a mine shaft explosion'.

I think that is more plausible than 'a female Marine shot in Afghanistan'!

Sia8899 · 15/10/2024 16:18

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:06

He does. And he lives very close by.

I think I'm going to try and end this by text tonight without saying why. I'd appreciate any handholding. Not because I'm in two minds but I don't want this to escalate in any sense.

I've been incredibly incredibly stupid.

Show quote history

Do you think there’s a chance he might come round? Does he just seem like a liar or have you seen anything else that made you uncomfortable?

I would try to get a friend round or go out tonight just in case. If I don’t want to give a specific reason for ending things I will say “you seem like a great guy but I don’t see a future for us/don’t feel like we’re the right fit for each other. I wish you all the best for the future”. It’s vague enough that the other person can’t really argue but it’s a definite ending, so if they reply there’s no need to respond. I wouldn’t go with the “I’m moving overseas” stuff because it invites questions and you live near each other

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:19

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:17

I do think you need to be careful how you tell him, OP.

Does he work? If so do you know for certain he does what he says he does?

Hes changed jobs completely in the month or so since I met him

And no I don't know that this is true

I'm sat here now just thinking how many strange things he has said.

OP posts:
namechangeforobviousreasons24 · 15/10/2024 16:19

Could he be one of those scam artists ??

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/10/2024 16:20

No. Sounds like a walking red flag.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2024 16:20

Armychefbethebest · 15/10/2024 15:58

As ex forces I hate that people make up things about the forces in general, your first comment about him being hard work in general after a month would be enough for me to bin this one.

My next point female soldiers were not allowed to try to earn the green beret until 2018, if she had been a marine you would have certainly have heard about her when she was alive had she existed.
However, no female soldiers have yet passed marine commando training.
He needs to work out why he needs to make up totally out there stories to new potential partners after you have binned him of course . Xx

Stolen Valour.
It makes such a mockery of people who genuinely have Served { I'm a civilian, but members of my family and In laws Served in past Wars, as many people's family members did, and the PTSD and ongoing pain from injuries sustained in War are not to be taken lightly.

CandidHedgehog · 15/10/2024 16:21

HangingOver · 15/10/2024 15:44

I once did a straw poll of my friendship group to see how many of us had every dated someone claiming to be a spy/secret service. Glad it wasn't just me 🤣

Show quote history

And anyone who actually has dated who is genuinely a spy quite possibly dumped them because the office job in the Fisheries Ministry (does that still exist?) that they claim to have is so mind numbingly boring.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:21

What I would do now is write down every single odd thing about him. I'd send a copy to a friend and then I'd dump him. At the slightest sign of trouble I'd ask my friend to tell the police. People like this can be very erratic and it's better to be safe than sorry.

BTW had you been to his home? If so what was it like? It's hard to think someone would have a "normal" home when their mind's so fucked.

MadAboutChocolateLady · 15/10/2024 16:21

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:19

Hes changed jobs completely in the month or so since I met him

And no I don't know that this is true

I'm sat here now just thinking how many strange things he has said.

Show quote history

He's a fantasist.
His life has probably been very narrow and without much personal achievement.

As others have said, if you're afraid he may turn up at your house, and be angry with you, can you ask a friend over or ideally a burly man?

Don't allow him in and don't get into a discussion with him by text.

PennyApril54 · 15/10/2024 16:21

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:48

Thank you so so much.

He has never told me her name. I just can't see that it could be true. Lots of other things he told me also don't seem true (like them phoning him to tell him his wife was dead...that isn't what the army do).

I don't want to confront him as frankly I'm a bit scared....this lie serves no purpose and his psychology is mind-boggling.

I need to end it without letting on I know. I'm now googling other things and there have been other bizarre and easily contradicted lies...such as being a guitarist in a death metal band.

I don't understand if he even was married ...I mean what a bizarre invention.

You are absolutely right. Don't let him know you doubt him. Break away for some completely unrelated reason. This is definitely something you don't need in your life. Then block.

Bananalanacake · 15/10/2024 16:21

A guitarist in a death metal band you say, does he happen to know the name of the band?

BefuddledPuck · 15/10/2024 16:21

oakleaffy · 15/10/2024 16:03

What will the next lie be?
That he was in SAS?

That’s a Walter Mitty fave amongst some men , too.

Oh God yes this. I used to work in an industry allied with the security industry (private security, close protection, that kind of thing). Pretty much every man I encountered at training events had been special forces or royal bodyguard. Laughable really.

Also, my sister worked for the MOD medals office, verifying and issuing medals. She had stories of families contacting the medals office after grandpa passed away, saying he'd never claimed the medals he had been awarded at *** battle/conflict/campaign etc. and could they be issued to the family. After putting in the research, my sister had to tell them. Grandpa wasn't anywhere near that conflict etc. How awful to find out your relative completely made up an heroic past!

Amazonmulu · 15/10/2024 16:22

Defo text dump him but please make sure you are safe and someone knows where you are at all times for the next few days.

Will be here for hand holding x

Original poster
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 16:22

Sia8899 · 15/10/2024 16:18

Do you think there’s a chance he might come round? Does he just seem like a liar or have you seen anything else that made you uncomfortable?

I would try to get a friend round or go out tonight just in case. If I don’t want to give a specific reason for ending things I will say “you seem like a great guy but I don’t see a future for us/don’t feel like we’re the right fit for each other. I wish you all the best for the future”. It’s vague enough that the other person can’t really argue but it’s a definite ending, so if they reply there’s no need to respond. I wouldn’t go with the “I’m moving overseas” stuff because it invites questions and you live near each other

Show quote history

I'm just going to be honest in response to this even though I know I will get a lot of criticism

The other night he texted me out of the blue and insisted I either become his "partner" or he'd block me forever.

I went round to try and have a sensible conversation with him.

He told me about this dead wife and I agreed to be his partner

Even though that's not even a term I use and I don't know him

I have been so so stupid

So the motivation was to get me to feel sorry gor him

I have been so stupid

Sorry this is all just sinking in

OP posts:
traybake81 · 15/10/2024 16:22

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