New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

I get all that, I was talking about the other lady. And your response is pretty normal. Thinking the OKs can be different to living the OKs, that's all I'm saying. The commitment is definitely to the person methinks rather than the condition. If the commitment is real. Ive also said there is a no pressure situation and you need time to consider. I think we agree. All the best with it.

But up to 80% of people have it - and many won’t even know. So the sackcloth and ashes are overplayed….

Up to 80% of people have HSV1 not HSV2. Yes, both can be caught on genitals, but it is much less likely for HSV1, the much more common type of HSV, to be caught on genitals and much less likely for HSV2, the much less common one, to be caught on the mouth. That is why a lot of people aren't concerned about coldsores on the mouth which are usually HSV1.

The comments on this thread, @Beautiful3 being the absolute worse

My husband only found his ex had it when they were discussing her birth plan with his DS

I love everything about him, why on earth would I not be with the greatest love of my life because he has a medical condition he cannot help

As it happens despite being extremely careful I did contract it, I have had a number of outbreaks and associated nerve pain

I would still chose him over any man I've ever been with, especially my 'clean' narcissistic, abusive ex husband

About 1 in 3 cases of genital herpes are caused by type 1 in the uk so not unusual or uncommon at all. Mouth to genital transmission is a very real and common way to end up with genital herpes so worth being educated on this if concerned about the risks.

There are far more than 3 herpes family. There are 8 or 9 that are extremely common among humans.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpesviridae

This. It seems to many people want to strongly tie the two together (likely for their on benefit), but most of the population would not regard cold sores to be the same or as severe as something you get on your genitals. For one thing, most people, or at least half of them have had cold sores on their lips at one point in their life, likely as teens. That's not the same for genital herpes.

Yes, the oral type can be transferred to genitals, but even if it went on the genitals, it's still HSV1. HSV2 seems like a lot more bother to deal with.

A poster upthread stated she wouldn’t date anyone if they got cold sores, and that she thinks anybody who did would be honest about it. She might as well kiss goodbye to her dating life then if she isn’t already married. Cold sores are extremely common and for most people they are so insignificant it doesn’t even enter someone’s head to ‘be honest’ about, never mind those who are totally unaware they carry the virus.

But the 2 ARE tied together, a third of genital herpes cases are caused by type 1. If somebody wants to be educated on the risks of catching genital herpes then it’s important to know that a very common way to catch it is via oral sex from an infected person 🤷‍♀️
If somebody presented to a dr with sores they wouldn’t be able to look and tell if they were type 1 or 2 because they would look the same.
How much bother would depend on the individual- 80-90% of people with HSV2 are not even aware they are infected because they have no noticeable symptoms.

Stats show that a much lower percentage of people have either HSV1 or HSV2 on their genitals though.

Regardless, no one is owed a relationship or sex. It is fine to reject someone for any reason, including then having any type of herpes.

Thank you 🙂

It's not a hate contest and I'm not perfect. It wasn't my intention make you feel attacked and I'm sorry if you did feel that way. There is a shingles vaccine. They're still working on on the other two. The work of Dr Martine Aubert is interesting. They say they are about two years away from progress. Good luck with the odyssey. Peace all...

Shingles is caused by a different virus, VZV.

It's a zoster virus (related to chicken pox) has very much the same presentation as a herpes lesion and also the same pain and can affect many different nerves in in its path. And some forms dont stick to the normal patterns of expression. Horrible.

So many people contract this. It is sad to think people would write someone off due to this. Outbreaks can be months / years apart and unlikely to catch it if you take precautions

It's not sad. People are allowed to choose not to date someone for any reason. It's bad that others try to make them feel guilty for it by saying things like 'it's sad'.

The sad part takes many forms, sad that she's considering beginning or not, a real relationship which has brought her pleasure on line, that's sad, when you feel you need to stop something you'd hoped to pursue. Sad that there is a lot of stigma and discrimation about a condition which cannot be helped or controlled for the most part. Sad that many people still live in a state of ignorance. But positive that there are still folk out there who think of the people struggling with this first, I hope everybody rises above this difficult item. Its hard and discrimatory for some but an opportunity for enlightenment for others, I cant find anything else to share....

Just as a little update... we've talked more during the week, very raw, honest conversations about things. He's answered my questions, many of which came from this thread so thank you! He also suggested we both go to speak to a health professional together so that we (me!) can understand things even more and get reassurance. I don't know if we will need to do that, but I did love that he wants to do anything that will help me feel more comfortable - another green flag!

We're taking things slow, won't be rushing into anything physical but we'll just see how things develop for now.

Thanks again for all the insight - amongst the rude, dismissive opinions there have been so many useful, insightful thoughts and pieces of advice.

OP I have genital herpes. I'm 33 if that adds anything. Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't have it, but that's life. I got my first outbreak whilst with my current partner. He's never shown any symptoms. I think it was dormant (from wherever/whenever) and when my immune system was low it reared its head. I've had a few outbreaks. The actual "rash" is absolutely nothing. I struggle with the fatigue. But I always carried on as normal.

I was so so upset when I had it and my partner just said "at least it's not on your face" ie cold sores. And it made me realise, you don't recoil when you see someone with a cold sore / herpes on the face but the mention of it genitally sends us running for the hills. Of course he's right. I very rarely get my arse out and certainly not in public 😂

I absolutely know if I'm going to have an outbreak. I keep meds to hand. I just order them online (easier than going to the doctors for me but obv costs more)
Your partner can take 12 months of anti virals (speak with gp/sexual health) and that suppresses it somewhat. He would probably have one outbreak after the course then that would suppress it (unless he was really run down for example). Would he be willing to do that?

In regard to a sex life. It never crosses my mind. My partner would have sex more than me without a doubt.

Oh and I had a baby last October. The midwife didn't bat an eye lid she just said "oh well get you some meds from 36 week" and went on to the next question.

Some of the comments on here are upsetting to be honest. Especially that AWFUL woman with so little regard to her sister. Imagine being her sister (that would be a life sentence). All of us that have, have caught it by accidents. Most of us probably from a long term partner. Yet here we are, out in the wild, raising children, loving our partners and living normal lives.

The choice is yours OP. Nobody can decide for you and if you don't want to continue (for any reason... (he's a nob, his trainers give you the ick, because he has herpes or because you can't stand the way he eats a twix) that is you're prerogative and there no judgement and no pressure. There's a lot of judgement and stigma for something that is a bad case of cold sores on your arse!

All the best x

I like him OP. He seems really decent and considerate.

Best of luck with your relationship.

You have only been together for a very short time and telling somebody honestly about this condition must take guts. I would bet that many don't say a word OR continue with the relationship until the next flare-up happens before mentioning it.

I don't have herpes (to my knowledge!) and I think that you are doing the correct thing in having conversations and seeking information before storming straight in/running a mile! - It would be what I would do in your situation at least. I admire this man's honesty and consideration for your thoughts and health and I wish you both the best in whatever decision you make. 🌸

@Beautiful3 are you the ugly sister?

You sound very bitter about the world, your sister, even strangers on the internet. You're an awful person who clearly isn't happy. You even call your own sister. I feel nothing but pity for you. I hope you have a lovely evening in your happiness over my herpes. I'd rather have herpes than be your sister, that's for sure.

😂 Nope I'm beautiful thanks! My sister loves me alot. Shes disabled and i help her out alot. My life is very good right now and im very happy, thank you. I gave an honest opinion to the poster. We all have different views. If you don't want to interact with me, then you shouldn't be slagging me off to the poster. You're just asking for trouble doing that. Noone has asked you to be my sister, and I don't want you either!