New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

That’s fine and maybe they do. But I have a choice and I wouldn’t actively date someone with them. Most people are honest about it .

No they aren’t, because most people don’t consider the fact they get oral herpes sores as a big deal so it doesn’t even cross their mind because they are so common. I get the odd cold sore once every few years and it’s never even crossed my mind to mention it to a date as I forget about it myself. I had my first cold sore when I was a child. It’s so normal that barely anyone mentions it. I’ve never had anyone tell me they get them.

And then there’s the people who don’t even know they carry it in the first place. A hell of a lot of people don’t know they carry either oral or genital herpes because they’ve never had an active outbreak, and most people wouldn’t have sex with someone with active sores so it’s pretty obvious that it’s mainly passed on when the carrier is asymptomatic and unaware.

Are you quite a confident person OP or do you have low self esteem?

That would be a consideration for me because let's say worst case scenario you do catch it and you and this guy end your relationship will you be confident enough like this guy to explain it early on and put yourself out there or would you feel too ashamed to tell people or to date?

There's such a weird crowd of pro hsv people. I'm not surprised it's spreading so much with the casual lack of regard towards it amongst those who have it. Frankly, it's Avery vocal minority who have it or don't care of they catch it. For 99 percent of people it would've emotionally and physically damaging, even if they later 'come to terms with it's or 'rarely have flare ups'. Putting yourself in a situation where you risk being permanently burdened and altered,and in a way which can effect your dating prospects going forward for life, is not something that should be so casually disregarded.

Why would anybody want to put themselves at risk? Why should anybody put their emotional and physical wellbeing aside for any reason when dating? They shouldn't

You can pass the virus on even when you're not having an outbreak. It less likely, but you still can.

It’s not a vocal minority who have it at all, a majority of the population have it, at least orally. Of course no one ‘wants’ it, but it’s not a massive big deal, it’s not life threatening, and most people seldom have outbreaks and if they do they are mild. I’m 34 and the last time I had a cold sore I was in my very early twenties. I would think someone who was so worried about it had health anxiety to be honest.

There’s so many worse things out there to worry yourself about. It’s so common there’s no point worrying unless you don’t want to date again. I wouldn’t want to kiss or have sex with someone with an active outbreak, of course not, but to restrict your love life because you’re worried about sores that clear up and lessen in frequency over time (and can often be prevented from breaking out with creams etc) is a bit silly.

That is absolute rubbish

83% of the population carry this virus, it is, as one ages much less prevalent. Golden rule no sex when it's active. For the sufferer, Avoid stress, remember to rest and eat good food. Mix with decent types and always be honest.

N.S. Don't rush into things, make sure you're making a real connection in face of the facts.

Both of you: Don't make it more of a big deal than it is, always be mindful of caring for each other first, last, always...if I truly met the "one", a little bit of herpes would not get in my way.

In the end what matters is being upfront and considering the non sufferer i guess.

They have a choice and it requires no pressure. If you let it, love will speak up for its self, it absolutely will. Good luck with it.

All you haters and scare mongerers? Don't worry, you're to busy hating to meet anyone so youll never have to think about it:).

I wouldn't take the risk that he'll pass it to me when he's not aware an outbreak is coming on. That's not part of my life and, even though I know it's not a death sentence, I don't want it to be.

Better get your self a full screening....for everything and pop it on your forehead for photos for your dating app then. You cannot know you don't carry it currently unless you do. Shame is a horrible thing and I would never shame other people because I'm afraid without fully understanding a mile in their shoes. To do so is to live in ignorance.

Unless you’re a virgin who’s never been kissed, you have absolutely no idea whether it’s part of your life or not, it could quite easily have been lay dormant in your body for years and it wouldn’t surprise me if the stigma stops people being open and honest, which will inevitably put more at risk. Someone being aware of it and taking anti virals is far safer than someone not being aware of it and passing it on without knowing.

Some of us married young and have only been intimate with one person (as has our partner). It might be less common to be in that situation but, if you are, the risk of already being infected is minimal. (Assuming no cheating on either side). If I started using a dating app, which I don't have any intention of doing, any guy I got together with would only be my second ever intimate partner, so I'd still be very hesitant to risk it.

I've heard you're totally aware of when an attack is imminent see: (Pro Dromal sensitivity)....

It's good they are honest about it and give anyone they are looking at a relationship with a choice.

I've had one sexual partner. My partner has had one sexual partner. I think we're fairly safe.

I do know I don't carry it as I was tested for antibodies to all sorts by a specialist (as part of routine screening for them) and I don't carry it. He was also blown away I didn't carry antibodies to 'the kissing disease' because most people get that as teens. He said I was quite rare and I explained I'd married very early, so hadn't got around.

People who don't have it think it's a big deal. People who do have it realise it's not a big deal. For the majority of people who have it, it doesn't cause them any issues. I'd say the biggest issue is actually public opinion. But, understandably, if it's not something you live with, it's going to seem so much bigger, scarier and life-changing than it really is.

You're absolutely not the right match for that man, compassion required, move on...
Oh! And just to throw some truth and fact in....there are three types of hpv virus all related, oral, genital and shingles which is related to chicken pox. They can end up in the wrong area, can be non sexually transmitted and can express them selves when your system is stressed. Most sufferers already have medication and protocols in place to protect their partners. There are vaccines too, brilliant eh! :)

Truth and fact? 🤦🏻‍♀️

HPV is different to to HSV.

Lol yes it is. Dyslexic typing finger....?

And you think I have no compassion because I'm treading carefully, educating myself and not rushing into any decision? I think a lot of this man, and I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to lead him on - in the same way he hasn't wanted to lead me on. Honesty and open communication at such an early stage is a great big bloody green flag. He knows I'm processing (such an American-ism but it seems to fit here!) and we can keep talking and understanding.

Maybe, but you also said there are vaccines. As far as I know they're trying to develop them but haven't succeeded yet with a vaccine for HSV.

There are vaccines for some HPV strains so I think you got HPV and HSV mixed up whilst seemingly criticising others and talking about truth and facts.

The facts seem to absolutely change based on which way thode who have it want to try to win the argument. 80 percent of people have the virus, but then suddenly it's almost impossible to catch unless and they have been with their partner 30 years and partner doesn't have it. They're sure of this despite apparently it being a symptomatic in most people, so you wouldn't know if you caught it.

So much contractictory information. A lot of people would rightfully want to keep their sexual health and not have the trauma of having to come to terms with something like that. Those people shouldn't be shamed for it or told they lack empathy. It's actually really manipulative. If somebody doesn't feel comfortable with something, anything at all, sexually, they shouldn't be pressured to do anything other than what they feel is right. Particularly if it leads to lifelong changes to their body and potential harm. You don't have to consent to that, you don't have to feel morally obligated to consent to that because somebody is 'nice'.

And you think I have no compassion because I'm treading carefully, educating myself and not rushing into any decision? I think a lot of this man, and I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to lead him on - in the same way he hasn't wanted to lead me on. Honesty and open communication at such an early stage is a great big bloody green flag. He knows I'm processing (such an American-ism but it seems to fit here!) and we can keep talking and understanding.

You're allowed to consider yourself OP so ignore the judgement, especially from posters who pretend to know the 'facts and truth' when they clearly don't and are getting HPV and HSV mixed up.

It sounds to me like you're being compassionate and kind, whilst at the same time considering the potential impact your own health and sex life. That is sensible.

Even if a man is lovely, no woman owes him a relationship or sex. You can feel compassion for someone having a virus/disease/illness etc but you are still entitled to put your own needs and feelings first. I think some posters here think it's unreasonable to do that.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Well said.

Are you for real?? My partner told me very early he has it, he was not told she was infected

I am now married to him, he didn't ruin his chances

But up to 80% of people have it - and many won’t even know. So the sackcloth and ashes are overplayed….