No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Thewookiemustgo that is such an insightful post. Your husband is a rare breed who is strong enough to admit all that to himself, and to you. Thank you for sharing

I do love the humour of this thread - good point @WindyRiver

I do feel more ‘at peace’ with my lot
His anger suggests he’s not happy there and his need to control things is a reflection of his need to be in touch.
So I am stepping away from it all and non contact is the way - I am learning to pick my battles and not rise to anything. I have consistently tried to do the decent thing by him and it’s gets what on - because he can. Screen shooting everything and enjoying my life.
I am blessed with many friends who show real concern and support - life will be different but I am still alive and the opportunities are still there, it’s all a matter if my state of mind.

You are so wise not to rise to anything @Gingerloaf , it helps you to remain calm but also shows him his attempts at whatever aren't working and he needs to deal with whatever seeds are getting under his plate himself 🐥

I am just wondering if this ‘man’ is so deliriously happy why he’s contacting you at all? Surely he’d have got his stuff and buggered off. Communicate via a solicitor over anything else?
I have a feeling he’s thinking - shit, what have I done? I’ve left my wife for Mavis from Corrie. Everyone knows I am a twit. I’m trapped in a mess of my own making.
Hope he’s feeling absolutely torn, even if he’s not showing it.

Don't be daft of course he won't make any effort to heal the rift between you. He will do the poor little me thing, lie back and expect the women to sort it out for him. I've seen this in both my marriages and the pathetic display compelled me to kick them both the hell out.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo - you echo what my friends say - if he was so happy why the need to string out the contact
A happy man would be keen to let go of all that is past and jump into a blissful new life

@Gettingbysomehow - thank you for your insight re behaviour
He has not done any self reflection and seems to believe that being a dick towards me will somehow heal the marriage. I think he thought I would run after him, the calmness and just getting in with stuff has clearly unsettled him. It’s like a child throwing stones at the window and wondering why I won’t come out to play.
He under estimated me at every step of the way - and I am just getting started on my ‘glow up’

The inability to apologise and work on himself is staggering. They are truly welcome to each other. Better sleep has helped. My constant support here and IRL has helped. I shop where they shop now and hold my head high - they can bugger off if they think I will shrink away. I have plans and I am
taking my time to just get back to me.

Dump a cheater, gain a life

No doubt there will be dark days and challenges but I do feel more myself now and my self respect is stronger than ever.
I cannot thank you enough as my ‘virtual cheerleaders’ - it makes a huge difference to my well being and confidence

The sooner you go completely non contact, the sooner you will start to heal.
When he eventually tries to come back (he definitely will), I can promise you, you will not want him.

You will in fact be wondering why you were so hurt by his going.

I’ve been reading along and just think you are marvellous, I even posted on your first thread, it was an absolutely useless post, which I apologise for, but I wanted to give you two quotes that have helped me through some horrible personal times.

The first is “when you are going through hell, keep going”

The second is “the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there”. That one is important in that, it’s ok if you remember good times that you had with him and feel a bit lost or sad. However that was then and this is now, you and your story are on a different timeline now, it’s ok to remember that distant land, but it’s now like a faded photograph, it’s black and white and your future is in colour.

There’s another school of thought in making your ex seem pathetic and that strangely is linked to true crime. I’ve seen cops in America state that when they catch a killer who is perhaps in their 50s or above that there is a great certainty that this is not their first murder, that they are probably serial killers, I feel it’s possibly the same with cheaters, it’s probably not their first rodeo and they potentially are serial cheaters throughout the marriage. Bit of a strange analogy on my part, but it’s a thought about this man that you suddenly don’t recognise.

Your thread and others like it help us all, back in 2012 I didn’t know what I’d done wrong with my partner, why was he being so horrible to me, going stiff when I hugged him, arms by his side, turning things against me, he didn’t know what he wanted, he saw a therapist. I eventually found out he had eyes on another. It came to a stop as the other was not interested and moved away, we are gay the guy was straight, but I’ve since learned it was the script and we all have to be on our guard about it. We have been together 22 years, but I’d never for a second think it may not happen again, I don’t live on edge, I’m just sensible to the fact that it could at any time.

We knew a couple she was widowed industrial accident she received compensation of over a million. A colleague married her, she continued to work, whereas he went off sick, yanking the chain to such an extent he forged the accident book and tried to sue the company. She then sued her employer for an industrial accident. Was so odd. Despite the fact that they were millionaires they both went on to sue employers. She won her case. He lost his.

She's dead now so he's got it all I presume. What a way to live.

Sorry off topic.

@Gingerloaf . I need to say this yet again. The man is clearly a fool. You sound hilarious, bet you any money he's sorry he's left. Mine was, by that time I wasn't interested in him. He even said to me at one of the kids pick up, "she's not you". Well yeah!!. Ow he left for was the mousy type too, which made it a bit worse I suppose. Onyhoo, go radio silent, it used to drive my ex mad when he didn't know what I was up to. FWIW, they spit up, he needed someplace to stay so married another mousy type during covid. He got her off the Internet on a dating site, that's how despy he was!!.

My dil's father came home sobbing and flung himself into his wife's arms. In between wracking sobs he explained his OW no longer loved or wanted him. This was the first her mum had heard of his affair . She peeled him off and informed him he was not only heartbroken he was now also homeless. Needless to say he dodged child support and didn't bother with his 2 young children
Forward 45 years his daughter still wants nothing to do with him though his son now has contact. You couldn't make it up. What planet was he on? So many of these cheats have zero perspective or self awareness .

My late husband's ex offered him "the chance" to "come home" two years after he left her. (At that time, he had to wait two years for a divorce in Scotland.) She was still cohabiting with the OM at the time!

I'm very cynical, but I'm convinced that she was intent on re-starting the clock on the time apart needed for a divorce. It was all very strange. She seemed intent on portraying herself as the victim: she'd issued DH with a list of demands that he had to fulfil. In return, she would stop attending the mutual hobby that she had with the OM.

DH was incredulous. Nevertheless, he continued to take the high ground and didn't discuss matters with others. (That was a huge mistake - she did! It was years before some people realised that he wasn't a philanderer.)

He tried to keep things civilised for the sake of the adult children, to the extent that the ex would still turn to him for help. Whenever she had a problem like a flat tyre, she'd phone DH. (The OM was younger, but a bit of a weed.)

I think I might have mentioned that when Dh and I got married, she told everyone that she was going away on holiday to "get away from the wedding" and left 3 days before.

We got back from our honeymoon to discover that she'd booked herself and the OM into the sister hotel of our honeymoon hotel...

I don't think the OM ever knew that she'd tried to persuade DH to sell up his place and "come home" to her. When he died unexpectedly some years later, he had left everything that he had to her. (I think that she was the only girlfriend he'd ever had.)

Less than a year after the OM's death, she was seeing a widower. Less than a year after that widower's death, she was seeing yet another widower. I have no idea how she does it, but I recall DH drily observing that - when he was a young man - it was the ex who had chased him.

Many years ago I worked at Relate. I answered the phone one day and all I could hear was a man sobbing. He could barely breathe so I did all the ‘ok, take your time’ stuff. He eventually calmed down enough to say in a strangled voice, ‘my wife’s found out I’m having an affair’. 🙄

Sheesh pity party eejit.

@Gingerloaf

Some men seem to expect women to make their lives easy and their egos intact no matter what the circumstance. They expect us to let them leave us quietly without any emotional outbursts and get angry if we don't. But those same men get angry if we don't visibly fall to pieces after they're gone, but instead quietly pick up our lives and move forward. And they try to say that we're illogical! Idiots!

My sons friend has left his wife. Two years ago she was caught enjoying a knee trembler up against a tree in the local woodland by a mutual friend. They got past that.

She's been caught again by her employer propositioning a parent at the school, who did complain.

He's a broken man. Luckily family are local so he had somewhere to go.

We know his mum who is staying out of it for the Grandchildren's sake despite her shock.

The biggest surprise is her shameless attitude to it all. It's not just men who behave badly.

I feel it’s possibly the same with cheaters, it’s probably not their first rodeo and they potentially are serial cheaters throughout the marriage.

This thought occurred to me when I thought back to an occasion when I'd asked one of the women in the gathering to come to another room because I wanted to ask her about something she was experienced in. She was shaking like a leaf and could hardly speak. I thought it very odd at the time but now I know what a good liar my ex is and what a charmer he can be I strongly suspect there had been something between them. I hope for her sake she was a willing participant. I strongly suspect there were others and I doubt very much he'll be being faithful to the woman who created a vacancy by marrying him.

@Gingerloaf you inspire me and so many others, I'm sure

You are all amazing - will try and answer

@WellHelloScottie - everything shit down now - he played his last fuckwit game this week and I decided November is my month to clear away the baggage and really start the new chapter. Binned some of his stuff he left here and I am hitting my stride re being me.

@cookiebee - thank you for the quotes
have you ever challenged you OH about that time in your life. Does he know you saw the signs?? I know I let things go when H was being an arse - I think I stupidly took unconditional love to mean sometime putting up with shite. I was also exhausted from a demanding job and giving too much to others. I k ow I need to cherish myself more - and today nails and hair done, lost weight and a new top I look the best I have in forever. I was tempted to k peck on her door and ask for my H but decided silence is more powerful - plenty time to show the new me when the time is right

@justasking111 - not off topic - the world is full of takers. Sad but true

@Beaverbridge - I honestly feel 10
years younger and full of a power I have not seen in so long. My friends say I look great - he can have mousey. I suspect he is trapped and has no idea what to do - me, I am going to hold my head up high and smile. Music blaring in the lounge I am dancing under this new moon and looking forward- I will not be held down by anyone. He can have his share of the money, I have had a couple of job offers and feel great!

@LivelyMintViper - cheaters enter a new universe of me, me, me - they are pathetic individuals who clearly lack something

@WearyAuldWumman - yep, no being silenced for me. Anyone remember the film Fried Green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe?? - where Kathy Bates rams a car of some young women who steal her parking spot. And she says something like ‘face it girls I am older but have more insurance’ - I feel like that now!

@AppleDumplingWithCustard - that is a prize post - it should be part of Relate training. Me, me, me

@justasking111 - agree - a low moral code has no distinction for gender, sexuality, religion, age - my H has now for his family supporting him
But they are no great loss and clearly deluded

My favourite scene in GFT!

I found your thread here by accident. I did follow your first. I am so glad you are still growing you and dealing with the fallout so awesomely. Especially as he will try to control the narrative where other people are concerned. You are an inspiration and I wish I’d had your threads as a guiding light when I went through similar. It’s a hard road in many ways but you are an example to us all. My now ex was totally delusional in many ways. The truth was what he wanted it to be at any given moment and could be the opposite the next day, even hour, and it was almost scary how some people didn’t seem to realise his about turns but accepted whatever he said. There were those who saw through him before I did though , and I wish I’d paid more attention. Anyway, I raise my glass to you and hope your journey continues with no more potholes.

@DearDenimEagle - lovely to meet again. Hope all is well with you

I think the next 2 months will be interesting- dark nights, dreary days - and the tribe of woman who confronted the OW are not going to let up. They are more resolute about it - particularly that she knowingly shagged a married man

A friend of mine pondered that OW is probably unaware of how much damage she has caused. But I think someone previously said she owes me nothing - this is hard to accept in light of her knowing what she was doing and my H introducing me to her. It’s the feeling that she thinks she has won - and that the kids and I have the shit show to contend with
I am holding onto the universe / karma/ God / social justice will out - would love it to be sooner rather than later

As for H I think he’s trapped in a prison if his own making - a small house with a woman trying to replace her dead husband. He has to be in her - very different life- just to have a roof over his head. I think he expects me to sort this mess because that’s what I have always done. At the moment he can’t meet me, won’t come to the house etc - it’s as if he is still running and as long as he does not see it , then it never happened / never was and he didn’t break it. It’s breathtaking and pathetic in one fell swoop.

I like the comparison between STBXH “Affairing Down” and devolving because his ego sat in the driving seat and @Gingerloaf is blossoming. She is proving that without him leeching, she has had the time, space and energy to nurture herself and simply bloom. That must be excruciating for him to witness.

I am also loving how @Gingerloaf is blossoming - using the (unwanted) extra time for personal growth. It's helpful to me to think about how being part of a couple can have a minimising effect on an individual, while in other aspects can help realise potential.

@Fraaahnces - I dont see how he can see my change - no social media, no friends contact, no face to face contact , not sure he has seen me out and about I am very careful

All he knows is the responses to emails - which are avoiding any tit for tat opportunity.
I am not responding as he expects - that’s for sure
So actually I can’t see how he would know anything about me.

But I know I look good - I am also thinking about him less ( one if those weird FB pages said if you are thinking about them they are thinking about you - I don’t normally do woo woo but…) I made a conscious effort to distract myself from the thought of him / them