Help me get out of this please

[MerlotStreep]

This is going to be super embarrassing, I fully expect to be told how ridiculous this all is but I need help getting out of my farce of a relationship.

Backstory: Long distance, nearly two years, visited him twice, he has visited me three times.

I tried to break up with him about 6 months ago. Told him it was over, blocked him everywhere, ended up having to change my number. He appeared on my doorstep, I sent him away. He changed emails, got new phone numbers, basically everything he could to make contact with me. He attempted suicide.

I suffer from depression and at a weak point, responded to a message. I shouldnt have done and it took off from there. We got back together and now I am just as miserable as I was when I broke up with him before.

He is insecure, questioned the life out of me on my sexual history, checks to see when I am online all the time, wont let me have any space and makes me feel bad if I do take it. Has a delicate ego and goes in moods with me if I say something he doesnt like. I also have PMDD and he always insists its my PMDD and depression that makes me unhappy in the relationship. I dont deal with confrontation well and he twists things to suit his own narrative. I end up either just going blank or getting so stressed I end up shaking. He expects me to be online at his beck and call, spend all my free time with him. I am very isolated where I live and use online to be able to socialise, but it cant involve men.

I want out and it should be easy right? So why am I not just doing it? I think my self esteem is just so low, and he made me feel such a terrible person for going no contact with him. I dont have the energy to deal with the dramatics that happened last time. I dont want to have to change my number again, delete email address, make new one. I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me. But its not going to happen is it?

Please help me find the strength to get this done. He thinks he is going to be coming over for a visit in a months time. I've just been going along with whatever he says because I am so emotionally spent in dealing with him. I used to be an assertive confident person. I'm not anymore.

You may not want to change your number, email, et cetera - but it is by far the most effective way of getting rid of him. After blocking him on all platforms, obviously.

If he turns up on your doorstep again and refuses to leave, call the police. Say you feel threatened.

Do what you did the first time. Dump him, block him. If he shows up at your door, call the police.

Fuck his suicide threats, it's all emotional blackmail. Men don't "attempt" suicide, they either do it or they don't. That "attempt" was just a way of snaring you back. Tell him you'll commit suicide if he doesn't fuck off out of your life!

As he has history of turning up. Try the grey rock technique to back away. Be boring to him, talk about things he has no interest in. Leave longer between messages. Ask him nothing about his interests, no talk about feelings. Don't meet up. Slowly fade, until there's minimal chat and he ends it or you do as there's nothing going on.

If you truly want no contact, you'll change your number and email address.

Yep that. Do a Clare’s law check on him? Tell him it’s over and don’t even think of turning up because police will be called. Get a ring doorbell so you have video if he comes to your doorstep. Fuck it, move house if you have to! You CAN and will get back to who you were before you met him.

You need to block him again. Take a deep breath and push those buttons.
If he turns up then tell him he needs to go away, if he doesn't then call the police and tell them you feel threatened. You must follow through with this.

If you block him properly, on all platforms, then he can't emotionally blackmail you, or threaten self harm.

Then make time to do The Freedom Programme.

EDIT - just noticed this
I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me
He won't because he is feeding off your depression and feeling miserable and upset. The lower you go the stronger and more powerful he feels. Cut off his supply and block him.

He's been telling you that your unhappiness with him is not really about him. This may have made you doubt yourself, which is exactly how he intends it. He's a manipulative, coercive prick. Fuck him and his suicide threats, trying to force you to be with him.

Send him a last message, that's it's unequivocally over for good and if he shows up at your door again you'll call the police and have him removed.
Then, after blocking him, change your email address so he can't ever reach you again. If he does show up and is at your door, don't let him in. Do call the police if he won't leave.

Get rid of him, OP. And I hate to say this, but he sounds dangerous. He could turn into a stalker. Be careful!

This. My PMDD and depression really mess with my head and I do end up doubting myself. Just now I am two days away from AF so he will straight away refuse to accept a breakup and try to convince me its because of the PMDD. I feel physically sick at going through all the stress of the last break up again, but I do know it has to be done. I just have all the bad things he said after the last break up running through my head. How terrible it is to just break up with someone out of the blue, how I have abandoned his kid, how I have led him on, how everything was just fine a day ago, etc. I dont know why I care. Probably because I have pretty much convinced myself I am a horrible person and I dont want to be. I'm sorry, I know how weak I sound. Thank you for the replies, I appreciate them, very much.

so he will straight away refuse to accept a breakup and try to convince me its because of the PMDD.
How can he convince you if you've blocked him? You need to take a deep breath and keep telling yourself he is the rotten one, not you.

Just now I am two days away from AF
No idea what that is, but if you are suffering from depression and other stuff then call your GP. Either you need to be on meds, or need them adjusting, or need different ones, even if it's only for a short while. Talk to your GP about what is happening as they could refer you to some form of counselling which could benefit you right now.

Keep taking those deep breaths. In through the nose for 5 seconds, hold, then slowly release through the mouth. Repeat five times. Shake your shoulders, then your arms, then your hands, wiggle your body and shake out each leg and foot.

You've got this

Am I right you have only met each other 5 times in 2 years? Saying you’re abandoning his kid is actually quite ridiculous in these circumstances and he doesn’t sound at all well. He doesn’t have to know everything you do and where you go and who with. Don’t tell him. He’s miles away.

Could you gradually pick up your socialising again? In this way you will have a support network/interests to distract you from feeling lonely and won’t be tempted to unblock him. Maybe join a new evening class.

When you are ready, and before this proposed visit, text him to say it isn’t working for you anymore and you need to move on. You wish him well. You don’t want to see him and if he does turn up or contact you in any way you will consider that harassment and report him.

Block him on everything.

Agree with PP get a ring doorbell or similar. Maybe consider moving if you’re a bit isolated, not just because of him but because it might be better for you.

You’ll be ok OP.

You feel weak because he has made you feel like a bad person and is emotionally abusive. It’s not your fault.

You don’t need any reason to break up with someone. If it doesn’t work for you you have every right to break it off. You owe him nothing.

Send him a message stating,

“I am ending this relationship. I do not want to hear from you again. Do not contact me ever again. Do not come to my home. If you contact me or come anywhere near me, the police will be called and I will have you arrested. I repeat, this relationship is over and I want nothing more to do with you. Any contact will be reported to the police for harassment. If you attempt to threaten me with coercive, emotional blackmail or self harm, I will also report this to the police. Our relationship is over.”

Then Block his number on your phone, block him on social media, block him on email. Call the police and tell them that you just broke up with your abusive partner and have concerns that he may escalate and come to your home as he has done this before. Tell them he has threatened suicide before. Ask them to put a tag on your address so that if you call them in the future, they will respond quickly.

I have worked with domestic abuse survivors for a number of years now and this man sounds dangerous to me. So, you must do this to protect yourself. Keep your door locked at all times and do not answer if he comes to your home. Immediately call the police. They will come and remove him from the premises. If he comes back do the same thing every time and then you will be able to apply for a non mol.

If he creates new profiles, calls from a new number or emails from a new email, block these too and report it to the police.

Get a ring doorbell or similar installed in your home to record any time he might turn up.

you might want to call women’s aid for support and since this guy seems like the type to potentially stalk you, contact paladin too.

Finally, read this book. It will help you understand abusive behaviour.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

None of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything to deserve it. He is manipulating you and purposely making you feel bad about yourself. Over time, this can really harm a person. His threats of suicide are just another way to coerce and control you. You are not responsible for his actions. If he threatens self harm, call the police and tell them. They will do a welfare check and make sure he is fine. They will also log the incident, (get a copy of the incident number) and it can be used to prove coercive and abusive controlling behaviour on his part.

I know it’s hard and scary but you did this before and you can do it again. It often takes women multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. With support, you can get out and stay out. The positive is that you do not live with this man so it makes leaving a little easier. You can do this. If you need support, keep talking on here. You’ve done brilliantly for speaking up here already. That takes a lot of strength and courage. You are stronger than you think you are. Well done.

This is victim blaming. The OP has been emotionally abused and manipulated. Your comment is not helpful at all. People who say things like this to victims of domestic abuse have zero understanding of coercive control and emotional abuse. He is gaslighting and guilt tripping the op. He has isolated her socially by using emotional blackmail, threats of self harm, constantly demanding her undivided attention, stalking her online, telling her mental health issues are the problem and confusing her. If you don’t have anything supportive to say to a lady who has reached out for support to end an abusive relationship, then I suggest you keep your mouth shut. Are you really so deeply unhappy and insecure that you feel better about yourself by posting unhelpful, victim blaming comments to vulnerable women? Maybe you should get some therapy to understand why you feel the need to do such a callous thing to someone asking for help. Your comment speaks volumes about you and none of it is positive.

Send him one last text saying it is over, not to contact you again or harass you in any way, or you will ring the police, then block on everything, change your number, make a folder for if you do get any emails & just file without reading. Get a ring doorbell so you can see if he is at your door & ring the police without answering the door.

I stand by what I say you can call it what you like when I need to think about what to do about a situation I think 'it's in my control what should I do about it' and do that

Label it what you want but I assume you are projecting some serious issues there

I echo previous posts; tell him it's over and block him. If he appears on your doorstep, call the police. It sounds as if you've worked out what he's like anyway, a nasty piece of work - he's being extremely manipulative and overbearing. End it, block, and act accordingly if he turns up. Do NOT open the door to him. Get a ring doorbell if you haven't already (or a cheaper version) so you've got video evidence if he harasses you.

Call women’s help line for advice. You may be given advice re counselling or even relocation. Call the police any time he threatens suicide or turns up.

Good grief! He sounds horribly controlling and manipulative. I understand your exhaustion and anxiety regarding this relationship.
I agree with the advice given by other members of MN, you need him to stay far away from you and you need no further contact! All the best.🌼

His behaviour is abusive and your are a victim of domestic abuse. Please contact domestic abuse support service like Women's Aid or Refuge. They can support your while to make the break from him.
Wishing you strength OP.

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/coercive-control/

I second everything @TipsyJoker said - and that book is really helpful if you're tempted to think, "wow these are strong replies, perhaps I've been unfair to the guy, he wouldn't hit me or anything."

I had to end a bad relationship twice - it's actually really helpful, because you've done your trial run and you won't make the same mistake next time because you'll say to yourself, "no, I thought that last time, I went back to him and within half an hour I was wanting out again!" (Ok, maybe not half an hour!)

Talking to the police as TipsyJoker suggested will help because this time you won't be doing it on your own. Having other people take you seriously with this is so helpful when you can't get his thoughts out of your head (and sometimes you're not even sure which thoughts are yours and which are his). You've got the police, you've got this thread and Women's Aid is also helpful as suggested by a PP.

Don't feel it's not serious enough to take to the police. TipsyJoker knows what she's talking about, she's worked with people in similar bad relationships. One of the things that makes your situation concerning is how quickly he's developed a sense of ownership over you, given how little you've actually met. He's a wrong un, all right! But you can do this!

Get rid & block
You can see it is wrong so pluck up the courage to ignore and do not doubt this weirdo is not your problem.
Tell him get lost.
Is anyone nearby who can show up to support you of he causes unwanted visits?

I had this with an ex who threatened suicide and harassed me saying I was “evil” for breaking up with him.
i just had to ride the storm and block him on everything. I wasn’t evil, I just didn’t love him and he was honestly quite a nutter . His emotional blackmail and jealousy was beyond all control and I had to get out.
think of you and put you first. This man is a vampire and he is draining the life from you.

How he behaved during the last break up was harassment, and that is not okay.

Speak to the Suzy Lamplugh trust and the National Stalking helpline for advice.

I know advice here is to block his number… But if the police need to know the volume of harassment then it may be worth transferring the contact no he has to a PAYG handset which you only look at once a day to monitor activity, then report to police as soon as it reaches an unacceptable level. You can get a new number and never give it to him.

Thank you everyone. I am going to break up with him today. Last time we broke up, he inundated me with all sorts of gifts, cards etc. Usually through amazon. Is there something I can do about that, aside from throwing them in the bin, as in so they don't even get delivered? It went on for about 3 months, a daily reminder that I hated.