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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get out of this please

157 replies

MerlotStreep · 12/10/2024 00:31

This is going to be super embarrassing, I fully expect to be told how ridiculous this all is but I need help getting out of my farce of a relationship.

Backstory: Long distance, nearly two years, visited him twice, he has visited me three times.

I tried to break up with him about 6 months ago. Told him it was over, blocked him everywhere, ended up having to change my number. He appeared on my doorstep, I sent him away. He changed emails, got new phone numbers, basically everything he could to make contact with me. He attempted suicide.

I suffer from depression and at a weak point, responded to a message. I shouldnt have done and it took off from there. We got back together and now I am just as miserable as I was when I broke up with him before.

He is insecure, questioned the life out of me on my sexual history, checks to see when I am online all the time, wont let me have any space and makes me feel bad if I do take it. Has a delicate ego and goes in moods with me if I say something he doesnt like. I also have PMDD and he always insists its my PMDD and depression that makes me unhappy in the relationship. I dont deal with confrontation well and he twists things to suit his own narrative. I end up either just going blank or getting so stressed I end up shaking. He expects me to be online at his beck and call, spend all my free time with him. I am very isolated where I live and use online to be able to socialise, but it cant involve men.

I want out and it should be easy right? So why am I not just doing it? I think my self esteem is just so low, and he made me feel such a terrible person for going no contact with him. I dont have the energy to deal with the dramatics that happened last time. I dont want to have to change my number again, delete email address, make new one. I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me. But its not going to happen is it?

Please help me find the strength to get this done. He thinks he is going to be coming over for a visit in a months time. I've just been going along with whatever he says because I am so emotionally spent in dealing with him. I used to be an assertive confident person. I'm not anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 13:18

Thank you all, it really means so much to have so much support. This morning I was actually horrified at the message and very nearly played into it and responded. But I caught myself and reminded myself that it doesn't matter at all what he thinks of me. He can do and say what he wants, I decide what I let affect me.

OP posts:
Catoo · 28/10/2024 13:36

Why haven’t you spoken to the police yet OP?

You gave him a boundary. He’s crossing it daily.

Call the police. Tell them you were very clear you wanted no contact. Since then you’ve had x emails. Could they possibly speak to him and ask him to stop.

I did this many years ago. The police took it seriously. I got one more letter hand delivered saying he was ‘bowing out now’ and that was it.

If you can almost be tempted to reply to bullshit like this, you really do need to get the messages stopped or you will reward him with a reply one day when he’s thrown together a word salad that touches a nerve.

You still seem to think what he says is true from his perspective. I say it’s just all absolute crap. He’s not well and he throws together stuff he thinks will hurt and get a response. He is clearly unhinged. You only met him a few times. The ramblings of a mad person who doesn’t even know you that well really shouldn’t be something you spend so much time on.

Have you spoken to your doctor/MH professional for some extra support at this time?

Sortumn · 28/10/2024 13:40

What he is doing is harassment. The fact he's obsessively writing these giant missives rather than moving on is very scary.
Please go to the police. They will be interested.
Claire's law was designed for exactly this sort of scenario as men will often begin with harassing women like this but their behaviour can escalate.
Whether that escalation is with you or the next woman. Please take it seriously.

DoctorAngelface · 28/10/2024 13:50

The best thing is to starve it of attention, I reckon. I've had an ex send constant messages before. He was very persistent but eventually he found the silence too unnerving. Eventually talking into the void will get to him.

It's the best revenge too. Treat him like he means nothing.

Original poster
MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 14:37

i havent gone to the police because i figure there isnt a whole lot they can do, he is 4000 odd miles away in another country. Im fairly certain they would just say to document everything etc.

I think I should just get a grip and ignore until he stops. Hopefully he will be getting enough attention and validation from his family and online to embrace his victim role and move on.

OP posts:
wulves · 28/10/2024 14:54

These types don’t move on. I had one like him and he wrote to me every day about his life despite zero response from me. I eventually gave in and changed my email address. It was annoying having to go through the hassle but otherwise you can never get away from these types. Going forward I suggest you have a separate email for important stuff that you never give out except to businesses and trusted family etc, and one you use that can easily be discarded to give to people like this.

Gonk123 · 28/10/2024 14:54

If you ever feel like responding again, come in here first and we will help you realise it’s the work g thing to do. Any response feeds it. Lack of response will just get boring from him. I would seriously get another email account so that you are not even aware of any emails coming through.

category12 · 28/10/2024 14:56

I would seriously get another email account so that you are not even aware of any emails coming through.

I agree. If you remove all his methods of contacting you, OP, then it's done with.

It's not like he'll turn up on your doorstep from 4000 miles away.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/10/2024 15:04

Your latest update…. so the last time he turned up on your doorstep he travelled 4000 miles to do it?
I do think it’s a positive he is a far way away.
This wasn’t a proper relationship OP, it was a long distance connection.
You will be able to get over this.
I can’t believe he’s writing as if you have had a long, close relationship… from 4000 miles away!

Original poster
MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 15:35

Yes he did. I told him it was over and blocked him everywhere. Just a few days later he turned up on my doorstep. He expected to stay with me, hadn’t even booked any accommodation. I turned him away and then he messaged me to guilt trip me into letting him stay, saying he had no money and nowhere to go. I sent the email to his parents and refused to take him in. He flew home two days later.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/10/2024 15:38

MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 15:35

Yes he did. I told him it was over and blocked him everywhere. Just a few days later he turned up on my doorstep. He expected to stay with me, hadn’t even booked any accommodation. I turned him away and then he messaged me to guilt trip me into letting him stay, saying he had no money and nowhere to go. I sent the email to his parents and refused to take him in. He flew home two days later.

Mad.

Well, if he does that again, same drill, turn him away. I would think he learnt from that experience and won't try it again, though.

I still think closing down all methods of contact is your best plan.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/10/2024 15:40

MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 15:35

Yes he did. I told him it was over and blocked him everywhere. Just a few days later he turned up on my doorstep. He expected to stay with me, hadn’t even booked any accommodation. I turned him away and then he messaged me to guilt trip me into letting him stay, saying he had no money and nowhere to go. I sent the email to his parents and refused to take him in. He flew home two days later.

Don’t worry I won’t ask where but 4000 miles is some distance! What an arsehole.
Honestly, I am not making light of it at all, but his tone is very much of a man who has given everything in his world to an evil woman who has destroyed him.
He is absolutely bonkers OP. He’s like a male version of Baby Reindeer.
No wonder he doesn’t understand how long you have to wait for counselling on the NHS!
Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing brilliantly!

MidnightBlossom · 28/10/2024 17:46

Hadn't appreciated the 4k distance!! Utterly bloody mad to turn up on your doorstep - you did exactly the right thing in turning him away.

I echo the advice to start a new email and change everything over. I did it years back. After I'd made sure everything had moved, I set it to auto-reply to any new emails saying "this email is no longer in use and your message has not been read or forwarded".

Gabbyghoul · 28/10/2024 17:48

He sounds like a fucking psychopath.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 29/10/2024 06:37

How are you doing @MerlotStreep ?

Aquacrab · 31/10/2024 16:42

MerlotStreep · 28/10/2024 13:18

Thank you all, it really means so much to have so much support. This morning I was actually horrified at the message and very nearly played into it and responded. But I caught myself and reminded myself that it doesn't matter at all what he thinks of me. He can do and say what he wants, I decide what I let affect me.

Exactly, his words mean nothing. He is nothing to you.

God, he's pathetic isn't he. He's like the little man behind the curtain in the wizard of Oz, under all those ridiculous words he's typed to you, trying to make himself feel powerful.

I'd let the police know about him. He's come to your home before, he might do it again.

Original poster
MerlotStreep · 01/11/2024 23:16

All was quiet for a good few days there, but today is his birthday and sure enough, another new email address and another message as follows:

Hi baby!! Wow. Just...wow! Thank you for the absolutely amazing birthday surprises! Instead of that plane ticket to you'd promised, I get the gift of broken promises, sudden betrayal and complete silence... Again! Truly unforgettable. You really didn't miss beat honey!

I can't tell you how meaningful it feels to be left with no explanation, just abrupt rejections and closed doors. It's like you went out of your way to make sure I'd remember this birthday forever. I think back to your birthday just a few weeks ago, how I pulled out all the stops to make it special for you. I coordinated with your child, spent hundreds of dollars on thoughtful gifts a whole espresso setup, coffee pods, everything to show you how much you meant to me. And for my birthday? You cut me off entirely, leaving me with unanswered questions, confusion, and the sting of betrayal. Perfect.

Really, thanks for showing me exactly what I mean to you. I'm genuinely stunned by the efficiency of it all. The love, promises, and reassurances...only to disappear in the coldest way possible. So, here's to you-"the love of my life" who managed to turn
something as simple as a birthday into a lesson on abandonment.

So yeah, happy birthday to me. Thanks for the amazing memories. I'd say this has left me with a sense of closure, but, oh, right-I still have no clue what happened or why. So yeah happy birthday to me!

Thank you for working so hard to make it so unforgettable! Trust me I will never forget this.

But for real, hope you and ex husband are having a wonderful time together!! You deserve each other.

He was always insecure about my ex husband. Anyways, blocked this new email address, screenshot the message then deleted.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 02/11/2024 00:12

Yuk

He doesn't really want to accept that he was never the love of your life, does he...

I mean you saw him 10 times!

Aria999 · 02/11/2024 00:15

You really need to change email address and phone number (and ideally move house). I am mildly concerned for your safety.

TipsyJoker · 02/11/2024 00:15

MerlotStreep · 01/11/2024 23:16

All was quiet for a good few days there, but today is his birthday and sure enough, another new email address and another message as follows:

Hi baby!! Wow. Just...wow! Thank you for the absolutely amazing birthday surprises! Instead of that plane ticket to you'd promised, I get the gift of broken promises, sudden betrayal and complete silence... Again! Truly unforgettable. You really didn't miss beat honey!

I can't tell you how meaningful it feels to be left with no explanation, just abrupt rejections and closed doors. It's like you went out of your way to make sure I'd remember this birthday forever. I think back to your birthday just a few weeks ago, how I pulled out all the stops to make it special for you. I coordinated with your child, spent hundreds of dollars on thoughtful gifts a whole espresso setup, coffee pods, everything to show you how much you meant to me. And for my birthday? You cut me off entirely, leaving me with unanswered questions, confusion, and the sting of betrayal. Perfect.

Really, thanks for showing me exactly what I mean to you. I'm genuinely stunned by the efficiency of it all. The love, promises, and reassurances...only to disappear in the coldest way possible. So, here's to you-"the love of my life" who managed to turn
something as simple as a birthday into a lesson on abandonment.

So yeah, happy birthday to me. Thanks for the amazing memories. I'd say this has left me with a sense of closure, but, oh, right-I still have no clue what happened or why. So yeah happy birthday to me!

Thank you for working so hard to make it so unforgettable! Trust me I will never forget this.

But for real, hope you and ex husband are having a wonderful time together!! You deserve each other.

He was always insecure about my ex husband. Anyways, blocked this new email address, screenshot the message then deleted.

Yeah if you haven’t done it yet, now you need to report him to the police. He’s had plenty of time and opportunity to leave you alone but he’s continuing his abuse. He needs to be stopped by the police. Please report him now. Call and ask to speak with a domestic abuse trained officer. Show them the messages, emails, social media posts and posts on your support groups. Tell them everything and report this. Hopefully their involvement will be enough to rid you of this lunatic forever.

You’re doing the right thing and you’re being incredibly strong and brave. You should be very proud of yourself. Well done.

Catoo · 02/11/2024 01:14

@TipsyJoker He’s 1000s of miles away as I recall. So doubtful anything can be done unless he turns up in person.

TheSilkWorm · 02/11/2024 03:42

You could report him online to whatever local police force cover where he lives but it might not get anywhere. I can see why you don't want to close down your email address but that might be the only way to stop hearing from him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 02/11/2024 06:14

What a nasty individual he is. So he bought you some coffee stuff for your birthday and now demands a plane ticket?
He is cruel and passive-aggressive. This message doesn’t acknowledge you at all, it is all about him. He’s gone from saying how he will ‘wait for you’ to this?
The mention of your ex is new. He obviously can’t believe you would leave him to be on your own.
Keep doing what you are doing. At some point he will give up.
I am just glad he’s 4000 miles away!

Aquacrab · 02/11/2024 07:07

I honestly think you're dealing with a total psychopath here. Please do as others have said and screenshot everything and take it all to the police. Explain he's previously come to your home and is harassing you both in person and online. The police near where he is need to get involved too. I think he's potentially dangerous because he's refusing to stop contacting you. He's refusing to take no for an answer, crossing your boundaries and as he's already turned up before, he is unpredictable.

Justsayit123 · 02/11/2024 07:08

Stay strong and never respond. Just file away these communications as evidence.

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