Help me get out of this please

[MerlotStreep]

This is going to be super embarrassing, I fully expect to be told how ridiculous this all is but I need help getting out of my farce of a relationship.

Backstory: Long distance, nearly two years, visited him twice, he has visited me three times.

I tried to break up with him about 6 months ago. Told him it was over, blocked him everywhere, ended up having to change my number. He appeared on my doorstep, I sent him away. He changed emails, got new phone numbers, basically everything he could to make contact with me. He attempted suicide.

I suffer from depression and at a weak point, responded to a message. I shouldnt have done and it took off from there. We got back together and now I am just as miserable as I was when I broke up with him before.

He is insecure, questioned the life out of me on my sexual history, checks to see when I am online all the time, wont let me have any space and makes me feel bad if I do take it. Has a delicate ego and goes in moods with me if I say something he doesnt like. I also have PMDD and he always insists its my PMDD and depression that makes me unhappy in the relationship. I dont deal with confrontation well and he twists things to suit his own narrative. I end up either just going blank or getting so stressed I end up shaking. He expects me to be online at his beck and call, spend all my free time with him. I am very isolated where I live and use online to be able to socialise, but it cant involve men.

I want out and it should be easy right? So why am I not just doing it? I think my self esteem is just so low, and he made me feel such a terrible person for going no contact with him. I dont have the energy to deal with the dramatics that happened last time. I dont want to have to change my number again, delete email address, make new one. I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me. But its not going to happen is it?

Please help me find the strength to get this done. He thinks he is going to be coming over for a visit in a months time. I've just been going along with whatever he says because I am so emotionally spent in dealing with him. I used to be an assertive confident person. I'm not anymore.

Agree with this OP.
What he thinks or says is completely irrelevant now. Your mental health and wellbeing is priority

Could you see your GP again? Maybe they can chase the therapy for you?

Agree with pp keep all communications. Forward to a separate email address or to a trusted friend. They are evidence of his weirdness in case things escalate

This is such good advice. My ex loved telling me what was wrong with me and how I could fix it and for years while we were together I tried to listen and act on it and grow. It was difficult to stop that pattern when we split up but the relief of not having to try to align my thinking to his - to just be able to shrug my shoulders and say to myself "it doesn't matter what he thinks any more" - when I got the hang of it, it was wonderful!

Look up borderline personality disorder and narcissistic traits. He sounds very like my DD's ex. Love bombing, blaming, criticising, can't or won't accept responsibility for being overbearing and controlling ,needs the last word, can't accept that it's over.
My DD put up with this for 4 years, after she spoke to his ex and she confirmed that is what he was like with her and it only stopped when he met DD.
We feel sorry for the next person but it cannot happen soon enough.
Sending support 💐

Don't forget the Ring doorbell, get one asap. If he turns up, you will know, so DONT OPEN THE DOOR. Just ring the police without any further dialogue with him.

Don't read the emails.

Have a folder you dump them into, unread

Best to keep them in case he escalates, as evidence

If you can, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Debecker.

The TLDR is, when you are dealing with this mindset and behaviour, any form of contact from you is a win for him. If you ignore 99 messages and respond in any way to the hundredth, all you've done it taught him it takes 100 messages to get a response.

Do not ever respond ever again, but do call the police if he persists.

Bombarding you with gifts was harassment. If he continues to contact you in any way after you've asked him not to, that is also harassment and needs reporting.
https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Its not s negotiation. He doesn’t gave to agree eith you for you to break up with him. You can not convince him of anything he doesn’t want to acknowledge. He isn’t built that way.

Cut him off. Be less interesting. And simply robotically respind if he does get through . Choose something that is easy for you to say. If it were me Id be hugely insulting but that is just my style if I really wanted to discourage someone.

Dear ex: I will no longer put up with your whining, threats, and poor hygiene. You don’t wipe properly and you stink.

But you should probably just say:

Its not working and I am not interested in you. Its over. Go away.

No need to be sorry, and you don't sound weak. You sound like a person whose self worth has been deliberately beaten down in order to control you.

No projection whatsoever. I’m a counsellor who works with women survivors of domestic abuse. I have a far greater understand of the psychology of abuse than you clearly do. What you would do, is what you think you would do. Domestic abuse is insidious. On average it take a survivor 7 times to finally break free from an abuser. If it was just as simple as end it, that wouldn’t be the case. Women are gaslit and their self esteem and ability to stand up for themselves corroded over a long period of time. I stand by what I said, if you can’t be supportive then keep your ill-informed, opinions to yourself. People like you are part of the reason that women are afraid to come forward for support for fear of being judged and belittled. Maybe you need to have a think about why you think it’s appropriate to come on to this thread and do that. Does it make you feel superior? Do you derive some sick pleasure from kicking others whilst they’re down? Sure seems like it.

Send him one message. “I am ending this relationship. I want no further contact. If you continue to contact me or show up at my home again, I will contact the police”. And then block.

He is emotionally abusing you. He won’t kill himself, it’s a standard line.

Well done. You have been incredibly brave and you should be very proud of yourself. Keep talking when you need to. Still contact women’s aid for support. It might be useful for you to do the freedom programme. When you’re ready. If he sends you want thing in the mail, first check if it has his address on it as the return sender. If it does, do not open it. If it doesn’t and you open it, report it to the police. Log everything as harassment. I think you should speak to paladin too.

www.paladinservice.co.uk

What he is doing here is called DARVO.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/

it’s a common tactic of abusers. Don’t believe it. Save copies of the emails he has sent to report to the police. Then block him again. If he sends more from a different email, save those and block the new email. Do not respond to any of them. Just log, block and report.

You’re doing great. Find something to do this evening that you enjoy. Put on your favourite comedy movie that makes you feel happy and watch that with your favourite snacks. If you feel anxious, you might want to try listening to this, it’s free and has worked for many people I’ve known who have used it

Thank you, I have been so confused in trying to understand what was going on whenever we got into conflict and DARVO is it exactly. I have never heard of that before.

He would always deny anything that was poor behaviour from him and then turn it around on me. I have an appalling memory, always have and he knew that. He had catch phrases he liked to trot out whenever we were having a disagreement. He would say 'dont put words in my mouth' and 'things are more nuanced than that' and 'you are choosing to die on that hill'. He would say everything had been totally fine and this 'one thing' was not a big deal. It was so exhausting and exasperating.

It's not abusive to break up with someone.

Stay strong OP this guy sounds like a basket case.

Maybe you should Airbnb your house and go on a 6 month walking tour in a very remote location 🙂

It’s good that you can now start to work through what’s been happening and see that he has been very manipulative and emotionally abusive. No-one deserves to be abused, ever. Def have a read of that book I posted the link to earlier. It will also help you recognise his behaviour and make sense of what’s been happening. You might like to have a listen to the audiobook, “Out of the fog, moving from confusion to clarity after narcissistic abuse” by Dana Morningstar on YouTube. It’s free. She also has other videos you can watch and learn from.

Well done for blocking him.🌸

He goes about changing his email address to send you a message all about how he has had enough and is tired of you, how you project, and how he deserves better?!? That email is absolute proof that the guy is manipulative.
If I were to receive a message from someone who I was tired of telling me that it was over I would be rather relieved - saved me a job! 👌HE has gone to the effort of making a new email to send "the person who tires him and who projects and who isn't good enough for him" a message all about him!

He is the type who mentally controls. He is attempting to make you feel guilty and unhappy without him. Please do as somebody else advised and do not even read any further messages sent by him. I wish you the best OP - stay strong! 🏵

I use another social media website for support with one of my conditions. This morning I found he made a new account and made a post about me in there. He basically has everyone convinced I’m a terrible mother and person. Obviously I have blocked the account now. It was mostly all lies, saying I am not getting help when I am on medication and twisting me saying I was feeling overwhelmed with my additional needs child to me saying I want to give my child away. I’m a narcissist according to the posters.

He did this last time until I ended up responding. Not going to this time obviously. Just not going to use that site at all anymore. I think here is the only place he doesn’t know about.

Oh @MerlotStreep you poor thing.
He is a fucking headcase stalker.

Regarding last post, he won't have convinced everyone you are a bad mum. It just feels like that.

Contact you local police office and explain what is going on, what he is doing, tell them he turned up last time. This needs recording.

You will be listened to.

Have you got someone who can come round you could offload to?

Remember, and it's hard to emphasize this enough, he is the headcase. When someone breaks up with you it's not normal to keep bombarding them and try and sabotage all of their online support networks. It's not normal.

Keep posting here, there are also parenting support boards here which might be able to point you to other online groups he won't know about.

You have done the right thing. Just the message you had to send to say "this relationship is not working for me" should indicate how much of a headcase he is.

You need to contact the police. He is repeating what he did last time. Don't wait for it to get worse - call the police, get it on record, and then tell them every time he contacts you again or uses social media to harass you.

Don't respond to him.

This is stalking, you need to contact the police and save every contact. Talk to a friend for support and even see your gp for mental health support 🤗

I'm starting to worry about you with the amount of effort he is putting into this. Please go to the police.

Jane Monkton Smith in her book "control" has written about a pattern of behaviour that often escalates and he is several stages down that path.

Screenshot this and anything else like it that he does and report it all to the police. What he is doing is illegal.

Also, please contact Paladin as well as the police. Do this today. Call the non emergency number of your local police say you need to report domestic abuse and stalking and that you wish to speak with a domestic abuse and stalking trained officer.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading and giving me support. I definitely dont think I would have had the strength to get out without you all. Thank you so very much.

I blocked his account before I took a screenshot, I would need to unblock to get the screenshot but then I wouldnt be able to block that account again for another 24 hours.

I have the 4 emails he sent saved though and if things escalate any further I will contact the police. I contacted women's aid today too.