Help me get out of this please

[MerlotStreep]

This is going to be super embarrassing, I fully expect to be told how ridiculous this all is but I need help getting out of my farce of a relationship.

Backstory: Long distance, nearly two years, visited him twice, he has visited me three times.

I tried to break up with him about 6 months ago. Told him it was over, blocked him everywhere, ended up having to change my number. He appeared on my doorstep, I sent him away. He changed emails, got new phone numbers, basically everything he could to make contact with me. He attempted suicide.

I suffer from depression and at a weak point, responded to a message. I shouldnt have done and it took off from there. We got back together and now I am just as miserable as I was when I broke up with him before.

He is insecure, questioned the life out of me on my sexual history, checks to see when I am online all the time, wont let me have any space and makes me feel bad if I do take it. Has a delicate ego and goes in moods with me if I say something he doesnt like. I also have PMDD and he always insists its my PMDD and depression that makes me unhappy in the relationship. I dont deal with confrontation well and he twists things to suit his own narrative. I end up either just going blank or getting so stressed I end up shaking. He expects me to be online at his beck and call, spend all my free time with him. I am very isolated where I live and use online to be able to socialise, but it cant involve men.

I want out and it should be easy right? So why am I not just doing it? I think my self esteem is just so low, and he made me feel such a terrible person for going no contact with him. I dont have the energy to deal with the dramatics that happened last time. I dont want to have to change my number again, delete email address, make new one. I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me. But its not going to happen is it?

Please help me find the strength to get this done. He thinks he is going to be coming over for a visit in a months time. I've just been going along with whatever he says because I am so emotionally spent in dealing with him. I used to be an assertive confident person. I'm not anymore.

Good luck OP, you will feel so much better when you've got rid of him. Re the gifts etc l would bin the cards and donate all the gifts to charity. Then at least someone else is benefitting. All the best and stay strong.

"I'm not happy in this relationship and I have realised that I am not in love with you anymore. Our relationship is over. I do not want contact with you, I do not want you to come to my home, I do not want you to contact my children or my family members. I do not want to receive any sort of mail from you. Any attempts to make contact will be documented, anything sent in the mail will be binned, the police will be informed if you turn up at my door again. Any attempts to emotionally blackmail me with threats of suicide will be documented. It is my right to end a relationship that isn't working for me. I will not respond to any attempts to make contact in any shape or form. To be as clear as I can possibly be, our relationship is over for good. I wish you well, but I need to move on for my own well-being."

I sent this and am now working through any methods of contact he has for me, blocking. Already having a panic attack, but I am determined. Thank you all for helping me be strong.

Well done

Well done @MerlotStreep Keep doing those breathing exercises, keep shaking your body from the top down. It sounds silly but doing that seems to reset the brain a little.

Then start thinking how you want your life to look such as a better social life, hobbies, living nearer to a city, driving lessons if you can't drive, therapy to build up your self confidence and self worth. Dream, plan, execute

Well done @MerlotStreep! Perfect response to him. Breathe through the panic attacks and listen to guided meditations on youtube if you feel overwhelmed. Linda Hall meditations are amazing for grounding you. Also all that @AutumnFroglets recommends above. Wishing you well and a bright future!

Well done.

If he tries to contact you or turns up at your door do not respond / let him in, get straight onto Police.

Any chance you could move in the near future?

Nicely clearly stated. Hard but much much better than being miserable every day with him. Can you take any leave? Can you wfh and work from somewhere else for a few weeks? Have you any good friends who could get your mail before you come back? Block all contact, don’t answer any strange numbers. Only let yourself look at your phone at set times even.

Well done. Sending you strength. He is a coercive bully and you mustn't allow him to inflict himself on you any longer. If he turns up in person, call the police. If he inundates you with gifts, refuse to accept them, tell the Amazon delivery driver to return them.

Well done for writing a very clear message and having the strength to send it OP, he sounds unhinged.

It sounds like you really need to do a lot of work on yourself too OP, it sounds like your self esteem is very low. People who are completely conflict avoidant are very difficult to live with as nothing is ever resolved and resentment builds up - so definitely worth working on that too.

Good luck OP and please be sure to not be dragged back into this mess in a moment of weakness again.

Excellent text, you sound strong, even if you don't feel it! You're absolutely right that it's your right to end a relationship that isn't working for any reason or none.

Email he sent from a new address, I have blocked it now.

Im done trying. I know that's what you've always wanted. I honestly do not know if you love me or not. Part of me is certain you do. You have done so much loving and thoughtful things for me.

The other part of me is just so exhausted of riding on your emotional rollercoaster. At times you are selfless and generous. But when it comes to emotional things you have always been very selfish. You have always placed your emotional needs first. You were absolutely correct when you said on [redacted] you were emotionally abusive. You have been our entire relationship and you projected that onto me. You have kept me on the hook and strung me along this entire time. Constantly going back and forth on our future. Your mockery, your insults to me. I never did that. And you called me emotionally abusive. Complete projection.

You are well aware you have a lot of unaddressed mental illness. It is irresponsible of you that you are aware, but you do not pursue therapy. You started it, but you came up with excuses and stopped. You need to buck up and do it. You will never be happy until you do. You have deep seeded unresolved childhood trauma. Yes I do know what I'm talking about because you've told me extensively what happened.

For your sake, for your children's sake. Go to therapy. You are unstable and need professional help. Breaking up with me will not stop you from spiraling into depression.

I hope you get the help you need. I really enjoyed our time together and I will always love you. But I deserve better than this. Your behavior is honestly just unbelievable, immature and selfish. To be clear I am not saying breaking up is those things, but the cowardly way you do it is.

Have a nice life, get some help. You fucking need it. I am not going to chase you anymore. I love you, but you are not worth it.

There were four, another where he said he had been lying to me about loving me, then another saying he didnt mean that and another about my PMDD and depression.

Sweet divine jesus he is suffocating.

Oh and he has placed the blame on you expecting you to respond.

Dont.

He will continue to contact you though. He will find ways.

Op you have done brilliantly. Everytime you feel yourself weakening, please post on here. It will help your resolve enormously with a hive mind helping.

Please please please don't respond to this. Keep blocking.

As others have said he does sound dangerous, and narcissistic. Sadly I've had a similar experience that ended up with him being charged with ABH.

Do. Not. Respond. In. Any. Way.

This man is nuts. You've done really well to get rid of him. If you don't reply (and you shouldn't) he might ramp up the craziness. Don't delete the messages but archive them and then you have them to show the police if required. Definitely keep your doors locked. Warn your children too.

He did have me convinced for a while that I was emotionally abusive. I still think I am, I definitely did break up with him multiple times, though only once seriously. If we got into conflict, I would ask for a bit of time to process and readdress it, because of my fear response and he would not give it to me. He would carry on and on and eventually I would snap and say its over. Then he would use that against me to excuse his insecurities. So I couldnt have any space but I also had to stay calm and not get distressed whilst trying to work out why he would say something, I would object and then he would say 'he didnt mean it like that' when there was no other possible way he could have meant the things he said. I was so confused and stressed. I used to think I was quite a smart person.

It doesn't really matter who did what to whom. It's a dysfunctional relationship doing neither of you any good.

If you were emotionally abusive, (which I very much doubt) then you're doing him a favour ending it.

If it's him or both, ending it is also the answer.

There's no spin he can put on it where staying together is the healthy option.

He sounds very much like my ex.

@MerlotStreep please keep copies of all communications from him, hopefully they'll never be needed. I found it best not to read what he was saying, the less he was in my head the better for my mental health, but I was advised to keep copies in case he escalated.

In the scenario you give above you were not abusive to break it off when he wouldn’t give you the space to think things over. Which was quite deliberate on his behalf and abusive in itself.

I think in time you’ll look back at this and wonder how someone you met so few times and barely knew managed to get such a hold over you. I do think it is worth arranging some therapy for yourself to talk it all through and to make sure you don’t fall into any more relationships like this.

Well done for getting rid. If he sends many more emails I think it’s worth calling the police for advice.

💐

This and also get a ring doorbell but go away or get a friend to stay and phone the police before you do it and after

Well done. Do not reply to anything

He is right that I did attend a therapy session. I didnt make excuses though. The first session was free and then at the end, the therapist told me how much future sessions would cost. I just couldn't afford it. I am on the waiting list for therapy from the NHS, but its a long wait. In the mean time, I have been trying to do as much self help as I can. I definitely do have mental health issues that I address as much as I can, I am on medication for the severe depressive episodes but I just cant afford private therapy.

You don't need to defend your actions from his accusations. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

Try to make this your new reality: it doesn't matter what he says or thinks.

He's just some bloke, he's not the boss of you or an Oracle or a therapist. He's an ex with his own agenda.