Help me get out of this please

[MerlotStreep]

This is going to be super embarrassing, I fully expect to be told how ridiculous this all is but I need help getting out of my farce of a relationship.

Backstory: Long distance, nearly two years, visited him twice, he has visited me three times.

I tried to break up with him about 6 months ago. Told him it was over, blocked him everywhere, ended up having to change my number. He appeared on my doorstep, I sent him away. He changed emails, got new phone numbers, basically everything he could to make contact with me. He attempted suicide.

I suffer from depression and at a weak point, responded to a message. I shouldnt have done and it took off from there. We got back together and now I am just as miserable as I was when I broke up with him before.

He is insecure, questioned the life out of me on my sexual history, checks to see when I am online all the time, wont let me have any space and makes me feel bad if I do take it. Has a delicate ego and goes in moods with me if I say something he doesnt like. I also have PMDD and he always insists its my PMDD and depression that makes me unhappy in the relationship. I dont deal with confrontation well and he twists things to suit his own narrative. I end up either just going blank or getting so stressed I end up shaking. He expects me to be online at his beck and call, spend all my free time with him. I am very isolated where I live and use online to be able to socialise, but it cant involve men.

I want out and it should be easy right? So why am I not just doing it? I think my self esteem is just so low, and he made me feel such a terrible person for going no contact with him. I dont have the energy to deal with the dramatics that happened last time. I dont want to have to change my number again, delete email address, make new one. I guess I've just been hoping that he will get fed up with me being miserable all the time and break up with me. But its not going to happen is it?

Please help me find the strength to get this done. He thinks he is going to be coming over for a visit in a months time. I've just been going along with whatever he says because I am so emotionally spent in dealing with him. I used to be an assertive confident person. I'm not anymore.

Unblock it. Take the screenshot then stay off the platform for 24 hours. Report the post to the site too. You need the evidence for the police. You’re doing amazingly well. Keep it up. Keep posting on here. Make sure your door is locked in case he comes to you home. Call the police without answering if he shows up.

I’ve attached the screenshot of his post. He has copy pasted the same post in about five other groups on there.

I just feel angry now. He knows I couldn’t afford therapy and the waiting list for free therapy is massive. He knows I considered a hysterectomy because of the PMDD but decided against it due to the health risks. He knows my antidepressants are for PMDD as much as depression. Last time he did this and I stood up for myself, the tide turned on him and then he said how awful it was to be ganged up upon when he was the one who had been dumped. He is literally using my health and mental health conditions to paint me as abusive. But that’s okay. I will never have any form of contact with him ever again. It just saddens me that so many of the responses are from women with the same condition I have. There is no treatment for PMDD other than the antidepressant I am on, therapy which I am waiting for and/or ovary removal/hysterectomy. I tried to manage the irrational stage of it every month by trying to take space but he would sulk, be moody and still send me texts and try to call regardless.

Right. That’s the last moaning from me. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says anymore. I will keep repeating that to myself.

God, he's unhinged. Well done OP, you're doing exactly the right thing. Look after yourself - and definitely read up on abusive behaviour if you can. He ticks a lot of boxes and it'll help build your confidence. These people are vile and do so much damage. You've got this. 🤜🤜

It’s not moaning. Keep talking if you need to. Report him on the platform and also to the police.

Panicked emails?! Haha! Didn’t he mean demeaning, abusive and nasty emails? Classic DARVO.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong. Still speak to women’s aid and paladin. Def report this to the police. I think you should apply for a non mil as soon as you can. Also, speak to women’s aid about getting an IDVA to help you with reporting and apply for the non mol.

Fucking hell. He's crazy.

Obviously you do have some problems with PMDD and depression for which you are having treatment. Therapy will be helpful too.
Getting rid of him will be a major help too. He is making the entire situation even worse with his DARVO (someone has explained this before).

Make sure the fucker remains blocked on everything. Do not give in to temptation. If any emails come in from him delete them without reading. If you get phone calls from unknown numbers don't answer them. In this case I'd actually consider changing your number even though that is a complete pain in the neck.

Then concentrate on you and your children.
One thing that helped me when trying to get out of and stay out of a horrible toxic relationship was giving myself rewards for not having any contact with the fucker.
I printed out a 3 month calendar and stuck it on the fridge. I counted off 30, 60 and 90 days. On those dates I wrote a treat that I would reward myself if I could get that far without contacting him. I think the 30 day one was a shopping trip. The 60 day was a day out sledging to a massive sledge run ( I live abroad) and the 90 day was a day out to a thermal baths.
I crossed off every day on the calendar and seeing the "treat" get nearer really motivated me not to crack and contact the fucker. I also used the time to save up a bit of money so I could afford the treat.
You could maybe do something like that - could be a treat just for you or for you and your children.
It's a way of concentrating on a goal so you stay away from him but at the same time it's also helping you to care for and love yourself a bit more which will help you going forward.

He is a fucking lunatic. Remember when you take yourself out of the equation a person like this will try to destroy your other social relations. Stop looking at what he is saying and look at where and to whom he is saying it. He is out to hurt and control you by destroying you with friends and strangers. Block and report him for harassing you on social media and revealing personal/medical history.

Even without knowing anything about you OP if I was in a support group and any man posted that I would think he’s the problem. He’s absolutely unhinged.
That email to you was absolutely horrific. And if he thinks you are so bloody awful why didn’t he break up with you?
All of this is the narrative of an abuser. All of it.
He can’t take the rejection so he’s hitting out and thinks if he keeps going he might get what he wants.
You have only met him a handful of times so you actually don’t know him very well. He will probably has a history of this.
Keep getting support in here, Women’s Aid, the police, speak if you can to loved ones and let them know.
I know online forums on socials can help if you have a condition but for the time being I would stay away from them. It is not fair on you but just protect yourself.

Keep posting here @MerlotStreep , we've got you

I also suspect your depression and anxiety will mostly disappear once he has properly gone away. Keep records and don't hesitate to contact the police, and well done for messaging Women's Aid.

'This cycle she puts me through is making me miserable'
What the actual fuck? I hope at least one person on that board picks up on that comment and tells him to fuck off, the self-centred, whinging, tin-eared arsehole that he is. You've done so well to break it off with him. Any further emails or contact from him, go straight to the police. He sounds deranged.

Jesus this is really scary.

Well done OP, you're doing brilliantly! He is trying to provoke a reaction from you with his posts on your support forums - it's the only avenue open to him as you've blocked him on everything. Don't give in to the temptation to refute his claims. It doesn't matter what he or any other strangers on the internet think. You are the only one that matters and you know the truth. Have you got a good friend or family member who can support you? Get yourself a ring doorbell asap and do contact the police if you're at all worried or if he turns up. Keep your chin up, you've done the right thing and you are getting your life back. You will not only survive this but you will thrive 💐

Have to agree here.
People who really mean to commit suicide do so.

It’s tragic, but easy to do.

Endless “ Attempts” are usually emotional manipulation to get the object of their focus to run around trying to “support “ them.

It’s a mean trick to play on someone.

Don’t fall for it.

He doesn’t want to die- he wants you under his thumb.

Nutter. Stay strong and be careful what you post on that forum for a while as he's going to be tracking it. I'm not sure how reddit works but in that screenshot there's a green dot (online status?) Next to his avatar so switch yours off. Stop him tracking you that way.

Please don't wait for it to get worse - contact the police now.

I know your inner voice is saying that you don't want to make things worse. Or that you are worried that it's not actually that bad and does it really need the police etc. But this guy is completely unhinged.

The fact that he backed straight off last time you stood up for yourself means he is a coward. But he knows from experience that if he keeps going he will wear you down. So don't respond to him directly - call the police. My guess is that if they have a word with him he'll scuttle off and leave you alone.

Well it’s been over a week now, and all was quiet. I was hoping that was that but just received a message request with this long message

Dear

I’ve spent so much time trying to understand what’s been happening between us, trying to piece together why things unfolded the way they did and why we keep ending up here, in this painful place. I know you care for me deeply, just as I care for you. There’s no question in my mind that you love me, even if sometimes it feels like that love gets buried under layers of fear and self-protection. I know that in your own way, you believe pushing me away is somehow better for me, even if it hurts us both.

I understand now that your depression and the way you cope with it—pulling back, detaching, trying to protect yourself—aren’t things you consciously choose. They’re deeply ingrained habits, ways of managing overwhelming feelings and fears. You’ve told me before that you sometimes feel detached from me, and I realize that feeling isn’t about a lack of love. It’s a defense, a way of protecting yourself from the vulnerability and closeness you’ve never felt safe with. I see that the closer we get, the more that fear of losing control over your emotions takes over.

I’ve watched how hard you are on yourself when you feel you’ve let me down, how painfully aware you are of those moments. It’s a cycle you know, but breaking it alone is overwhelming. I understand that you’re afraid of dragging me down, afraid of hurting me even when I don’t see it that way. But, in pushing me away to avoid harm, you’ve ended up inflicting the pain we were both trying to avoid.

You’ve shown such strength in recognizing this cycle, in knowing that it’s there even if it feels impossible to change. And I believe with all my heart that you can break it, but not alone. I’m asking you to seek professional help—not just for our relationship, but for yourself. I know how aware you are of your actions, and I know how much you want to be able to live without these constant cycles of pain and withdrawal. Therapy could help you find new ways to handle the fear, new ways to build connections without feeling that panic and retreat.

As much as I want to be there for you, I’ve come to realize that my love alone can’t solve this. I need to protect myself from the cycle too. And that’s why, with a heavy heart, I have to say that the cycle has to stop. For both of us.

But please, don’t take this as goodbye. I want nothing more than to reconnect when the time is right, when you feel strong enough and secure enough to allow someone in without fear of hurting or being hurt. I want a future with you, but one where we’re both whole and safe in the love we share. I believe in you. I believe in us. And I’m here, always, cheering for you as you take these next steps.

With all my love

I have screen shot it and deleted it. God its annoying, the tone and the arm chair psychology.

Geez he sounds a right bloody nutter. Stay strong OP. Keep ignoring/blocking. Do not respond, ever.

He's unhinged.

Well done for not responding.

Can i convince you to go to the next step up and not read any more messages from him? Archive them or send to a friend in case needed, but don't let his words emblazoned themselves on your retina. He's still having an effect on you if you read the messages - you can take your power back by stopping reading them.

He is absolutely nauseating! What an ar&ehole! As op said, archive any emails from him and don’t read them. I think you need to start considering reporting him to the police. Any time he contacts you, report it. Time to hammer this lunatic and get rid of him for good. You’re doing amazingly well. You should be very proud of yourself. You’re doing the right thing. Well done OP!

How has this message come through to you OP? However he managed it, get that blocked now too. I would actually also seriously think about a phone number change if this was via text or WhatsApp etc.

He has now directly gone against your very clear instructions to not contact you in any way. Again. I really think it’s time to ring the police just for advice. They may even visit him to warn him that he must not contact you again in any way.

I hope you’ve had some mental peace since breaking it off.

💐

"God its annoying, the tone and the arm chair psychology"

My thoughts exactly! Apparently he knows Anna understands your every inner thought. You are going to feel so much better away from this master manipulator OP. He knows diddly squat about anything!!

Changing your number and email address means there is no way he can contact you. Best way forward.
do you have friends or family, a club you can join…anything to help lift your confidence x

He's trying to rewrite the narrative so that he can convince himself he broke up with you, not the other way around. He is awful.

Patronising twat 🙄 ignore him OP, he's just trying to get a rise out of you.

I read that and felt sick…. he’s urging you to get professional help! Really? You may have a lot going on OP but you write very clearly and cogently. Your thoughts are organised and make absolute sense.
This man is not right in the head. He is basically saying…
We are apart because you are not right in the head but I am such a good person for understanding and forgiving you. I am finishing with you for now but don’t worry when you have professional help we can get back together.
WHAT! You have already finished the relationship, and this message is designed to have you second guessing yourself.
I listen to a guy on YouTube called HG Tudor who talks about narcissism. He would say this guy has seen this relationship ending as ‘challenge fuel’ and he needs to get you back into the fold. It is all about control.
Nothing to do with love at all.
He is a dangerous man and well done for getting rid. Stay strong.

How has he sent you that message?