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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD? BF moving didn’t tell me

787 replies

ShockedAF · 09/10/2024 17:17

Been with bf 3y.
We live next door. We see each other most days and have done for the last 2y.

Recently he’s been on tidy spree, saying he wants to declutter his life. I was over there last night seemed normal.

Today a For Sale sign has gone up. He’s at work. Photographs already online at the Estate Agent.

He’s texting as normal. I feel sick and shaky. I’ve gone ice cold.

He’s decluttering me out of his life isn’t he?

My plan is to just block him and never speak to him again. WWYD?

OP posts:
kop2054 · 12/10/2024 23:55

ShockedAF · 09/10/2024 17:25

Honestly would people all just ask? It seems obvious he’s been hiding it from me. Will he just expect me to casually ask? Would he see me tonight and just not mention it? I’m so confused!

@ShockedAF Unless he's thinking of moving in with you? Still not good that he hasn't mentioned it, but who knows. Also I've known estate agents put signs up on the wrong house before while people were at work so asking might be your best bet. Either way definitely communication seems to be lacking. Good luck.

kop2054 · 13/10/2024 00:12

ShockedAF · 09/10/2024 18:14

Thank you. The tears have arrived now. Going to be a shit few weeks until his arse has moved out.

Show quote history

@ShockedAF So sorry you're hurting so much, but the fact you're thinking about how to deal with it before you do anything tells me how strong you are. I thought you should talk to him when I first read your post, but I agree with you, you don't want him to see how the effect this is having on you. I think you've been amazing to have been able to stop yourself contacting him right away.

There are plenty of smart, kind, wonderful men out there who are far more deserving of your time. You deserve to be with someone who treats you properly.

MumMRM · 13/10/2024 00:26

I do not for a second believe this is true! You have been in a relationship for 3 years & are unsure if to talk to him about a for sale outside his property & ask strangers! What else are you going to do? Wait until he moves out & then ask him? I also do not believe him would do it & not mention it first, no one is that thick to think there is nothing wrong with selling up but not mentioning to your partner! This is not real!

Zoomattheinn · 13/10/2024 00:32

Perhaps the man of your dreams will move in next door.
seriously though OP you are better off out of it. If he is a habitual liar and gaslights you, you won’t change him and he’ll bring further heartache down the line. You know who he is now and you deserve so much better. I’m so sorry this has happened to you but you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. That’s on him. You have been treated badly. Nobody would feel anything other than sympathy for you. Please don’t let him manipulate your emotions into feeling ashamed.

MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult · 13/10/2024 00:54

ShockedAF · 09/10/2024 17:25

Honestly would people all just ask? It seems obvious he’s been hiding it from me. Will he just expect me to casually ask? Would he see me tonight and just not mention it? I’m so confused!

No people would not all just ask... because they, those in a normal, healthy, relationship... would have been told before they felt even the inclination to ask...

Wtf did I just read.

Mamabearsmile · 13/10/2024 00:56

Ask first...speculate later. If he is doing that without saying just think of it as the rubbish taking its self away. It may hurt, it will hurt, but it won't last for ever. Go very big on self respect....

BriannasBananaBread · 13/10/2024 01:14

I also do not believe him would do it & not mention it first, no one is that thick to think there is nothing wrong with selling up but not mentioning to your partner! This is not real!

Of course he knows it's wrong that's exactly why he hasn't mentioned it! He was using her - for sex, decluttering, company and whatever else he could. She thinks they're together as a couple and that everything is fine, because she's been lead to believe this by him. While secretly he just saw her as convenient and someone he could use for as long as it suited him. You don't believe someone would do this? Lucky you to have never met such shitbags before.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 13/10/2024 08:01

Years ago I was at home with my toddler when my neighbour called over the fence that she was upset that we hadn't mentioned that we were moving. I was very confused as we weren't. It turned out that the 'for sale' sign had been put in our front garden in error - it should have gone to a house in the next road.

Fortunately the contractor came and removed it before my husband got home from work!

Ninjashoney · 13/10/2024 08:53

I just came to say that you dealt with this very maturely and you were totally right not to immediately contact him and demand an explanation. Why give him the satisfaction? And I totally get how you could suddenly doubt your relationship by him completely blindsiding you like this.
please ignore the unhelpful comments, so many people on here are judgemental weirdos that just love being bolshy on the internet because they don’t have the guts to do it/ have no life offline.
I think this has been the wake up call you needed and you will get through it. You are worth so much more and this is not a reflection on you. Stay strong, it will be hard but you know you can’t stay with him now. Get back in touch with friends and make plans but also take time out to cry xx

Ninjashoney · 13/10/2024 08:56

Oh. And defo ignore anyone who thinks he’s done nothing wrong 🫤. Surely communication and honesty are the most important things in a relationship.
You’ve got this 💪

Rosejasmine · 13/10/2024 10:22

Block him, if you see him be unemotional and detached. He’ll be ever so surprised and maybe a bit hurt if you are cool and seemingly unaffected by his huge gesture.
He’s expecting a scene - horror, tears etc. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
Absolutely horrible thing to do - he’s a very nasty person.

Oldandtrying23 · 13/10/2024 10:25

Please don’t meet him and be ok with him because that sends the message that what he did was ok.
stay away from him go on a nice holiday and make him realise this is not how to treat people by silence. He. Does. Not. Deserve. You.
having been on the other side of a gaslighting cheating fuck and it doesn’t end well and takes years to get head straight.

RampantIvy · 13/10/2024 11:37

No people would not all just ask... because they, those in a normal, healthy, relationship... would have been told before they felt even the inclination to ask...

So true.
@ShockedAF I think you have done the right thing by not chasing after him. He seems to be oblivious that you haven't, which comes across that he viewed this relationship more casually than you did.

Keep strong Flowers

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 13/10/2024 13:36

She didn’t act maturely at all she jumped right into block and ignore forever in her first post.

he was wrong for not saying yes but her first thought was the above which is wrong too

he’s dumped now but OP needs to sort out her pushover tendencies in therapy for to go on into the future with healthy boundaries and a sense of self.

T1Dmama · 13/10/2024 13:37

The temptation to get drawn in my narcissist and ask them questions and cry is huge, you validate their ego by doing this though!…
so we’ll done @ShockedAF for not over reacting, I think he was relying on it and is probably very disappointed in your lack of texts/calls/tears!! WELL DONE xx

TheMamaLife · 13/10/2024 16:38

Could it be that you thought you were both in a relationship, but he just saw it as an f**k buddies situation?

Some men are such assholes. I genuinely believe there’s a special place in hell for men who take advantage of women in this way. 😡

So sorry you are going through this. You live, you learn, and you’ll be stronger for it. That’s the only good thing to take away from this.

Piksi55 · 13/10/2024 16:50

I'd call his bluff and say where are we moving to? Then enjoy the squirm.

Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 17:45

Well no one has to have a for sale sign put up so very strange indeed!

Cattenberg · 13/10/2024 23:24

ShockedAF · 11/10/2024 10:58

Slippery fucks 🤣

I mean it’s so odd. To know I would see the sign one day but carry on avoiding the conversation. My neighbour saw him doing some DIY outside in the dark, with a head torch, when I was out Thursday night. I did actually notice it had been done on Saturday morning and as I looked at it and was about to ask when he fixed it, he started up a conversation and I forgot to go back to it. I am now thinking that was deliberate but maybe giving him too much credit there!! Defo slippery AF though.

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These men are so weird, aren’t they? I think that lying, gaslighting and sneaking around becomes their default. What a waste of everyone’s time!

Nightsleeper129 · 14/10/2024 07:30

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 13/10/2024 13:36

She didn’t act maturely at all she jumped right into block and ignore forever in her first post.

he was wrong for not saying yes but her first thought was the above which is wrong too

he’s dumped now but OP needs to sort out her pushover tendencies in therapy for to go on into the future with healthy boundaries and a sense of self.

She didn't do that though. She talked and thought it through on here, then behaved perfectly sensibly.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 14/10/2024 07:54

Nightsleeper129 · 14/10/2024 07:30

She didn't do that though. She talked and thought it through on here, then behaved perfectly sensibly.

Show quote history

No in her first post she wanted to block him it was afterwards he phoned not op as she was ignoring it all.

weird behaviour all round from them both. Not mature at all.

RampantIvy · 14/10/2024 08:04

weird behaviour all round from them both. Not mature at all.

He was playing games with her emotions and gaslighting her, so I don't think she owed him anything at all. She probably thought "two can play at that game"

Nightsleeper129 · 14/10/2024 08:09

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 14/10/2024 07:54

No in her first post she wanted to block him it was afterwards he phoned not op as she was ignoring it all.

weird behaviour all round from them both. Not mature at all.

Show quote history

Her first response was to block him, in the heat of the moment. She didn't, though.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 14/10/2024 12:29

RampantIvy · 14/10/2024 08:04

weird behaviour all round from them both. Not mature at all.

He was playing games with her emotions and gaslighting her, so I don't think she owed him anything at all. She probably thought "two can play at that game"

To me After being in a relationship for 3 years you’d bloody ask it’s common sense

even with the gaslighting and weird behaviour and as I’ve reread the post there was red flags everywhere.

he’s dumped now but op still needs to go to therapy so she can form healthy boundaries in her next relationship and not be a pushover

LimeQuoter · 14/10/2024 13:18

If he's renting, is there any chance his landlord sold the house with the tenant in situ? I know that happens. He might have been tidying because there was a house viewing for the property?

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