Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

I'm clearly the only one that agrees with the OP. I would also be a little disappointed. It wouldn't need to be a grand OTT gesture but there's nothing wrong with expecting a bit of romance for fucks sake.

It should only happen once in your life, and if the proposal is extremely lacklustre what does it say about the future?

I do agree though, it really is the marriage that's important and if he's a good and thoughtful man the rest of the time you should try and count your blessings and move on.

It seems to not be very trendy these days to want romance. I don't care, I'll always want it

I think it's quite a nerve wracking question to ask and sometimes what feels most natural to guys is to ask when the moment feels right to them, which might not always be what we would have chosen.
Not sure what decor you wanted.... but it makes it sound like you wanted an Instagram moment... which is not what a marriage is built on.
Also, if you said you wanted a private moment, I wouldn't have expected him to book a restaurant to celebrate since that's not private?
My friends husband had planned to ask her in their favourite outlook during a dog walk but then the dog jumped into the river before they got there, so they all ended up wet and bedraggled and just went home. He says he didn't replan it and asked her once they got home when they were still all wet because in that moment he felt like even when things don't go right or to plan, he wants to be there with her through it all.
So I think the thought might matter more than the decorations...
I always wanted a private proposal & told my husband that but he asked me at our favourite restaurant, it's not what I would have chosen but I was living abroad and he'd asked a friend to be at another table to take photos because he wanted me to be able to share some of the experience with my family since we couldn't even celebrate with them. His heart was in the right place and he knows my family are important to me, so he tried to think about that for me.

I'm enjoying the Four Yorkshirecouples posts, but the point that most people are making stands, I think - that there's something particularly diva-ish and self-absorbed in being disappointed (particularly long-term) by someone you love asking if you will be with them for life, because the asking doesn't happen performatively enough. The 'decor' and what have you is fluff. The question itself (or the suggestion, for less asymmetric 'proposals', where the couple talks together as equals about what they want) is the core.

When I said to dh 'we may as well get married now', it was no more, really, than a confirmation of what we were both assuming, that we were in it for life and marriage would be happening. We did get married, it's our silver wedding next year, and I remember that very unromantic moment in my tiny grad student room fondly.

Hollywood has so much to answer for.

Is your marriage a happy one? Is he a good person and partner? Focus on that. The marriage is what matters.

It sounds like you were expecting an Imstagrammable proposal. Life isn't like that, and nor should it be in my opinion. He loves you and wanted to be married to you. Still does. Isn't that enough?

Ummm... yeah, what decor? Bunting? Strobe lights? Say what?

DH went down on one knee and put an invisible and non existent ring on my finger. I slid it up and down a bit and said it's too big and too flashy for me so we had better go and get another.

We bought a nice ring but I regret that. We were strapped for cash and I've only worn it twice as I'm not a jewellery sort of person.

He had also bought a nice bottle of red but sadly put it in the fridge as he didn't know better. Married 24 years and it's been a blast.

I've never even come close to being proposed to so perhaps it's easy for me to say this. But I honestly don't think I would care how it was done? A cheesy, performative proposal that's filmed for instagram would make me a tad queasy, otherwise it really wouldn't matter.

No decor?!!!

dh proposed while we were crossing the road. makes no odds.....

My husband got drunk and proposed to me at 2am in bed after a night at the pub. I was also drunk, and enthusiastically accepted, and the next morning realised that I actually did want to marry him. I said, however, that if he wanted to change his mind that was absolutely fine and we could forget it had ever been said (we'd only met 12 weeks prior). Anyway, he was adamant he did.

I do slightly regret not letting the question slide for the time being so he had chance to plan a "proper" proposal later on, but we've been happy together for 7 years so, who cares?

I suppose it depends, is this a pattern of feeling like your fiance doesn't make the effort to be romantic?

I also think there's an ethical issue with big proposals, or there can be - the greater the fuss/staging, especially when it happens publicly, the greater the pressure on the proposee (who is usually a woman) to accept. Fine if the proposer is sure it's a formality, but i not, there is always the potential for these staged proposals to be used as a form of coercion.

OP, the problem here isn't the proposal itself, it is your expectations about the proposal. You wanted a dramatic grand gesture, whereas he just spoke from the heart. There is far too much emphasis in some circles on the big romantic proposal in my view. It isn't all about hearts and flowers and glamorous pictures for Instagram, it's about entering into a serious and legally binding lifetime commitment. As others have said, it's the marriage that's important and not the proposal or the wedding.

Anyway, what's done is done now, but I suggest that you are very clear about your expectations going forward, otherwise you're going to be back here in a few years complaining that DH hasn't made enough of an effort for a series of birthdays, mother's days etc. If you need grand, demonstrative gestures in order to feel valued, you need to spell it out to him very clearly, as he may not realise otherwise how insecure you are about this kind of thing.

I’ve had 2 proposals - one at sunset on a beach in Hawaii and one when cleaning the floor just before my baby shower as my divorce papers had just come through!! The first marriage was a disaster, the latter relationship is still going strong. I wouldn’t worry about it!

Wow the standard for men on here is shockingly low.

Was this even a thing before Instagram? Like, maybe they'd ask you in your favourite restaurant or something but that was it. If my partner got me a balloon arch I'd murder him.

My proposal was so mundane that my DH has no recollection of asking me. We've been very happily married for nearly 25 years.

My favourite proposal from a film/TV show is when Rob proposes to Sharon in Catastrophe.

They're standing next to a drunk woman pissing on Millennium bridge in London (I think?) and he drops the ring in the puddle of piss, then tries to clean it with a leaf. She says "don't be silly, it's only piss" and puts the ring on and smiles.

Poor bloke, are you high maintenance about everything?

To be fair this sounds perfect to me 😅❤️

@AnnaMagnani this has really made me laugh and I kinda respect it.

It always is on MN.

I’d tell him how much he’s disappointed you. Tell him the wedding or the past year of marriage still hasn’t made up for it and you can’t stop obsessing about how badly he flopped it. See how that goes down?

I’d imagine you move past it by focusing on the marriage.

I do find it disheartening that in this day and age, the old sexist man proposes (especially with a big whoop de do) is still the expectation of so many women. Don't people just have discussions leading up to the decision to marry that are based on desires and expectations resulting in a mutual decision to marry?

It's about being treated well and a happy marriage I think. My proposal was a fairytale but the but marriage was awful and ended

I measure a man by the sort of partner and husband he is. Not by some superficial whistles and bells proposal that he plans...