Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

DH and I are both tax accountants, we opened up a spreadsheet and actually worked out the various scenarios for owning and transferring assets before concluding that marriage was the best way to achieve our aims. Oh the romance!

I really want to know what decor was to be expected?

What special proposal did you do?

What exactly is there to forgive? And why would you marry him if you can’t forgive the proposal?

If I had the choice between a proposal written in the sky by a light plane or one over a bag of chips I’d choose the latter.

Experience has taught me that big gestures are not necessarily a reflection of a person’s love and commitment.

I think the disconnect is that for many men, the “I want to marry you” is the focal point, and they don’t think of it as a “standard” to fluff it up fancier with decor and spangles.

DH proposed on top of a mountain in the Peak District in the driving rain, during a weather warning, whilst I was hungover, wearing an unflattering cagoule and a (sodden) furry hat with ears, covered in mud, in front of 15 of our equally sodden and hungover friends. I thought he’d fallen over when he was there at my feet and asked him what the fuck he was doing and to get up. So I’m never going to have the photo of a ring on my well-moisturised hand with freshly painted nails with a sunset in the distance to post on socials - but I do have the knowledge that he wanted to ask right there and then when it felt exactly right because he knew he loved me so much.

Which sounds not so different to how your DH did it: when it felt perfectly right to him, without any distractions.

As you've been married a year already ... job done !!!

Everything else, the proposal, the wedding, the honeymoon etc is totally unimportant.

My partner asked me during sex... we've been together 20 years.

A year has passed and you're still thinking about it? Get a hobby. This smacks of self indulgence.

Urgh, I hate this competitive "knowing your place" on Mumsnet. You want a fancy proposal? You are obviously a shallow idiot who doesn't care about true love and whose marriage is doomed. Subtext: you have ideas above your station and think you're better than the rest of us.

Surely it entirely depends on your personality and you would hope that a future spouse would be able to gauge the level appropriately and put some thought into it.

One "extra" couple I know got engaged after he staged an elaborate treasure hunt around London.

My husband and I decided to get married on a walk round a park in a city that is special to us.

Both of those options were ideal for the kinds of people we are.

If your husband didn't pitch it quite right for you, there is no shame in being secretly a bit disappointed. Clearly you shouldn't make him aware of it and for your own wellbeing it would be preferable to let it go, but there is nothing wrong with wishing it had gone slightly differently.

The only thing I'd add is that in the long run I suspect it will stop mattering. After having children, facing adult hardships etc, I look back on those sorts of things and they do seem trivial. But don't let other people make you feel bad for having feelings. Channel your energy into making your wedding anniversaries special instead of looking back at the proposal.

My uncle shouted the question through a door to his wife in order to "get her out of the bath". My husband managed to accidentally ask me during sex (in a of course this is happening way because we'd already talked about the direction.of our lives). It's one of those situations where fuss isn't needed. If you don't know the answer it's not really the time to be asking.

Oh dear. You have picked the wrong site to get any sympathy re this op. Wanting a fuss made of you in any way is derided here.
I will say that I get you though. I'm a fan of the big public gesture. So shoot me. And my husbands proposal was very much not that. And yes I was a tad disappointed now I look back on it. But as others have said, it's very much the marriage that counts.

If it makes you feel better I know someone who got engaged back when the ice bucket challenge was a thing. She was sat in the back garden drenched in freezing cold icy water then her nose dh decided to whip out a ring and pop the question (yes really) 😳

I wonder if you’re not disappointed with the proposal but with your husband…

Ditto.
Well... 25.
Maybe we wont make 30 tho.... there was no decor...

Having never been proposed to you're coming across as very shallow and entitled OP.

What decade have you just come from? Lol. You know nowadays women can even propose to men.

Obviously you had an amazing proposal, was it the bells and whistles you hoped for?

I didn't exactly get proposed to. I was working on the basis that it wouldn't happen because of stuff around his childhood, but I didn't doubt his commitment and, being a high earner in my own right, didn't need the financial protections that come with being married. But one day he came home, mentioned a wedding he'd seen and said, "It made me realise that I do want to marry you but I feel a bit silly because I've been so clear that I never would". And then we just started talking about how and where.

Edited because I don't want to judge other people wanting something different. But for me what he said was lovely and personal and I can't think of any "proper" proposal that would have been as meaningful.

I’ve been pootling through this thread enjoying the horses-for-courses but this pulled me up short. Bloody hell!

Actually that’s very sweet - he couldn’t wait even 5 extra minutes to ask you.

Each to their own but it feels a little entitled. I know my partner and his outlook is the same as mine. Private shows of affection. I’d die if he made a big show and he’d die of embarrassment doing it. We’d both be dead before the wedding. The purpose of a wedding is not the show it’s the love for each other. I think it’s all got a little OTT for putting a show on social media.

"Respectfully, if he can't even be bothered to make the proposal just a little bit special for the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, then that tells me everything about the type of man he is yes, you are correct there."

What utter bollocks.

He knows me so well!!!!

My niece was going to a wedding last year where the proposal was filmed and then the bride to be didn't like something about it so they re-filmed it. WTAF???!

I had just told my DH I was pregnant so he said 'I suppose I'd better marry you then '. Just celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. How he proposed is just a funny story..

I got exactly the same unenthusiastic proposal and told him to sling his hook, I'd already made one mistake, wasn't about to ruin my life by making another. I've been happily unmarried ever since, and the little surprise is 35 years old now.

That's what I was thinking. It's quite sweet.

@GoldenGirl85
I think you're being ridiculously OTT here.
I hope you're got going to be a Bridezilla.
My husband proposed to me while crying, the day he was diagnosed with cancer. In fact he just said "we must get married".

Better luck next time.