How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

I also remember your last thread.

So pleased to ready your update.

Glad a spanner's been thrown in the works!

Oh that is such good news. And brava to the two women organisers for seeing the reality and for some sisterly solidarity.

Brilliant news. I was just thinking that the plumbing industry locally was too small for the both of you but it seems that there's plenty of room for you still. Clearly people don't love up and coming women's voices when they're nicking other people's husbands

Wonderful news OP! Good luck for PlumbFest. Thank goodness the organisers had their heads screwed on right.
Good riddance to Leaky-Bog.

The plumbing puns are outstanding. I almost wish I actually was a plumber.

This is an incredibly satisfying outcome and handled with total dignity & class @VelociraptorsVelociRapping

Now the cats out the bag there’s hope that her authenticity and credibility as a voice for women plumber’s will be somewhat undermined - sort of puts a blockage in the ubend of claiming publicly to support women when you’re not above nicking their ballcock husbands.

Great result op.

The perfect result, as you deserve.

What a heartening update. Decency is not dead and sycophancy has not won. So glad for a positive turn around... Most have been very stressful getting through that. And so glad after everything.

Nice One OP

Well, I reckon you should feel flushed with success. I had not posted before but it is good to know that an old boiler does not necessarily need to be replaced, but actually has much more mileage if carefully maintained. I am pleased that although you may have thought it was a spanner in the works, it transpired that your superior skills and experience triumphed.

Seriously, I just wanted to say, how going high, was the right thing to do. I am sorry about your marriage but am pleased the wheel is turning right for you. Now, knock 'em dead at the conference!

Beautifully, beautifully handled OP!! Good to see Leaky-Bog has the humility to sit this one out. Obv it should be both of them missing opportunities not just her but it shows that whatever has happened there's at least some acknowledgement of the situation and hopefully some effort to manage being in a small industry together. Knock em dead!

This is marvellous news OP and i'm glad my cynical doom mongering did not come true.

Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

I wanted to de-lurk to say well done for dealing with all of this in such an amazing way. Your reputation as a decent person and excellent plumber remain untarnished, while old leaky bog has been revealed for what she is. A leaky old bog.

You’re amazing - plumb on!

Normally I’m for being diplomatic in approach but not for this. OW’s presence could impact OP’s goals and success through not fault of her own.
i think the words she’s thinking of are perfect.

You’ll get nothing but sympathy if you just tell the truth OP. This situation is not of your doing and people will understand you can’t work with this woman under these circumstances.

Give the real reason. 1. Because if you give any other reason you will without realising it appear less confident in the other reason you give and people subconsciously pick up on that and will assume you’re hiding something/being shifty/untrustworthy/etc. 2. Why should you lie? 3. If someone asks or relays your reason for declining to the OW their response will be a dead give away regardless of the words they use and confirm she is untrustworthy and you are classy and to be trusted.

Read the updates folks... This is all over.

Just say I can't work with Beatrice because she was part of my marriage break up.

As a professional woman op, in senior management, I’d be appalled you decided it was good to share your dirty laundry with me. I neither need or want to know, never bring your personal life to work. Ignore anyone saying you should.

id be wondering if she is accepting. As she may say no. If she doesn’t, she’s a smart cookie. Tough but smart.

if you really can’t, I’d say simply in this instance I need to decline for personal reasons, but please approach me again,

Thank you for your input, @Autumnalfun, but if you care to read my updates you will see that the senior professional women who organise the conference didn’t share your view.

For what it’s worth, I don’t consider the matter to be ‘dirty laundry’. I’ve done nothing wrong and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

@VelociraptorsVelociRapping I’m really happy for you that things went this way.
It seems that Susan Leaky-Bog isn’t such a tough cookie after all :):)

As a professional woman in a senior role in a (male dominated) professional industry, I would have so much more respect for someone telling me the truth rather than a wishy washy excuse that will put me off wanting to work with them again.

This isn’t OP airing her dirty laundry in public. It’s OP staying professional in a very difficult situation. You can be professional and also have empathy, which appears to be a concept you don’t understand.

One day these word may just come back to haunt you (with bells on)

The truth will set you free!