MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

Wow, regardless of if your DD had a reaction this time or not, MIL didn't know that, she was told she couldn't have milk due to the reactions previously and that you were going through the challenge process. That's rotten. Unbelievable that people do this to children just to try and get one over on an adult.

I'm glad your DD seems OK after it, poor little soul could have been really ill.

record it. Tell your partner. Depending on his reaction play the recording.

Or: when he comes back in the room "oh, DP, your mum and i were just talking and she was saying x, y, z"

How is your DD? Can your DP see that there is an issue with the milk? or is he in denial too?

I don’t think she’d care if he heard or not. She isn’t scared of him, she has him wrapped around her finger. I am the one over reacting. It’s always me, they always say I’m over reacting, I’m too sensitive. My partner agrees with them.

She has mentioned before that this whole milk thing is silly

She's completely ignorant /possibly thick.
Milk allergies can be serious, not silly.
They can also worsen over time, you may be fine with a bit of milk, then the next time "just" get the shits and feeling sick,then tbe next time can feel out of breath.
This happened to me over the years.
Why would you risk it or dismiss it as silly?
I just couldn't trust her to take it seriously, don't leave your child alone with her.

The issue here isn’t your mother in law it’s your spineless husband.

Sorry but your partner sounds like an arsehole then
Please don't listen to them, you are not being over sensitive at all.
Don't let them doubt yourself.

she doesn't need to be scared of him. She needs to do what is right for your DD.

So in your shoes now you just make it clear that DD is not to be alone with MIL, and that your DH can facilitate all contact between his mother and your DD and that if he leaves her alone with MIL he is responsible for anything that happens.

And you enjoy not having her in your life.

I’m starting to think this. He is so conflict avoidant about everything

Even when it comes to the well being and safety of his own child?

Yes

I’ve been there, it’s very difficult. If she ever says anything like that again, immediately call your partner into the room and ask her to repeat what she just said to him. Your partner really should speak to her about what she did regarding the milk. She will probably minimise it and brush it off but she has to understand the situation.

She’s a troublemaker and I feel for you. You and your partner absolutely must present to her a strong united front because if she’s any division between you on this matter (or any other) she will exploit it.

You don't need him to be scared of her, you just need him to have no deniability of what she has said or done or comeback when you say she's not staying with them again

@Ghostcushion how was your dd after the visit?

From what you say, I’d expect her to be unwell - tummy pains, diarrhoea type of stuff.
Could you just point it out to your dh and say ‘oh wow, that’s unusual. She must have had milk somehow’
How do you think your dh would react to that? Aka having to confront the fa t his dd is unwell and it’s the consequence of something that happened when with her grand parents

She sounds nasty and manipulative. Your bigger issue is that your husband doesn't see it. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't know how you can stay in a marriage where he listens to his mum over you, won't stand up for you to his mum, and would have his child out at risk to keep the peace with his mum. This isn't going to get easier unless your MIL changes (highly unlikely) or your DH changes (possible but likely to be an uphill battle from what you've said).

Are you going to leave your child alone with MIL again?
As previous poster on here saying he could take her to MILs and you enjoy the peace, no chance, I couldn't trust him either to do the right thing around her.
I'd be going as well.

Any grandmother who gives her grandchild milk when she is under a dietitian, to get one over on her DIL is not right in the head.
My grandkids aren’t my ‘natural’ relatives - they belong to my DP as I don’t have kids.
I follow directions exactly as given and I’ve never brought up my own. I’m not anxious around them in that I am scared to give them anything, but I do actually listen to their mum as one is lactose intolerant.
The thought of making one of them ill on purpose is vile.
If they went to a nursery and an employee said that to you, they would be sacked.
You have a DP problem as well. He needs to be a father and put his child’s health first.
I get that generations differ but I am mid 50s and keep up with what’s going.

Your MIL is being stupid and malicious and putting your daughter at risk to score points and to challenge your parenting. Do not let her look after your daughter again. She is dangerous.

This is not an allergy then, it's an intolerance. The symptoms you state are exactly the same as I have if I eat anything with garlic, onion, leeks etc. It's not going to cause me to have an anaphylactic attack or life threatening but it's deeply unpleasant. I can tolerate a minimum amount of garlic/onion but not much and if it builds up in my body, I will have violent stomach pains, sick and upset stomach. Your MIL is a vile human-being. Giving your child milk against your wishes, purely to prove a point is very wrong. Your husband should be supporting his daughter, and in turn you - not his Mother.

Mil was a bit like this. When we had dairy free child. Dh ripped her a new one when he discovered she had been giving dc dairy as it took us a week to clear his system again. He wasn't allergic just ended up miserable with sore tummy and completely congested and nose running - no one got much sleep
You have a dh problem around dc allergy

Quite simply, I would tell her that she is no longer able to have your child unsupervised since she put her health at risk, despite explicit instructions on how to properly care for her. Whether this puts you in childcare difficulties is irrelevant, your child’s health and safety comes first and she clearly isn’t concerned with such trivial matters

What a dreadful situation. You can't let your MIL have unsupervised access to your baby if she gives her food that makes her ill, or even food that MIGHT make her ill. Does DH agree that the milk intolerance is 'nonsense'?

No it’s classed as an allergy still, they don’t use the term intolerance anymore. It’s classed as non ige allergy as it caused stomach issues. She also has eczema.

Agreed. Still an allergy just non -IgE.

No and it’s an allergy not intolerance. Non ige allergy. He went through it all with me. The screaming the nappies full of mucus all the hospital appointments.

When it comes to his mum or his family or any conflict he is useless. He will bury his head in the sand. He’d rather throw me under the bus it seems and agree I’m too sensitive or over reacting then do anything about it.