MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

I think he feels in the middle really.

Surely the question is - does he support his daughter or his mother?

Or perhaps he doesnt believe or take seriously the allergy/testing?

Whats his view of it?

This is actually abusive, she knew your DD was allergic to milk and have it to her anyway knowing it would cause her pain?!
I wouldn't let her babysit or see your DD unsupervised again.
Hope your DD has been ok since having the milk, and if she is not make sure you let your MIL know, I would be tempted to have her over to see her DGD screaming in pain 😡

So you go and get him and ask your MIL to repeat herself in his presence?

My husband could start the road of divorce if he accepted MIL to mess with a child's diet prescribed by doctors.

In front of DH, I would very matter-of-factly ask "sorry MIL, I know you said earlier but I can't remember it exactly: did the pie definitely contain milk or was it just you forgot to check?". She may well deny everything, but even a negligent 'forgot to check' from her own lips should hopefully allow DH to see you aren't just being difficult. I would say to do it every time she pulls this shit, but she wouldn't be looking after DC again, so that wouldn't be necessary.

You have a dh and mil problem, she knows he won’t challenge her on anything so you’re in a triangulation situation where it’s them against you.

Exactly this, however as you say the moment has passed now

No more opportunities to feed her unsuitable food.

Why did MIL have your daughter all weekend?

So is dd still with them? If so GO AND GET HER. This is no different than if they were feeding her laxatives for fun. They’re hurting her.

If he's going to be at the next doctor's appointment, I would be relaying this story to them and seeing if he would defend his mother playing silly beggars to the doctors treating his child. I'm betting it will be OP doing the appointment though.

He might feel in the middle but his actions aren’t saying that. He’s dismissive of what you say and prepared to ignore what you’re telling him which isn’t support to you one bit.

Surely your child was then very ill so the MIL understood the severity of the problem?

This happened me for years with MIL.

Sat husband down and told him I was leaving if he didn’t support me and told him the list of things that had happened.

Told MIL to her face that I wouldn’t accept this behaviour any longer and in future to communicate via my husband.

My husband makes sure I’m never left alone with her to prevent the snide remarks.

It was a lot of work but it saved our marriage. We spend time with his family but it’s less shit.

Maybe you should remind her of what happened to Hannah Jacobs when she was given milk.
Allergic reactions can worsen over time...who knows if the next time your mother gives your child milk there won't be an anaphylactic reaction. My teenage son has anaphylaxis & carries epipens. The thought of someone giving him trigger foods on purpose (even now at age 16 when he can check for himself) makes me feel sick.

She keeps making comments to me when he isn’t in the room.

She's doing that deliberately

Try to never be alone with her

Well there are 2 possibilities here, the allergy may not be active or prominent or problem causing now, meaning no harm done

Or (my guess) that no milk products were given or anything with milk in it and the mother in law is just being horrible

I would set my phone to record whenever you get the chance... And your dh made vows to you.. He isn't stuck in the middle... Take pics of dd's nappies if she is ill. Send pics to mil.

She has tummy issues rather than any anaphylactic reactions. She screamed 17 hours a day as a baby before being put on special formula from the hospital. Even then she dismissed us for needing support as we were struggling big time. I get the impression that she thinks I’m making it up for attention or just being anxious. Which is rubbish, it was awful to see her in so much pain. She got a few steps in the milk ladder a few months back before the night screaming and diarrhoea returned, so it’s more a build up reaction now. The issue is it has nothing to do with her, she should not feed her what she is told not to. It’s not a joke.

Why are you letting this woman who is openly hostile to you develop a relationship with your child? Why are you giving her unsupervised contact? As the mother, You hold all the power here and it's time you started acting like it. She needs pegged back massively and I wouldn't be making any apologies about it. 'I'm not comfortable leaving my child with someone who disrespects me.' Done. Stop playing her games and letting her walk all over you. Stand up for yourself!

Why do you leave her with MIL? If it's for childcare then pay professionals. If it's for MIL's enjoyment then stop it.

I'd your daughter doesn't react this time you're going to look like you've made the milk allergy thing up and prove your mother in law is right.

You need to wait to hear what they've said about the child being unwell or not.

It was a one off kind of unavoidable. It won’t happen again. I didn’t really think she would be so desperate to be right she would do that.

I couldn’t care less whether she thinks she’s right or not. There is a process to go through. If it makes her happy she can sit at home feeling justified, nothing I do can change he behaviour.

'I couldn’t care less whether she thinks she’s right or not. There is a process to go through. If it makes her happy she can sit at home feeling justified, nothing I do can change he behaviour.'

You're not understanding what I meant.

I said if you say anything and the child happens to be ok then it's more fuel for this woman to think she's in the right and you're making it up about a milk allergy!

You said the child is still in there care so has she been unwell and what has the woman said?