MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

So your mil caused this? No she shouldn't be alone with her if she hospitalisers your child

Since it's an allergy then your DH needs to take it seriously and stand up to his mother. Seems like a problem with him as well as your MIL unfortunately.

No she hasn’t hospitalised my daughter. She just flippantly disregards what she is instructed to do. She thinks it’s all nonsense. It’s our daughter and she needs to follow the instructions she has been given.

Miserable woman. She has clearly decided you 'are not good enough' and will spend the rest of her life trying to 'prove it'.

But - you didn't marry her. Your issue - as others have said - is your DH.

Spin this as an opportunity to have this out once and for all.

Tell your DH everything she has done/said/implied - starting with the milk thing - and tell him that it's time for him to step up and defend you and shut her down. She is doing it because no one is challenging her so she gets a spiteful kick out of it. If golden-boy actually pulls her up, she may well stop.

Your DH needs to understand that minimising and excusing her behaviour and failing to support you, is not being a 'good son' it's being a 'shit husband'. He has to stop running away from conflict and pull her up. If she tries to downplay the bevaviour/words, it's on HIM to say "actually @Ghostcushion isn't a drama queen, so if she tells me you have said X, Y and Z, I believe her. And your only agenda for constantly undermining her is to make her feel bad. She is an excellent wife and mother and I love her very much. So if you make her feel bad, I feel bad. And if being around you makes us feel bad - then... well... why would we, and the baby, want to be around you?"

Seriously - he HAS to speak up.

It's not about you though, it's about your child - if he doesn't give a toss whether she's safe or not because he's too limp to speak up and protect her, you need to do it.
Your baby can't do it on her own yet, you need to protect her.

No she hasn’t hospitalised my daughter

Yet.
What happens if the next reaction is more severe?

Oh I’ve dreamed of this but it won’t happen. I end up looking like a mad women every time I open my mouth.

Why do you actually give a shit what they think?!
Let them think you're a "mad woman."
You're not. You're a mum wanting to keep her child safe.

I know. Honestly I’m at my wits end with this situation. I think her own son was allergic also but she refused to do anything even back then. Everyone tells me he did nothing but cry for the first 2 years of his life. If he eats cheese now he feels sick.

I would be fuming at your partner over this and question him, ask him outright do you think it is right to give her milk? And if not why would he not tell his Mother that this is dangerous?

You cannot trust her, I wouldn't contact her, I wouldn't heads her up or explain anything because she doesn't deserve that. I would simply just stop any effort that you do now. You are clearly the only parent who cares enough to stop contact and I absolutely would over this. She risked your daughter's health.

Apart from the whole puts you down, questions everything I do not know why you would want this person around your children. I say this as someone who had a very toxic grandparent and my parents pandered to her. It is horrible to see someone hate your Mother and try to take her down at every opportunity. Stop seeing her now.

he isn't throwing you under a bus so much as he is throwing his daughter under the bus, jumping in and reversing it over her to make sure.

And you need to point out that you can take as much shit as MIL throws at you, but he is behaving disgracefully towards his own daugther.

OP, that's truly horrible. WTF is the matter with her?

@Brefugee she has done an absolute number on him. It’s only really became apparent to me lately. He is totally blind to this. I think she has been in his ear privately about me, little things that make him think I’m an issue. I think in a fight he would pick her side and that worries me an awful lot. I’m literally the crazy one in this family.

@WaitForTheDungar i have very little contact anymore physically. I don’t enjoy her company or ask her opinions or thoughts on anything.

Goodness! You cannot compare a Cows Milk Protein Allergy to an onion intolerance!! Jeez!
CMPA is very serious and do significant damage to an infants stomach if dot dealt with in the correct way, there is a milk ladder you follow that introduces (very slowly) milk protein back into their diet starting with the most broken down version and making your way up!

I feel your pain OP, my 25 month old has a CMPA and its tough! Any slip up sets you back on the ladder also while you wait for the stomach to settle itself again. We accidentally gave her soup with cream in (mix up in a 5 star hotel who were so apologetic they gave us a free nights stay! And obviously knew this was a very very bad slip up!!). The symptoms start slowly with stomach cramps and wind and then we get acidic poo which burns off there skin on her bum. She is in soomuch pain, burning insides and bum! If this was my MIL I would go NC and I would have it out with your husband. If he backs your MIL I would actually leave him, I have seen how ill my daughter gets with this its actually purposeful neglect!!!

Just want to add in more support that it is an allergy and the word intolerance isn't used anymore.

People think that unless they're anaphylactic then it's just having a bit of an uncomfortable stomach and no big deal.

My DS would get extremely unwell drinking cows milk formula and would scream for hours and hours.

He is now almost 2 and we have still not passed step 1 of the milk ladder as he reacted even to being given a quarter of a malted milk.

Last week he got his hands on a few crumbs of milk chocolate from another child present and was unwell for over 4 days.

He was crying telling me how much his bum hurts, he was screaming saying "no poo" when he needed to go.

He was waking up screaming every couple of hours with bad wind. He stopped eating properly. Stopped playing like he normally does. Didn't want to go to the park or feed the ducks. He was scratching all over his body. His eyes were gunky and puffy.

It makes me so angry when people think it's just a case of milk not agreeing with him. They think it's the equivalent of when they go out for a curry and spend a bit longer on the toilet the next morning before going about their day.

OP I could not let someone around my child who was willing to put him through pain without caring.

For anyone reading, I would also add that with non-ige reactions, a single exposure may not cause an issue immediately as build up reactions can take a while to show. If an accidental exposure has led you to believe that a child may have grown out of the allergy, it's still really important to go through the milk ladder.

If it takes days to show up and you've been giving them full glasses of fresh cows milk for that time then you are putting them through a really awful experience.

So what are you going to do about them putting your daughter in danger in future?
(Again, it's NOT you being the crazy one in this situation)

Yes she would vomit and poop blood. She was in so much pain. I think that’s why it hurts me so much, the pure flippancy of it. My little girl was in so so much pain when we didn’t know as a baby.

My son had a similar allergy and my mum never seemed to believe it although it made him very ill and as a little baby he would be pooing all day (15+ dirty nappies a day) and as his gut healed once the allergy was identified he even had blood in his dirty nappies. Also had eczema. Then once I had it under control and had tested the allergy out she would say “I wonder if he ever really was allergic”. Of course we were under the paediatrician at the hospital for it and had support from the NHS dietician. Sigh.

It may be that the pie that had been cooked for a long time doesn’t cause a reaction for your child as it would I think be quite far down the dairy ladder. Now MIL has experimented (without your consent and against your wishes) I would ask for quite exact information about what your child ate in her care such as the type of pie she bought or the recipe as well as anything else she ate. This might give you an idea of where she is on the dairy ladder and might be part of the conversation you have with medical professionals about starting dairy ladder etc.

But I absolutely wouldn’t allow her to look after your child again.

This is precisely why my DS was never left unsupervised with his grandparents. There does seem to be a section of the population who "don't believe" in allergies and want to try to catch you out and they don't understand that anaphylaxis is not the only manifestation of a genuine allergy so if they don't see something happen immediately they think it's something you've made up. And there are people who get confused (DS gets offered lactose free products quite often) or forget.I suspect my ILs fall into both camps to some degree, but either way, the effect is the same.
DS has a mixture of IgE mediated and non IgE mediated allergies and yes, the consequences of accidental exposure to some of his allergens are not as severe as others but they are all very unpleasant even if not all life threatening. Until he was old enough to robustly advocate for himself he didn't eat anywhere that we couldn't completely trust unless DH or I were there to supervise. Unfortunately my MIL repeatedly got things wrong but fortunately DH and I are completely on the same page and he's been known to rummage through the bin in his Mum's kitchen to find packaging if we've been suspicious. She gets offended of course, but she has form for not complying with DS's diet and DH has always been far more concerned about his son's safety and well being than his mother's feelings.
OP, your DH needs to step up and deal with this, or else you need to stop visiting or take your own food. Those are the only viable alternatives.

Firstly show her the medical records, ask her if she is more informed and knowledgeable that the doctors advising you. Demand your DH comes to the appointments and hears how dangerous this is from the allergist.

Refuse to allow her to look after your child.

Had similar when DD was little and allergic to dairy and eggs. Some people are idiots about allergies.

We have to start the milk ladder soon again. She hasn’t had anything in quite a few months as she managed to eat a square of my oldest chocolate and cried all night and pooped pure slime (sorry too much info). I was crying over an accident. I’ve no idea what she gave her. She basically handed her over to me and said oh we had dinner and we just gave her what we had, we didn’t even bother to check the ingredients but the pie probably did. I was a bit shocked and only really sank in today how ignorant that was.

I feel for you - we had the 14hrs a day screaming, and a dozen, acidic green poop filled nappies and bleeding bottoms/rectums from the contact. Both of mine, now 16 and 19, are still better off on lactose free products and have to manage how much dairy they expose their systems too, but I am appalled at your MiL - would she have done the same with peanuts or any other allergy. You are under the care of a clinical team, not imposing a restrictive diet because you read something in Grazia. You DC may still have a delayed reaction yet (mine often did a day or so after a tiny/inadvertent exposure), so DC may still be suffering low level and unnecessary discomfort.

Your DH needs to step up - his DC’s wellbeing was put at risk. I’d never let her have unsupervised access to my DC again. Fortunately my MiL is adorable, anxious and besotted with her grandkids so wouldn’t dream of putting them at risk. Am sorry you are not equally blessed.

@MrsAvocet she was sent with all her weekends food needs. She just chose it ignore.

The analogy I used with allergy deniers was 'would you be happy if someone gave you food poisoning on purpose, because what your doing with DD is similar, but much more dangerous'