MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

Your DH knows how serious this is and you still won't say anything? That's putting your child in more danger. This needs addressing straight away. Call mil on speaker phone with your DH and ask her to clarify what she gave to your DD as you have to report it to the medics.

Quite honestly I think this is abusive. I wouldn’t ever leave my child in her care again.
Your husband needs to call out her disgusting behaviour.

Gosh I am so angry. She knowingly put your child at risk and has caused them to be unwell/in pain as a result. This is utterly horrifying.

If she’s saying these hints outwirth your dh’s earshot then, stop her shout your dh over and let her explain again in front of him.

there would be no more alone time with her, she doesn’t respect you and your choices.

Dh sounds like a total dick too.

Luckily she seems absolutely fine. But it’s not the point. I can’t really believe it either. She believes she is right so badly she isn’t concerned with what might happen if she isn’t. Even if it caused the smallest amount of upset that wasn’t really noticeable I still wouldn’t have been able to risk it. I feel awful just starting the milk ladder again because I don’t want her to be in pain.

@2chocolateoranges I try my best to be away from her really. I don’t like her company sadly as she isn’t nice..to me. She is perfectly nice to other people. I didn’t really want her ti stay and my heart dropped but there wasn’t much choice and my partner had already sorted it.

Don’t let MIL know she’s fine. She could’ve ended up hospitalised - it was up to her parents to asses whether that was worth the risk.
It’s so stressful isn’t it. I am an allergy mum myself and seeing your child in pain is just awful.
😢

That is a very serious safeguarding issue, your monster in law has point blank refused to take any notice to your wishes which were to keep your DD safe and healthy. I really hope you can find a safer, kinder more considerate child care in future because your MIL is a liability.

Your man is yet another man who has been totally emasculated by his so called mother resulting in him being a wet lettuce as an adult. He knows all too well what she is like but he would much rather upset you than she. And that is also why his family think of her as some god like figure; its a cult with her at the centre of her universe.

He is also completely mired in fear, obligation and guilt (three buttons installed by her) when it comes to her (BTW is she and his dad still together) and his inertia too when it comes to her hurts him as well as you and his child.

You need to shore up your previously too low boundaries urgently; his mother is not a safe person to be around and has put your child at risk. No more visits there from any of you. Have nothing more to do with her going forward. You also would not tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different.

You're not sure what to say to her? What did you say to her as soon as she said that to you?
I can't understand people who don't address the gripe there and then and then don't think they should tell their partners either. It's called communication.

Stop the childcare, stop the unsupervised visits. This woman is dangerous This.
my partner had already sorted it
Put a stop to this, too. Even if it means leaving him. Your child's safety comes first.

I would think to myself - if MIL believes she can do no wrong - IF your child was in her care again and god forbid had an anaphylactic reaction. Would your MIL believe that she was seriously unwell and seek appropriate medical care - or would she say that she’s right and the child is fine? Then consider if you are willing to take that risk. (Or more your husband!) Because if I couldn’t trust someone to do right by my child there is no way I would ever consider letting them near again.

Is this not triangulation?
Or playing you off against your family?

She sounds dangerous and would have had years of practice. Who else does she do this to?

You could play into her games; "have you considered dementia? Perhaps we need to get you assessed if your memory is getting this bad." Or you could grey rock her and ensure your daughter is never left alone with her.

She isn't going to get better and your child needs to be protected about her games.

He cannot and equally does not want to deal with his mother; a woman who has likely conditioned him to think that the sky will fall in if he dares upsets her. He is so very afraid of her and he knows all too well what she is like. He just wants you all to get along really so that he does not have to do anything. None of this at all justifies his behaviour but there are reasons why he is behaving like he is.

His inertia also when it comes to her has also not helped you or his child any. He needs therapy re his mother.

I had a MIL that was initially like this, but it eased with time.
In the end we got on OK.

When she became ill and died I cried.

A Gay friend said ''Mothers in law and daughters in law are fighting over the same man''

He was married to a woman before ''coming out'', and his wife and MIL used to squabble- but ironically once they'd divorced, the MIL/DIL kept in touch.

For some reason, she maybe feels you ''took her son away'' {Rightly or wrongly}?

@Ghostcushion think I would be downloading a voice recorder on my phone and setting it to record as you go into her house!! that way you can let your dp hear what she says out of his earshot!

My mum was like this with my dn. she’d also give him milk / dairy and then deny it or blame me / my sister. It only ended when my db took her to the allergy consultant appointment with dn and then told them that mum kept giving dn dairy - the consultant, apparently, told her off badly and she’s never done this again. I think you should do something like that.

You need to start standing up to her now or this will only get worse

She sounds the perfect case to go non contact - but guessing your partner will get still see her and take your child, so better you are there to protect her

Make sure your partner knows you are never to be on your own with her. If he is always at your side, she won't be able to make her stupid comments

Do not leave your child with her again

Don’t leave her there obviously

If she knows that she is allergic to milk and deliberately did it anyway as she thought she knew best, or couldn't be arsed to check, there's no way I'd ever let her have my child again.
No. Chance.
Keep her safe. Allergies can be extremely serious, they're not for dicking about with.

This
I'm an allergy sufferer too, please don't put your child at risk, it's not worth it. She's dangerous.

Your MIL put your child at risk. I'm sorry to be blunt but It doesn't matter if your husband feels stuck in the middle, or if you would rather avoid conflict. You're her parents and need to keep her safe.

Your MIL has proven that she can't be trusted with your daughter. At the very least you need to stop any unsupervised visits.

Agree with voice recording, but more importantly I'd stop the visits for a good long while.

If your partner is not on board, tell him it's a dealbreaker.

Can you call your DH over? “Darling, just come here a second?” And then say to MIL, “just so we’re all on the same page about this, can you repeat what you just told me?”
And if she sulks/doesnt respond, make some arsey comment, then:
”Look, Brenda, this is really important. Has our daughter been given milk products while she’s been staying with you or not?”
Force her to repeat it or deny it in front of DH.

How do you stop it if the DH has sorted out the visit, though? Even if they divorce he will still be able to bring the child round to his mother’s.