MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

My son started out with similar symptoms of CMPA, couldn't get past step one of the milk ladder ect. His nursery kept feeding him milk anyway (not deliberately, they were just a complete mess of a setting) and one day when he was about 2½ he went into anaphylaxis. It was the scariest day. I would not mess with this at all. She would never have my child unsupervised again if I were you

It sounds like your DH doesn’t think your daughter has a dairy allergy otherwise he would be very upset and angry with his mother and you would definitely feel able to bring it up with him.

He absolutely knows about the allergy. Say with her all night when she screamed and went to all the appointments. He is under his mums thumb. He won’t upset her.

That would be the last time I left my dd with the mil.

She isn't just arrogant and stupid, she's dangerous. Time to go NC

Honestly I knew she liked to be right and in control but I didn’t think she’d go this far and be so flippant about it. Just because she believes something to be true doesn’t mean it is. She isn’t the consultant dealing with us.

Then, as they say, you have both a partner and a MIL problem.

You can't leave your DD in the care of someone so willing to do her harm.

@Ghostcushion I reckon she has made it up about giving her stuff. So, whenever she does this ‘making sure DH is out of earshot’ you say nothing and then say ‘what was it you were saying about xyz, I didn’t hear’ or cut her off and say, ‘no, this waits until DH is here’. Otherwise don’t engage with her.

Do not be alone with this women as this is when she starts to make these comments. If your daughter is with mil in another room, send husband or go together. I would also stop childcare as that's a really strange thing to do to a child with a milk allergy. Hope your child is okay x

Where are you reading that the child is still in their care? From the OP: "She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating..."

She is a horrible person.

A toddler at playgroup was suspected of having allergies by his mum, I think it was egg, but may have been milk, I’m not sure, so he had to avoid a lot of things.

And it was difficult for his grand parents who sometimes took him to playgroup, but they definitely stuck to it.

Ultimately he was found to be non allergic, but who would have risked something to make him ill? We were all very careful to make sure he had things that he could eat.

( He might very well have had a reaction to all the chocolate his mother gave him, but that’s another story 🤣🤣)

It’s been a long running thing really that I’ve never been able to grasp what’s happening. In my understanding I think she thinks that her opinions are fact and that she is always right no matter what. For example she has opinions on how much I clean. My older child has asthma so I try and hoover when I can. I could do much better but I try. She makes a comment that dust shows a family having too much fun to clean. Yeah but that’s ignoring my child’s health. She comments about why I throw birthday parties when all they need is a little do with family at home. She has made comments about the decorations I put up and finds it pointless. I do it because I want to for the kids and because I enjoy it. She has just sat at the party silent because it’s not what she thinks should be done. The list goes on. I picked up the baby too much I should have trained her and left her to cry (this being the baby screaming over stomach pain). Etc etc. I stand firm and don’t change what I want to do and she doesn’t like me much I don’t think.

She is unable it feels to accept people don’t have the same opinions and she keeps trying to prove herself right.

When did she have the milk?
Confirm in front of your DH.
TBH if you’re away from her now I’d lie and say she’d been up all night screaming, ulcerated bum etc.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She sounds nasty.

Then he is a not being a good father at all!

I don’t think it would make any difference. She fully believes her own opinion.

She sounds dreadful but she won’t change. I would not leave your daughter with her again if she is going to willingly give her milk products.

Well then he needs to get out of the middle and stand beside his wife and his own family. What a loser. Can’t stand up to mummy. I’d be laying the law down. Either you support me as your wife and put your mother in her place, or I will be re-evaluating this entire marriage because it’s now become dangerous to our child and as a mother I have to protect her. As a father you should also be protecting her by standing firm with her mother. We will not be seeing them again until you have told your mother you will not tolerate her dangerous behaviour towards our child or her undermining and snarky backchat towards your wife.

So @Ghostcushion how has dd been today ?

Any reaction

You have a mil problem And a dh problem

If he doesn't believe you over his mum

You need fo be blunt infront of both and say. Mil did did you give dd pie containing milk

Unfortunately, as your partner was in another room when she said this and you've not told him, this is where, in my opinion you have failed.
Please don't misunderstand me in thinking that I don't hold your MiL accountable, I most certainly do but you should have at that moment said really loudly "Oh Partner, did you hear what your mother did with Amelia here? Knowing that she has been under the care of a dietitian for her entire life, your mother gave Amelia milk. What do you say to that?"

MiL has lost the right to have quiet little side chats with you so that her son doesn't hear what she is doing to his daughter (her grandchild). If she says anything to you again in one of these discussions, you get up, you walk to the other room and you bring your Partner in on the discussion. Otherwise it will always be You vs Her.

I wouldn't let her have any unsupervised visits again and I'd mention the situation to your daughters dietitian when you next have an appointment.

She seems ok. The last time it only caused a
reaction as it built up over the week. It’s not the point really, she has broken the trust. She had no idea what the reaction would be if she did actually give the milk. She was just rolling along with the belief that she’s right and it’s all nonsense. She was told on drop off no milk still.

It's very clear OP, never leave your child with your MIL unsupervised again. Even if she was making it up to provoke you your child's health is paramount and its not worth the risk. It seems clear she is openly defying and criticising you whenever she gets the chance.
I wouldn't be letting your husband take your child to visit her on his own either as he's obviously completely dominated by his mother.
You need to be very clear with your husband on your stance on this and make it crystal clear that him you expect his support. I would be going very low contact with MIL as she has shown she just cannot be trusted.

It doesn't matter if the child gets ill this time or not, the MIL deliberately put her at risk of illness.

Same as it would be wrong to travel without a car seat, even if you didn't have a crash that time, you have still put the child at risk.

Exactly and over what, an inflated sense of herself.

@Seaoftroubles yes she has broken the trust. Tbh I’m fed up with the constant criticisms and digs. And yes my partner is completely dominated by her, the whole family think she is god.

Yes she has broken trust so don't let her have dd alone again

She's a piece of work and wherever her defiance comes from (a one upmanship to you or allergy ignorance) she is not fit to look after yourself child. She needs to put her ego aside and caring about doing the right thing by her gc should be the only focus. Next time she tries to have a little chat with you without your dp, don't let it progress without bringing him into the room so he can hear it himself. I've recently had to start this with my MIL as she thought she could divide and conquer me and my dh by interrogating us separately and prying into out personal life, also about how I'm raising my dc. It's awkward the first time but best for transparency and no space for them to play their games. Good luck and prioritise your dc every time. Dp will have to grow a pair and back you by dealing with his mother.